Letting go

[Paper]

Hello honeybera, thank you for sharing about those “tiny pockets of ancient memories that don't involve ridicule and hurt,” as well as the insights you’ve had and what you’ve been through. I find that context is a big deal with me. I’ve learned things about our family’s intergenerational trauma that caused things to make sense that had never made sense to me before. I can’t learn everything, of course, people are gone, but what I’ve learned has been validating for me, not to say what I went through was ok, it wasn’t at all, as with all of us here, but in this way for me- it’s validated the reality of the harm done AND of my fight to extract myself from that. I’ve learned a lot of my own context and that’s been huge for me. It’s enabled me to start developing compassion for myself. I’m going to have to keep working on it. I need it. I hope it gets stronger. Your context helps me see more of my context. Your stories help me to not feel alone, as I can relate to some of the things you say and the spirit of others, where I find similarities. And spirit, that’s something I find catching. I appreciate your fighting spirit, honeybera, thank you for sharing it.

I hope your cantaloupes grow and flourish and that you harvest them you fill them with vanilla ice cream for yourself and enjoy the sweetness in freedom and peace and victory. There’s something about growing your own food that feels terrific. I haven’t been able to do a lot of it, but I once grew pickling cucumbers and I had joy in eating them as well as tending them and watching them grow. Someday I’d like to grow strawberries. I can’t now, but I’ve been holding that thought in my mind a while, and when I can, I will.

[honeybera]

(Thursday evening - 1/)
What is it with me, food, and triggers lately?! I was looking at canned hams and was reminded of going camping and the nice yummy meals cooked by some of MD's "friends" we went camping with. Camping was sometimes in tents, sometimes in small pull trailers, sometimes get there in boats. We rarely cooked over an open fire. This was bona fide 1950s style "camping". We camped a lot! As usual, I was simply told to do NOTHING, to stay out of MD's way and SHE'D do it, and that's exactly what I did! I remember that I laid in a lush, green meadow when I was 16 and watched the Fire Falls in Yosemite when they were still doing that. GORGEOUS!!

[In checking up on the fire falls history, I found out that they had stopped doing it, but have begun to do it again, but in February? Lucky current campers that could brave the cold up there!! Both the view and the cold are breathtaking! I wonder if they still holler loudly, "LET THE FIRE FALL!!" at precisely 9pm? I hope so. Man-made, yes, but stunningly beautiful and helps to keep the forest undergrowth, a really big fire hazard, cleaned up by the Park staff, lit on fire, and shoved over a 3000' cliff!]

I also noticed something else: whenever another wife/mom camper in our group would whip up a fantastic dish for dinner, MD would get irked, kind of snooty! Not long afterward we'd leave the camp early or something and flat go home. One excuse after another. So it wasn't just ME she picked on. I was simply the most convenient. If her trailer or tent or boat wasn't the cleanest or the best, I got the worst of it (AND Dad began researching trailer, tent, or boat upgrades). If her meal wasn't as good as that particular dinnertime's meal, or ESPECIALLY if either my father or I or BOTH complimented the cook (oh, those Beef Noodles were a REAL hit!), I may as well start packing. We were going HOME. NO ONE DARED to upstage her!! She would froth and pout and then beat the crap out of me once we got home so she'd feel better!! Nutty, yes, but it was always that way. It's how I missed seeing the Seattle World's Fair after a whole week of driving up there along the coastline, camping all the way! Long trip, got as far as Olympia, WA, something happened, and we never made it the few miles more to the World's Fair. Either she was considered by all as THE BEST or she was going home...and I was in for a beating once my father and other prying eyes were not able to see. I just learned to take it.

My Dad loved to travel, mostly car trips, and pull either a trailer or a boat. MD hated it! If she got talked into it (and after I had left her house at 18), she'd sit in the backseat and put a blanket over her head so she couldn't see the trip. Once they traveled up to Canada and went to Banff. I just looked at Banff on my computer here. Gorgeous! So like where my father would like to go. If we did go, whatever "ours" was had to be THE BEST. I remember being at a HUGE inland port and river once while water-skiing and seeing this GIGANTIC Chinese cargo ship, mostly black and bright red with BIG white Chinese letters on it, slide silently by, making HUGE rolling waves on the river that rocked our anchored ski boats gently while going to make its final delivery. We were there with my Aunt J (mentioned earlier - later killed herself - so sad!) and her DH, my cousins, and some friends. If I dug down in the wet sand with my fingers, I'd find clams! It was so cool. I couldn't have cared less about what brand of boat or car we had, I was having real fun digging up those clams, but the status or quality of things was all my parents cared about. Dad loved his cars and boats, but MD had to be The Star, no matter what! And my Aunt J, her older sister by 4 yrs., was MD's most irritating rival. They fought like tigers. Both were equally mean to one another and in much the same snide and snotty way and both sought to best the other.

=====================(Saturday)

Wow. From looking at this again I can see how secretive MD was when dealing out her abuse. LOL She used to say that I was the sneaky one, and conniving I believe she called me, too. But it was always HER! She felt so badly about herself that she just seethed inside until she could lash out at someone or something, and that was usually me, sad to say.

But I think that instead I'll try to remember that HUGE Chinese oceangoing ship silently passing by us water skiers and making our boats lazily rock in the deep waves it created, the breathtaking beauty of the Fire Falls in Yosemite, the fresh smell of the air in the pines when camping out, all of that I'll remember. I'll leave all the bad feelings with MD. She truly was a monster, but she was made that way by others mostly I believe. It wasn't all her fault, but when she could've stopped it, she didn't, and that WAS on her!

When I realized that I was repeating this abuse with my then 4 or 5 yr. old son, I called CPS on myself and began the first of the voluntary abuse counseling. It took guts to do that, but I loved my son (this was with my older dear son, ODS, in 1974). I hit him so hard he went down (collapsed) and didn't get up and I thought I'd killed him. I was as violent with him as MD had been with me until then. Worst of all, I was living in the house behind my grandparent's house, the same tiny cottage I had been living in when I was that age, when MD took her problems out on me daily. ODS was a handful, but nobody deserves that sort of treatment!!!!!

Back in those days (1974), the way Child Protective blessedly helped me was by sending out a social worker/therapist to meet with me every week in a nearby park so my hyperactive kiddo could play on the playground while we talked at a picnic bench. OMG, that helped me SO MUCH!! I can't even say how much!! My older DS was no angel, but no one deserved to be hit like that!! He was hyperactive. (He's been diagnosed as having minimal brain dysfunction, AD/HD, and several other things, but mainly it's high functional autism, just like the rest of us.) He stuck the cat's tail on the exposed heater once to see the cat's reaction. For this I should HIT HIM? He (and both of my other kids) taught himself to read when he was 5!

I honestly thought that if I hurt him, maybe he'd "think twice" about doing it again. That was MD's way of thinking - and sometimes she just hurt me for fun. BUT I DID NOT WANT TO EVER BE LIKE HER!! So I got the first counseling regarding abuse. It helped me SO MUCH. It started my healing.

I only wish my father would have had the cojones to stand up to MD. Sadly, he didn't and the abuse went on. And on...and on.

=========================================(Wed. 1-11-2023)

I don't wish to seem smug or condescending, BUT...I'm beginning to wonder about the IQ's of anyone claiming to be a nutritionist, dietician, or the office staff of these people. Polite? Oh, yes, of course they are, almost painfully so, and yet THEY also appear to be smug and/or condescending and more than happy to just talk over a person rather than listen to what one needs!!! I've spent the majority of this afternoon trying to find someone who can walk through this diet/keto/IF/high nutrient/raw food/anti-cancer batch of ideas with me (sort of listening with a bit of hand-holding and possible encouragement) without judgement or scolding or benefit-shaming. I've had enough scoffing and shaming for a lifetime via MD, I can assure you! Bad afternoon? I'd say so.

Why does the internet have such cutting-edge articles and websites praising the nutritional benefits of foods that mimic the harsh, side-effect causing DRUGS ("Just take this pill and you'll be FINE, just FINE...I hope!") vs the simple and pure broccoli sprouts (True Leaf Market) I've just ordered that have 100 times the healing benefits of MATURE broccoli? That makes me laugh because when I took my Nutrition course in college and the instructor would say, "What is the best thing to eat to get ____ vitamin/mineral?", the answer was invariably BROCCOLI! It became the class's in-joke. We'd all yell loudly in unison, "BROCCOLI!!" and laugh, and it usually was the correct answer! Probably won't even taste the tender little sprouts in my smoothies, but will get the ALL the fabulous benefits of "eating" them raw! I plan to put them on one side of my sink's sideboard to grow them and then, once "ripe", put them in my fridge and start a new batch, and do this every 3-4 days. I'll have to rinse them twice a day while growing them. But I'll love doing this!

Or consider the latest packet of BLACK NEBULA CARROT seeds ( from rareseeds dot com) that is on its way as well. Oh, these are perfect for DS's and my image: The Addams Family! These carrots are nearly black they're so dark purple! And they're HAIRY, too! But they are very sweet and very healthy. And they'll even stain my hands and clothes if any juice gets on them. However, they are packed with antioxidants and flavanoids, as are most purple veggies.

They help prevent cancer. Flavanoids, the compounds responsible for the blue and purple pigments in foods such as berries, eggplants and onions, are antioxidant powerhouses known for their cancer prevention prowess.

=========================================(1-15-2023 Sunday)

I got my Black Nebula Carrot seeds today along with a few purple pepper plants and lots of purple lettuces, tomatoes, tomatillos, even POTATOES. I can hardly wait to get out into my garden! It may be a while...or not. It will be a while until completion, but then when is a garden ever really complete?

=========================================(1-19-2023 Thursday)

ALL MY SEEDS ARE IN, including my Sungolds and my Midnight Dreams! I was wondering who I ordered the 2023 Sungold tomatoes and the Midnight Dreams sweet peppers from. (True Leaf Market dot com - a real old hippy group out of Utah) Both seeds are my favorites!! I stumbled onto their site one night as I was searching for my precious Midnight Dreams pepper seeds. Hard to find anymore, but True Leaf had them. It was how I found out about broccoli sprouts and how really, really good they are for reducing estrogen levels, 100 times greater as a mature stalk of broccoli. I also got my new seed sprouter and a lot of broccoli seeds. It has 3 trays and will be placed right next to my sink. The broccoli sprouts will reduce the need for my organic baby spinach, although spinach is good as well. Sprouts are very quick growers, like only about 3 days. I'll need to make an area out in my kitchen and then to fill up my trays and rinse them 1-2 times a day; after that, into the fridge and start another batch. I'm also starting some VERY VERY PURPLE lettuces, many of which are called "cut and come back" (one leaf at a time) for a very long harvest time and also to be put into my smoothies, when the lettuces begin to grow in around 40-55 days. But those will be in under my grow lights. I am really getting some things done, like upgrading my grow lights. I may need some new timers on them, but I can get everything I need still.

DS is also helping me by setting up my new LIFETIME™ composter, purchased many moons ago, and we will be beginning the dreaded GARAGE cleanup!! TOGETHER! That means the world to me! We will no longer be throwing out our cardboard boxes, shredded papers, or kitchen waste. It all has a purpose now: COMPOST! AKA BLACK GOLD! I have been learning so much lately. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

I just had to share this with you tonight!! I have a ton of new seeds (not just the ones I got today) and I've placed them all (in order) into a couple of big 3" binders. I'm branching out: watermelons and cantaloupes, PURPLE EVERYTHING (POTATOES! Tomatoes, peppers, even broccoli and Brussels Sprouts, even purple green beans and nearly black-purple HAIRY carrots!! ), and I may even try a stalk or two of corn later on. I also bought (and am awaiting assembly) of 3 rather sturdy garden carts/planters with wheels so I can roll those around the yard on my own without having to beg for help from someone else (DS), to be used exclusively for my herbs (dill, oregano, sage, chives, rosemary) and lettuces later on. If it's too hot, I can move them into the shade (or at least a shadier area) and if it's too cold, I can take care of that, too. By that time, I could even roll them into the garage overnight. We rarely get frost here, and never any snow in the last 21 yrs. I've lived here. We've had a TON of rain lately, but we really needed it, every drop, and our place never floods (knock wood!). However, my task bar finally says, "Rain to stop" and I'm glad to see it.

What MD did to me was very cruel, no doubt about it, but she also made me fiercely independent!! I thank her for that, but naturally not her methods getting me to this point. All in all, I'm fine now. And if I put in my garden and the dogs begin to mess it up, I have my ways of telling them NO. In fact, that is it: I say NO! and look them straight in the eye and raise up what must appear to them as being the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate (old show, Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In reference - hey! I'm old! ), and they simply comply...usually permanently. But after the BIG NO!, I praise them and give them pets and maybe a treat. They're much better girls now than when they were little puppies. My shredded Smart Pots and the demolished $5.00 plastic wading pool prove it!!

They kind of leave the birds alone now, but I have a scheme going out there to draw the birds back in, even the little finches, once the rain stops, which should be soon-ish. I can't have exposed grain in the rain, and I have HUGE 108" (nine feet tall) poles out there, Shepherd's hooks, to hold the platforms. The forked bottoms will be placed into a bucket with cement, still movable, but not by the wind. Nine feet up will dangle the feeders, one for seeds and one for nectar holders, on tulle fabric covered poles dampened with peppermint oil so the rats can't climb them or would even want to! They hate the smell of peppermint, the tulle fabric feels icky to them on their paws and tiny claws, and so they should avoid my feeders like the plague! And of course they would have the Rat Terriers below to deal with as well. If there are even any rats left out there! I haven't seen any of them in the longest time! Good!! They are not welcome!!!! I'm also placing Jumbo cotton balls soaked in peppermint AND cinnamon oil (for rats AND ants) posted on the tops of stainless steel chopsticks in amongst my strawberry planters so I can still water and yet the rats will be deterred. I'm ordering a whole bunch of Albion (25 bare roots) and PURPLE strawberries (two plants)! Plus seeds for purple broccoli. If I want the fruits and veggies to go into my smoothies to really be organic, I'm going to have to raise them myself apparently.

OH!!! AND TODAY WE GOT THE TRUCK RUNNING! Well, I paid for it all but stayed home as DS talked to the tow truck guy (new battery), filled up the truck with gas down the road, but ran out of time doing all of it. He promised that on Monday he'll go to Jiffy Lube and America's Tire Co. AND get the truck smogged, thereby finishing the job. GOOD MAN!! He's really turned a corner somehow and grown up a LOT! NOW we can get all the things for the yard and house that just won't fit in our cars (bales of straw, soil amendments, large storage containers, that sort of thing). We're heading out into the garage tomorrow. I've stayed up 2 nights (Wed. into Thursday into Friday), trying to get my sleep schedule straight, and now it's after 8pm on Friday night = TIME FOR BED!

One more QUICK thing before I'm going to collapse! PROMISE! The next door neighbors apparently kicked a large chunk of our common fence out, a hole maybe 6" W x 12"H, a panel's width, down low on our fence (we found the piece still half attached on our side of the yard) and left it there open unbeknownst to us. Our dogs found it and escaped into their yard! I called for them and only Mittens came! Then I heard Boots SCREAMING like she was hurt or terrified or something on the other side of the fence! DS was down gassing up the truck and wouldn't be home for several minutes more, but I can barely even walk next door without severe shortness of breath. (Why I need to walk MORE via the dog stroller unassembled in my kitchen ATM, but we're working on that.) I kept Mittens in the house; she was very upset by hearing the piercing shrieks from her sister. With both my canes, I slowly and painfully walked next door to let them know that DS was on his way, but they weren't home and their gate was locked. So I stayed with Boots, standing up for about 15 minutes until I could barely stand anymore due to the pain to my legs and back, speaking gently to her, soothing her, and waiting for DS to come and help both Boots and I. Suddenly, as soon as she heard his voice, she became silent! DS went to the back yard to "find the hole" since we both thought that she'd dug her way out Rat Terrier style and then couldn't get back in, but she wasn't there!! She had come back through the big hole in the fence and was in the house, in the pen, and in her bed! AARRGGHH!! We're glad she's ok, but...! Naughty, naughty girl!!

And with that, I'm off to bed! Lots of things to do, but lots of things are getting done and in the right order. Heck, who knows? Maybe we'll move that roll top desk and the ancient dressers soon out of the storage room eventually! And get the freeze dryer hooked up to that dedicated circuit! And get the composter set up in the back yard! But tonight it's all about sleep! And plenty of it!

Honeybera Zzzzz

[honeybera]

Hi Paper! Welcome to my meandering thread that often goes on too long. It's my answer to therapy. If you're getting anything out of it, great! I mean that!! {{{Paper}}}

Hello honeybera, thank you for sharing about those “tiny pockets of ancient memories that don't involve ridicule and hurt,” as well as the insights you’ve had and what you’ve been through. I find that context is a big deal with me. I’ve learned things about our family’s intergenerational trauma that caused things to make sense that had never made sense to me before. I can’t learn everything, of course, people are gone, but what I’ve learned has been validating for me, not to say what I went through was ok, it wasn’t at all, as with all of us here, but in this way for me- it’s validated the reality of the harm done AND of my fight to extract myself from that. I’ve learned a lot of my own context and that’s been huge for me. It’s enabled me to start developing compassion for myself. I’m going to have to keep working on it. I need it. I hope it gets stronger. Your context helps me see more of my context. Your stories help me to not feel alone, as I can relate to some of the things you say and the spirit of others, where I find similarities. And spirit, that’s something I find catching. I appreciate your fighting spirit, honeybera, thank you for sharing it.

You're very welcome, and thanks for the kind words.

I hope your cantaloupes grow and flourish and that you harvest them you fill them with vanilla ice cream for yourself and enjoy the sweetness in freedom and peace and victory. There’s something about growing your own food that feels terrific. I haven’t been able to do a lot of it, but I once grew pickling cucumbers and I had joy in eating them as well as tending them and watching them grow. Someday I’d like to grow strawberries. I can’t now, but I’ve been holding that thought in my mind a while, and when I can, I will.

Strawberries are easy. I'm finding it hard to find organic strawberries in the store for my smoothies. Organic blueberries, yes, but the strawberries, not so much. They're listed in the "dirty dozen", produce that needs to be organic due to all the pesticides used on them. UGH!! (Easy to find out about the Dirty Dozen and the Clean 15 online.) So I decided to grow my own. They grow well here in my neck of the woods, so I have 25 of them on the way here. All Albions bare roots + two plants of a PURPLE variety (you know how crazy I am about anything purple due to the cancer preventative aspects of them!).

TODAY I went outside in mid afternoon in the bright sunlight with my handy dandy brand new little automatic battery powered pruner (1" branch size) and lopped and lopped and lopped at my HUMONGOUS Fuji apple tree! I was out there for over an hour and a half, cutting and tossing the brush into piles. I cleared quite a bit! I even have a clear view of where I need to prune...and it is a LOT!!!!! The horrible old whippy weeds (Morning Glory vines = INVASIVE!!) have grown over all my trees like something right out of the Amazon rain forest!!! It's like a matted, tangled mess! The vines are so snarled that they can't even be just pulled off the poor sagging trees. The vines themselves have to be CUT with my new pruners or even my little handheld snips because my old hands just can't severe them, and if they're twisted into a bunch, I do need the extra tools to do the trick. The handheld pruners are great for the actual tree limb cutting, but what I really need is my little hand held snips to clear all this crud away from my peaches, apricot, plum, and Aprium trees. And then I'll see if pure 30% vinegar (+ Dawn dish soap) spritzed on the weeds themselves with finally kill them. All in good time. But TOMORROW I continue with my work out there. I have a new 5 gallon pail all fixed up to carry all my tools, my cell phone, and even also act as a seat to sit on. I've needed this item out there for a long time! I never knew that they existed!

Ooooh! I have a little hummer with a red head perched WAY up on a top branch of my Eureka lemon tree. I HAVE TO TODAY go get the hummingbird feeder and clean it out and fill it up. My old Salvia gesneriiflora 'Mole Poblano' (still in its 4" pot from last summer!! I feel shame, and deservedly so!) has decided to just take off! It is gorgeous with BIG red hummingbird tempting flowers on black stems! It is stunning! I desperately need to plant it in a much bigger pot tonight and set it back out there to grow! My PURPLE tree collards are thriving, too! All my plants are organically grown. I'm even getting into composting (as soon as it's assembled). I'm starting to get faith that my DS will get that done ASAP. He even nailed up the back fence today without being asked. I bought him a battery operated nail gun (maybe a year or so ago), but today he just grabbed it and fixed the back fence! In fact, that's what encouraged me to go out there with my pruners and just get started.

====================(1/28/23 Saturday)

Taking a few minutes here to say something about my hair. (OMG, it is SUCH a long story!! I'll try to be brief.) Not just the torturous, waterboarding, upside down in the sink, "hair washing sessions", but I was watching a Perry Mason episode (1961) just now and saw one of the hairdo's of that time on there and TRIGGERED!!! I EVENTUALLY had L-O-N-G honey blonde hair, down to my waist, because to go to the beauty shop for me was made a nightmare by MD! (I still have hair issues and pull my hair back and tie it up, and I cut it myself with a pair of scissors.) Imagine the narcissistic horror of pure jealousy that was MD (I could NOT EVER EVER EVER BE BETTER THAN HER!!! EVER!!!!!! THAT WAS NOT NOT NOT ALLOWED!!!!!), but I was me, getting prettier by the day, and that would NEVER do!!! So she went out of her way to undermine my confidence (remember her self-proclaimed goal: to break my spirit) by ridiculing and shaming me. Because of the Fat Ridicule, starting when I was 8 or 9 ("LOOK AT YOU!! YOU'RE SO FAT!!!" - but I wasn't!!), she put me into acrobats and dance (hula, Tahitian, tap, ballroom - you name it) "for the exercise", she claimed. So how did I undermine HER? I got good! I could dance! And I loved it! FOILED AGAIN!

Plus I was also a bit of a tomboy; loved to play sports, both in school and at home. And I walked alone everywhere, even the 2 miles round trip to school every damn day - which was done in those days. If not doing that, I was on my bike, trying to escape MD. Was I healthy? Oh, you bet I was! And eventually very womanly, too. I was her worst nightmare! What a shape I had on me in my early teens! I saw that particular hairdo curl on the lady on Perry Mason and ZAP! TRIGGERED! ALL the hair and body image stuff came flooding back in as it is wont to do! There are so many times that happens that I can't count them. And that included the time she came into my bathroom when I was 16 looking for an argument, grabbed my face in her hand, and turned it towards the large mirror in there, and spat at me, "WHY CAN'T YOU BE PRETTY LIKE ME!??" Trust me, she wasn't that hot. And I wasn't that bad to look at. What a thing to say to me. Such a mean girl.

But today...I HAVE WORK TO DO! Even outside! And I'm finding myself smiling at the thought of it. DS is sleeping ATM - he worked an all nighter last night as a security guard. (I do worry about him because he's working 100 miles away in some dangerous areas in dangerous times, but I can't tie him to the house 24/7.) He's been a real peach helping me out with whatever I can't do around the house lately. We even got the truck running again (problem: just a completely dead battery) and he'll be servicing it (smog, Jiffy Lube, etc.) on Monday. But he'll be up soon and we'll be working on the garage. He bug bombed it last night before he left for work. Today I'm weedeating the rapidly growing grass (weeds) out in the backyard today and throwing out the old straw (still in disintegrating dog-attacked and dug in bales) around the yard for weed control and getting a HUGE amount of gardening stuff OUT of the garage (soils, peat moss, fertilizers, and Azomite, etc.) into felt Smart pots and old cardboard boxes to sit on the old strewn straw for carrots (those purple ones! ) and my new strawberry bare roots. I'm going to go pick up new straw very soon, now that I've got the pickup running! AND we are about to set up my tumbler composter, two barrels on it, 100 gallons (2 barrels, 50 gallons each - should be big enough), to turn as often as needed!! It's not just good exercise for me, but it's FUN, too! Walk, walk, walk!

And lo and behold, my health is improving greatly! I can walk to the kitchen without gasping for breath! That is a BIG DEAL! I have read that Heart Failure can be reversed, as can diabetes simply with an excellent diet, exercise, and sleep. I know it's true about the diabetes because I have beaten it once, but then gained the weight back due to a "broken heart" (not the heart failure), however I know that I can beat this...but if not now, I don't know if I'll be able to. So it's now or never. My yard and my house and my DS's help with it will get 'er done! YAY! But I'd better stop giving old MD memories this much of my precious time. I've got more to do than to dwell on her and what she's done, that's for sure!!

♥♥♥ {{{{ALL OF YOU!!}}} ♥♥♥

Busy Honeybera

BTW, DS found some ORGANIC strawberries at the same store that has the ORGANIC blueberries!! Still, as DS says, how do I know that they're as ORGANIC as the ones I grow in my own backyard? So we need to ready the planters for the strawberries arrival sometime after Feb. 6th (their shipping date), AND in any off-season I know where to buy frozen organic berries...and there you go! I also found out how to FREEZE ORGANIC apple slices for my smoothies. And I'm going to be planting some melons, both watermelon and cantaloupes for the first time this year underneath my fruit trees. I've been a real busy little bee!

Plus I'm cutting up all sorts of BROWN material (cardboard boxes [with WORX electric scissors while mindlessly watching TV], paper-based packing material [shredder gobbles it up], yard waste [old straw, plant trimmings, and maybe some worm castings, azomite {multiple minerals}, Mycorrhizal Inoculant Organic Root Enhancer {good cooties for soil health}]), and saving ALL compostable kitchen scraps for my little GREEN bucket to go into composter. possibly toss in a few worms. Add some WATER to my new composter (not too much) and AIR (why I got the tumbler composter that I can handle, tumble, gently spin and aerate) = COMPOST! AKA BLACK GOLD! The BEST garden fertilizer EVER! It only takes FOUR ITEMS: 1) GREEN 2) BROWN 3) WATER AND 4) AIR. And now it's FREE for me to use up all my garbage to make this perfect fertilizer! Talk about a WIN-WIN!!! Yep, this is FUN, and MD is NOT around to spoil my fun for me, may she rest in peace. No harm, no foul, BUT I SURVIVED!!! Spirit intact!!!!

Life is sweet.

[honeybera]

HEY PAPER! Just found this online IF you are interested! URBAN ORGANIC GARDENER dot COM (for those of us stuck in the city)

It is the PERFECT time of year for strawberries (Northern hemisphere), and if I can successfully plant them bare root, anybody can! Just saying...
And you're right: it is satisfying! And even healing to the spirit.

Honeybera

[Paper]

Thank you, honeybera, I’ve saved that page to look at some more. I read a bit already. They have lots of information. If, no when I get some strawberries planted and growing I’ll probably come back and let you know. I say probably because my memory dips in and out.

[Paper]

but when she could've stopped it, she didn't, and that WAS on her!

I don’t know why my parents didn’t. I didn’t want to be like either of my parents either. When I read this part of your post before I thought of what I did to make sure my children didn’t grow up the way I did. I wonder, about my mother, since I can’t face or remember the father stuff, if she didn’t have the guts to face it. You did. You did the hard and necessary things to stop it, and you got help, real help, and you broke the cycle. I just wanted to to acknowledge that. I wanted you to know I heard you. Well done. It’s a hard topic for me, so I’ll leave it at that. I’ve just always hated when I said something and people didn’t respond to the parts that were hard for them but responded to other stuff, and that’s happened to me a lot outside of this forum, and after my last answer I felt like I’d done the same and I didn’t want to do that to you so I came back to add this.

[honeybera]

MY RED CANDY APPLE ONIONS HAVE ARRIVED!! OMG! I have never raised onions before! And my seed potatoes (Yukon Gold and Purple Majesty) should be here by the 9th or 10th! Yikes!! (but , too!) I've got to be READY! I'm a real novice at all of these wonderful plants! <gulp!> I'm going to weed eat over to and nearby the planters...or maybe by the semi-destroyed Raised Beds. Maybe just fill a heavy cardboard Chewy or Amazon box with some sort of mixed up "potting soil" (enhanced) and stick them one by one in there. Or even fill up a 30 gallon Smart pot. I'll figure out something once I get out there. I just need to get it going. BTW, RED ONIONS are good for my breast cancer prevention. Regular onions, too, as well as garlic (these are all in the Allium family), but with the RED onions being the best for me.

I did a good deal of weed eating today. DS got my weed eater going for me and off I went. An hour later the battery died (expected), but it was dandy exercise. Today I did a cursory job of the dog's yard and some of my WOW view. Tomorrow I have to weed eat the other side of the house where the fruit trees are. ALL whippy weeds are deader than a door nail, but not for long, so now is my chance to destroy them. PLUS I have to prune my Aprium (apricot and plum mix) or else it's going to bloom before I prune it, and that's not good. And then my brand new adventure: RED CANDY APPLE ONIONS to be planted! If I can get all that done, I'll be VERY happy!!

Right now I need to read up on the pamphlet that came with the onion plants, all 25 of them. They're like slips or bare roots or something, and I'm completely unfamiliar with them.
=============================(just read the pamphlet)

I soaked the onion "plants" in water for about 2½ hrs. They're ready for planting, but I'm not. I need to study where I wish to plant them and in what? But they should be ok for a week or so. (Read: ASAP!!) It's been raining off and on for some time now. Not getting much done out there, but that's sort of ok, too. I'm inside learning about SULFORAPHANES! That's the ingredient in broccoli sprouts that is 100 times more potent in healing breast cancer than mature broccoli. 100 TIMES! It's also mimics what the Aromatase Inhibitors (the cancer pills) do. As I read my way to the edge of the current understanding of cancer and its treatment, the more I am appalled at the lack of knowledge on this subject. And yet, while enthusiastically reassuring me that the cancer had ALL been cut out of me, I still needed to keep my butt firmly planted on their happy conveyor belt ride of NO breast cancer recurrence! Next stop: radiation, chemotherapy, and/or (more likely "and") hormonal therapy (Aromatase Inhibitors or AI = horrible side effects of PAIN, menopause symptoms, etc).

If I sound irked, I am! I've had to crawl around searching for all of this information and looking and listening to Dr. Internet. Big Pharma and the Doctor$ are making HUGE cash (and it IS a real cash cow!!) and they don't want me to SIMPLY eat some blueberries and do some gardening and achieve the same results...so they just don't tell you of any alternatives. AND they treat a person like they're an imbecile and a dupe for even looking. They then try to heft you back up onto the conveyor belt, yet when I refused they recoiled in surprise and horror, then in anger! With all the bungles they made, they just could not understand why I would balk that way! "Shut up, sit down, and go along with this! DUH!!" Where have I heard that before?? Hmm.

It was the same thing when I took Microbiology in college. Suddenly, there was the end of our understanding! I literally asked the Dean of the Dept., "Is that it? We know no further?" and he affirmed that that was true. That was in 1980. The human genome was still a complete mystery and DNA and RNA were briefly mentioned in Physiology, a mere footnote. And that was the end of their knowledge at that time.

And I must admit: if I'd had Stage 4 breast cancer, if it had spread throughout my body and was metastasizing everywhere (which it would've been if at my mammogram I hadn't spoken up and shown the mammographist a bloody discharge!!), I'd have plopped my bottom right there on the conveyor belt happily! Give me radiation, give me chemo, give me hormonal therapy! But although they CONSTANTLY remind a person that "EVERYONE'S CANCER IS DIFFERENT!!!", they also give the impression of saying whatever they are saying by rote, pure and simple and without reason! "Here's your pamphlets, go to Door A, drop off form B, etc. etc. etc.", like a freakin' assembly line of BIG MONEY for them! I stepped out of line and they totally FREAKED OUT!!!

I have to wonder: are they genuinely unaware of the alternatives or just being greedy and devious. Some of them are just plain dumb or unqualified. When my Genetic Counselor tried to explain APOPTOSIS (the fact that normal cells die, that they have a life cycle that ends - unlike cancer cells, which don't die, but just keep living and dividing aka "immortal") she did it in such a sing-song, sugary sweet sort of voice that a 5 yr. old would find condescending, until I asked her, "OH! You mean APOPTOSIS??" and I could hear her gasp through the phone! "YOU KNOW THAT WORD?!" And I said, "Well sure! It's sort of like AUTOPHAGY, like how the cells live, die, and recycle themselves." And she said, "I don't know that word you just said." I explained it to her, my "genetic counselor", and we then had an adult conversation for which I was grateful. She explained that I MAY have a TP53 mutation (Tumor Protein

PROOF POSITIVE of autophagy vs apoptosis: from the NIH dot GOV website

Similarly, several autophagic proteins [autophagy] are implicated in extrinsic apoptosis. This highlights a dual cellular role for autophagy. On one hand, autophagy degrades damaged mitochondria and caspases, and on the other hand, it provides a membrane-based intracellular platform for caspase processing in the regulation of apoptosis [cell death].

And my "Oncologist" saw me once and was determined that my butt was to be firmly planted on the conveyor belt and that he was in charge of my life from then on. Uh...no. He attempted to set up another appointment which I promptly cancelled - and then they charged me a $10 copay and threatened to take me to COLLECTIONS! (I do not DO anything to be sent to collections...EVER!!!) They claimed that I showed up to that cancelled appointment and didn't pay my copay. They were that sure of themselves! They were the ones who gave me cellulitis during surgery, they left me with a swollen, painful breast until my surgeon drained nearly a cupful of dark fluid from it...FOUR WEEKS LATER! And they gave me cheap pills for the cellulitis that annihilated my gut microbiome and caused a horrible internal gut infection for weeks on end. They tried to "save me money" by giving me that horrid toxic medicine for the cellulitis - and even the "good" stuff wasn't much better. Oh, yeah, and the fact that I "went gray" on the operating table as THEY were giving me the cellulitis in the first place! Yeah, I'm finished with them.

Sorry to vent, but...every time I see that what I'm doing is right - like PERFECT and on the cutting edge of cancer research - and when I read the lists of superfoods (especially fresh raw broccoli sprouts and the sulforaphane as it relates to breast cancer!!) and each one is something that I already eat on a daily or nearly daily basis, I have to laugh. The lists keep telling me on a consistent basis that this food is helping or that food is, too, and these statements are coming from websites from hospitals, medical websites, universities, nutritionists, or dieticians...even the National Institute of Health USA (NIH - see above quote from them).

Study and research on this is ramping up, but using food as medicine, especially as prevention, which is what this is, has really been done for centuries already. Keto itself is 100 yrs. old and was/is used to help those with epilepsy. And it works! So hopefully for me this will work, too. With so many veggies and fruits eaten (low calorie, but higher in carbs), I can only do a low carb (50-100 gms carbs with NO SUGAR ALLOWED EVER!, NO processed foods (a homemade almond flour cookie rather than one purchased at the grocery store), and moderate meat/protein). ALL fruit has fructose (aka fruit sugar), which is metabolized solely by the liver, but I try to keep it under 100 gms/day now. Those specific low carb/low calorie fruits and veggies will help to save me from "recurrence" of bc, so switching from keto (under 20 carbs/day) to low carb to accommodate the increase of carbs is an easy trade-off and a no brainer.

BUT even if I chose to DO NOTHING AT ALL, my risk of recurrence is a pitiful 8%, or a 92% chance of nothing happening at all! So I ask: Why put me through all of this SUPER EXPENSIVE (AND PAINFUL) "TREATMENT" for such a small (and unmeasurable) result? Makes no sense to me! And even if I do everything I'm told to with my butt firmly planted on the Conveyor Belt to Hell FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS, it only affords me a 4% (THAT'S FOUR PERCENT, FOLKS!!!!) reduction in "risk". And what the hell does THAT mean ANYWAY?? WHO MAKES UP THESE NUMBERS? SHEESH!!

====================(Monday 11AM)

I'm looking at a bright blue sky outside ATM...LOVELY! I'll be going out there soon, at about 1pm when it warms up a little, beginning at the garage side door to the east side of the house and weedeating the 12" tall weeds down, spreading the old straw around, and pruning the Aprium! I've never pruned before and am both terrified and sorry for my little tree in hands such as mine. But I will do my best, I really will!! It's never been pruned since I've had it. I sort of know what to do: anything dead or crossing goes first. I think I'll do that today, study as to what happens next, and return tomorrow.

BUT FIRST!!!!!! I'm going to go get my wide mouth Mason jars with screen lids and a stand for growing ♥♥ BROCCOLI SPROUTS!! ♥♥ that I've had for a long time. Even BEFORE I knew about broccoli sprouts and reduction of bc risk. I bought some mung beans, too.

As is always the case with me, I have TWO HUGE #10 CANS OF BROCCOLI SEEDS (very pricey!) when all I need are two tablespoons of seeds per jar + water to soak them for 8-24 hrs. depending on the site that I'm going by. So that's just what I'm going to do right now. I understand that I need to faithfully rinse the sprouts 2-3 times a day or else they can have very "rotten egg" smell. OK. I'll rinse them faithfully. Fear of recurrence is real, no matter how small the risk is, and fear makes control easy. I'll do it.

==============================(1:30PM)

WHEW!!! I've been out there in the backyard for an hour and a half weedeating this tall grass stuff and WHIPPY WEEDS! The Whippies are SUCH a pain in the ---!! They seem to leap out and GRAB the weedeater, instantly wrap around the inside casing, and bring the weedeater to a complete ABRUPT stop!! They crawl into our a/c unit and they tangle around my ankles, trying to trip me up and make me fall. If I didn't know better, I'd SWEAR that they knew what they're doing!! AARRGGHH!!

I did about a 20' x 20' area. Since it rained yesterday, it wasn't a really clean cut, but it lowered the TALL weeds somewhat. TONS of junk and dog toys out there hidden in the one ft. high grass. I need to get out there earlier and with my bucket to sit on as needed. THE APRIUM ALREADY HAS BARELY OPENING BLOSSOMS ON IT!!! !! I spent some time untangling a few branches from the whippy weeds, but mostly weedeating. I have a seriously dilapidated lawn swing out there, too, covered in dead-from-the-cold whippy weeds, but know of a seamstress who will give me (for a price) nice new covers and pads. At least I hope she still does that sort of thing! She was found before the pandemic.

I also noticed that the Mystery Boxes, stacked a full 10' high, are leaning over towards the garage side door like the Tower of Pisa! Two stacks, both leaning precariously! I can't reach the top ones, but DS can. He is also an expert at rolling up huge balls of dead whippy weeds, so I told him to plan to give me some time for the next 3 days. Once I get some of the cleanup done, I can address the actual planting of my garden. ALL of this helps with my mood and feelings of well-being. That yard is a real mess out there! I was surprised as to how little has been done out there over YEARS of time! There's a lot of work involved to get it right again.

For 76 yrs. old, I'm finding that I'm in remarkably good shape. And anything that's wrong with me (I'm also finding) is reversible! The remedy? Exercise (I read gardening because to do something just to be moving seems asinine), a good healthy DIET (as explained above), and good SLEEP (I've gotten back to "normal" hours of sleeping and sleep like a log when I do sleep). Notice that there's little to no money to be had if I follow these simple rules. For me, this new method seems to be working, BUT to look at the mess I've allowed the backyard to get into, I can see that I either need to fix it up and KEEP it up on a regular basis, including watering DAILY in the HOT summertime as needed, OR just pave the entire thing over with cement. (The latter is not a good option for me.) A little stress is a good thing. I don't want to "sit" myself to death...and it could happen.

As soon as I finish here, I'm heading for the front room (the Mason jars and the stand for the broccoli sprouts to begin!) and the kitchen (I'm hungry!), AND then to bed happily.

Honeybera - healing up day by day, inside and out

[honeybera]

THIRD day in a row out in the yard for about an hour of either weedeating or standing or walking!! That is exceptional for me!! I have to admit, I am rather proud of myself!

BUT OMG! You should see the mess (AND THE STUBBORNNESS!!!!) of those horrible whippy weeds (aka Morning Glory vines ). Some hidden basic root like structures as big as your little finger are EVERYWHERE!! THEY'RE HUGE! And just waiting stealthily to sprout again in spring and GROW OVER what had died in the wintertime. The mess it leaves underneath is a snarled mess of dried up dead leaves with strong green vines over the top of that: the new growth. I do not know how I'm going to get this matted crud off the tops of my trees and lawn swing. The lawn swing covers are toast (done, finished!! KAPUT!), BUT I have a lady in Colorado who specializes in covers for this exact model. I'll have to paint the frame even, but it's still in amazingly good shape. But all that is some time away, maybe June or July. RIGHT NOW I have to get the INVASIVE whippy weeds off my swing, my fences, climbing UP into my HOUSE WINDOWS AND my roof, cut the thumb sized roots away from the base of my poor little weeping Santa Rosa plum tree (sweetest plums EVER, but under an absolute SHROUD of whippys as are all my peaches and apricots and Fuji apple trees AND even my strawberries!)...I'm telling you, this stuff is HORRIBLE!!!

But it's a real FIRST THINGS FIRST type of chore. My poor RED CANDY APPLE ONIONS are patiently waiting for me to get busy and plant them, all 50 of them! I stuck the roots (only!) in water for two hours and the tops are still green, but I need to set up a bed (or some beds) for these little guys. My raised beds (#1, #2, and #3 = ALL OF THEM) are in a total shambles. Cedar wood only lasts for so long and they are beginning to crumble from assaults from decay and enthusiastic pups probably hearing gophers or rats or mice underneath. To address that, sitting currently in my hallway is that Peppermint Oil System (very organic) I just got. Both ants and rats/mice hate that smell and will avoid it like the plague. I got cotton balls and sticks to mount them on and will soak those cotton balls with the peppermint oil. IN ADDITION, I may just get some peppermint plants and grow them around my veggies and trees. Fingers crossed for that to be a big success! Safe for the dogs, too. Let's hope this works.

If it doesn't, I've always got my tulle fabric (pronounced TOOL) which is an irritating feel to the claws of the rats and they won't go near it. But first I have to get rid of the whippy weeds, put down weed control (straw, large sheets of cardboard, and possible cement in some areas, like the a/c), and plant my tomatoes and my peppers NOW inside under my grow lights. Everything seems to be a "NOW!!!!", but I'm trying to stay sane, address what I've allowed my little plot of heaven to become, and fix it one day at a time.

And to top it off, just this little bit of effort out in the yard (and garage) and what it's showing me that I can do, plus my smoothies and eating right, I'm also losing weight (I think). Don't own a scale (that's deliberate), so I can't say for sure, but my muumuus are just hanging off me all of a sudden! Maybe this is how I mysteriously lost 93 lbs. in 10 months when N was here in 2010. He was always doing something and wanted me to join in even after I'd driven the bus all day. Just the increase of activity did it I think. My routine was work-eat-sleep, get up and do it all over again. Totally a stay at home girl! But there wasn't much rest with him around. Go fishing, go see some park somewhere and hike around, go out to eat, ride bikes, walk through home depot and shop, go out to some Indian movie with subtitles - I'd get off work and off we'd go! I believe the extra activity did it and is doing it again. My fasting blood sugars are around 114-120. AMAZING!

And what's so good about that is that my being so fat is one of the most important problems being generated with the bc, diabetes, mental state, you name it! My obesity exacerbates them all! So the most important thing to do is to lose weight, and that seems to come by straightening up my garden. It's a lot of work, though. A LOT! But what a benefit!

Way past time for bed now. I've got a lot to do tomorrow!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

It's 12:20am right now. I should be going to bed soon, and I will, BUT I just found out that Hormel has a huge line of pureed 7 oz. plates available through Walmart of all places. When my father was alive, he began to choke on everything, even water. I had majored in Nursing in college and had previously worked as a Certified Nursing Assistant, but I was busy working as a bus driver 100 miles away in 2011 and MD was his "nurse". She loved to hear compliments of what a GOOD NURSE she was, but to tell you the truth, she STUNK to high heavens AS A NURSE!!!! She only cared about herself. (Nothing new there!) Although she hovered around him like a fly on a big pile of sh-t, she grew tired of all that work. And it is work!

But what got me tonight so much that I had to write it out is that there were foods I didn't know about. MD would make him a regular dinner, like a pork chop or steak and a plate of steamed broccoli, fine to eat when he didn't choke, but he needed it pureed! He choked horribly with every bite! She would just set the plate in front of him and walk away. You could hear him hacking and coughing deeply throughout the house as he tried to eat. In the nursing home I worked in long ago, they just threw whatever was for dinner into their blender for people with choking problems. One of these pureed dinners from Hormel has like beef, gravy, mashed potatoes, and corn, or chicken and gravy and peas or something. MD had a blender, and if she didn't, she had plenty of money to buy one, for Pete's sake!! Or one of these pureed microwavable dinners!! Oh, I am so mad right now! She even had water thickener, but wouldn't use it. TOO FRIGGING LAZY I GUESS!!!

MD wasn't alone in all this. She had OO-e, a nurse from the veterans administration paid by them for 3 days a wk, and MD paid her for the other 3 days. Laziest thing you'd ever seen!!! She'd lay on the sofa next to my dad's chair and WATCH GUNSMOKE ALL DAY LONG! But she never fed my dad, nor did she ever prep any food for them! SHE ate things that were in the house, but did not give anything to MD or my father. MD also had HOUSEKEEPERS come in and clean for her, but she'd tidy up before they came.

I've got to get to sleep and quit even thinking about this crap!! It only serves to make me mad. But she could have helped my father in his need, and all she did was "help him" until no one was watching, and then she just ignored him and handed him a pork chop. She was seethingly upset at him for being "elderly" at 88. Oh crud, I'm doing it again. Nighty-night.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I use this forum for so much healing! Today I succeeded in growing the most fantastic BROCCOLI SPOUTS using the jar method. It's not difficult, but it does need to be consistent with the rinsing of the sprouts 2-3 times a day. My reward? The ABSOLUTE BEST "medicine" for reducing the risk of breast cancer recurrence!! It's called Sulforaphane and it happens when the broccoli sprouts are chewed - and I mean CHEWED!! So instead of chewing, I'm opting for giving them a quick spin in my Blendtec with the other smoothie ingredients. If that doesn't get that Sulforaphane happening, nothing will!

Trouble is...I always have such a hard time TRYING new stuff. Like making YEAST bread a few years back. OMG, it just floored me, that YEAST concept! I was terrified! But once I did it, it was a piece of cake...or bread. The yeast didn't even make the bread rise that much. It was mainly used just for the flavor, and it worked. I'm the same way with my tools. It takes me some time to sort of creep up on a new concept, like using my chain saws. I still need to prune out there. The fear to do so is great, however time is running out before the blossoms are there! But today I "pruned" one of my Purple Tree Collards (still in a one gallon pot at 3' tall and a couple of years old) because it was beginning to bolt and have adorable little yellow flowers on it. (NOT good!) So I cut off the flowers with my WONDERFUL little snips...just like that! Snip, snip, snip and DONE.

That was a REALLY BIG DEAL to me!!!! I'd already done the dishes and refilled the dog's 15 gallon food bucket (mixed up their "chow", specially prepared by me with all kinds of freeze-dried raw foods added in - oh, how well they eat!!) and begun to address my grow lights nearby and redo that mess. And then later I saw the purple tree collards with the bolting going on, grabbed my snips, and out I went. What I found was ALSO a total lack of water! I was surprised. We've had at least SOME rain. So I watered the entire thing out there - AND I am determined to add those tasks to my already full lists of "to-do" things! Just before coming in I gathered up many old pots laying around out there. Getting ready to start my seeds indoors and re-pot all of the 4" pots for outside = A LOT OF WORK!! I don't have to do it ALL TODAY, but I do need to do SOMETHING EVERY DAY! And that I can do!

I'm also adding a good garden pickup/cleanup and saving the bags of "garden waste" for my (STILL UNASSEMBLED!) tumbler composter. I believe tomorrow I'd like to call the company who said that they will come out and assemble the darned thing...for a price. Waiting for DS is an exercise in futility! I'm going to see just how much that assembly would cost. I'm frankly getting tired of waiting. DS does a good job, but he's lacking enthusiasm. Meanwhile, I'm throwing out "kitchen scraps" like 20 banana peels from my bananas to freeze. Or eggs shells. Or orange peels. Or "cleaning the fridge" veggie waste. Or YARD WASTE! So yeah...I will see how much they'd do the job for and decide. Maybe offer that $$$ to DS and see if he'd like to make that money. He might.

But my BIG challenge tonight is those BROCCOLI SPROUTS. They are now 4 days old. 5 days seems to be the limit, so tonight's the night! I ALSO had a very hard time making my FIRST *smoothie*! Now I am having a hard time using the FIRST broccoli sprouts! What is it with me? Am I normal or a real whacko? I'm finding that saying to myself, "First things first." and taking the first little baby step usually helps me get the entire thing done. I'm doing my first FINAL rinse of the sprouts to get rid of any seed hulls. After that, they can patted dry between two paper towels and be stored in the fridge for several days if needed, but I won't need to. I already have two other jars started (on different days) and will start another one from scratch tonight. I keep them in my bathroom covered with a towel. So far, it's working like a charm! The people in the videos seem to feel that the seed hulls should be WELL RINSED OUT before using and discarded prior to tossing them into one's salad, but I'M going to Blendtec them! I put 3" long pieces of raw carrot in there, frozen chunks of blueberries, strawberries, red grapes, and bananas. I have to hold the Blendtec with one hand on the handle when it's first going, so it won't fly off the countertop with the shaking! And here we have these tender little broccoli sprouts that need to be mightily CHEWED UP in that mix. Yeah, I'll be fine I think. I love a smooth smoothie!! LOL

Time for smoothie making!!

Honeybera - a stubborn lady determined to never get breast cancer again!