My mom is dying....sorry, haven't been around much

[want2thrive]

I know that I'm not around much - at least to post because I do peek in a lot - and I have no right to ask for support so I understand if you would rather not respond. It's really okay. I just needed a place to get this out where it was safe.

My relationship with my mother is complicated as it is with many survivors. She failed to protect me from my SA abuser and from my violent, alcoholic, drug addicted brother (who also may be an SA abuser but the memories are fuzzy - he is a register sex offender so.....). She fell in love with my boyfriend when I was 16 and moved him into our home so that she could be near him. For me it was just a teenage romance that wouldn't last more than a few months at best. I didn't even like the guy. When I wouldn't agree to marry him she kicked me out just before my 17th birthday. We didn't speak for years.

We patched things up about 20 years ago somewhat, but over the past 5 years I have pushed her away tremendously. I guess it's no coincidence that's about the time I started therapy. My T tries to get me to see how dysfunctional my upbringing was, and I still defend them. He has been winning lately and I am learning to accept that I did not grow up in Beaver Cleaver's house (sorry to the younger members - substitute the Huxtables,the Camden's, or the Dunphy's). I find it difficult to engage with her, and she has commented on my distance over the years. I have felt nothing towards her - no anger, no sadness, no love....nothing. I feel nothing.

Her health has been failing for years. See, she smoked for 55 years and has emphysema, COPD, diabetes, and so many other things wrong with her that they are too numerous to mention. It's one of those things that the docs have been telling us for 16 years that she is going to die so after a while you just ignore it. Without going into a lot of details - we are at the end. She is on an intubation tube to keep her alive. My father has decided to have it removed early next week and let her slowly die of CO2 poisoning. I have 4 brothers and three have said goodbyes as I have (three weeks ago). The other brother (the sex offender) is trying to get permission to leave the state to see her. When (if) he arrives they will take out the tube and just give her regular oxygen. It shouldn't take long after that.

I find myself grieving. I keep picturing my mother in a casket and I have a huge lump in my chest. I am fighting tears and I don't understand. I don't want to feel anything and it's not fair! I always expected to receive a call telling me she died suddenly. It never occurred to me that I would know in advance. I always pictured me getting the call, being calm, cool, and collected while I made the obligatory plans to go to the funeral. I would be the voice of reason while my father and one brother fell apart. I would be stoic. What the hell is happening to me? I am keeping it together on the outside, but I'm falling apart on the inside. I don't want to feel, damn it! I have been trying to cry for years about my childhood and can't, but now I can hardly keep the tears from coming? That's a cruel twist of fate.

I don't know how to not feel. I want to avoid all of this, but as the only girl I am expected to be front and center. My dad wants me to be with him when the tube is removed (roughly 5.5 - 6 hour drive) for support. I don't want to go, yet I do. The don't want to go part is stronger, but the want to go part is nagging. They were married for 58 years and I can only imagine what he is going through. Am I a selfish witch for not wanting to be there? Another factor is one of my brothers has been their primary caregiver for four years. He, too, is an alcoholic (3 out of 4 in total although 2 no longer drink) and he has been drinking. My father had cancer surgery on Monday, mom is dying, and he is a violent, angry drunk. My other brothers and I suspect elder abuse - at least emotional and psychological. He showed up at the hospital drunk this week and ripped the doors off of the ER entrance. Cops came and it was a mess. Nice, huh? I don't want to be around him. I want to be there for my dad, but I don't want to be around that brother.

I just needed to brain vomit. I know that I am intruding a bit here and it's okay not to respond. I can't see T until Tuesday and I needed to get some things out. This was the safest place that I could think of. For those of you who remember me, clearly I have not learned to embrace brevity yet. Thanks for letting me post.

[Lydia]

Thrive,

I'm glad you came here to post, grateful you felt safe enough to. No expectations here from me. It's okay that you didn't post, that you weren't here much, you deserve the same support that everyone here gets. You needed to live your life, and heal in your own way. I still consider you a friend.

I'm sorry about your Mom, about your Dad's behavior. It's a tough tough situation. I can understand your inner turmoil about being there. Her dying represents the absolute end of any change happening from her, and that hurts. Your father getting that violent, with the suspected abuse added, makes it doubly difficult.

Thrive, do what works for you. Protect you and take care of you. You're not alone.

Here for you.

Lydia

[Tir Asleen]

want2thrive,
You are always welcome to post here and you do not need to do anything in return. That is the good thing about isurvive. You don't have to be on here everyday in order to utilize this forum.
Grief is a funny thing. You can think you will not feel it and suddenly it will come. No matter what she has done or not done, she is still your mom and you still were a part of her life. Plus, the waiting is excruciating.
Here with you and hoping that you know that grief is just a part of the healing process, even when you feel you don't need to do it, sometimes you still do.
Tir

[sensitive warrior]

Want2thrive,
I remember you and missed seeing you around. I think it kinda stinks that we can have so many mixed feelings about things. It is family, and even when we have been hurt so bad sometimes feelings of caring can sneek up and surprise us. It sounds really tough right now with tough decisions to make. I hope you can do what is best for you. We are here for you...you don't need to earn it in any way, we care just because you are you.
Hugs and lots of care if ok?
SW

[tiki]

((((((((((want2thrive))))))))))),

sorry to hear of all you're facing atm, with your mom and family. here's some balloons QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ.

tiki

[lonelylife]

Thrive,
Remember to take care of you right now. My father (primary abuser p/e/v) just recently died (within the month) and it was my mother who orchestrated his sure demise by sending him to a nursing home when the doctors released him to go home and he was still up and about. I fought that bitch every step of the way, but one can do nothing with her. I also only did what I was able to do in terms of taking care of myself. You don't have to subject yourself to any more of these people than it feels safe to do. Maybe you are not grieving her so much, as you are what she subjected you to? I don't have grief for him, but I do resent how my mother set him up. I know as old as her b*tch *ss is that she will get hers sooner rather than later though. Sorry for the bit of swearing. Maybe you're feeling similar about the elder abuse--that you aren't in love with her as such, but that you just didn't want to see her (or anyone) tormented needlessly from the standpoint of another human being. Funny how the ones they sided with in complicity or obliviousness to our abuse when we were kids turn on them as well towards the end. It's the sharks eating the sharks. Every man for himself in the cesspool. I was a little confused as to whether it was your brother or father that ripped the hospital doors off--sounded like it was your father?--staging the performance of his life, so overcome with "grief"?

[Gizmo]

Want2thrive

Im glad you have come here for support. It really doesnt matter if you have been here much, what matters is that when you need the support, you can come here freely.

Im sorry to hear about your mother and all the feelings that are coming up for you.

I can remember like it was only yesterday the day l found out my own mother had died. I had always thought l would have no feelings when the time came, but boy was l wrong. I went through the greiving process as though she was the love of my life. I realise now that the part of me that was greiving was the little girl in me who had so desperatly needed a mother to love, and yes there was a part of me that did and still does love her even though she put me through hell.

Please be gentle with yourself, as this will possibly open up many things for you, the emotions will come in waves.

Keep reaching out here for support as often as you need to.

[Icarus]

Thrive, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going throught this right now. Its never easy to lose a parent, no matter what has happened. My own mom died nearly 10 years ago and the pain is still raw to this day. Its only recently that I have allowed myself to even look at grieving for her.

I'm so pleased you came here to ask for support and are finding it. Allow yourself to feel and experience these emotions that are coming up, and will continue to come up, for you. We're all here for you.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Icarus

[want2thrive]

Thank you all so much for your support. I was overwhelmed when I logged on this morning, but I should have known better with this community. The love that I have always felt here is tremendous and I sincerely thank you for that.


Lydia,

I'm sorry for any confusion. It is my oldest brother who is the drunk and it is he whom we suspect of elder abuse on my father. I appreciate the kind words of support and I consider you a friend, a good one, as well.

Tir Asleen,

Your words about grieving her because she is my mom is something that I needed to hear even if I don't want to. She is still my mom and I keep trying to remind myself that there were many, many good times growing up. Yes, the bad ones were pretty bad, but the good ones outnumber the bad. Your comment about grieving being part of healing was a nice reminder. Thank you.

SW,

I have missed you too and hugs are always welcome. These feelings certainly did sneek up on me. I was caught complete unawares. I thought I knew exactly how I was going to handle this event as I had thought it out over and over in my mind. At times I can be matter-of-fact about it, after all aren't we all pretty good about hiding our true feelings, but then I am overwhelmed with emotion. I guess it's because I am so good about hiding my feelings that I hide them from myself. Thank you for the warm welcome back.

Tiki,

Thank you for your support. Loved the balloons....here's a rose for you ... @>-`---

Lonelylife,

Hello friend. I know that you are probably the expert on mom issues. I was surprised to hear about your dad, but not about what your mom did. I remember what your mom is like and it seems like she is being true to form. Yes, you are right. It is difficult to see another human being suffer and I wish that she were not going through this. It is a horrible death as she will slowly choke to death of CO2 poisoning. We tried for decades to get her to stop smoking and her reply was always, "If I have to choose between one year with cigarettes or thirty years with out them - I choose the one year." She would choose to die in a year rather than have three more decades with her family. I guess that sums things up as far as her selfishness.

Oh, and it is my brother who is the problem. My father is full of grief and is barely holding it together. He truly loves her with all of his heart. He just had cancer surgery last week and this week is making the decision to terminate the life of his wife of 58 years. To add to his problems my j@ck@ss brother is causing all of these problems. He is the one that ripped the emergency room doors off. He has been going into angry tirades and terrorizing my father. My dad even stayed in a hotel on Thursday to keep safe (my brother lives with them because he has ruined his life at 57 and has no where else to go).

Thank you for the support. I've missed you.


Gizmo,

Thanks for your wise words. Yes, being surprised by these emotions is an understatement. I really don't know what I am grieving. Is it her death, the pain that she caused me, or the little girl wanting the mother she deserved? I have a real problem with the latter because I have always prided myself on not needing a mother and not missing that relationship. I am not ready to even consider that possibility yet. Thank you for your support and the warning that the emotion will come in waves. I appreciate being prepared for that.

Icarus,

I thank you so much for posting because I know the grief and anguish that you still feel over your mom's passing. For you to reach out must have been difficult and I want you to know how much it touched me. Thank you for your kind words of support.



I am quiet inside this morning, but I expect that to change. The decision to remove her tube has been put off a few days now as the brother who is a sex offender gets permission from his parole officer to fly down to say goodbye. My brother the drunk, my brother the recovering alcoholic, my brother the liar and serial marital cheater, and my brother the sex offender. Holy cow, what the hell happened to my family and why is it so difficult for me to see it still? My brothers are all considerably older and had a completely different childhood. We are all messed up and the only thing that we really share in common from our childhoods is our parental upbringing. I guess that speaks volumes, huh?

Again, thank you all so much for the warm welcome. I have missed posting on here even though I try to peek in often to see how everyone is doing. I was finding that because I was spending so much time here that I was keeping myself in the victim mentality a bit. Please don't read any negativity in that!! That was my issue and had nothing to do with how wonderfully supportive everyone has always been. I had to step back for a while and work on healing on my own. The love and caring from everyone has always been amazing and it was exactly what I needed, but I needed to move away for a while. It has been a tremendous comfort to know that this safe place is here for us whenever we all need it. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you all so much. You have no idea what this means to me......well, I guess that you really do.

Love to all.......

[SparklingDawn]

Dearest want2thrive,

I am so sorry about your mother, want2thrive. How terribly sad for you....and for your dad and the rest of your family. I can't even imagine what your dad must be going through after being married so many years to your mom......and then him going through the cancer surgery, too. My goodness. That's a lot to bear, isn't it? I am sorry. I really am.

As much as we'd like, we can't predict our feelings, can we? I can understand every single thing you mentioned going through. Some others who posted here mentioned grieving for what never was. Grieving for the parent you never had, but wished you had had. We may try to forget and to numb out feelings, but the child in us always feels. That's what I think, anyway.

((((((((((((((((want2thrive))))))))))))))))

Love,
D