Letting go

[honeybera]

thinking of you with all you're dealing with and hoping you get good rest and feel some relief...{{{{{{{honeybera}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks so much, Oceantide. And thanks for the hug, too. Always welcome!

Today was the big f2f meeting/consultation with Dr. E, my soon to be surgeon. I also "met" with my nurse coordinator in the car (on the phone) as DS and I returned from the initial meeting with the surgeon. Boy oh boy, are they efficient! The nurse coordinator said that she will be my "advocate" ♥♥♥ and that she is assigned to me as part of my staff and/or team. Wasn't that me that was asking for, longing for "a friend" only a short while ago? Always be careful what you ask for! I now have my myriad of angels sheltering me with their wings as I stumble through this life experience, but at what a sacrifice. Still, I am in great hands and I have a lot of faith in my care team. They are all gentle, kind, and talented in whatever their roles are. They are also very honest with me, which I appreciate beyond all measure. I really like KK, my oncology nurse coordinator, too. I'm still a bit scared (naturally), but I'm feeling much more confident, too.

They offered me the surgery beginning next Friday, June 3rd, but I declined that date because I want to absolutely FINALIZE my Living Trust and Power of Attorney for my DS before undergoing surgery. My Living Trust is just not notarized yet and hasn't been paid for. I will probably be just fine through the surgery, but you never know.

The surgery begins at 6am and lasts about an hour and a half. My tumor, by the way Dr. E sees it as a surgeon, is more like 2 cm rather than the 0.8 listed on the pathology report. And she's going to remove and test "a couple" of lymph nodes "just to be absolutely sure that they are not involved". Good idea. Afterwards, a couple of stitches here and there, a lollipop and a gold star (if I'm good) , and they send me home! No hospital stay for me!

Then they send my still tiny tumor (which is sort of slow growing, thank heavens) and the "sentinel nodes" (lymph) off to the lab for diagnosis, and in about a week I'll get the results and recommendation for treatment from what they find. And that's it. Take it easy for a week or so. Then even gardening is on the menu again. Probably I'll get 3-6 wks. of daily radiation, have to take estrogen lowering pills for several years so I don't "feed" any remaining possible cancers (I'm ER+ and PR+, meaning that my cancer can "eat" or benefit from any estrogen or progesterone that I'm still making, even after menopause), but PROBABLY no chemotherapy because I am HER2 negative. They even tested me for any genetic cancer problems I may have, but probably don't.

So it's all still pretty much a crap shoot until after the surgery and after the lab work is back. Then they can be more specific.

====================(Sat. noonish)

Really good news! I'm finding out that both my low carb/sugar free diet coupled with the intermittent fasting that I've been doing for YEARS now is just what the doctor ordered for breast cancer survival! I need to eat less beef (no worries, it's too expensive anyway), but outside of that, I'm good to go! No more Sucralose artificial sweeteners, but I think that the erythritol-monk fruit combo that I normally use works just fine. Who would have dreamed that this would have happened??! I started reading the information on 'what to eat and what to avoid' and began to cheer!! ALL BRASSICAS are ok!!!! That means that my cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, AND COLLARDS, both tree and regular, are not only GOOD to eat, but act in the same way as do the dreaded AI pills (aromatase inhibitors)!! They BOTH reduce the estrogen in my body that "feeds" the breast cancer! So...

Eat some collards, enhance the effect of the pills! Stir fry some cabbage OR broccoli with some organic chicken, enhance the effect of the pills! Make some Faux-tatoes with cauliflower or throw some RED RICE or PURPLE RICE (a new discovery for me!!) into the Instant Pot with chicken AND/OR ♥dry beans♥ and...well, you get the idea! I don't have to "miss" anything!!!!!!! I am so happy about that!!!!! (And relieved!!) Even oats (my beloved oats! YAY!) are back on the menu!! I'll just have to keep an eye on the amount of carbs eaten, but the rice is only 19 net carbs per cup, so with lots of chicken in the dish, I can happily make a nice filling meal of it...once a day. That works for me!! And the whole shebang (even the rice and organic chicken) is sold at Walmart. My nearest Whole Foods is over a mountain range away (literally!), so Walmart it is. I order online, the Walmart employees "shop" for it in the store, and DS picks it up and brings it home, and there you go. How nice is that!

It seems (emphasize "seems") that I can also help myself through this bc jungle with EXERCISE as well! (Didn't I wish for more exercise in my life, too? I have to watch out for what I ask for! I just might get it! ) But my house is like a gym...with other benefits than just weight loss and strength training, like the soul-deep satisfaction of a clean and uncluttered house, a functional garage, and a productive and beautiful garden. Now, however, it also even means a lesser chance of any cancer, breast or otherwise, returning, so that's even more incentive! It's like God saying to me, "Haven't you gotten the HINT yet?? A-hem!" "Uh...yes, Sir. Exercise it is."

====================(9pm Sat.)

So tonight I watered the entire yard. Most needed it. It's been pretty windy and hot here lately, but nothing blew over and nothing died from lack of water, so I'm good. Then once back inside, I restocked the dog's dry food bin with their custom food mix (but they pick out the tastier treats first as they eat, smart girls ) and now their 6-gallon dry food "garbage can" (with a lid) that holds 20 lbs. of this dry mix (really fancy!) is full and mixed. I also rearranged their area to be cleaner and more manageable. And I swept the floor and organized their MANY bags of treats into differences of hardness. I gave them their "nighty-night" treats (treats with some staying power) which they gnawed on happily.

Then I headed for the front room to cut up boxes...but...DS is working until midnight tonight. On my area to cut up the boxes are MULTIPLE and EXTREMELY HEAVY 25# bags of all sorts of grains waiting for the storage room to be cleared so we can store this stuff elsewhere. But there it sits in my front room, on top of my box cutting station, plopped down there when it was delivered weeks ago, blocking my ability to cut up and dispose of the empty cardboard boxes. I do have to stand while doing so, so I guess that that is exercise, too...but I'm unable to until DS decides to move them into a less crucial place.

BUT there are "standing" chores in the hobby room tonight, important ones, pressing ones, so that's where I'll work for a while. It's all about getting my plants TRANSFERRED to bigger pots, mixing the soil up, giving the plants a chance to live. I keep putting it off. Now I can continue to sit on my butt and complain about it or DO something about it. And help to stave off the growth of this bc inside me. Seems an easy and blatantly obvious choice, doesn't it?! I believe I'll wash out the hummingbird feeder by hand and fill it tomorrow so there's no ant problems tonight. Then re-pot at least ONE plant! I know the one: the Purple Tree Collard that's been sitting in the deep hobby room sink for all this time, looking tired and needing some attention. And then my poor little peppers, grown from seed, trying to survive my procrastination, begging me with their sad condition to simply replant them. Not that much to ask.

So that's my focus...and it can be done in the nighttime inside when it's dark outside. Let's see how I do. I'll let you know tomorrow honestly. It's super important now how I either get over MD and the barbs she left behind in me like mental IEDs with the intent and purpose to snag and destroy me, OR whether I allow her to win at her vicious game. I'll be damned if I'm going to let that happen at this late date. I can overcome it and thrive despite all of those long-buried "roadside bombs" she bequeathed to me on her passing.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Tuesday 5/31 Well, it's a bit later than tomorrow but I'm SUPER proud of myself! I fertilized with FISH EMULSION my entire growing yard this evening...ALL of it! First I filled the 2 gallon watering can with a hardy glug of the ancient, but probably still potent, FE and poured a bit of that "tea" into each and every pot and tree. I haven't done that in literally YEARS AND YEARS! I mean to, but...y'know, I say "tomorrow". I have gallons of this stuff sitting around...and also bags and bags of it. I need to simply USE IT. This cancer thing is putting everything into perspective for me.

So one round of little "pours" (maybe a ¼c. - 1 c. depending on the size of the plant) all the way around the yard, and after that I watered as usual. I keep wanting to do that, but this evening I DID IT!!!! That is improvement!!

I'm also going to buy my Birdie's Raised Beds at epicgardening dot com

=====================(Thursday wee hours)

They ran out of my raised beds. I'll have to wait for the next sale and shipment received I guess: 4th of July, Labor Day, etc.

I've been awake tonight since 9pm after a nice long nap. Not a problem. Tonight, though, I kept getting this "uh-oh" feeling deep in my chest as I watched TV and did chores, an uneasiness that nags and won't go away. Hmm, I thought, what could that bad feeling be? Then I recognized it: it's grief!!! Actually a combination of dread (DEEP dread!!) and grief. I thought that I was miles past this emotional feeling, but I guess not. It's fear, too. I know that I have to walk into the hospital on 6/15 for my surgery. I can't just ignore this. I really wish I could. But it's real, it's invasive, and it's time to get rid of it as much as I can which means trusting my surgeon and THEN the actions of "my cancer team", and I'm not one to trust many people due to my history with MD and others throughout my life. That aspect of it I know that you all understand.

So I've been studying...and studying...and studying!!! The problem is, the more I study, the more contradictions I see, given by "experts". "I have xx# of years doing this. TRUST ME.", they all tell me. OMG. If they screw me up, it won't even come out of their pay. They will just move on to the next one, and I will be crippled for the rest of my life. And that is scary to me. Right now, I have no lumps, no pain, no symptoms except for the discharge, and when they did my mammogram, they didn't even see fit to do anything but ask me to come back for another mammogram in a year or so...until I asked for a tissue and showed the mammographer what my concern was (the bloody discharge). She then said, "Oh! Well, maybe we should send you to have an ultrasound." DUH!! She was about to send me home (the 2nd time since my last mammogram in 2020) with invasive breast cancer. I'm glad I didn't trust them then!! I'm forever grateful that I spoke up.

And now they want me to "trust them". And I'm finding it very difficult to do so. I feel like an unimportant, but extremely necessary, pawn in their daily cancer patient game that they play. My Oncology Nurse Coordinator, my "advocate", says (and I quote): "Just take everything you hear from others with a grain of salt." REALLY?? So I am to trust HER and ONLY HER? Hmmmm... Today she began "our journey" by patiently, excruciatingly, and apparently by rote dumbing down and describing the term "bell curve" to me so that I could understand it and where I fit on this bell curve of cancer. Her voice was almost sing-song, like you'd talk to an imbecile or a very small child you didn't want to upset. I told her that I already understood the term, that I was near completing my baccalaureate degree in Nursing when I left to be a transit bus driver (a much more suitable career for me!), had tutored in Microbiology at the request of the head of the Microbiology Dept. at the university level because I "got it", and that she should never assume that I was an "average patient" willing to just go along to get along. It simply isn't me.

Blessedly, she "decided" that I did not have to come in to meet with her (I'll bet!), that we can do our meetings over the phone (thank God!!), and she's going to allow me to text her and/or leave her a message on her phone, even in the wee hours. WONDERFUL!! Good enough for me.

But that nagging "grief" feeling will probably last until DS comes through my front door, home from work. They plan to work him a lot in the next week. (What don't they get with the term Part Time??) In the meantime, I'll watch TV and sort papers and grind most of them up in the shredder. I hope and pray that no one else calls me at 10am and wakes my tired butt up because I have been up all night and they haven't. Chipper little voices asking me questions and/or making multiple appointments with me as I try to rouse from a coma like sleep! I'm beginning to get...well, grumpy due to a lack of uninterrupted SLEEP! I slept from 2pm-9pm today due to pure exhaustion, but am now wide awake for the rest of the evening/night. I'm finishing a LARGE stack of papers to be shredded, taking a nice soothing shower, turn on a quieting podcast, and hopefully can get some uninterrupted sleep once DS returns at the crack of dawn.

Someone from the cancer center called me this evening to ask me to give some answers on a survey, but fortunately the call was not able to wake me up, so they left a voice mail. I will call them tomorrow to let them know to not do that again...nicely...but if they continue to bug me, I can always block their calls, cancer or no cancer!!! Man oh man, they do not know me!!! They have their ways of doing things and I have mine. I don't call them at 3:45am! That would be rude and terribly disruptive. Perhaps they can just send me a text or something. I think I will suggest that, due to my odd hours that are apparently different from all other humanity. Sheesh!!

MD always maintained that this attitude of mine is what drove her to abuse me (like it was MY fault ), but in hind sight, which is always 20/20, I see nothing wrong with my attitude. She always wanted to control me, but she could not. She tried. "Why can't I just break your spirit??", she'd say. Well, she couldn't. Not because the effort wasn't made. It was made. REPEATEDLY. With fists and open hands (thank God she was a weakling!), with "weapons" (hair brush, wire coat hangers, anything nearby, once even a metal Electolux vacuum cleaner swung to the face/head...hard!!), and with horrible, horrible words and shame and trickery.

MD used to love to play a vicious "game" with me as the dupe that I dubbed "Here, Birdie, Birdie". She would be sweet, gentle, loving, and quite interesting...but all just to get me to drop my guard and respond and get close enough, to TRUST her enough, that's it, closer, closer...GOTCHA!! And then she was back to her old mean and cruel self, laughing at me being so gullible once again. I'm smelling that same game with these people: "Only listen to me. Just come to the hospital. It MAY be alright. It PROBABLY will be ok. We won't know anything until AFTER the surgery since we have to test the removed breast tissue AND lymph nodes...you'll have to WAIT for 5 (working) days for the results. Then you'll go see someone you've never met nor do you even have a name for them to determine your further treatment. You may or may not have any pain, you won't know until AFTER the surgery. You PROBABLY will have [pain, complications, time recovering, etc. etc. etc.]." And so on.

As for "ask all the questions you want" does NOT mean that I'll be given any solid answers! The standard comeback is, "First the surgery, then the answers." Is that right?? I do not know. I hear, "Just get the surgery." and what is triggered is Here, Birdie, Birdie! "Don't even think about it!!! Just get the surgery, your insurance will pay us whether we mess you up more or whatever"...my now-dead SIL was one of these Oncology Nurses (she died of COVID last Dec., but was terrified of dying of bc because her mother and sister died of it - strange world!) and my DB just told me that she referred to SOME surgeons as "cutting for dollars". Oh my! Is my surgeon/radiologist/family doctor involved in this? I'm really torn!! Here, Birdie, Birdie!

My background is causing me (somewhat) to be distrustful of people I don't know and who keep contradicting themselves and others. What's a girl to believe?? Whose answers are legitimate?? I'll see how things go. Thank God for all of you!! ♥I trust you all.♥ And I trust this as a safe place, due in a large part to Jonesy and the strict protocols on here. And I'm so grateful to you!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Woo-hoo!! Today I learned "how to sympathize"!! Just speak in a low keyed, sugary sweet voice and never answer a straight question with a straight answer! My new Oncology T (aka a social worker who specializes in dealing with Oncology patients) gave me a call (she's to be hereafter known as "TA" to distinguish her from my Oncology Nurse NK). My head is in a whirl! Too many "supportive" people and none of them with any answers to any questions, except that everything is unknown "until after the surgery". Oh, and after the then "5 working days" delay in examining and testing my breast tissue. And then after that, they will notify me of who my oncologist even is and will be for the duration of what appears to be tortuous treatment over the next 5 years, "just to make sure it doesn't come back". LORDY!!

Some "support"!

Do I sound upset? I AM! I guess I should be grateful...and I'm trying to be. I really am. But prep me for what it is that I'm blindly facing and being forced to walk into and comply with whatever they say. Mine (SHOULD BE) easy to do...but they are erring on the side of EXTREME caution, "popping out" up to 5 lymph nodes to make SURE that they are absolutely and assuredly "clean" and without cancer. I'm classified as HER2- (+1) which translates to "negative" (0-1 = negative) which indicates that I won't have to undergo chemotherapy. Great! Chemo is what makes your hair fall out, among other less than wonderful things. But my surgeon is saying, "Hm. Yes. We're still going to have to see about chemo..." (AFTER the surgery!! I'm so sick of hearing that cop-out!!) And my surgeon should NOT be even saying that! It's the oncologist that determines treatment...yes, AFTER THE SURGERY!!

So...ok...how intense is "THE surgery"? What can I expect afterwards? What's the recovery like? I've only had one other surgery where I was "under anesthetic" (my second C-section - the first one I was wide awake with a caudal)..."Oh sorry. We won't know until...(can you guess what's coming by now?)...AFTER the surgery is over and we know what we're dealing with." Pulling out my hair by the roots!!!! AARRGGHH!!

So they're giving me the run around and I don't know why. JUST TELL ME!! BE HONEST WITH ME!! GUESS IF YOU HAVE TO!! REASSURE THIS FRIGHTENED PATIENT. HAVE A HEART! But no. "We'll know AFTER the surgery.", said in a now terse and somewhat irritated voice, signalling 'case closed'. And then I have to wait 5 business days for even those results. Good grief!!

Do I throw myself into absolute trust (a fearful word for me, in and of itself!) and just walk in zombie-like and docile into the myriad of appointments already booked for me with this T and that Nurse Navigator (also oncology) and pre-op and finally OP while behaving myself and letting them do anything and everything to me that they want to? They are going to give me a glass of water after my surgery to make sure I'm not going to barf along with a "cracker" with the same goal. Whoopee. Probably a Saltine. I should not eat a Saltine. They are made with wheat. Doesn't matter. Eat it anyway! Everything is set up in advance. Everything is by rote. "Do this, then do that, and don't you move your butt off of that assembly line. WE know what we are doing!! YOU know NOTHING, Ignorant Deplorable! WE'VE been doing this for umpteen years, so let us do our jobs. Now did you have any questions?" I needn't even ask because I already know the answer: "AFTER THE SURGERY!" along with a slightly exasperated sigh and a tight smile. Then a saccharinely polite, "Any OTHER questions?" Nah. Why bother?

And during all of this I can HEAR them emotionally stepping back from me, irked by my bothersome inquiries. I don't want to alienate "my team" which actually feels to me as not a team that is on my side in the slightest, but simply the surgeon's team of very efficient office girls determined to POLITELY wrangle yet another BC victim through this course of action. I drove the bus for over 25 yrs and had to, as a socially backward autistic, LEARN how to handle the public. I am on the far end of the spectrum and am thereby considered "high functioning". So is DS. But while driving, I finally learned how to handle difficult people in the best way possible: smile at them and be polite and cheerful and even welcoming, but if they were having none of that, just "shut up and drive the bus", which was what they often said to me. I found that that was my best method. So I am understanding that this is probably my best method for these folks, too, since they are so entrenched in their ways of doing things and I am considered a simplistic, uneducated boob (no pun intended) that has probing questions that make them uncomfortable because they have no answers for me, at least none that they can tell me. "Just do what we say." This is so difficult for me. I'll need to trust, and the trust just isn't there...without them giving me at least some vague answers. I have nowhere to "hang my hat". It's an uncertain and frightening place to be, especially for me.

Well, that is all. I just needed to vent tonight. I couldn't take one more soft, sugary, low-key voice tonight, even in my own head. I'll bet that this is indeed just a tempest in a teapot, an hour and a ½ surgery where they actually don't even want to keep you and instead just send you home with a compression bra and some ice. NICE! I'll have some soup cubes ready in the freezer to heat and eat and DS is quite the good cook. His mother has taught him well. And the tumor is very small (max. 2cm, the size of a pencil eraser, BUT it is invasive and is growing, albeit kind of slowly) and is way up front in my breast, so I actually want the surgery to get rid of an invasive (spreading) cancer, of course. No lymph nodes are affected...as far as we know at this time. (We'll know AFTER the surgery and then the 5 days of more waiting. ) So my "chances of survival" look good, in fact, excellent...at this time. BUT we won't KNOW until AFTER the surgery. And what treatment happens after that will be determined by the Oncologist (the real cancer doctor that I don't even know yet). Yada, yada, yada!!

I've just decided that tomorrow morning (at 6:30am, nice and sunny, but no dogs out yet) I'm going to FINALLY fertilize my poor patient citrus trees! They are trying so hard to be good and they have many fruits on them. Even my Cara Cara orange tree has an orange struggling to be. It also needs to be trimmed up - I could happily use the weed eater out there, too. The two Meyer lemons (which are actually a combination of a lemon and an orange) have a TON of tiny green lemons on both trees and look absolutely lush and vibrant! Even the Eureka lemon (a true lemon) is trying to live despite the HUGELY overgrown root stock that is larger than the original tree! That is what the mini chainsaw is for. I've never used one...yet...but I will ASAP. The root stock has these big old thorns, like 2" long or worse, sharp as a pin, and it has fruit, too, but what it is is still a mystery!! Bigger than a grapefruit, but uglier, and I can almost feel the life being drawn out from the Eureka lemon tree it's supposed to be helping. But the Eureka, with its wonderful and tasty fruit, is fighting back, and I need to help it out by eliminating the overgrown root stock (with the mini 6" chainsaw) and giving it fertilizer and plenty of water all summer long.

Oh, and my Cha Cha chives are just thriving after the initial fish emulsion dousing the other day. Happy to see that. I need to check everything out there in the morning, just 3 hours away. Oh, and pull the mammoth WEEDS growing in my strawberries planter with a handy-dandy tool I have, add some more potting soil and just basically tidy them up and add some Mor-Bloom granulated fertilizer. That'll do it!! And fill up my hummingbird feeder: they are pathetically coming around the Black and Blue Salvias for at least a sip of nectar. Too sad. I need to get on the ball! I really do!

I am so glad that I have isurvive.org to go to in the wee hours with friends and followers around. I think I'd go nuts otherwise. God bless the American Cancer Society and others, but it's just not the same secure feeling as I get on here. I guess I'm a survivor in another way now, but this is where I'm healing up emotionally from MD, and I thank you so much for that privilege.

Honeybera ♥♥♥

[honeybera]

I really have given up ATM. I wonder if this is just simply part of "the bc process" that people go through while doing the eternal waiting for surgery in what I'm being told is "the worst part" of this entire process (the waiting and not knowing)? Well, it sucks, I can tell you that!

AND IT'S STRESSFUL!!! So I went on a week-long fat fast. That means that I can eat when really hungry, but only things that are high fat and that do NOT spike my insulin levels, such as eggs, bacon, greens (like collards, spinach, lettuce and so on), mayo, avocado, salmon, Bulletproof coffee, broth with butter and spices, and a number of other tasty things. I especially liked making hard boiled eggs (which I have down to a science by now with super easy peel shells, and put into the fridge), quartering 2 of them, adding my homemade mayo to them and S&P, and chowing down. (It tastes like deviled eggs, but is quicker.) Then I drink lots of water, and hunger goes away for many, many hours (due to the high fat content). Then I get busy doing something else. That's how this works. I ignore the occasional pang, but if it gets to be enough to thoroughly distract me from whatever I'm doing, I will eat something yummy from the fat fast sheet, drink water, and get busy with something other than FOOD, ignoring the recommended 6-10 "small" meals per day that other diets specify! (My God, how I loathe those UNINFORMED nutritionists and dieticians!! And now I'm finding that there are actual Oncology Nutritionists and Dieticians that my Nurse Navigator has threatened to sic on me! GOOD GRIEF, NOOOO!!!)

The FASTING results? (BTW, this 7-day-long fast was the longest that I've ever been on!! I'm more of a 20-24 hrs. fast kind of girl, like an OMAD or One Meal A Day.) It was truly eye-opening!! After a while, I could WALK to the kitchen WITHOUT stopping, holding on to the wall while I gasped for breath, feeling like my legs weighed a TON, not being able to stand for any length of time without needing to sit and catch my breath!! That is AMAZING to me!! And not much of a sacrifice to do considering the long list of foods allowed to me. I was never "hungry". I only had to keep my mind busy on other things. Not bad for the outcome of intensely improved mobility coupled with heavenly pain reduction! My thoughts were crystal clear, too, absolutely razor-sharp, and little to no lower back pain while standing, too. HALLELUJAH!! Gimme MORE of those effects, please!!

But what was going on behind all this was the contradictory and confusing "information" being gathered almost addictively by me re: my bc while at my computer. I was being led by intense fear and a driving need to understand all of this that has been suddenly dumped on me, but with NO ANSWERS (as I said yesterday). This is real crazy making stuff! FULL of contradictions!! Let's take soy, for one small example: one "expert" source says it's nearly deadly, will bring the cancer back (recurrence) - and the next "expert" source says quite the opposite, that it's not only ok, but is actually helpful. So what do I do about SOY? Soy beans, soy oil (which is why I make my own mayo)! Soy is in so many of our foods. It's on the label!! Every salad dressing, including mayo, even PAM cooking oil spray is loaded with soy. The often touted health food TOFU is nothing but soy! I avoid it as much as possible, but it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE to do. The same goes for CITRUS and many other foods that I do enjoy. One says one thing, and another says quite the opposite. And on it goes. The only thing that the "experts" agree on are (BLESSEDLY!! ) the BRASSICAS: broccoli (and its many varieties, like broccoli rabe), cauliflower, cabbage (all colors, all types, including bok choi and other Chinese variables), Brussels sprouts, and my beloved COLLARDS! All of those are firmly OKAY! ♥

The reason that I'm so interested in all of this is because I wish to eat an "estrogen decreasing" diet. My bc is "fed" with estrogen and progesterone. I'm positive ER and PR 100%. If I eat foods that reduce the estrogen in my postmenopausal body even further (which is what the hormone therapy and those pills with all the side effects is all about), I'll be better off. BUT I CAN'T GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER THERE, EITHER. I cannot tell you how frustrating this is.

So...I'm already stressed out to the MAX with all the contradictions, I WALK (effortlessly! ) to my kitchen to fix a nice egg salad with mayo, fresh baby spinach, lettuce, crispy bacon, and a dash of dry Hidden Valley Ranch powder...and ANTS are crawling all over my cluttered sideboard!!! My only thoughts were, "What's NEXT??!!! AARRGGHH!!" ) AND SO...to avoid any more ant trauma, I fixed myself a HUGE bowl of microwaved buttered popcorn, grabbed a banana (high carb and not as good a choice as an apple or orange), and ate them to my head! Then I got super sleepy and fell asleep in my chair. That's the insulin resistance rearing its ugly head. But I decided to just go to bed, which was a really good idea. However, when I woke up 7 hours later, I felt "still full" and almost sick. So now I'm back to fasting again...and those ants will be dealt with as soon as I go to the kitchen again!! I HATE ANTS - and I just don't need the added stress right now!!!

I've also decided to just "go along to get along". The trouble is that that is a trigger for me since I always had to behave that way with MD. Many of the victimizing actions I had to take to survive with MD are maddeningly similar to how I have to behave with these "angels of mercy" involved in treating my bc. But whatever it takes. It is invasive bc and I cannot do this myself. So I HAVE TO trust, I HAVE TO go along to get along. I do not like it, but what's the alternative? Autistic or not. A lifelong victim of outrageous parental abuse or not. It doesn't matter. I need to do the best with what I have available to me, and that is to allow myself to be put into the hands available to me and PRAY that they follow their very first pledge as doctors: FIRST, DO NO HARM! And I, even I, as a not too religious person, AM PRAYING!! But because of what I've learned to do on this wonderful, empowering website, I'm letting it go, too, and trying mightily to trust!!

And I've changed my focus from BC BC BC videos and websites all the darned time and switched over to how to clean/unclutter/organize my house, how to prep for the uncertain times ahead, low carb/keto recipes, journaling on here, and the like...and lots and lots of prayer. One happy circumstance: my pups are out of their "season" now and are laying at my feet tonight as I write this. They are such a comfort to me. VERY protective, too!! I'd hate to be the burglar that tried to come in here and hurt me! They truly adore me, and I them. They're growing out of the agitated puppy stage (thank God!!) and are just happily sleeping ATM. I miss Spot, but these good girls are a blessing, too.

I think I'll go get working on transplanting my last collard tree, patiently waiting in my hobby room sink, losing a leaf every so often...pathetically. Also my 2 peppers, raised from seed, still sitting there waiting for me. And my hummers need a fresh food supply, too. I'm 13 hrs. into this new fast already, and we have a heat wave coming this weekend of temps up to 104ºF! LORDY! I need to get my poor garden ready for that by working out there in the morning! Move my tree collards (the estrogen-reducing ones!♥♥♥) off the table out in the hot, HOT sun and into the semi-shaded area or lose them to the intense heat. So hi-ho, hi-ho! It's off to work (in the hobby room) I go (at midnight! ) - and then to the ants!! DS, a security guard, is working today/tonight until 10am on Sunday (from Sat. 3pm-11pm at a big party, 1 hour to drive to the next place with no sleep, and then midnight-10am closer to home! ), but now at least I have my dogs with me - and for once they're being SO GOOD!! ♥♥♥ DS will be "drop his pants in the hallway and fall into bed" tired when he gets in, bless him. Not much help from him tomorrow, but that's ok and totally understandable. I still have plenty of things to occupy my time.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

...SO I'll turn to you all once again in my hour of need. I just had a very bad scare and a very understandable emotional meltdown.

I RELY on DS. Maybe too much, but he relies on me, too, so I figure that that's about even. I know how he feels: "I just went to my D&D game." Sheesh, Mom! But before he left (or possibly after), he texted me, who was sleeping at the time, that we needed to discuss our voting preferences. I woke up at 9pm, groggily texted him that I needed to wake up first, and set out to prepare my room. I'd been doing some SERIOUS sorting and shredding papers before exhaustion hit me, so I laid down and ZONKED. (Retirement is wonderful!) I moved boxes out of the way and on to my bed, readying them for sorting, too, let the dogs in, and called to DS that I was ready. No answer. I checked his room. EVERYTHING (his computer, his TV, all of it that is usually on and running a game of some sort) was turned OFF (very odd!)!! So I came back to my room with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and checked my RING doorbell camera...NO CAR, either!

Now I'm starting to PANIC (which I'm prone to). He does not do this to me. He knows that all he has to do is notify me with a text and I'm ok with it, and he faithfully does that. I know that there CAN BE a D&D game on Sunday NIGHTS, but not always, and he texted me at 6pm and the game starts around 2-3pm! So where is he? So I texted him...and NO ANSWER! I waited, but finally made the phone call to his cellphone to see what was going on...and got a recording!!

And now I began to cry. What was going on??!! He IS my bc support! I am already on the brink emotionally and mentally, trying to face this scourge like a brave little soldier, but I cannot do this ALONE!! It's too much!! Blessedly, he finally texted me that he was indeed at D&D, but not until I had bawled my eyes out. I don't mind if he goes to D&D. In fact, I encourage it. But what I'm really facing is my own mortality and a DEEP SEATED FEAR OF ABANDONMENT in my time of need. Thanks, MD, for that one!

And let me not forget the Curse of DH#1 as he left our garage for the last time just after the divorce: "I CURSE YOU! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANYONE AND WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE!!" That curse has worked out actually. He said nothing about being successful or even unsuccessful, but just alone and that no one would ever love me. And it played into the fears of abandonment that HAUNTED MD's entire life. I thought that I had escaped them, but apparently, as I deal with all the common fears and terrors of having invasive breast cancer (and they are many, believe you me!) they are coming back to haunt me if DS even makes a move that's unusual for him. I need to just 'journal' this and LET IT GO!! But I need to FACE IT here (sorry about that ) and deal with it or else I'm going to run my DS off. I can feel scared, but just not clingy.

Wow. Dealing with bc AND feelings of abandonment AND a yearning for unconditional love. The AUTISM that we all have to some extent in my family is called PDD-NOS. That means that it's so odd that they can't even pigeon-hole us with other autistics. We are social misfits, that's what it means. We are very verbal, but shy away from crowds and such, and we seem "odd" to others.

DS just texted me that he's on his way back. I need to talk to him...(autistic to autistic )...and not just about voting, but also about my apparent emotionalism at this trying time for me. I do believe that he'll understand, or at least I HOPE that he will. He's a pretty good kid, that one!

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE!!!!

Honeybera

[Progress]

Aw honeybera, you have such a weight on your shoulders with the bc and abandonment issues, and everything else!

I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. Just overwhelming!

I hope everything get easier soon. I know you are looking for answers on the bc issues, and that’s going to take its own sweet time. How frustrating!

Enjoy those fun little pups. They seem to bring you lots of joy!

Progress

[honeybera]

♥♥♥ OH MY DEAR SWEET PROGRESS!!! ♥♥♥
SO SO SO GOOD to hear from you! I needed to hear every word you said!!

Aw honeybera, you have such a weight on your shoulders with the bc and abandonment issues, and everything else!

I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. Just overwhelming!

Whew! Nail on the head right now!! I was going to start this post with "I NEED TO WRITE!!" (on here and to my friends that truly count)! Today is the Monday of the Week of Horrors before my surgery a week from Wed. 6/15. This week will be phone calls galore as my ''team" begins to get things set up for next week, followed with a follow up f2f meeting for "blood work" (oh goody!) and with the anesthesiologist (GULP!! ) who will be balancing me during surgery between oblivion and awareness. Horror stories of failures to meet that balance are surging through my mind and I can't shut them up. I've only been "under" once in my lifetime and they almost couldn't wake me up! Scares me now. I even had convulsions and seizures that I could not control when they tried their darnedest to wake me up. This was during my C-section with DS 35 yrs. ago. So I'll definitely let that person know...BIG TIME!!

As I said before, I am not in control of this careening mine-cart flying at high speed under the Gringotts Wizarding Bank (yes, a BIG Harry Potter fan ), but that's just what it feels like! So I decided to just go with the flow, put myself in these peoples VERY EXPERIENCED hands, and do whatever they need to do to get rid of this invasive cancer! It has been caught early and hasn't spread "too much or too far", so now's the time, no two ways about it. Put on my big girl's pants and forge ahead. Right??

And then I made a BIG BIG BIG mistake!! I read from the discussion board over on American Cancer Society. Discussion topic? Blackheads, LOTS of them, covering the breast after surgery and then radiation. BLACKHEADS??!! OMG!!!!!! I should have known better. I keep thinking, "OMG, folks! FIRST DO NO HARM!" I have NO pain (yet), NO lumps, NO NOTHING!! Why do you want to RUIN me?? Why cause me to go through so much physical and EMOTIONAL agony?? Is this all really NECESSARY??

And then I began to cry...and cry...AND CRY!!! I could NOT stop crying!! So I decided to go to sleep. And I did. And then I was awakened TWICE (by what I don't even remember), and every time I was awake, I dissolved in tears all over again, ABSOLUTELY SOBBING! I tried to reach someone, ANYONE, by phone who could talk to me and maybe reassure me into trusting obedience again (that dreaded, but necessary state), but all I got were answering machines or someone wanting to know what kind of pamphlet information for bc that I wanted! OMG!!

So then I decided to cheer myself up! I went into the front room ( ) and began to cut up empty cardboard boxes...and then emptying full ones and seeing just what had arrived and what hadn't yet. And then I started to organize things. That front room WAS on the brink of becoming true hoarding! Yesterday I explained this to DS just how this can get away from us with a quickness! We keep piling this crap up...and up and UP!!! Very soon my cleaning limitations will be impaired due to the surgery, for how much and for how long I do not know. "WE WON'T KNOW UNTIL AFTER THE SURGERY!" Yeah, yeah. This proclamation is one of the big reasons for my river of tears that I am crying!

But I had quit crying for right now and was really making headway, but realized that all this "stuff" needed a place to GO. I went into my hall pantry and began to get rid of expired food items. I need new glasses, especially for close up, so it was slow going, but I did get a lot done. However, what is 'expired' and what is not? DS says (from his room while playing video games) anything 2019 or older is OUT. I'm thinking maybe. DS is a bigger hoarder than me (by far), but I REALLY need the shelf space.

So THEN I went in to the hobby room, turned on the lights and fan, emptied the overflowing little trash into the big can, and opened a cabinet door with LOTS of food behind it (most of it expired)...but also two large bags of the OLD laundry soap for our OLD washer and not the nice new He one. Get rid of that unusable SOAP and move the large jar of whey protein next to it (for keto recipes) into the kitchen and it gives me an entire shelf!! I can fill it with canned soup that's still in grocery bags all over my kitchen floor and also now in the front room! But that shelf sits on these weak little shelf supports. I want some METAL shelf supports and DS is making excuses why he can't do that.

Hmm. I think I need a handyman "YESTERDAY"!!!!

And then it began to dawn on me (and I mean like an epiphany!): I need to LET GO of what I DON'T NEED! And I need to have some HELP to fix whatever I can't!! And all of the "mess" on my sideboards and on my kitchen floor and even on the table is all of my CURRENT stuff!!!!!!!!! So it SHOULD be "out with the bad, put away the good"!

I was also amazed that SO MUCH of this is left for ME to do!! All of the yard, ALL of the sorting out and organizing, ALL of the financial stuff (paying bills, etc.), yet DS feels that HE is forced to do WAY too much around here. He is used to me doing the lion's share of it, but as I moved from task to task to task tonight, sizing it all up, I am FULLY UNDERSTANDING the OVERWHELMINGNESS OF IT ALL!!!!!!! It is daunting!!!!!

I just looked up the word 'daunting': intimidatingly impressive. That made me laugh because that's just what it is that I was trying to say. I wonder just how much I am inadvertently using the scale of MD to judge what a "clean house" is. That woman was maniacal about what that meant! When my father got housekeeping as a disabled veteran's benefit, she literally cleaned her house thoroughly before the housekeepers got there so they wouldn't think she was a slob. When my father would set his cup down at breakfast while he read the paper, if he wasn't careful she would swoop silently in and snag his cup, wash it, and put it into the dishwasher (yes, in that order - she washed them twice) before he even realized it. He'd go to take a sip and his cup had disappeared! She made us ALL uncomfortable like that!

I'm also coming to realize that I can run into mental "blocks" of one kind or another, like using the yeast in bread baking...or my current one, opening up a HUGE 30 lb bag of worm castings (aka fertilizer, sitting next to the sink in the hobby room) and mixing it in to my potting soil. I used to have one that was only a few lbs. so I could lift it over the potting soil and pour it in, but I can't lift this one, so I have STOPPED DEAD IN MY TRACKS! I do this sometimes. But my poor little plants are suffering because of it. And I can almost HEAR the time ticking away. We have a heat wave approaching relentlessly (Friday 105ºF ) and I need to get this done so they have at least a couple of days to adjust!!

OH! and I figured out what to do with that 4' round table outside! I'm moving my Black and Blue salvias (my hummer's favorites!) still nearby and over to where they're still under the shade a bit, move my table right up near the birdbath (semi-shade), put all my newly potted plants on the table, and open up the little bird (seed) feeder again! I can not only have the welcome company of my little birds again, but my hummers, too, and I can SEE the new plants growing right outside of my WOW (ALL hummingbird attracting plants!!), allowing me the "gentle reminder" of the often daily need for water in the summers around here. I can even dampen the ground under the table so the dogs can lay underneath on cool ground in the hot afternoons. I also got TWO timers that go on my hose bibs so I can turn on the water for irrigation of my trees without the risk of forgetting about it and flooding out the neighbor's yards. (I am guilty of doing that occasionally. )

I hope everything get easier soon. I know you are looking for answers on the bc issues, and that’s going to take its own sweet time. How frustrating!

It is frustrating, but it is also getting easier. I've given up looking for answers, and we know what any answer would be: AFTER the surgery. So why bother? I just need to stay busy on my house and stay off the discussion boards in the meantime. The answers there only tend to upset me.

Enjoy those fun little pups. They seem to bring you lots of joy!

Oh boy, howdy!!! My crazy girls!! I am so glad that I got them! And as they age, they tend to get more mild and even tempered, although I'd still hate to be a rat out in the yard! So far, they HATE the shredder and the vacuum cleaner...and I do mean HATE!! But they are slowly coming to accept the birds out there (they're not "flying mice" ) which is why I'm about to attempt invigorating the bird seed feeder for my little birds again. This would have not been possible a few months ago. We'll see how possible it is now. My little birds make me happy to watch, too.

This is soooo long, so I believe that I'll just end this one. Will be back later. Progress, thanks so much for saying hi when you did. You can't know just how much I needed to hear what you had to say!

Honeybera

[Oceantide]

Honeybera, It all sounds very overwhelming. You're navigating a lot right now. I'm glad that the cleaning and organizing helped you feel better. I like your motto of "out with the bad, put away the good"! It will help me as I tackle my overflowing closets and cupboards... Sending gentle thoughts of rest and peace your way!

[honeybera]

Honeybera, It all sounds very overwhelming. You're navigating a lot right now. I'm glad that the cleaning and organizing helped you feel better. I like your motto of "out with the bad, put away the good"! It will help me as I tackle my overflowing closets and cupboards... Sending gentle thoughts of rest and peace your way!

♥♥ Hi there Oceantide!!! ♥♥

God must know when I really need to hear from you guys and let's you know the messages to send that will empower me the most!! I sat down here tonight to take a break from all the walking around the house, and the moving, moving, moving!! I'm beginning to get more used to it. I have allowed myself to get WAY WAY WAY too sedentary!! But now it's improving significantly!

It's funny - the more I do, the more I SEE to do AND, more importantly, HOW to do it!! I just learned that eating blueberries and especially almonds will slow the growth of any cancer, but especially breast cancer and especially if it's fed by estrogen like mine is, so that was a flash out of the blue (no pun intended). What do I use to make my delicious Keto Blueberry Muffin treats? I literally CHEERED when I read that because I make them with almond flour and frozen blueberries!! And they're only like 2-3 net carbs each muffin! In a regular muffin made with flour and sugar, the net carb count (carbs - fiber = net carbs) is a whopping 63gms! This would get my insulin pumping like crazy! But doing it keto style, I get to combat my bc, have a delicious homemade blueberry muffin, AND keep my insulin nice and low (another weapon against bc - I don't want that insulin to get too high, that's for sure).

And then I stopped cheering: my sideboard is so packed with "things" (canned food, spices, even my oxygen absorbers for my buckets and Mylar bags and lids, various oils, salts [of many varieties, Himalayan, kosher, iodized, smoked]), small appliances, including two bread makers (got to find a good out-of-the-way home for those!!) - let's just say the sideboard is PACKED. Not dirty, just super FULL! I was down to using an area of about 1½ ft. to do all my cooking now. RIDICULOUS!! And I can't even use my low carb cookbook with all my favorite recipes in it (I assembled it over the years with my favorite recipes; I didn't purchase it.) because the sideboard's just too cluttered with newly acquired groceries blocking it in front! Not put away yet due to nowhere to put them! So obviously no blueberry muffins for me -- UNTIL I get that sideboard cleared off and all the groceries put away!

BUT FIRST (and isn't there always a "first"?!), I needed to get back into the HUGE walk-in Hall Pantry (I think it was supposedly built to provide space for linens and things, but all my linens are going to be going into 70 gallon clear plastic bins [already got 14 of them from ♥Home Depot♥] and out into the garage and onto the shelves that DS and I need to clear off...uh, first??) This is what I meant about this being overwhelming to do by myself. I was told today that I'll be unable to use my left side, arm, shoulder, etc. for about 2 months so I can heal nicely from the surgery. Even worse, I'll be PHYSICALLY ABLE do this or that, but should NOT. That's going to make me crazy!

I actually have begun to address the expired items on the shelves in the hall pantry by tossing the old stuff OUT. I had to remind myself firmly that IF I had to throw out say "canned tomatoes from 2018", so be it! I CAN ALWAYS BUY SOME MORE IF I NEED TO! IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD! I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO DO SO!! And instantly I hear the rebuttal screaming from the back of my mind, "But what IF...???" I need to wrestle with that girl! Shut her up!! Who is that anyway and where did she come from??

So I had already cleared off one of the shelves in there (and there are many remaining that need attention!), and I was standing in the kitchen contemplating my lack of and burning desire for some homemade Keto Blueberry Muffins that take more sideboard space than 1½ feet to unblock my recipe book, get out my bowls and ingredients (I make it from scratch and not from a boxed mix), and mix it up!! I picked up one item blocking my displayed recipe book that has my basic muffin recipe in it...and moved the item away, unblocking my cookbook a little bit. Then I picked up another item and moved it! Then I gathered up all that my arms would carry and put these nice, fresh, usable items with distant expiration dates into the hall pantry on the shelf available, not wishing to mix up the new stuff with the expired stuff. (So logical! - DUH.) It felt like unraveling a sweater by pulling on one strand of yarn! I was on a roll!!!!!!

I NOW have about 6 ft. of uninterrupted sideboard on which I can make my muffins!!!!! I AM SOOOO PROUD OF MYSELF!! It was all about just walking back and forth, repeating silently to myself: "out with the old, and create a new home for the current stuff". "Do I REALLY need this unopened salad dressing from 2012?" <DUMP!!> And at this time I can walk, i.e., I AM ABLE TO WALK! (What a blessing!!) And exercise is one of the things that is ALWAYS recommended for me to cure EVERYTHING! And the more I do it, the easier it gets to do. I just need to continue to be good to myself like this.

I need to say here, though, that this is a BIG BIG job!!!!!!!! Garage, kitchen, front room, all the closets, storage room...BUT BUT BUT it can be done! I have never actually moved into my beautiful home by unpacking from that initial, chaotic move, not in 20 yrs. I bought this house in desperation for my then 14 yr. old son to have a place to live, but I was still working and never had actual time to unpack. I bought where I could afford to buy. I had to travel 30 min. by freeway just to get a look at a similar floor plan since my house hadn't been built yet (giving me the opportunity to select options in the floor plan) AND they had no model homes available to show me that floor plan. I fell in love with it instantly and bought the home, my new home, by calling the sales person back and saying, "I'll take it!" I was waiting for the second shoe to drop, waiting to hear that I was disqualified in some way, but that never happened, and the purchase just sailed through. ♥ ♥ I have gained a TON of equity in these last 20 yrs. and my house has more than tripled in value. What a wonderful and lucrative investment it has been!

I like to say that I never went underwater, not even in the depths of the Great Recession of 2008 (I came REALLY close, though, within a couple of hundred dollars), but we didn't refinance our house to "get money", either, nor did we have an Escalade parked in our driveway. We easily could have done so since borrowed money was so readily available, but we are the last of the original owners who bought here on my street. We watched them go one by one as they lost their homes or sold them for cheap. And now I've paid mine off...10 yrs. early and on a pension. Who's the weirdo now? No Escalade, but a Release of Lien in my hot little hand. From Welfare recipient to homeowner. What a ride!! Those Escalades that all these people, my former neighbors, just had to have and then tied them to their home's debt foolishly, aren't worth much anymore and decline in value more with each passing year while my property, my home, my shelter, appreciates, and then appreciates some more. Housing bubble? Whatever. Let it fall. It will rally again. It always has. I'll be ok.

These are the thoughts that sustain me, that are getting me through these tough times I'm having. What if I lived in former times? The treatment for all cancers has improved fantastically even within the past 10 yrs. So much research is going on and so much has been learned about this dread disease that was never dreamed of before. I have excellent health insurance and can happily pay for the co-pays that come up periodically. My oncology "team" is top rate, too, and extremely experienced. Am I still worried? Sure, I am. But I have a house to clean, so many things to occupy my time, birds to watch, plants to water, and a life to live, darn it!! I'll not go gentle into that good night!! Not me. Not me. And my first real battle begins next week. My big girl panties are ON. Here we go...

Honeybera

[honeybera]

11:30am Thursday
Whew!! So much work!!! Right now I'm going to go see if I can move my Black and Blue salvias over about 5' so I can move my table into the semi-shaded area, giving my collards a fighting chance in the 105ºF H-E-A-T that's coming tomorrow. Trouble is I'm not too sure that I can do that by myself. After my surgery, I KNOW I won't be able to do that!

=======================(12:20pm)

DS TO THE RESCUE! It's all done! What was super easy for him, I'd still be struggling with! But it is DONE!! Not "tomorrow". TODAY!! YAY!! Moving the hummer's favorite plants was disconcerting for them and the dogs, but I turned the hose on underneath the table so the ground would be damp and cooler for the dogs this afternoon and onward towards the REAL heat that's just around the corner. I also uncovered the bird seed feeder (aka a very large dry bird bath filled with bird seed) and I can't wait until the little birds and the mourning doves (aka the Dumb Doves since they periodically fly right into my one way mirrored WOW) and the occasional Blue Jay grace my feeder again. The way I have it all set up the birds can eat and drink and I can watch them with a full view without them even knowing how near I am. It's great, and I'm so glad that we set this up "before" my surgery and recovery from it. I can sit at my computer or watch TV and see the show that they inadvertently put on.

I was puttering all morning long on my hall pantry/kitchen transfer of items. I made amazing progress! DS really helped with the big heavy stuff (lifting) and the bending down stuff, but I did the rest. I have cleared my kitchen floor of un-put-away groceries and am now finding them homes in the many shelves that line my walk-in hall pantry. I am also beginning to fill up those clear plastic 70 gallon bins I got at Home Depot for garage storage. I do not need to have Ziploc bags cluttering up my hall pantry; they can be stored out in the garage in a sealed bin with a lid. Same with plastic containers of all kinds. OUT THEY GO! And I don't need Press N' Seal in the house, either, nor towels, sheets, blankets, or pillows, so I'm putting them into bins, too. The high heat out there won't bother any of these things, but we aren't ready for actually storing them out there quite yet: old leftover rat poop needs a thorough clean up first. BUT I CAN at least get this stuff binned up and stacked and put in the hallway to my room, no problem! It's out of the way, easily accessed if necessary, and ready for those cleaned up shelves in the garage once they're ready. In the meantime, I can clear out my kitchen and hall pantry and organize a LOT of my stuff for garage storage. I'm finishing putting away my soups today in the hall pantry and making some blueberry muffins and clearing out a cardboard box of clean towels that's in the Hobby Room into a bin and stacked neatly in the hallway, ready to go.

Plus I'm potting 4 plants today (and getting over the worm casting mental block): two sweet/bell peppers (Horizon and Ozark Giant, I believe), my currently thriving Bay Laurel 'tree' (like about a robust 8" high, but used to be only about 4" and sickly looking), and my remaining Purple Collard Tree. It has been steadily losing leaves, one by one, but is still struggling to live in my hobby room sink. I've got to get on the ball with that!

In 25 minutes, I'm getting a phone call from my bc 'team'. I don't know who's actually calling nor do I know what they want of me. Tomorrow I have to go in for my pre-administer something or other and I know that they'll want my blood (at minimum) and they'll introduce me to the anesthesiologist (always nice to know). DS will be with me. He's sitting in on this phone call today as well. I just thought it would be nice (and calming) to pop in here and let you all know what's happening, and it was. I'm trying to stay positive.

=================(7pm)

Got the call. Scared again. These people are just frightening. I meet AN anesthesiologist tomorrow afternoon, but not MY anesthesiologist for my surgery. Good lord! I now find out that whoever is going to put me under will be met just before my surgery. "Don't worry. You'll get to meet them before surgery." Oh hell, well, that should satisfy me, right? I'm doing my best to not be scared out of my mind, but it's not easy. I do NOT have unconditional TRUST in my bc team. AT ALL! If I didn't have invasive bc creeping in my breast tissue, I'd run like hell!!! If I call the American Cancer Society, they'll either offer me MORE PAMPHLETS OR a bc survivor will tell me one thing and then later flip the switch and bemoan their own negative experiences. Not a good idea for me to "reach out". It "smells" like the game MD used to love to play with me: Here, Birdy, Birdy. "Just come here and do what we tell you. We won't hurt you. Just sit here and behave. C'mon now. It's ok. Just come a little closer. Drop your guard just a little more. That's it..." and then BLAM-O!! GOTCHA!! SURPRISE!! "We injured you, but what can YOU do about it NOW?" But what's my alternative? I can't run. I can't. I so wish I could. But I can't.

Going to go get some sleep. I wish they'd just leave me alone, and I can't wait until all of this is "over". Of course, it won't be "over" just because of the surgery - in fact, it's only the beginning of 5-10 yrs. of some unknown other "treatments" to be decided AFTER the surgery by some unknown Oncologist, and not one minute before. <heavy sigh!> Off to bed.

Honeybera