New Here

[Peacefulharley]

hello
I am new here had abstained from SI for years and recently had a relapse. So with it comes all the guilt and sadness.
It came like waves . All these different feelings guilt shame fear anger lots of different feelings. I'm currently in dialectical behavior therapy DBT classes I'm working on internal family systems and repair until myself in therapy. However I had a pretty disappointing phone call with my father and it triggered me bad. We think our parents are supposed to understand everything that has to do with us but they really are just have no clue as well My father is pretty much the only family I have left and him not being able to deal with my emotions is saddened saddening. You think you believe that your parents can help you with everything but I learned at an early age that my parents couldn't help me with anything. My dad during my adolescence was very busy working He didn't know what was going on in my life. I told my mother what was going on in my life and she told me I was a liar and that it wasn't true. Devastated devastated absolutely devastated I was 7 years old asking for help. I felt like that little girl again on this phone call with my father We got through the phone call he calmed me down I was feeling better and I believed what he had said to me in those calming words. The call ends and I don't hang up as quickly as he thought he did I added on speakerphone I was family with the phone and I hear him start talking to my stepmom This is so hard to write. He says oh we've got our pity pants on again we're pissing in the pitty pot old poor is me wo wo wo wo And I was startled to hear him start talking in such a sarcastic voice and so I listened and they started talking about me and all the sudden I hear my dad say oh Dang it And I said oh yeah I heard that and then I hung up on him. Needless to say I was even more devastated than when I called I usually don't call him cause I know he doesn't handle it well but I was so desperate that day I was right between Christmas and New Year's And I'm all alone and I have been all alone for 3 years now no family arouno just like 2 people I trust and call friends I've been alone for the holidays and I made it through I mean it's through good but then this phone call absolutely crushed me into an even smaller piece of junk then I had already felt like when I call them I'm sobbing just writing this out because it's so painful to relieve But I have to get it out because it's eating me up so all of this Probably is not appropriate for my 1st post but I had to get it out and I'm sorry if this hurts anybody Or if I put it in the wrong room at prompt place. I'm so ashamed tonight and I relapsed again it's been so many years but here I am feeling like a little child young Child again lost not knowing where to turn.

[Rosahope]

You are welcome here! Sounds you can use a place like this very much. Sending you love!

Edited changed trigger warning

[Redisfinallyfree]

Dear Peacefulharley.
I’m so sorry you heard your father mocking you to his wife. He acted like a juvenile ass who needs to grow the F up. Just sayin. I’m glad you came here to share your story and your feelings. You came to the right place. No, your post was not inappropriate. Your hurt feelings are completely justified. I’m sure that plenty of us here can relate. I hope that in time, you will give your father whatever place in your life or out of your life that works best for you. You deserve to have loving and supportive people in your life, not people who bring you down and mock you behind your back when they think you can’t hear them. At least he had the decency to feel like he’d messed up when he realized that he had not hung up the phone. (Oh shit!). You don’t say that when you’re proud of yourself. I hope he SINCERELY apologizes to you.

Your feelings are yours and are not wrong. Be kind to yourself. Do something nice for yourself to help you feel better. This is a very supportive and safe place to tell your story. Welcome. I’m sorry you need isurvive but so glad that you found it and are here.

Sending you support and gentle hugs if that is okay. I’m listening to you and I believe you. I believe you told the truth to your mom when you were seven years old too.

Redisfinallyfree

[Peacefulharley]

Thank you both very much!!

[Oceantide]

Welcome, Peacefulharley, and I'm glad you shared your very painful experience. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I agree with everything Rosahope and Redisfinallyfree said to you. You deserve love and acceptance and I think you will find some of that here. Listening and caring, Oceantide

[Scars]

Hello, peacefulharley,
your introduction was perfect. I feel like I already know you. Speaking/writing about your pain is a very brave action. That is what isurvive is all about... speaking our truths, telling it like it is.
I am so sorry you are in such a dark place. I am with you in spirit. Just sitting with you, if you will allow me to, if it helps.
scars

[Serenity]

Hi Peacefulharley and welcome to isurvive. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here.

Your post is fine where it is as long as you are comfortable with it being in the Open Forum. You can refer to the email you received from me when I activated your account that explains which forums are viewable publicly and which ones are only able to be viewed by members who are logged in. If you would like to move your post, or part of your post, to another forum let me know and I can help you with that. Otherwise, you are free to leave it here if you'd like.

With care,
Serenity

[ChipmunksRunFree]

Welcome, Peacefulharley I relate to your pain and isolation so much. my father is also the only family I have left and the devastation is shattering I don't know what the answers are, but this forum is a safe and gentle place. You are seen

[Jonesy]

Hi Peacefulharley

A belated warm welcome from me - glad you found us

[Peacefulharley]

Thank you all for the welcome I am glad to be here