Not ok

[igrowflowers]

Thanks, PoodleDoodle. Thank you everyone.

Today was not good because I heard from my Mom. She personally attacked me on FB chat.
I had told her that to have a relationship with me, she could not keep being abusive and needed to apologize for gaslighting me while I try to heal.
She refused. I was told by her current husband that he would "sue" me if I kept in contact about it, so I went zero contact...still hoping against reason that I would somehow be "seen" and Mom would mend things.
Nope. Not that I have done anything at all that is "sue"-worthy, because I haven't. Just empty threats to silence me.
Today, Mom sent me a message guilt tripping me that I did not reach out or send anything to her husband, who unbeknownst to me had a stroke during this time of no contact.
She said she "knows" that my kids told me about it, and that she is "disappointed" in me, thought I was a "better Christian", thought I had more "kindness", etc. Basically, I'm "bad" because I did not know about his stroke, even though they didn't tell me because I had requested no contact unless it was an apology (for very real abuse and then gaslighting about it, and further abuse from them).
It was news to me completely that he had a stroke. No one told me this. I had only heard from one of my kids that he was in hospital for a "vague" complaint, and that all was probably fine.
I was keeping my distance because of the history and the threats. Trying to heal.
I ended up telling Mom that I didn't know, that I am sorry he had a stroke, but that due to the threats and abuse, I am keeping no contact until the relationship is "healthy" (free of guilt trips and abusive garbage).
I pointed out that my children are not responsible to communicate to me for her, and that, should she decide she wants to engage in a healthy way with me, I will be happy to send a card.
No answer.
I'm feeling angry, because all my life I could never do enough to please this woman, and her rules are that she gets to treat me like crap but I have to be perfect (which I am decidedly not).
Not sure whether to send a card to her husband. Maybe, but no matter what I do, I am the "bad" girl to them and always was.

[grandma in pain]

Igrowflowers, I am so sorry. It's very obvious that your mother isn't taking on any responsibility for this and holding you accountable for all of it. I agree with you that it isn't your children's responsibility to relay messages or important information to you. If she wanted you to know that her husband had a stroke she should've reached out to you herself. However, it sounds as if she still would've blamed you for something, somehow, in some way.

In these situations, is there something that you do for yourself to help you get through it or help you feel better? You deserve a little bit of me time to help you relax. This is definitely something that she can't put on you. You made yourself clear back when you told her that you weren't going to have any contact unless you received an apology.

As far as sending him a card, I can see that being somewhat of a difficult decision. If you send one, will it be "good enough" and "appreciated" is what I'm wondering. And if you don't, well I think we both know how that will be seen as. So my suggestion is to do what you want to do. If you're really not feeling it in your heart to send one, then don't. Because either way you will probably hear complaints about it if you hear from her.

Keep yourself safe first and foremost. Take care of you.

grandma in pain

[quixote]

Igrowflowers,
They don't seem like they are listening to you. You just want to hear that they are taking some responsibility.

[poodledoodle]

Dear igrowflowers,

Oh, I am so sorry you have had to deal with this from your mother! I wish I could take all your pain and suffering away for you.

You don't owe them anything, you did the best you could and they'll never appreciate what you do or did. This is not your fault, you made the effort, right?
I don't know if you can cut things off entirely with them, but if you can, you might want to. Sadly some people never change their ways. They'll never admit to any wrongs, they refuse to look at their own behaviors because then they would find a lot of junk that needs cleaned out of their own soul. Most would rather project their own faults onto others. Nobody is perfect, but it takes a humble spirit to look at ones own faults and admit they have caused others pain. Many refuse to do this. It is difficult, but it can be done, but they have to want to help solve the problem too. Some people think that they are perfect, and nobody else is. WIth that "badditude", they won't ever admit any wrongs they did to you.

(((((HUGS TO YOU!))))))) You DO matter, please don't ever forget that.