Letting go

[honeybera]

Wowee! I may have bitten off more than I can chew with this "prepping" thing! OMG! There is SO much to learn!! How big? How much? What to buy now? How to set it all up? I now know that I am going to have to get our electrician out here to install a "dedicated 20 AMP circuit"...if it's even possible. I don't know how much that will cost, but without it and just running the freeze dryer without a "dedicated circuit" could cause an electrical fire. I already called him and am awaiting his call back.

I'm amazed at how much I have done right already (Excalibur dehydrator, FoodSaver(s), fruit trees and my garden, and so on), but there's so much NEW info flying out of my monitor at me via a myriad of youtube videos regarding all of this that I'm getting a headache! Clear back in the beginning of the pandemic, I bought enough pinto beans and rice (among other things) to sustain us for at least a year, but they're just sitting out and are NOT in the proper containers. I have the containers and the lids and even Mylar bags, but that rolltop desk is sitting in the way, along with two tall chests of drawers and some boxes stacked in there, too, plus the closet. I can't do it. DS is going to HAVE TO help me. We'll see if that happens. "Time's a-wastin'!"

DB has a well for water and said I could have water from the ranch if necessary. I've had empty 5 gallon bottles for water for the last 20 yrs. stored away and now have a stand and all sorts of other "water storage" things. He also grows almonds. Most convenient! I now know how to "blanch" almonds for a nice smooth almond flour. Give me a large bag of almonds (he gives them away; they're actually a sample used to test the quality of his crop and then they give them back to him) and I'll give you back almond milk, almond flour, and some almond butter. Add a batch or two of choc. chip cookies made with almond flour and I think we'll have a definite barter system going. I also have fruit from my trees and veggies, too.

I just put out my SunGold tomatoes to "harden off" today for a couple of hours. I'll do it tomorrow, too. They actually look stronger already. Tomorrow is also for transplanting the squash (zucchini, Smooth Criminal, crookneck) to larger pots and the same for the still tiny peppers (Horizon, Midnight Dreams, and Ozark Giant). I'm also moving the Collard "Trees" out to the backyard; they're not much of a tree yet, but I'm hopeful. It's supposed to rain tomorrow and they should like that. I just need to secure my plants from my wild Rat Terriers. They love to dig! But I have those wonderful cloches to cover them up with and/or place some smooth river rocks/cobblestones on top of the soil for moisture control and Rattie avoidance. Even they can't dig through rock!

One big thrill today: I have uncovered the bird feeders for the last several days and the birds (seed eaters and the hummers) have come back. About a year ago, when the pups were just little super yappy puppies, the birds weren't allowed by them to be even in the yard, not even on the fence! YAP, YAP, YAP!!! So I shut the seed feeders down and the dog's yapping caused the hummers to leave town, too. SO SAD! But now that they're older, there's no more yapping at the birds!! YAY!!! Maybe a slight charge and jump at the bird seed feeder on occasion, but otherwise it's just silence out there. The birds also have learned to sit on the fence or roofs to wait for the pups to be looking the other way or paying attention to something else as they patrol the entire yard, and then I watch the birds swoop down and quickly grab a bite to eat. (It's actually quite hilarious to watch!) I'm so happy that my birds are back!

Off to bed now. Lots to do in the AM.

Honeybera
=========================(Sunday afternoon)

Just saw a hummer at the feeder: GORGEOUS jet black tiny hummer with BRIGHT RED throat glinting in the waning sunlight!! What a treat to see!

[honeybera]

Tough day today. I did not do much. Spot is barely eating or drinking anymore. Her food dried up, so I fixed her another container of food by cutting it into tiny bites, and got her fresh water. The pups will totally welcome the old dried up Cesar filet Mignon flavor bites. Spot can barely walk to the bathroom anymore. I can't even tell DS about it. He gets upset. I realize that it's his dog, too. He even delivered her as a pup. But that leaves me COMPLETELY ALONE on a grim death watch.

And that between that and the political scene, both here and in Ukraine, is depressing me. I have eaten a ton of pizza (the real deal, not keto) for the past two days. I bought 3 pizzas and DS picked them up for us. I gave him one pizza and I ate the other 2 over 2 days (except for 2 leftover slices which DS ate unknowingly, thinking that I'd left it for him, but I had not). I feel awful after my splurge, and I guess I should thank him rather than scold him for not asking. I rarely try to solve emotional problems with food anymore (food = fuel, not emotional issues), but yesterday and today I did. I'm not perfect, not by a long shot.

I did go into the hobby room and uncover my old Food Saver sitting on the counter underneath a TON of stuff that goes out into the garage. I also have another ancient Food Saver from my welfare days (sometime in 1967-88) that I was going to donate, but maybe not now. The times they are a-changing. I need to check them both out more. I also found the wide mouth jar sealer buried in a drawer underneath the sideboard in there. It's still in its original packaging. Bought all of these things way back in 2015. I'm educating myself re: oxygen absorbers (for oxygen reduction) and silica gel packets (for moisture reduction). Each has their use. But the oxygen absorbers (OA) have to be stored in a glass mason jar (or vacuum sealed bag, but they are much more handy to use in a mason jar) and then vacuum sealed with this wide mouth mason jar device. Keeps everything nice and fresh.

I'm finding that I have been preparing for what is going on in the world and here at home (USA!!) for quite some time now. Sort of like the Generation from the Depression knew how to do so many brilliant things with so little. We are blessed! But some of these people nowadays don't know how to make a cake without Betty Crocker or dinner without Rice-A-Roni! They think that that is "cooking". I have been privileged to learn how to make my own bread and to make my homemade mayonnaise, both without sugar and my mayo without soybean oil (nasty stuff that's in all commercial mayo and salad dressing). It takes me less than 5 min. to make it. I'm also getting some quality maple syrup extract and making my own sugar free maple syrup. I can make pancakes and waffles without "pancake mix" (from scratch) and even "chaffles" (cheese waffles). I have been practicing how to make Chicken and Rice (Cauliflower or regular or even brown) in my Instant Pot and I already make my own soups. I can either freeze those cubes of soup OR freeze dry them, powder them, and store them in Mylar bags or mason jars with an OA. They'll last for 20-30 yrs. if they last that long before we eat them. Biscuits are simple to make, as is unleavened bread (tortillas, naan, chapati, and so on), and beans can be made in a ton of different ways, as can pasta. All these are really high carb, but I know how to make them tasty! I'm also about to buy a 50lb. bag of (I swear I'm not making this up!) VOGEL MAGIC MUSHROOM POPCORN. It makes "mushroom style popcorn" (kind of a smoother and more rounded popcorn) which is perfect to drizzle with sugar free caramel and toss. Picture Cracker Jack. Now that's a treat I can have and that won't affect my blood sugars! Put into a ½ gallon mason jar, vacuum seal it, and use it up ASAP. (No worries there!)

And the internet has HUGE lists of recipe videos on how to make things that will freeze dry nicely. One guy even compares his homemade freeze dried meals to Mountain House (a commercially prepared product) with his version always coming out better and cheaper. Another thing is beef, chicken, ground turkey, ham - to go with all the rest. And how to long term store even milk and eggs. The problem for me is that FAT (75% of my diet ATM) is NOT freeze dryer friendly!! However, rice and beans do make a complete protein, just like eating meat, and bacon freezes, so we'll be ok. And we have Spam, too. YUM. I don't even need the freeze dryer for that. And when I DO make bacon, I will save every drop of bacon fat to flavor my beans. Like I said, ideas from the Depression. I'm actually glad that I had that stint of abject poverty and had to feed my growing kids back in the day.

I did not call the electrician today for the needed DEDICATED 20 AMP CIRCUIT, but I will first thing tomorrow. I looked up how expensive it will be to get over that hump and was surprised that it wasn't that bad! And once it's done, we can begin to freeze dry everything! (Except fatty things.) Everything needs to be AT LEAST 10% D-R-Y!! Not just dehydrated (like the Excalibur dehydrator) which does about 12% or more and will last several years, but not long term. And not just vac-sealed in a mason jar or Mylar bag. But freeze drying + an OA does the trick! It gets it down to UNDER 10% on the works, even complete meals! Nice and dry and crisp. Now that can be saved for the long term! And the OAs will actually kill anything alive (even invisible eggs and bacteria) that manages to slip in. Everything needs oxygen to live, right? But moisture is water, and that's why the 10% DRY rule. However, if there is water...um, I'm getting too complicated. Sorry.

And then there's the rehydrating. Changing it back into food again. My goodness, there is just SO MUCH to learn!! But we'll be fine.

Tomorrow is calling the electrician to get this show on the road. Possibly (probably) washing out one of my new 5 gallon food grade buckets and filling it with about 20 lbs. of pinto beans which I already have here (maybe some rice, too). Learn how to put on a Gamma lid (they twist on). Finish weedeating the front yard. (THE ENTIRE THING!) Putting my SunGold tomatoes outside to harden off. And putting the tags on the truck so we can go if we want to in the gas-guzzling truck. Got to drive it to pick up the big things (straw bales, potting soil, those big 25# and 50# bags of whatever, and so on).

OMG, it's 3:30am! That snuck up on me.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

The electrician came today and said it's going to cost about $1000 to install that dedicated 20 amp plug in our house. WHEW! When I've "blown" my money on paying off the house completely and now am down to nearly nothing (at least for several months) - no wait! My tax return isn't here yet. And I don't even need to pay my mortgage payment next month...or EVER AGAIN! Life isn't that bleak after all! And over the last few months my house appreciated nearly $30k. Amazing!

I just have to be very careful, that's all. I can pay for all the stuff I just bought for food storage on credit over the next 6 months with no interest. I figured it out: at about $300+ dollars each month, it will all be paid off in six months. I can do MUCH better than that though. And I can still put into savings a bunch of money to begin to rebuild my little nest egg again.

The only real (but enduring) sadness that hits me on a daily basis is Spot. Poor old Spot. I feel like a 24/7 Doggie Hospice. She can no longer walk. She can no longer think, either, and you can see it in her 1000-yard stare. She has been able to get up for a drink of water or a bite of food, but now she can't even do that. I have to bring her a tiny cup of water, bend down (difficult for me to do), and hold the cup while she drinks out of it. No food is enticing enough to tempt her, though. She's not long for this world.

But the pups are fine. Lively as ever. I can let them in here soon (no more Spot to bug nor can they eat her food), but the price for that is crushing. I can put down my bathroom rugs again (the pups are housebroken) and have no more heavy table blocking my shower and bath mat. (EASY ACCESS TO A CLEAN SHOWER AND BATHROOM! YAY!!!!) Spot has (or at least had) a special affinity for fouling any carpeting or throw rug in "her" area; same goes for anything paper or plastic. So, towards that end, I have been keeping both the throw rug in my bathroom safe by closing the door to my toilet area, and my bath mat safe by blocking the mat and my shower by angling the heavy 6' folding table from any doggie interference. It's been a hassle. I've been doing this since last year! Plus the using my bathroom floor as a dog pee and poop toilet. UGH. I would have to tiptoe around the puddles of pee when going to use my own toilet in the middle of the night. I finally just use the bright bathroom light to avoid stepping in them. Oftentimes I would step right into a large puddle of cold dog pee...or worse! That would wake me efficiently enough to not let me get back to sleep for hours.

But I believe that is all over. She can't even move. So it's with a real sense of deeply conflicting feelings that I sit here tonight: glad that the peeing and pooping all over the place will be gone, glad that I can put down my rugs again without fear of them being used as a toilet, glad to have my bathroom countertops available for a cup of tea or broth occasionally, and I will even shampoo my carpets once she has gone, but I'm still terribly sad at losing her. I will miss her, despite the inconveniences. I've learned how to cope with those things, like if I see a puddle (carpet or linoleum) I drop a paper towel on it immediately: it soaks up the pee, meaning when she steps in it (as she invariably does), she won't track it all over the place, and the paper towel serves as a marker for me, "Don't step there!" When she's gone, I'm cleaning that bathroom with BLEACH WATER and STEAM! I want it as clean as a whistle! Just walking across the floor on my deep burgundy throw rugs (they all match, but none have been used in over a year now), just the thought of it would be like a dream come true.

========================(Thursday)

I believe that I need more support, both in my current grief over losing Spot (although she's still here...for today) , and for the grief and adjustment that's coming, so I'm going to actively seek out a T that deals with such things. DS came in today and petted Spot. I can see just how much it upsets him. I need a professional instead of someone as close to Spot as I am. I got a list today of the virtual T's available in my area. AND I got the number of the Emotional Support Hotline when all this sadness hits me at 3am. They're available 24/7. GOOD!

I also found out that the breakfast MD gave me from VERY young (infant thru age 5), a TWO MINUTE soft boiled egg and a 4 oz. glass of prune juice, was NOT good for me!! I remember those runny, slimy eggs so well. I sort of liked the prune juice, but the eggs I had to develop a taste for because I was going to eat them or else!!

Why Soft-Cooked Eggs Are Not Safe for Kids

The USDA states that soft-cooked eggs with runny yolks are not safe for children to consume. While they really recommend that all people (both young and old) cook their eggs fully, until both the whites and yolks are completely firm, to prevent the risk of food-borne illness such as Salmonella, certain individuals — pregnant women, elderly folks, people who are sick — are at significantly greater risk.

Registered Dietitian Sally Kuzemchak of Real Mom Nutrition says, “I know runny egg yolks are trendy right now, but I’d play it safe where kids are concerned. According to the CDC, kids under the age of 5 have higher rates of Salmonella than any other age group. The risk for serious illness from Salmonella is especially high for babies because their immune systems are still developing.”

I must have had a sturdy immune system already plus the Grace of God behind me!! Talk about "isurvived"!! Was she being her diabolical self or was she just that blatantly DUMB?? She always liked to refer to herself as being "dumb like a fox". Was that what she was being?

The prune juice that was unceremoniously plunked down in that little 4 oz. glass was for the chronic constipation I suffered from as a kid clear into adulthood due to chronically high cortisol (the flight or fight hormone). She also had me take Feen-A-Mint Gum, Ex-lax (chocolate pieces), and if needs be Milk of Magnesia (nasty chalky stuff, big tablespoons full of it) - all were laxatives.

High levels of stress can cause or aggravate gastrointestinal symptoms, such as nausea, stomach pain, and changes in bowel movements, which can include constipation. Researchers have identified various connections between the brain and stomach that may lead to constipation symptoms.Nov 12, 2019

Stress and constipation: What is the link? - Medical News Today
www dot medicalnewstoday dot com

And MD's comment? That I "was such a nervous child". NO DOUBT!!!! Nightmares of someone (a monster!) chasing me and I could not run, chronic constipation, bed-wetting, biting my fingernails until they bled, the beginnings of compulsive overeating, attempted suicide at around 4 yrs. old - yeah, I was a wreck, but she MADE me that way so that she was considered "better than". Typical narcissist!

=======================(Friday 1:30am)

Spot passed away. She passed away in her sleep (as I prayed for), peacefully and without a sound. I turned around to check on her and she was just "gone". Her breathing had been heavy, but when I looked over at her, it had ceased. She was a good dog and I'll miss her so much. I still wait for her to come around the corner of the toilet area for a morning or late night pet from me (with me on the toilet). Crazy old pup! And she oftentimes sat down on her butt, just like a human being does. I miss her already. DS came in and sat with me after her passing and talked to me and it really helped. What would I do without him?

Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to make SURE that neither my bank nor the mortgage company has dropped the ball and that the money got to the right hands that are moving this "paying off the house" thing right along. Heaven help them if they've not done so because I'm simply not in the mood for any shenanigans! It still shows the money is in my account: WHY? I don't want to have to pay the mortgage company another $600.00 in interest for the month of April since I started this whole procedure clear back in early March, especially because some office girl "hit the wrong code" or some such nonsense. If they're planning to get that last drop of interest at my expense because I'm a senior citizen, they've picked the wrong mark!! I may be old, I may have just lost my beloved dog, but I'm NOT STUPID. So I'll check on the progress of my loan payoff first thing in the morning.

Then I'm going to begin cleaning my bathroom, and gathering up all the soiled throw rugs and bedding into black plastic bags to take to the laundromat by DS, and placing boiling-water-soaked paper towels onto the stubborn spots on the bathroom floor next to the Jacuzzi tub. (I had that Jacuzzi put in as they custom built the house.) Once the boiling water thing is done, I'll spray the floor with bleach water, then mop it down with plain water, and run the steamer over that. That ought to do it. And I can put back my throw rugs and take a shower by just stepping into the shower! OMG. What luxury!!

Then I'll head out in the front to finish the weedeating and put the tags on the truck so DS can take it over to Home Depot and pick up fifteen 70-gallon Sterlite clear plastic bins (with lids) to store stuff in the garage and then begin cleaning off the shelves of mystery boxes so the new stuff has a place to be stored. KEEP - DONATE - TRASH. One box after another. Lots of bleach water out there, too. LOTS OF IT!! And a fly swatter to nail anything I find in those boxes that shouldn't be there! They've been stored in a facility that had Black Widow spiders for several months while my house was being built, and then these boxes were brought to my new home, placed in a quiet place with little to no human interference, stacked in several stacks nearly to a 10' ceiling one on top of the other, and left there for over 20 yrs. untouched. Yeah, something could certainly be in them! Plenty of bleach water and a fly swatter should be enough to annihilate anything I come across...hopefully. If not, I can always scream and run away, flailing with my swatter as I run towards the back door (with the deadbolt)! If nothing else, I'm brave.

I've already got things to store in those new Sterlite bins. I can clear off the entire 2 couches in the front room by filling up about 2-3 of the new bins (with bedding, etc. already in vacuum seal bags, cluttering my front room). They've been laying on the couch for so long and I'll be placing them into the garage on cleaned off and sterilized shelves, their new permanent home. The garage is such a HUGE project, but it's got to be done if I'm ever going to be able to sort out the inside of the house. There's TONS AND TONS of storage space out there (but over 100ºF every day in the summertime), however it's a snarled mess, too! One shelf at a time then, starting with the top shelves. DS is going to have to help me with that, and the bottom shelves, too. At least enough to hand me down (or up) the boxes already there. Man, those new CLEAR plastic bins will be PERFECT for the garage! I think that DS will be both amazed and encouraged by seeing them in place. I really need his help.

I think I'm finally spent for today. I am exhausted! I miss my poor Spot, but she is no longer confused nor suffering nor super-skinny, emaciated, staggering - none of that. And for that I am grateful. But, at the risk of making myself cry again, I'll miss her standing at my WOW, wanting to go out into the sunshine and stroll around the garden tomorrow morning. I did the best I could to make her comfortable, to love her and let her know that I did by making sure she had the very best of everything, her food cut into tiny bites, her bowl always clean and full (even if it took 6 or more times a day, which it often did), water nice and fresh, and a warm, dry, safe bed (on a MyPillow dog bed!) to sleep in right next to my bed. It was really difficult sometimes, but we muddled through. It did me good to write this all out. It always does. Now to rest myself.

Honeybera

[Gurglesnap]

I am sorry about Spot, that is hard, under any circumstance. I hailed from Europe, well half of me did the other half was anchored to this place. When, we first arrived I met my paternal grandmother for the first time. She, took to me like a negatively charged dipole on a magnet, and we were instant friends. The stuff you are talking about she was an absolute force of nature in. I do not think there is anything like that she could not do. It was not out of necessity it was their way of life and she imparted as much to me as should could. I have always found it droll that people go into a fine dining restaurant and spend thousands of dollars for a meal and a bottle or two of wine. Comparing that to what should could do is like comparing an Oscar Mayer Lunchable tray to a feast, where everything is good. No, one could cook like this woman, and she made it all; no showmanship, no pretense, just the best food ever and family. I would have paid real money to see Gordon Ramsay dress her down.
I have chests full of quilts she made, my home is full of furniture my grandfather made in his woodshop, that would make furniture salesmen wince. They were nothing but 100% fully functional and required nothing, because they did it all. They had to learn how, and here each successive generation passed it down. You name it, they could do it. They worked from sunup to sundown, it is kind of amazing really. I could do most of it as well, I am just not able to any longer. I cannot make quilts, I am a guy and didn't want to learn to sew. It was one of the better spots in my life, being with them. It is good to see these arts are not completely disappearing yet. If something bad happened, people would be in real trouble now.

[coconuts]

So sorry about spot. All the comforting things your way as you process that loss.

[honeybera]

So sorry about spot. All the comforting things your way as you process that loss.

♥♥Thank you, my dear, dear coconuts!♥♥ You have no idea how much I appreciate your words. I'm glad to know that there's at least one person out there reading my stuff during this bleakness I'm feeling. I hope everything is going well with you.

Honeybera

[Watercolor]

I couldn't answer the other day but my heart went out to you very much and certainly does today., Honeybera It hurts for such a long time to lose a furry family member. I'm just so sorry and I wish you comfort and cosolation!

[Progress]

Oh honeybera I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved Spot.

[honeybera]

I am sorry about Spot, that is hard, under any circumstance.

Thanks, Gurglesnap. It is hard indeed, but not for the reasons one might think. I miss her just being there. I miss the everyday things she did (crazy old dog). I miss being careful to not run her over accidentally as I scooted around with my computer chair (for she was a sprawler periodically). I even miss the messes she made in my bathroom and on my carpet. I can now freely take a shower without moving heavy furniture around, but as I suspected, it isn't worth the price. All I could see were the inconveniences. Now I feel the loss. I guess that that's to be expected for quite some time now.

I brought Mittens in this morning for comfort and to see if she would foul my bathroom rugs (she didn't, thank heavens). We even played the "catch the tiny training treat in midair when I throw it" game. (She LOVES that game!! These are spectacular dogs.) I'll bring Boots in later in the day to see if she will foul the carpets. She is more of a scamp and will try to jump up on my bed when I'm not looking, but she's totally housebroken...I think. We'll see. I don't need to shut them up in the Dog's Yard (about 30'x30') periodically to keep them out of the Garden Area (the rest of the yard) to accommodate dear Spot when she wanted to walk around, so now they can run freely all the time and harass the hummers and other birds. (Poor birds!)

Oh wow! I brought Boots in, and now I've got about 5 birds in the seed feeder, Mittens is at the WOW (my Window on the World aka my sliding glass door) looking at the birds periodically, but NOT barking or leaping at them at all - OMG, she's not even going after the hummers!! Boots only "yowled" at me once (so far). She is our "talker" and MAJOR barker outside. This breed (Rat Terriers) have a tendency to "talk". Boots is a real talker! It's like halfway between a bark and a moan and when she craves attention (like ALL THE DARNED TIME!!!), she will open her mouth and "TALK TALK TALK"! I'm trying to teach her to just lay down and not TRY to get my attention by pawing me or clawing me or "talking" me to death. We made some good progress today! GOOD! They do learn, and quickly. They don't go after bees anymore.

Well by golly! This is totally working out!! HALLELUJAH! I gave them both a "big" treat (some nice freeze dried - AND EXPENSIVE - treats) and they are just fine. I'd like to be able to have one dog inside at night, either one will do, and one outside to prowl all night long and keep the rats away. They're already a really good deterrent for those rats, but since they "pack up" to hunt and Mittens follows Bootsy's lead (and Boots IS a barker, even after 10pm and even in the house), I haven't been able to leave them outside at night yet, and even sometimes during the day due to incessant barking (especially Boots) whenever they have spotted or smelled a rat outside. So we'll see how this works out. It's a whole new world for all of us with Spot's passing.

I also found out that "some office girl" DID drop the ball!

(written Friday morning shortly after Spot's passing)
Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to make SURE that neither my bank nor the mortgage company has dropped the ball and that the money got to the right hands that are moving this "paying off the house" thing right along. Heaven help them if they've not done so because I'm simply not in the mood for any shenanigans! It still shows the money is in my account: WHY? I don't want to have to pay the mortgage company another $600.00 in interest for the month of April since I started this whole procedure clear back in early March, especially because some office girl "hit the wrong code" or some such nonsense. If they're planning to get that last drop of interest at my expense because I'm a senior citizen, they've picked the wrong mark!! I may be old, I may have just lost my beloved dog, but I'm NOT STUPID. So I'll check on the progress of my loan payoff first thing in the morning.

I called the bank at 9am (both the bank supervisor and left a message and then the Customer Service). They have informed me that the money has NOT been sent to the mortgage company!! They were supposed to "investigate" and call me right back. But no one from the bank called me back on Friday. They just left me hanging! AND ON TOP OF THAT, when I called back today, I found out that the "wire department" DID NOT SEND the money, DID NOT CALL ME to let me know that and WHY they didn't (I still don't know), and that dept. has not even answered their phone nor their emails from the bank. WHAT??!!

So today, Saturday, they're open until 2pm. OK, so I called and spoke with Customer Service...AGAIN. This office girl checked again and told me, "Oh. There's a hold on your money." WAIT, WHAT!!?? A hold? You still have my money at your bank then? And no one has called me? I have only until March 31st to get that money to my mortgage company! The mortgage company has given me 30 days to complete the payoff amount they had specified (and I had to pay them $30 for them to give me a payoff amount!!) and now the BANK is dragging its feet!!? And the bank charged me $20.00 to send it by wire, and then didn't send it! AARRGGHH!!

But I spoke with a lady today that suggested telling an attorney about it and I really like that idea. I have to change/update my living trust anyway. If this money has not been wired on Monday TO MY MORTGAGE COMPANY, I believe that my "senior citizen law practice" attorney will be hearing about this. I'm hoping that that will grease the wheels immediately, AND RIGHTLY SO. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN WIRED IMMEDIATELY IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Even if there's a small fee to have a phone call placed to the bank by my attorney, it's better to pay that than the $600 in interest that I'm about to get stuck with if I have to pay my April mortgage payment! God, I hate to pay anyone interest!! If it does go through without the attorney, great! I'll just see the attorney to update my living trust. That's it. (I may change banks over this!!) I'm so fed up!!!

I so appreciate this forum to share whatever with all of you. I'm seeing that more and more that you are my friends. Otherwise, I have to simply internalize it and just sit with it.

===============(Monday 3/28)
LOOOONG weekend! All that time to ponder everything. UGH.

I couldn't answer the other day but my heart went out to you very much and certainly does today., Honeybera It hurts for such a long time to lose a furry family member. I'm just so sorry and I wish you comfort and consolation!

Thanks Watercolor. I really do appreciate your kind words. She was with me constantly for the last 16½ yrs., especially during the last year. I am catching myself still closing my toilet area door so she can't go in there. I look at where she "is" before moving my chair so I don't hurt her. I even found myself leaning far over to my sink to wash my hands forgetting that her food dish was no longer there. So what I've done for myself is I just allow myself to do just that, no guilt, no self-scolding. I miss my Old Girl deeply, and that's ok. If I wish to even "talk to her", I CAN. And no one, not even the Inner Critic who lives inside my head, can shame me into not doing so. And I think that that is progress.

But today is another day and a MUCH brighter one. I called the bank at 9am SHARP, but had to leave messages only, called the mortgage company (no money has been received yet) , called back the bank's customer service number and got an office girl who shared with me that my bank supervisor contact was working on my problem and would return my call "in ten minutes, no more", she assured me. This was at 9:10am. So I called my attorney in the meantime and explained matters and got an appointment (which we needed anyway) to upgrade our living trust plus advised them of the need for a possible phone call to the bank.

And then I waited for the bank supervisor to call me back. And I waited. At precisely 9:57am, the phone rang. She was SO apologetic! They would REFUND the $20 wire service fee for me (big deal) since they "hadn't given you the service that you paid for" (no kidding!) and that she'd been on VACATION and "had forgotten to tell anyone about it" and THAT'S why my messages left had gone unanswered. BUT she also said that she had sent the money off to the mortgage company this morning...and she HAD! YAY! I checked!! I also checked with the mortgage company and they said that they DID receive it and that it was "pending" until tomorrow! YIPPEE!! I felt like a HUGE BIG WEIGHT had been lifted off of me!! In this current threatening political climate, I can find many things to do with that money better than stick it into some rich mortgage lender's pocket! No $600 in interest will be paid out, no mortgage payment is due...ever again!! What a load off of my mind! (But I'm STILL calling the mortgage company back tomorrow to make SURE that it's no longer "pending", but is rather ALL PAID OFF!!!! Sheesh!!)

There are still big, fat, dark gray, pregnant clouds floating outside right now after last night's rain, and a welcome sight it is! We are in drought condition ATM! I have two healthy SunGold tomato plants just outside my WOW, all nicely ready for the outside yard. I need to get moving on all that and on so many other projects that are going on around here. I'm seeing a general shift in the improvement of things, but I am getting ready for whatever happens on the world stage and on local things, too. I just found out that tulle fabric (like what they use to make tutus and wedding dresses) is off putting to rodents of ALL kinds...like those dirty rats that love to eat the fruit off my trees before I can get to it AND all my veggies as they come up. They especially like to gnaw the RIND ONLY off the lemons, leaving a perfectly skinned lemon hanging there on the tree, rotting! So if I just drape this tulle fabric around and over my trees and peppers and even my tomatoes and squash and strawberries, when the nasty rats come and walk or attempt to climb or leap on it, it sticks on their tiny nails and they think they're being trapped and they FLEE! YAY! It supposedly works on cats, birds, and even any kind of rodent type vermin (squirrels, gophers, etc.), so I can't wait to try this. They sell it on eBay.

If there is a food shortage coming, I am getting ready. I'm getting more tree collards, green and purple, and I even need a new bay leaf plant by the looks of it. I think I left mine under the grow lights for too long and it literally crisped up the leaves, so I put two of them outside and crossed my fingers. Tree collards (when growing outside) are tough, durable, EDIBLE, and yet don't look like you could eat them. The pups have destroyed a lot of my plants and even my raised beds. Not only have they dug huge holes in them, but also they've torn up the actual (admittedly flimsy) cedar "walls" - they are slowly collapsing. But I've got my eye on those Birdie's metal raised beds and I'll fill them with half pruned scraps from my mini-orchard and the other half potting soil. It's called Hugelkultur and it acts as a compost pile and even feeds the plants from the bottom. Plus it saves a ton of money on potting soil. AND I just got a new composting bin for the backyard and a little bin for the kitchen to put my veggie scraps in. I'm more of a Flower Child now than I was in the 1970s!

But the life's lesson that I'm learning now is sort of from MD, so I'm also sort of resisting it: If you haven't used it in 3 months, OUT IT GOES. I still find that rather Draconian. But there is something to be said for making room for the NEW by releasing some of the OLD. Otherwise, the new stuff becomes clutter, the tasks get overwhelming, and I get bogged down. And that stops all progress. So now the storage room and the garage become overwhelmingly important to get ready. I'm getting those fifteen 70-gallon clear plastic Sterilite bins...to start. That will clear a TON of stuff out of the living room and onto the garage shelves. DS seems to be highly motivated in assembling the stuff that we need (my backyard wagon that fits with the liner that I've already unboxed [garage], my Hoover rug shampooer [storage room], the Teeter Hang Up [STILL in its box, but headed for the living room once assembled], and his HUGE D&D table [front room], really a large wooden dining table, brand new). Everything has a permanent home already. ♥ But we'll get the rest done...hope springs eternal.

==================(a lovely Tuesday afternoon!)

MY HOUSE IS MINE, MINE, MINE!!!!! YAY!!! I checked on the mortgage company's website...and it shows a ZERO BALANCE!! I can't tell you how good that feels!!! ♥♥♥

So I called up my DB (who is getting more "dear" every time I speak with him! Boy oh boy, did MD work hard to keep up at a distance from one another!! We have SO MUCH common ground and a history, too.), and I shared with him that I had paid off my house. He happily congratulated me. He now owns the family ranch, too, what with MD and our father long gone. He was paying them off for it. He bought it at a very reduced price from MD and Dad (he paid $600,000 for it when it was valued at $1.6 mil! ). But what he said at last after a nice, long, pleasant conversation with me just blew my mind: "I've lived over here for the last 60 yrs. or so, and I'm a farmer, so I have connections. We'll get sick of eating almonds if a food shortage occurs, but some of my friends have dairies, so we'll have meat, at least. We could share meat with you, too." And I said, "No need to eat only meat and almonds! I know what to do with those almonds to make muffins, biscuits, bread, and the like, even almond butter to spread on those baked goods plus I have all the things needed for making almond milk. And I can freeze dry that meat, as well." He liked that as well.

DB also has several of the nicest, sweetest orange trees on his property (been there for years), and he said that I was welcome to them, to help myself anytime. I have lemons and apples and peaches and apricots (and we can swap) and all my organic veggies, too. PLUS DB has well water to drink. In fact, he has TWO wells on his adjoining properties. And water may very well be scarce at some time in the future. When I bought this house in 2001, I also bought seven 5-gallon jugs for water and have stored them away in my hall pantry up on the top shelf. I could use the space in there, inside and sheltered. I recently bought (when the pandemic started) the holders for them in the garage (the one I need to straighten out), but I'm thinking perhaps the storage room would serve the purpose better. And I have a sort of "pump cap" for the jug that would be used in the kitchen (drinking water and cooking). And DB shared that we are in a very small self-sustained electric company, so no sudden loss of electricity, but towards that end, I'm buying things that are semi-modern (more modernized) but need no electricity to run, like my mortar and pestle

So I feel very blessed this afternoon. VERY BLESSED!! Who knows where this will end, both negative and positive? All of MD's scheming and conniving have been for naught! Her attempt to erase me from this family just plain hasn't worked.

==================(Midnight Thursday)

I knew it! Everything was going too smoothly. My money came in to pay the bills, for the first time EVER since I was 18 and living at home, I did not have to make a rent or mortgage payment (WOO HOO!!! ), I've ordered nearly everything I could possibly want and most of it is on its way with payments stretched out comfortably over a year's time...and now my computer crapped out on me again. It's not my computer actually, it's my internet connection. Without that, nothing happens online for me. I have a brand new (in-the-box, but rapidly aging) computer sitting in my hallway that I don't know how to set up and DS won't do that for me for some ungodly reason. I still have my TV and on that I can watch YouTube videos, but this ISURVIVE post will not send (although I can write it out, I have no emails (notifications of package arrival or otherwise), no way to order groceries now that I have the money nor bills paid, either: I'M STUCK! I can't order anything more (like my hummingbird plants and the new tree collards) nor any storage foods. I just found a new store downtown that has many things that I'd like to get right now to freeze dry once that is up and running (should be soon), but without my computer I feel like I'm behind the wheel of a car and someone has blindfolded me!

I'll say one thing: I need to fix this problem on a PERMANENT basis! Solid, strong internet connection in my room so that I can pay my bills. Luckily I just paid the minimum on those credit "promotional" deals. WHEW! But that's only good for a month. I'm running everything on WiFi from DS's room where the modem is. Or is that the router? IDK. I NEVER EVER EVER miss or am late on my payments or even the utilities. I'm desperate. But here I sit with no internet connection anyway. I pay nearly $300/mo for my "bundle" so we have the works, but DS uses most of the broadband. I use perhaps 1% and he uses the rest (big gamer, downloads movies, etc.). It just doesn't seem fair to me that I pay 100% of the bill while he USES 99% of it, but that's not the worst of it. It's that I don't even have the 1% now!! I'm dead in the water. I can't use anything on the internet, but he's in his room playing games or watching the news. Really makes me upset. I have bills to pay!

I'm thinking that perhaps I should just go do my own things all myself. I am an independent cuss. I've asked DS to go pick up some prescriptions and run over to the Dr.'s office to pick up some paperwork for me. (If I could get my internet to work) I need to narrow down my grocery order and go pick it up. I have a car. I can drive. The more I ask him to do, the more empowered and discounting of me he becomes. My dogs pulled this same sort of thing with me a few nights ago, refusing to come or to come inside when I let them out to potty in the wee hours. YAP YAP YAP!! Neighbors must have loved that!!

I can drive, so why don't I? Good question. Who would I call to set up my new computer? Best Buy? I don't believe that they are "the Good Guys". I don't trust them. DS says it needs upgrades already. He could do it, but doesn't. And what's the solution to my lack of internet connection? DS's broadband signal is STRONG in his room, but it peters out by the time it gets in here. I'd get one of those boosters of the signal into my room, but I've already got one. I just don't know how to use it. I'm more of the 'turn it off and then on again" troubleshooter. When they say, "Hit the reset button." and don't say where it is or what it looks like and I can't find it on a blank box with two buttons, neither one that "works", I'm lost. What if I hit the wrong one? Or 'Just unplug it and plug it in again." - DS says I'm supposed to 'wait'. OK, how long? Or my computer offers to "troubleshoot", either giving the "reset" cue or saying, "IT'S FIXED." -- and it's NOT FIXED.

After months and months and months of this nonsense, I just want a PERMANENT and DEFINITIVE answer!! I have a new computer, ready to be set up. I'll even buy a NEW one!! I can get a very minimal internet connection just for me for super cheap...I think. OMG, I am so fed up!!!!! And I'm scared because I don't know what I'd doing. Where can I go? Who can I talk to about this? Who can fix this for me? NOT DS, that's for sure. He looks at me like I'm the most stupid thing God ever put on this earth!! Makes me feel SO discounted, so shamed. I don't deserve this! I've seen that condescending look before (MD!!) and I DON'T like it!!

===============(1:45 am Thursday)

I have been studying on all this "extender" stuff, like how to extend the [WiFi/broadband] signal from the router (in DS's room) through 2 walls and into my room.

=============(5:30pm Thursday)

Just spoke with my ODS (older dear son). He is a computer/broadband specialist. I'm going to try to set up my NEW computer myself with assistance from ODS (in the Midwest) and DS (here). Both are good with the computer, but ODS is an actual professional. I'd also forgotten that if I'm going nuts this weekend (with the terrible tearful boredom that can happen without my computer), I can access YouTube through my TV. We also have Netflix...maybe binge-watch something so I don't think about how I've not paid my bills. [Tick, tick, tick...] This plus Spot plus the bank transfer screw up plus my bills money finally getting here and I can't even use it because I have NO INTERNET connection. Actually, it's intermittent: now it's ON, now it's OFF. And it's been doing that for MONTHS AND MONTHS! That can be SO FRUSTRATING for me!! I don't even have anyone to call up and kvetch with. Sometimes all I need to do is vent, but "You can either kvetch, or actually do something about it".

ODS works with installing new broadband systems for people and he's now the supervisor. He's been doing this for years and years. To him, this is a super simple fix. To me, it's HUGELY overwhelming! And DS, 19 yrs. difference in age between the two brothers, just stands there, also frustrated because he doesn't even want to try to help me out for fear of it not coming out perfectly and possibly being rejected more by "the family" (shamed). It's a logistical mess.

So I'll try to do it myself (as is always the case). ODS said he'll help me by pics sent on our cellphones if I get stuck. I'm at hour 22 of a fast, I'm hungry, and I don't know what to eat. Not a good place for me. Craving FAST FOOD. But I'm going to clear a spot in my room instead, vacuum it, and unpack my 'new' computer onto the floor. That will block my access to my bathroom and to the kitchen and rest of the house, but at least I can do that much in the process. I'll stick it all onto my recliner when I want to go to sleep or whatever. No...wait. I can use that 6' long white Lifetime plastic folding table for my "desk" (weighs a TON - used it to block Spot from peeing/pooping on my bath mat). Then it will be up and off the floor (I'm still going to vacuum first!) and make the whole thing easier to work with.

So...first things first: I'll go clean my bathroom tonight and scrub up all the tiny random poop droplets that are still in there, as well as BLEACH WATER EVERYTHING, including a complete sterilization of the folding table. I can move it around the room as needed, even up against my WOW, but then I'll be blocked from my backyard. I'll figure it all out. I always do.

Let me see if this will send.

[honeybera]

Oh honeybera I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved Spot.

♥Thank you, Progress.♥ I was hoping to hear from you. All the sympathies shared feel like hugs to me, and I am very ok with hugs. I am only finding out now just how much I came to rely on Spot's presence. Both DS and I keep doing things that we've become accustomed to for her safety, and then we catch ourselves doing that. DS got called into work last night on an emergency (other fellow probably overslept or something) and I had to stay at home all alone. It was tough to do without Spot.

But right now I'm in the process of cleaning my refrigerator. I'm following my DB's lead to "keep busy" to deal with the grief, him with his wife who passed from COVID in Dec. and me from losing my quiet and faithful companion Spot. The pups just don't cut the mustard as companion dogs, although I know that they'd try, but they are so young and rowdy. They can't help themselves. Spot just laid there, looking at me with big brown eyes to make sure I was still there, taking the occasional walk into the bathroom to eat, and I just didn't appreciate the comfort to me that just her presence gave me enough. There was another living thing in my room that loved me unconditionally that also occasionally made a mess of one sort or another. It did make me feel overwhelmed at times, but I never dreamed that I'd miss her this much. The grief does come "in waves", so I'm just trying to keep busy.

That fridge looks SO much better. I can't stand in one place for too long or I get these sharp shooting pains across the tops of my feet. I just got a wonderful pink thing from Amazon with little bumps on it to roll under my sore feet (when that happens) and it works miracles!! Those sharp pains just subside, especially with taking an NSAID. My feet still have a slight pain/sensitivity, but it is bearable and so I go clean off another shelf in the kitchen fridge. And that nice clean fridge really helps lift my spirits.

BTW, I made homemade Keto Chicken Fried Rice for myself last night with canned pears in water and sweetened with Stevia for dessert. No fast food, but a dandy meal. I'm finding that I really enjoy the canned fruit (SUGAR FREE, but really yummy!) as a dessert. Really good! DS picked up my groceries that I managed to order and now I have anything that I want to eat. Plenty of eggs, fresh mayo (which I made), avocados, and now I can make that lasagna with full fat ricotta and a nice lasagne alla bolognese sauce with lots of fennel seeds sauteed in. I'll make that tomorrow and have it for dinner. YUM! I'm sort of doing "dirty Keto" right now (around 50 gms carbs vs 20 or less on regular "strict" keto), but NO SUGAR, no bread, no sodas ever again. PERIOD. And although I'm losing weight on this WOE, it's nearly effortless: OMAD (one meal a day, 1-4 hr. eating window, eat until 'just full'). Slow, but effortless.

I'll post this ASAP, but I have to get my internet connection fixed first. It appears that I have 5 bars, but NO internet connection. I'm trying to solve this problem. Let's see if this will send...

Honeybera