Letting go

[honeybera]

BTW, those new plants that I bought are all for the hummingbirds! I actually got some nice flowers from the survivor plants in the tall planters from a couple of years ago, and the hummers went WILD for them this year! Most of the plants on my table made it, too...amazingly!! They aren't perfect by any means, but they at least stand a chance...IF I continue to water them. I don't know where this reticence to do simple chores, especially to do with plants that I love, is coming from, but I have my suspicions.

Synonyms for reticence: disinclination, hesitance, hesitancy, reluctance, unwillingness
Near Antonyms for reticence: assurance, assuredness, certainty, certitude, conviction, positiveness, sureness, surety

I get these plants from Annie's Annuals and Perennials, and Annie isn't cheap! But when the plants arrive at the end of this month (she knows how hot it gets here, so she sends them only as it BEGINS to cool off), they will be gorgeous and healthy! Positively ROBUST!! They will go outside...but will I dither again? And what causes my reluctance to care for these wonderful hummingbird plants? I want to. The question is how BADLY do I want to? Can I overcome this battle between willingness and unwillingness?

================(Wed. morning)

I watered again yesterday. Those plants that I already have, that were starved for water until drooping and listless, are still alive! OMG! Every other day seems just fine. We're back into the mid- to upper 90s again, lasting as far out as weather dot com will take us. Not bad for this time of year! Amazing, in fact. I still have two full planters of strawberries (happily), one of each variety, and they will send out runners that will turn into new strawberry plants that I'll refill the empty planters on either side. I feel like I'm reprieved!

Today I would like to get out there and trim back more whippy weeds. Yesterday, not only did I water, but I cut back the strangling whippy weeds (invasive morning glory vines) which were climbing up and twisting around EVERYTHING out there: tomato plants, tree collards, the hummer plants, the table itself, gardening tools, and even my shepherd's hook that holds my hummingbird feeder! That last one is so bad because the vine creates a pathway for the ANTS (UGH!) to crawl up the pole to the feeder and foul it for the hummers! But it's all cut down now in that area. ha ha ha!

Today it's my chives, etc. The whippy weeds, with huge bright blue tubular-shaped flowers, are starting to climb over my dog's yard fence and into the tall planters below (filled with herbs), and they will strangle everything (as they are wont to do), by making an impenetrable covering, blocking out all sunlight and eventually killing my plants. The whole thing needs a good cleaning out. My Cha Cha chives (a very unusual plant! Allium schoenoprasum 'Cha Cha' (Chives 'Cha Cha')) are well established in that planter and that monstrous vine is NOT going to kill them before I get my butt out there to save them!!

As I reread the above, I found myself laughing. If only others would be as faithful and constant to me as my plants are. I was beginning to doubt that I could take care of the even more exotic, but well suited for this environment (hot and dry climates, little water once established) as these newcomer hummingbird plants will be. But as long as my gout stays at bay, I should be able to slip my shoes on and get out there to water at least.

And some of these plants are real doozies!! And some are for winter, some are for summer, and some are for year around so my hummers don't miss a meal even if I've not done my job to feed them! I'm especially liking the idea of the Mimulus 'Jelly Bean Fiesta Marigold' - it's bright red and tubular (for the hummers) and is GORGEOUS!

Profuse eye-popping amber-red 2” blooms edged in gold appear year-round along the coast and Spring-Fall in hottest areas. Tolerant of heat and zero Summer moisture, but will stay green and bloomy with some Summer water. - Annie's website

Even I can handle that! And there's another large bush with TONS of bright red slender tubes that the hummers love. I've seen them out there going from flower to flower, often fighting with one another to see who "gets" the plant (or the feeder)! I have true blue and bright yellow and orange and purple and white plants, too. Anything they want. I just hope that nothing destroys them, like rats or dogs trying to kill rats by digging them out. It could (and has) happened.

==================(late afternoon W)

I'm fasting beautifully and eating well. Blood sugars are good. The pitting edema went away (FINALLY!), the gout is gone, the cellulitis is fading fast. All is right with the world.

Beautiful! I'm exhausted just reading how productive you are! Glad to hear that your spirits are high and your health is improving, Honeybera!

Thank you, Oceantide. ♥ I appreciate that. I can't believe that you "follow" me. Wow. It must be exhaustive just slogging thru all my writings, but this is SO therapeutic for me! Right now I just did the dishes which made my back seize up and now I'm sitting down again. I am really getting hungry, but due to the bc and for the aromatase inhibitors, I'm going back to at minimum low carb/high fat, if not keto. Either way. Limited meat, especially red meat, but mostly chicken, or eggs, limited dairy (HWC is ok; it's mostly fat, not milk), and as many cruciferous veggies (broccoli, cabbage, Brussels Sprouts, bok choy, cauliflower [YAY!], COLLARD GREENS [DOUBLE YAY!], and even turnips!) as I can do sitting down to one meal. I'm looking for a good keto stir fry sauce recipe. Also I can now include citrus fruit (love me some navel oranges!), blueberries, red grapes, to prevent recurrence of my bc, and apples and pears (malic acid - good in preventing my gout flares) and of course, tart cherry juice.

And I can also now have some WHOLE GRAINS (Aromatase inhibitors). So if I down a bowl of oatmeal before my OMAD meal, especially if I make the groats, the true whole grain, not just a part of the seed, add cinnamon (lowers blood sugars), add erythritol or stevia for sweetness, or throw in some date pieces, top it all off with HWC (heavy whipping cream) = what a treat!! Maybe have that for dessert even! I'm definitely looking into a more holistic approach to estrogen reducing (aromatase inhibitors or AI) more through diet than what they have planned for me, like radiation and hormone therapy. I cannot have radiation because of my TP53 mutant gene that they found...or MAYBE I have it. They concluded that my findings were "INCONCLUSIVE". SAY WHAT? IF I have that gene mutation, radiation is NOT to be used! It can actually harm me or even cause another cancer! But they're still running around trying to get my copay and health insurance out of me while vehemently arraigning appointments for me to GET radiation! Nuts to that! I'll opt for an almond flour-blueberry muffin with flax seed - super healthy, absolutely delicious, able to be made ahead and frozen for whenever I need it. What's not to love? And it does the same darned thing as the pills - WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS!!

And the problems with the "hormone therapy" (AI) is that it can CAUSE osteoarthritis. In addition to that, it can bring on joint pain (and usually does!) and...well, just let them tell it:

What are the risks and side effects of aromatase inhibitors? The most common side effects of AIs are symptoms of menopause, such as hot flashes, night sweats, and vaginal dryness. These drugs can also cause muscle and joint pain. This side effect can be serious enough to cause some women to stop taking the drugs. - American Cancer Society

www.verywellhealth dot com › aromatase-inhibitors-for-preventing-breast-cancer-recurrence-4153970
Aromatase Inhibitors: Uses, Dosage, Side Effects, Interactions
Jul 31, 2021The common short-term side effects associated with all three aromatase inhibitors include: Hot flashes Joint pain Muscle pain Headache Night sweats Hair loss Insomnia Nausea Upset stomach Diarrhea Fatigue Depression Edema (tissue swelling) Of these, persistent joint and muscle pain are the commonly cited reasons for treatment termination.

===============(Friday)

WELL CRAP! I JUST ERASED HALF OF MY POST! AARRGGHH!!!

I'm going to bed...G'nite...

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I have been battling an overabundance of C-diff for the past week or so, a normal "bad" bacteria in my gut due to an overabundance of antibiotics taken this month and last month due to cellulitis, picked up during surgery for bc. I suspect, but probably won't ever find out, that when I "went gray" during surgery that they kind of hurried up and finished the surgery rather sloppily and began to try to wake me up, which took well over an hour! Going GRAY means a severe lack of oxygen being given by that lousy anesthesiologist! These people darned near killed me! And I had warned them and warned them about how I do not do well with anesthesia! But they patted my hand and told me that I could trust them. This was apparently not true!

When antibiotics are taken, they kill EVERYTHING in your gut. That's just how it is. Both good and bad bacteria are killed, but the C-diff bacterium begins to thrive again soon afterwards in wild abundance, causing all kinds of problems, killing all of the "good" bacteria, and causing extreme watery diarrhea! The "good" bacteria don't stand a chance...without yet ANOTHER antibiotic to cure THAT! It can be life threatening, as can the cellulitis that the antibiotics were initially given for. And let's not forget: all was caused by my very necessary bc surgery. (I'm also experiencing lymphedema, or swelling from the removed lymph nodes.)

And this is ALL BEFORE my radiation and hormonal therapies have even been scheduled, and which are done to avoid "recurrence" or a return of a cancer. I have to decide if the treatment is worse than the cure or is "not so bad", if I should or shouldn't trust what they are saying to me, urging me to do something in the strongest terms with POSSIBLE significant side effects. Each person is different, or so they tell me. So what do I decide to do? Especially with my current experience with them (read: Keystone Kops). I see them as throwing ideas at a wall to see what sticks, and the results are often counterproductive or contraindicated! Or WORSE! No one reads my chart. You don't give a person with cellulitis a drug that REDUCES the immune response!! You just don't, but THEY DID. Or attempted to. I did NOT take those pills - it was for gout, the gout went away on its own with the help of Tart Cherry juice and celery seed, and I dodged a bullet.

Here's what it is: radiation cuts my "risk" of cancer recurring (coming back) by half. Sounds like 50%, but it's NOT. My cancer recurrence risk with a Stage 1 is only 8%. That's 92% that it WON'T come back without radiation. But WITH the radiation, which can do damage on its own to my heart and lungs and even CAUSE a new cancer, my risk reduction would be (they think) 4%! It ideally would reduce my risk number to 4%, or a 96% chance that it won't return, but certainly not without risk that they may do more harm than good. That has been my experience with them (clowns without makeup) so far. Glad that they got the cancer ALL OUT of me (as per my surgeon), but the aftermath has been a real awakening!

ANYWAY...my new hummingbird plants are due in today. Luckily, I have ordered mostly plants that thrive in intense heat because we are about to FINALLY have a severe HEAT WAVE over Labor Day , up to 109ºF on Labor Day itself! (Enjoy those picnics!) I will have to water EVERY DAY from that point on. I plan to stay inside in air conditioned comfort (and keep my pups inside, too) and heal up from all this "help" from the medical profession. It's been relatively "cool" all summer (in the mid to upper 90s - that's chilly for here during July and August!), but this will be WELL over 100º (104º - 109º, starting Thurs. Sept. 1 - Wed. Sept. 7).

I've got to begin to transplant everything, especially all the new plants, even if it's a only a couple of plants at a time. AND I need to set up my new adorable shepherd's hooks to hold the bird seed for the little birds (and of course, another hummer feeder, too) - all held way up high (101" = 8'5" - plenty tall) to avoid the dogs attacking the birds and the rats from eating the seeds at night. I have some ant deterrent as well that really works. It's like a gel with cinnamon in it, which the ants HATE. They will NOT cross this stuff, and it lasts all season! Got it on Amazon. Goop it around the shepherd's hook pole or even around my filtered water dispenser in the French Door fridge, and that's that! NO ANTS. Amazing stuff!! And no ants in my water jug when I go to fill it.

I'm going to use some old seed trays I have for the little birds and a 20# bag of millet for the seed (already purchased and sitting in the living room, taking up space - needs to be dumped into a bucket and sealed). I also have a new hummingbird feeder for the other shepherd's hook (same height and design as the other one) plus I have nice big shades/umbrella-shaped covers to go on top so they can all eat in the shade and in peace without howling dogs trying to grab them from the current feeders (3' high bird baths).

Since I've had to raise up the feeders so tall (I'm even using extension poles to make them even higher), I've decided to use 5 gallon buckets to stick the poles in. First fill partially (maybe halfway, so it's not too heavy to move) with quick dry cement, stick in a shepherd's hook, let it dry completely, bend it over to hook on a feeder, tip it back up to full height - and it's good to go! Won't blow over and the dogs/rats/ants can't access it! My little birds (even the hummers) should be good. The little guys are trying to come back now, but the dogs don't see birds - they see "flying mice" and they go NUTS! They are rat terriers...this is what they DO. Admittedly, they are getting better and quieter about it, so this idea should work. Peace in paradise! All is right with the world.

That tipping down the shepherd's hooks in the buckets to refill them is the kicker. If I tip them down, gravity will keep the seed tray level and straight while still hooked onto the pole. Once refilled, re-hook it onto the pole and slowly move the pole (still cemented in the bucket) to its full height, and the birds can eat safely again. Same thing for the hummers. I have everything. I need to assemble it.

So I'll keep busy in my time of healing up from the onslaught of medical marvels that have been hurled at me lately. New plants, new ideas for feeders. Lots of fun to watch them behind my WOW with the mirrored glass so I can see them, but they can't see me. And they love my garden dirt, too - they still take dust bathes in it every day...that the dogs aren't around. I can't do anything about that. That's between all of them. But to feed and water them? Now that's a different story.

Time to start my day...love you all!

Honeybera - still standing! ♥♥♥

[honeybera]

I KNOW that this is a forum for child abuse survivors, and I am one of them for SURE. But today I have discovered on YouTube a holistic doctor that I like even better than (Name Removed)! He describes Physiology, Chemistry, and the intricacies of the human body in depth and promotes natural healing better than anyone, even my favorite, (Name Removed)! His name is (Name Removed). (Jonesy, if that's improper for me to say his name, edit it out please.) I always thought that "holistic" or "traditional" medicine was a farce and a scam, but this guy is telling it like it is...scientifically! In detail! He even has a video on AUTOPHAGY, for Pete's sake! (I haven't seen that one yet, but I will soon, and I can't wait!) Autophagy is how a cell recycles old protein and other material inside it. Even the bc genetic "counselor" didn't know what that meant! She knew the word APOPTOSIS, which means cell death, especially regarding cancer, but not what autophagy means. She was being a real smarty pants, too, talking down to "stupid" old me, speaking very slowly for my benefit, explaining the concept, but not even daring to say the word apoptosis to dumb old me. I piped up and said, "Oh! You mean apoptosis! That is similar to autophagy!" And she blurted out, "YOU KNOW THAT WORD??" Indeed I do! Felt good to show her up. Then (at her request) I explained autophagy to her!

I'm understanding the physiology of the WHY I'm not losing weight by way of this new doctor. He goes in depth on these subjects, meticulously explaining every little detail and giving reasons why this may not be working for me (insulin resistance!!!!), but also giving answers to how to combat it, too. Just wonderful! Apparently, it's back to keto again. I was getting pretty sloppy since the surgery and especially the gout flare when I could barely walk to the kitchen to prepare a meal for myself! I was barely eating low carb! I was going for quick and easy things to make: pop it frozen in the oven at 350ºF for 15 minutes - that sort of thing. No standing at the counter, mixing and baking or even throwing together some mayo. I have some store bought keto bread, but UGH! Not that good. But the quickness of the preparation of the food was addictive, as were the flavors! It may be deadly for me, but it was darned tasty, too! But if I continue to eat what is poisonous to me, I won't last long. Poison is poison.

Anyway, I really like this new doctor...albeit holistic. But really, there's something to be said for holistic. After what I've been through in the last 4 months, what with the cancer and surgery, gout, cellulitis, lymphedema, general edema (swelling! couldn't get my shoes on!), possible C-diff infection (I didn't have that one, thank God! but tested me for it anyway), and all the other things that the doctors and the hospital and the drugs (antibiotics) CAUSED, I AM FED UP WITH DOCTORS!!!!! UP TO HERE!!! They seemed to not only err on the side of caution, but to actively try to seek out SOMETHING, ANYTHING wrong with me!!! $$$$$!!! I've decided to opt for common sense instead. I can't take much more of the DOCTORS idea of my "good health" and what it takes to get me there. They've made mistake after mistake! Some would have been quite costly to me had I not studied the drawbacks or the adverse reactions possible first before just taking it like a good patient does.

Anyway, I am thrilled by finding this guy by chance. I've seen him before on YouTube, but quickly (too quickly), and now I want to see more (much more!). I'm finally healing up quite nicely: breast, foot, gut microbiome. Everything is getting back to normal, and I intend to keep it that way.

My plants will be here tomorrow, ONE DAY BEFORE the horrendous heat wave hits on Thursday! EARLY MORNING WATER for everyone, dogs inside after noon. Thursday will be 102º, but Sat, Sun, and Labor Day itself will be 104º, 107º, and a whopping 111º on Labor Day! Then "cooling" to 110º Tues, 105º on Wed, and then barely under a "cool" 100º and then lower 90s into Fall...HOPEFULLY! Dear God, please don't let my A/C fail now and NO BLACKOUTS! For me, I'm sticking close to home with a big jug of filtered ice water! Sounds logical to me.

But now I need some sleep IF I am to get anything done in the mornings. Tomorrow will be the last sane day: only 97ºF in the afternoon. Lots of water for everyone! Nighty night! (Remember, this heat all rolls eastward from here. I'm just glad I'm not in Phoenix!)

Honeybera

[honeybera]

It's still Wednesday. Got a good sleep in there...until 11am! I am SO proud of myself, though. I did a few things around the house first (got my water jug filled, got a nice glass of Tart Cherry juice - little gout problem this morning, but is just about gone already) - and then I went right outside (MY CLOGS FIT AGAIN! YIPPEE!!!) and did a THOROUGH watering of the yard!! Even old Pedro, my now-huge, "dwarf", decades-old and still surviving walnut tree over in the dog's yard got a nice long drink! He was starting to look a bit droopy, and the high temps aren't even here yet!!

But already my tap water is warm, even on the cold setting! Ice water in my jug is a true blessing! If I can just hold out until next Wed., the last day of the HEAT WAVE , I'll be ok. It's 2:30pm as I write this and it's 92º already! (97º is forecast.) But the plants outside are ALL nicely and deeply watered, including the trees, and I can relax inside with the pups, dreading the upcoming weekend! Should be a doozy! I did notice that my Albion strawberries have a number of blossoms on them and there are LOTS of bees buzzing around my yard. Nature is freakin' AMAZING!! And forgiving, too!!

I just checked my RING doorbell app. MY NEW HUMMINGBIRD PLANTS ARE HERE...I think. They were brought inside by DS. ♥♥♥ I need to go greet them. I called Annie's yesterday and got a rather terse and condescending lecture from one of the people there. I just wanted to be SURE that the plants would be here before the BIG heat wave hit. If plants sit out on my porch in FULL SUN AND HEAT, they could be harmed, or even die if I'm not aware of them sitting there for any length of time. But this "lady" was really lighting in to me regarding our hot temps over here: "I can SEE that you're about to have a heat wave!! These plants need to have temps no greater than 83º!! Why did you order them in August?!" and on and on and on. She also told me that they had already shipped, which was the info that I had originally called for. I didn't need the lecture! I don't make the weather!! Sheesh! And next year will have a summer, too! I've seen it over here go to 118º (rarely, but it happens). Did she consider that? Good lord! What a shrew! I paid for my plants! She has my address. I hope she doesn't decide to come over to scold me again for our hot temps over here. That would be a BIG mistake!!

I'm going to bring my newbies in from the front room. They looked righteously packaged on the porch (where they sat for a mere 1 minute before DS came out and got them). They should be just fine. The Annie's lady was more upset because the plants would be "in a hot delivery truck", but aren't they air conditioned? That lady needs to take a chill pill!! Weather happens. And all these new plants are suited for "hot and dry climates" according to Annie's website. But this gal was concerned about their "tender roots" being damaged by the delivery van temps. Aarrgghh! - I'm just going to let it go. Nutty old nursery person who doesn't want to let go of her plants. Well, they're mine now!

Thanks for hanging in there with me. You have no idea what it means to me!!

Honeybera ♥♥♥

[honeybera]

SEE WHAT LETTING GO CAN DO FOR A PERSON!!!! I WATERED AGAIN TODAY! IN ADDITION, I CUT BACK A TON OF WHIPPY WEEDS!! Now they're not suffocating my tall spice planters! (Wow! I must be tired! It's 100ºF out there right now and now that I'm sitting down, my hands are shaking so much that it's hard to type! ) In those planters, just outside of my WOW, are my ChaCha Chives, gorgeous and happily overflowing oregano, which I also trimmed up, and dill. On the ground is a BIG heap of dead and dying Whippy Weeds! I'll probably pick those up and bag them tomorrow.

I cannot believe that I just went outside today to WATER for the second day in a row. In these extremely hot temps, these poor little plants, some in 4" pots still, NEED the water! I hadn't watered my citrus trees yesterday either, but I have now. I hope that you all can read between the lines of my post here: it isn't that I watered my plants, it's that I DID IT!! I forced myself out there, every other day for several days now, and now that it's needed so badly, I AM DOING IT EVEN MORE! I AM ABLE TO!!! Usually in August, I just sit here for some unknown reason and sadly watch everything slowly die before my eyes. It's not that I don't feel bad. I do! But still I sit quietly and watch them die.

BUT NOT THIS AUGUST! AND NOT THIS SEPTEMBER, EITHER!!! I needed to water every day, and I DID water every day...so far. I need to keep it up. The heat wave is upon us here. It's even making national news - well, that and the inevitable fires and drought. All are bad, but we are at least safe from the forest fires. I'm even becoming happy about the heat. It means a nice mild winter. I can have food growing in my yard year 'round. I'm noticing that with the extra water my plants are getting, they are thriving, even in this heat. I am so grateful.

And yesterday I OPENED UP THE 30# BAG OF WORM CASTINGS (organic fertilizer/compost material/worm poop ) that has been sitting in the hallway and now in front of the sink in the hobby room for literally several years combined now!!! You have NO IDEA the effort that took me to finally slit that thing open. When my old bag of worm castings ran out, I dragged this one into the Hobby Room, where I do all my potting, from the hallway. It's way too heavy for me to lift. I've got TONS of potting soil in there, bags and bags of it, and lots of micronutrients to add to it (bone meal, etc.). Then I need to mix it all up with a big spoon and add a bunch of water until it clumps slightly, but is still able to un-clump easily - it's like baking a cake or something. But for SOME UNGODLY REASON, I would NOT open up that bag of worm castings! Every day I would promise myself that I would do it, but then I would NOT. At the end of the day, I would feel HORRIBLY disappointed in myself and just give up and go to bed, promising myself to do it again tomorrow. And...repeat. I did this for months and months on end, but I FINALLY did it yesterday!!! YAY!!!!!

I did not mix anything...yet. But today I'm going to AT LEAST fill my hummingbird feeder with sugar water and put it out there in the yard, glove up and dig down into that worm castings bag after filling my mixing bowl (a huge plastic thing) with the mix, and fill AT LEAST ONE pot! If I can do more, I will!!!

It's like I'm unwinding the tangle of lies and disinformation given of half truths to make me avoid doing anything (mostly for my own safety). "Nice young ladies do it this way.", MD would say to me soothingly. But I KNEW there was a slug or a slap or cruel insult lurking behind it. Have a job? NO! "Your family name is __________! YOU don't HAVE to work!" I was NEVER allowed to DO or PROVIDE anything during a family get-together, a BIRTHDAY dinner or Thanksgiving or Xmas or Easter or ANYTHING!!! It was MD's house and it was HER dinner and I could just go sit with the men! I'd offer, she'd scoff, and send me away. ALWAYS! I learned early on to just stay out of her way. Nothing was expected of me anyway. So that's what I learned. Same went for every night's dinner, or housekeeping of any kind, or being involved with our then family of three that we were until my DB's arrival when I was 10. I was told that my function was to be the "deciding vote" if MD and my father could not agree on something, like where to eat out. (It didn't really count, but I believed it did then.) After DB arrived, it was his job to make the deciding vote!

Then it got even worse! Once DB arrived, she flat ISOLATED me! She had the family she wanted - and I WAS OUT!! Tough to deal with at 10. I was BARELY tolerated! It was obvious. Occasionally it got so bad that even my father would speak up or show me some positive attention, but MD made sure that he suffered for it. I wrote about one instance on this forum re: not going to my 6th grade graduation party because, very much like the watering and the worm castings, I would AVOID THINGS, like writing a "report" on Alaska. So MD eventually just wrote it for me, gave it to me, I slipped it into my desk when I got to school, and said I did not have it. I remember Mr. G warning me that I would not be allowed to go with the others (MD had packed my lunch and I had my swimming suit with me) and would have to be humiliated by staying with the 5th graders. I repeated that I did not have it. I sat all day with the 5th graders, but it was almost a comfort for me to do so. I similarly missed "flying up" from a Brownie to a Girl Scout for the same reason. But darned if I can figure out what that reason was. Stubbornness? Perhaps. It wasn't orneriness. I didn't feel mean. I felt DETERMINED. Rebellion then? But why then take it out on my poor flowers and veggies now? That's a good question I have not answered yet. But I know it has something to do with my upbringing and the daily cruel abuse by MD.

I guess it's like a "why bother" attitude. No, that's not it either. Some of it's feeling defeated already, so why bother? Shyness is involved, too. Defeated. Hmm. Did I feel defeated?

defeated, adjective
-subjugated, beaten, overcome
-beaten or overcome; not victorious
-disappointingly unsuccessful
- Merriam Webster

Uh YEAH. That describes it for then! But what about NOW?

Now it feels more like overwhelmed with a sprinkling of (OMG, I was going to use the term procrastination, so I looked it up as I often do, to check that the meaning/definition is what I mean to say, and I found a page in Psychology regarding procrastination/laziness that has perked up my interest. Sounds very self forgiving, and that's the first step, isn't it: recognition and a kindness towards myself. I'm going to study it more in depth. I need to understand all this inside me. MD may have been gaslighting me (again) all along! She may have feared SO MUCH to be seen as "LAZY" that she forced that image onto her infant/toddler/preschool daughter! Be back soon. Love you all!)

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I'm giving myself 5 min. to type this, but I feel a need to say this: I NEED TO STAY IN THE NOW! I believe that that will help me. MD is D-E-A-D! I hate to say it that way, and I mean no disrespect, but it is what it is. After much reading and studying tonight, what I find is this: Was she mean? Oh HELL YES! Did she leave me scarred? YES! But who is in charge of me right now? ME! NOT HER! SHE'S DEAD! AND GONE!

I have my new plants in the front room and a storage room still full of stuff and lots of other stuff that needs doing. I need WAY less TV, too! It's only upsetting me. More quiet time to think about what's the next step in cleaning this place up?

Time's up. Time for bed so I can do all of this good stuff tomorrow. It may all not get done TOMORROW, but I can make a dent in it, and that should make me feel a lot better! This heat wave will only last until mid-September. After that, back to the 80ºF temps again!! Ok, upper 80s, but hey! Better than the 111ºF that's a few days away, isn't it?

Honeybera

[honeybera]

2:00pm Sunday Walk with me on my journey: back to health, back to productivity, back to some sort of stamina! Today NO TV so far!! NONE! (Proud of myself!) It helps with mindfulness and focus without the TV distraction all the time. But when I did try to work, I began to see just how limited in energy I am! No wonder I avoid!!

I did manage to walk down to the hobby room to fetch my ice water (64oz. jug) from the French door fridge. Then I visited with DS for a bit. And then I went into the front room and found, to my horror, that one of my salvias had begun to wilt due to lack of water!!! So one by one, I picked up each little cardboard protection box they're packed in, 3 plants to a long cardboard box, and walked all 4 to my room, one at a time and sat the poor little dry things still in their packaging on my bed. The wilted one went directly out to the garden (it's 102º ATM, but the entire table is in the shade), unpacked the 3 in the cardboard box, and gently, but thoroughly, watered them. But then I was overwhelmed with exhaustion! So I came in and moved the other 3 boxes off my bed and staged them on the floor next to the WOW. Both incentive to not ignore them and easier to retrieve them. But there they sit, still unwatered, still in their boxes, still in their 4" pots. Annie would be having a cow! This should have been done last Wednesday!!

In the last box are 2 of my 3 "Monkey flowers". Very pretty once established! One is called Jelly Bean Fiesta. If you type that into Google, you can see the images of it. I got one of those red/gold ones (and also a yellow and a white), but Annie's no longer has any in stock!! In fact, several of my plants are now out of stock at Annie's! Already!! So I'd better take REALLY good care of these plants!!

===============(5:00pm)

I DID THE HUMMINGBIRD FEEDER!!!!!! It's hanging out there RIGHT NOW!! AND I also put on the ant repellent on the shepherd's hook so the ants don't get to the feeder itself and foul it all up! That repellent is FANTASTIC!! I put it around the shepherd's hook last year and it's still working! NO MORE ANTS IN THE HUMMER FEEDER! NOT ONE!! (Nectar Fortress Natural Ant Repellent - Amazon) Great stuff for anywhere. The ants got into the water in the French door dispenser until I made a line of this non-toxic, cinnamon gel around the dispenser. Within minutes, no ants! And NONE EVER SINCE!



I've gotten ½ of the plants unpacked and watered, too! (104º SO FAR! Dang!!) So 6 are out there, watered, and in the shade. Dogs are in here with me, snoozing. I'm doing pretty good so far.

The NO TV really makes a difference! I know that DB got MD a scooter to ride after her stroke, and then he put her into a nursing home. She (claimed to me) that she actually enjoyed it, especially the food and bingo. She settled in, began to overeat, especially candy. She sat and sat and sat. I'm finding myself doing the same darned thing, only without the scooter and prepared meals. My feet were excruciatingly painful, that is true! But now that they're not, I need to WALK again all I can, even in the house! It's a big house, forming a U on the inside, so it's like walking the mall or something. The front room, kitchen, and hobby room are at the bottom of the U. The pups and family room are at the tip of one U point, and the bedrooms (including the storage room) are at the other tip. It's a LONG walk to put the pups away at night from my room. But I'm beginning to welcome that long, exhausting walk nowadays. It's flat good for me. I NEED to do it! No more avoidance!

I also have a brand new (still in the box) dog jogger (not to jog the dogs, but for me to take them for a walk - I'm not nearly ready for a jog yet! ) - in bright, blindingly, and nearly florescent PINK PINK PINK! You could see this thing from a mile away - maybe from outer space! But I don't care! To me it is "a shopping cart" whose handle I can hold onto while I walk around the neighborhood and familiarize my dogs with the concept of "outside" at the same time. Their entire world has been our house and our backyard. So, two birds, one stone, so to speak. You have no idea just how much this is also needed for me! Nor how difficult it will be to get the dogs to ride along quietly. They DREAD even approaching the TERRIFYING front door! All my other dogs would try to FLEE out the front door and down the street at a dead run at the drop of a hat (very breed appropriate with Rat Terriers), but these girls are very, VERY different. So as soon as possible, I'm going to ask DS to assemble my jogger. It's a nice one with plenty of room for both girls (although I'll start them off VERY slowly, gently, and individually). These girls are like lifting a wriggling solid muscle, so maybe a training treat or two inside the jogger to assist? Once they get the hang of it, I'm hoping it will go smoothly: they will have exposure to the outside world in a very gentle manner, and I'll get my walk, bright PINK and all!

That's one thing, but while unpacking my new plants, I realized something else. I was unpacking the plants extremely slowly at first. EXTREMELY, almost reverently! I got quicker at it as it went along...but I was afraid that I might hurt the plants or make some other dreadful mistake. MD was, if nothing else, a PERFECTIONIST! And she DEMANDED the same thing of all of those around her - and none of them were perfect enough for HER! Trust me! If she wasn't scolding me (or flat out beating me or tricking me or...well, you get the idea), then she was complaining to me about someone else and THEIR foibles! My Aunt M, my aunt J, my father! Even my grandparents! No one was quite as perfect as HER! My dad was a wimp, my Grandma was a sucker and a patsy for going out of her way to help other people down on their luck or about to ship out overseas during WWII with a family meal or a place to stay temporarily. "I don't have an inferiority complex! I have a SUPERIORITY COMPLEX!!" She actually would say that to me! So I believe that she instilled that into me: MD perfect, me IMPERFECT! "YOU are reliably UNRELIABLE!!" "Can't you do ANYTHING right??!!" (usually followed by a slap or a punch). She would say to people within my hearing range, "Oh, you know, she's such a NERVOUS child!" WELL DUH! Who wouldn't be?? I was literally her whipping boy for her own misgivings about herself.

But now is now, and that changes things! She was terrible, but like I said yesterday, she is gone - in the most permanent way possible. I am safe from her and her venomous ways. I'm no longer an impressionable little kid or a lost young adult. I've worked my way up to retirement age and am a responsible homeowner and all around nice person, just who I always wanted to be. The only person who can stop me or shame me or anything else is ME. So why would I want to do that? I DON'T!

But now I need to get back to work with unpacking these plants...and to FINISH IT tonight!! I've got about an hour before sunset. The temp is down to 103º and dropping. Now is the time. I'd also like to make up some planting mix (SERIOUSLY - that is NEXT!) and make some dinner for me. Veggies and meatballs tonight with Alfredo sauce. YUM! I'm going to ATTEMPT to make those Blueberry Muffins tonight, too. Fingers crossed.

=======================(7pm)

DONE!!!!!!!!!!! ALL new plants are out on the table and watered!! I thoroughly watered the trees last night, so they should be ok. Tomorrow sounds like a good time to fertilize IF I can get my raggedy butt out there early enough before the 109º H-E-A-T hits!! OMG, I just checked my weather app! M-F weather is as follows: M 109º, Tu 112º, W 109º, Th 109º, and F 107º!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN it "cools down" into the mid 90s the following weekend. But after that I'm seeing upper 80s!! All the way out! I wonder if it's finally OVER? I sure hope so!

I need to get some rest soon, but I want to fill my big huge bowl with ready-to-go potting soil for tomorrow. Plus I'd really like to make those Blueberry Muffins, but maybe tomorrow. I have some Rebel ice cream (best keto ice cream there is!) in the freezer, so maybe that and an orange for dessert. It sounds so good. I know me. I'm losing steam here, but I have done rather well for today! TOMORROW: WATER 2X! Morning and evening! And try to transplant as many plants from 4" to 1 gallon containers!

====================(Sun. 2pm)

Already 103º out there in the back yard, but AMAZING things are going on out there, too! My strawberries that survived are BLOSSOMING AND sending out one long sucker plant for me to pot up and begin refurbishing the other two (TOTALLY DEAD) planters! Talk about survivors!!! And to stun me even more, my dear little Rubinette apple tree...yeah, the one I took for dead (brown, crispy leaves - apparently completely D-E-A-D!) BUT I watered it anyway...and that brave little tree has SPROUTED NICE LITTLE GREEN LEAVES ALL OVER IT! I watered it THOROUGHLY today, gratefully!!!! In fact, I watered my entire yard...well, the areas that I normally water anyway. It's so dry out there that even the whippy weeds are droopy and dying of the heat!! (A quiet YAY! ) I need to put away my fear of 30% vinegar (pretty strong stuff) and finish off a LOT of whippy weeds out there in this last heat wave.

Sadly, the Mimulus Jelly Bean Fiesta Marigold [JBFM] is not looking good, all droopy and very unhappy. I was going to pot it today, but the way it looks right now, as described, I would not risk it!! I have two other Mimulus (Mimuli?? ), a yellow one "Pamela" and a white one named "White" , and they are all perky and ready to go, but my Jelly Bean Fiesta Marigold not so much.

UPDATE!! Last night I was having terrible trouble getting in to the Annie's website. I thought maybe that they were blocking me somehow and no longer wanted my business from here on the surface of the sun, but that was NOT the case! Today I was able to get back in and see ALL of their Mimulus (or Mimuli? - who knows! ) and they still have the ones that I want! So...I'm going to clear out a couple of the old strawberry tall planters and move them closer to my WOW, both so I can see them and the hummer action better, and for the convenience of watering them closer to me. It seems that the Mimulus plants do better in semi-shade which I can provide, and TONS of water, too. They can even be planted directly into water! But here's what Annie's says:

Tolerant of heat and zero Summer moisture, but will stay green and bloomy with some Summer water.

Hm. That's not what everyone else says, and I can see my JBFM is living proof of that! Everything else perked right up, except for my favorite little droopy mimulus. But if my Rubinette apple tree and my strawberries can do it, maybe my JBFM can, too. FINGERS CROSSED!

And BTW, "The plural form of mimulus is also mimulus." Just found that out. Little known facts one can find on the internet. Now off to the hobby room to mix up a batch of potting soil...wish me luck!

BTW, still NO TV today! I'm actually liking this! And I think I'll just send this off, too. (Forecast for tomorrow? 114ºF!!!!)

Honeybera

[Paper]

Hello honeybera, I want to say how much I've enjoyed your descriptions of tending the plants and yourself, as I see that as mixed in. Tending to life. Once, a long time ago, I had plants that I cared for in a yard where we put up a fence. I loved watering. There was something special about it, being the water-bringer, like I was the rain. Lol. I liked the smell of the dirt, too. And whenever I got some food from something I was really excited (thinking now of your strawberries, and apple tree). I looked up those jelly bean plants last night. I hope they make it. They're lovely.

I am exhausted almost all the time. No reason why that I know of, just been that way for years. I also have no tv. I stopped watching it some years ago for some reason I can't remember now. I still get distracted, just by different things. I agree with you about walking. I don't go outside very much at all now but I walk here, well, I pace and stuff like that. I feel like I want to keep moving and using my body... I was cheering you on throughout this post. Go, honeybera!

[honeybera]

Tuesday noon 9-6-22 Already hotter than hell out there in the backyard (100º), but this is the pinnacle of the heat wave: 114º this afternoon at around 4-7pm. AND I ALREADY WATERED THE PLANTS TODAY! You have no idea just what an accomplishment that was! I slept in until nearly 11am, got up, donned my muumuu, put my gardening hat on my head, clogs on, NO TV AND NO GAMES, still half asleep, unlocked my WOW, and walked outside!!! The hose water had to be run since it was SOOO hot already!!! It was so HOT that I had to take my hand OFF the water wand as I felt the metal to assess the temp because it was too hot to hang on to it! That's a first time for me!!

But the 3 yr. old plants are still thriving, little hummingbird blossoms all over the place, and even the NEW plants are ok...all but one. I seriously don't think my absolute favorite, the Jelly Bean Fiesta Marigold Mimulus, is going to make it. BUT ANNIE DOES HAVE MORE, and the yellow and the white are doing GREAT, so try, try again for more JBFMs! They are a pretty plant, despite having the name of Monkey Flower, but other colors do not have the vibrant deep red with gold trim and ruffled JBFM flowers. I would LOVE to see the JBFM side by side with the others as a contrast, and to not have that contrast would otherwise defeat the whole purpose and balance of my display for the hummingbirds...and for me.

So I'm now trying to decide how many new ones to get. I have to be careful in this. I have a real tendency to overdo. I have enough money for several plants plus Annie has some mimulus colors that I've never seen her offer before. I can easily get myself in a pickle by buying too much and become overwhelmed and then just stop doing what needs to be done...procrastination! And I don't want that. On the other hand, Annie's oftentimes just runs out and may or may not get them back in, and if she does, who knows when that will happen? I've seen plants on her site that I want, but they are either discontinued or have a "crop failure" or just never are offered again. So I will try to figure out today just how many and of which to buy. If I buy 4 plants, the shipping is the same price for one plant or 4. I'm weird about paying for shipping: I HATE IT. So all mimulus, but which colors? And that's where I am today: undecided as to the colors. And this time, the delivery time if I order today (Sept. 20) doesn't coincide with a freakin' HEAT WAVE!

If I give myself a little bit of time (emphasis on the LITTLE BIT), like as I'm doing my potting today, it will come to me exactly what to do. And it will come to me in a flash! And it will be the right thing for me to do, no regrets. Of this I am sure. It's why I really enjoy my solitude. No need to push myself or get vexed. If I relax and ignore the decision, the answer will come to me. It always does.

Well, time to get busy. Lots to do today. Thank God for an a/c house. I keep mine in the upper 70s or right at 80º on a scorcher like today. It still feels cool inside, and after living over here for the last 8 years in retirement, I'm getting much more used to the summertime heat. I am so blessed!!!

(LOL! Just as I typed that last thing, appearing on my task bar: a bright red triangle with a thermometer inside it, and it popped up the words, HEAT WAVE! WELL DUH!)

104º at 1pm!! YOW! It's hard to ignore 114ºF! Off to do important and very necessary tasks! OMG, at 1:19 pm it's 106º!!!!!! Heaven help me!! Inside, busy, and LOTS of ice water!!

NO WAIT! Now it's 2pm and it's 109º! I'm outta here...

Honeybera ♥♥♥

[honeybera]

Hello honeybera, I want to say how much I've enjoyed your descriptions of tending the plants and yourself, as I see that as mixed in. Tending to life.

Ah! another latent, potential gardener! I say that because I recognize that in myself! Thank you so much!

Once, a long time ago, I had plants that I cared for in a yard where we put up a fence. I loved watering. There was something special about it, being the water-bringer, like I was the rain. Lol.

It IS, right?! I say to myself (and of course to Paper), "Someone out there really understands!!" It does satisfy me, too, but for some reason I hold myself back from that pleasure. However, for these last several days when I did get myself OUT there, first in the late afternoons with the hungry mosquitos and today just after my eyes opened from sleep, I thoroughly enjoyed it! And while I'm out there, I fill up water dishes for the pups, too. We all need water.

I liked the smell of the dirt, too.

As I read that, I was whisked back to seeing my beloved grandfather tending to his garden next to his house. He always let me help, even as a toddler, and I remember when he'd turn the dirt and that wonderful warm smell would come wafting up to us. I really know what you mean, Paper.

And whenever I got some food from something I was really excited (thinking now of your strawberries, and apple tree).

Oh yes! And don't forget the Sungold tomatoes! Just big enough to pick and rinse off with the hose and pop into my mouth and enjoy the taste of a warm, ripe, sweet little orange tomato in the summer right off the vine! Nothing else like it!

I looked up those jelly bean plants last night. I hope they make it. They're lovely.

Why thank you! I appreciate that. So sad that the Fiesta Marigold plant doesn't look like it's going to make it. I will keep trying to revive it, but I don't have much hope. I do keep thinking about my reviving Rubinette apple tree, though, all dried out with crispy brown leaves, looking about as dead as a tree can look, but I gave it water anyway, and now little green leaves are popping out all over it, so I'm not giving up hope on the JBFM plant just yet. We'll see. Hope springs eternal! The Pamela (yellow) and the White one (white) are doing just great, even in this heat, so it's not us or our weather.

I am exhausted almost all the time. No reason why that I know of, just been that way for years. I also have no tv. I stopped watching it some years ago for some reason I can't remember now. I still get distracted, just by different things. I agree with you about walking. I don't go outside very much at all now but I walk here, well, I pace and stuff like that. I feel like I want to keep moving and using my body... I was cheering you on throughout this post. Go, honeybera!

Might you just be depressed? I don't know that, but I'm just asking. Only answer if you're comfortable doing so.

I am most enthusiastic about getting in more movement, especially walking! Our mailbox is clear down the block and it's quite a walk, but DS does it now. I may take it over soon. I believe in "use it or lose it". At nearly 76 yrs. old, if I don't begin moving more now, I may not be ABLE to move soon! And that will not do at all!! When I had LOST the ability to walk when my gout came roaring back (due to my surgeon and her assistant forbidding me from taking my Tart Cherry and Celery Seed supplements long before and long after bc surgery), I can now see just how horrible it would be to NOT BE AMBULATORY (able to walk)! I am so blessed to have that ability and don't want to lose it at any time! It taught me a lesson!!

I do have a TV. In fact, I have several in various rooms. For me, it's just that I can't plant my butt in a chair and watch them all day and then complain that I'm getting too little done around here. Everything in moderation is better for me. That takes a fair amount of self discipline. For me, self discipline can be a slippery slope with my life's history; there's a sweet spot that can be accomplished, but I have to be strict enough without being mean to myself. I can right now hear my dear Grandma cooing to me gently, "C'mon now, Sweetheart. It's time for bed." or some other guidance. Maybe I didn't WANT to go to bed right then, so she'd read me a story out of the book Mixed Pickles and I'd stare at the bare light bulb in the ceiling light fixture and the next thing I knew, it was morning. Gentle, but firm. VERY gentle! But gently insistent, too. I'm trying to recreate that lovely, sweet voice that I can still hear inside my own head: "C'mon now, Sweetheart. It's time to do the dishes (or water the plants or make some potting soil or some blueberry muffins). You'll feel so much better once it's done." And I totally DO!

AND AMAZINGLY, IT'S BEEN WORKING FOR ME!!!!!!!!! I know this may seem like very little (but it's NOT!) - I SET UP ONE OF THOSE BIG BOWLS OF POTTING MIX!!!!!!! LOADED IT UP WITH LOTS OF COMPOSTED WORM CASTINGS (YES!! FROM THE FORMERLY UNOPENED BAG!! WHOO-HOO!!), AND SEEDLING SOIL, AND Mycorrhizal Inoculant Organic Root Enhancer (to help those little roots establish themselves) AND SOME NICE BONE MEAL, TOO! I mixed that all up and added water, lots of water, and mixed and mixed and mixed! It's all ready now for tomorrow morning with some blessed plant to sink its roots down into such a welcoming concoction! I'm pretty proud of myself! Thank you, Grandma! You showed me how. ♥♥♥

I also cleaned up the disaster in the dog's pen, put away the dishes from the dishwasher (DS's job) and reloaded the d/w and hand washed all of the pots and pans. Tomorrow's chores are lining themselves up: Clean the stove top (it's a real greasy mess, but it cleans up very easily - it's black and a few wipes and rinses is all it takes), MAKE THOSE DARNED BLUEBERRY MUFFINS!, AND plant something and take it outdoors, probably my Horizon pepper plants that are under the grow lights still, and maybe one or two more plants off the outside table. And if I'm not dead by then...address the dreaded STORAGE ROOM!!! AARRGGHH!!!

One last thing: when DS came in from work this afternoon, he let me know that at Civic Center/downtown it was a whopping 116ºF at 5pm!!! It was hotter here than in Phoenix AZ!!! I brought the dogs into their nice, cleaned up, inside and air-conditioned pen and gave them some favorite chew treats, some laced with peanut butter (their favorite) and kept them inside until after dark. It was still plenty hot outside, but not as bad as with the sun beating down on them. They are mostly black furred. Very short hair, but black. They give new meaning to the words, "Hot dogs!" I let them stay out until around 10pm. It's after midnight here and it's still 86º! Tomorrow 109º or so...and the same every day until Sat. But we'll get through this.

That said, I'm off to bed. I'm falling asleep sitting up here in my chair.

Honeybera - another day, another fried egg on the sidewalk!