Always a hole in me

[pastelshades]

I have been feeling so crazy in the weirdest way lately. It feels like being paralysed, rooted to the spot whilst my thoughts race and spiral at 100mph. I want to move, take action but even the thought of doing so seems so complicated that I don't even know where to begin. It's as though everything I would do is composed of hundreds of different sub-tasks and I can't keep track of them all, let alone perform them. I'm paralysed with indecision and overwhelm. I watch and hear about people I know going on dates, getting new jobs, travelling places, learning new skills and I'm both in awe of them and vicariously terrified. Everything seems to move so fast, or maybe it's just me that can't keep up these days. I was housebound with long covid for almost 6 months, I'm only just starting to go out in the world the way I used to.. I read a study that said survivors of childhood abuse are more likely to develop long covid, which seems an extremely cruel twist of fate, but makes sense to me. At the time of getting it I was (and probably am still) living with my nervous system in a heightened state of stress, which makes you vulnerable. It decimated me physically, like a million little bombs going off all along my nerves and didn't stop until I sought independent treatment. There were times over the past few months when I felt I would never recover, that this was just my life. I seriously considered ending it during these times.. I don't know how I made it through.

Currently, I feel a bit like I've been reborn somehow. The pain is mostly gone, except for a faint ghost of an ache if I overdo it. It's the strangest feeling, I thought I would be overjoyed and initially I was kind of.. I'm not religious but thanked God for hearing me when I cried to him so desperately in the night. But I still don't really feel 100% normal.. my heart feels weird, pounding through me the way it never did before, and things in my body feel ever so slightly off kilter, which is unsettling. And I realised a sad thing: the more my health returns to me, the more I remember about who I was and what I was doing right before getting sick, and I remember that I loathed myself and that my life felt horribly empty, just throwing myself from place to place with people who didn't care about me at all. Doing hard drugs because they were on offer and numbing; I felt there was a gaping hole inside me I simply couldn't bear to be consciously aware of, I simply couldn't. I know I should be feeling joyous and happy at recovering but I just feel hyperaware of all that I lack.. and angry that what little distraction I had was robbed from me overnight.

I had an assessment with a therapist recently who told me she was amazed my mother knew how to be a parent to us when she was sent to boarding school at 4 years old and lived there until age 18. She tried, but she really didn't know how and she was and is so afraid of intimacy. I think that's the hole I feel in me now everywhere I go, even when I'm with people. It must be the absence of the warmth and nurturing a healthy mother provides. My father was the same, both of them were very cold to us children and barely touched us growing up except to slap us if we misbehaved. It's so sad to realise I became the same way.. intimacy terrifies me so much I can go up to 5 years without so much as kissing anyone. Being alone is tough sometimes, but at least I feel sane. Anyone trying to get too close, even a friend, triggers me into hardcore avoidance and I feel guilty for my behaviour but at the same time the idea sickens me. I wish I was someone else who wasn't so paralysed by fear all the time and who wasn't destroying their own life with their fear of intimacy. I'm so tired of feeling so directionless and empty, like I could disappear from the world and no-one would care. I keep trying to seek therapy and being told my case is too complicated for them. It's lonely and frustrating.

No pressure to reply, just wanted to put this somewhere.

[quixote]

Pastelshades,
Your post was very thoughtful. I learned a lot. I wouldn't stress about being told that your case is too complex. You just haven't met the right therapist, yet. You are always welcome here.

[Progress]

Hi pastel shades,

I’ll be sitting with you here so you’re not alone. I’ve been stuck in overwhelm before too. Like I cannot prioritize. Everything feels equally important, almost urgent and I don’t have any idea where the starting line is. So I do nothing. Frozen. I think I understand what you mean.

Somehow, sometimes I just throw caution to the wind and I dive into unchartered territory. I can be terrified, afraid to do anything. So like today, I promised the kids I’d take them to the beach. I said we’d go “later”. In my mind I was thinking there will be less people late afternoon, so I won’t dissociate as much because of fear of being around all those beach goers. I spent the day thinking of what possible excuses I could make to get out of this. Ugh I really had to follow through on my promise though. I felt sick to my stomach on the drive. Fear had grabbed hold. I drove slowly because I knew I wasn’t being a good driver. My stomach did flip flops. I put on a good happy face for the kids.

And then we made it. And here I am. My kids have no idea how much of a challenge this was for me. And what a success it was to get here. I never felt “ready” or “prepared”. But oh well, here we are. And now it’s time to get into my own head and ask my parts who is afraid.

Idk, pastelshades. Your case isn’t too complex for isurvive. I think a lot of people get it. We understand. I can be surrounded by people and still feel so alone. We can feel alone together! You deserve understanding.

Sending you a warm snuggy blanket, soft slippers, a nice iced tea or whatever you’d like in your cup,

Progress

[pastelshades]

Pastelshades,
Your post was very thoughtful. I learned a lot. I wouldn't stress about being told that your case is too complex. You just haven't met the right therapist, yet. You are always welcome here.

Thank you quixote, I really appreciate your kind words.

[glacial]

Sounds like many a day. I've often only been able to sense what those good, caring things must be like, only by finding that boundary between where they ought to be and the hole they've left by not being there. Definitely felt a great hollowness... you're not alone on this. Take care.

[pastelshades]

I’ll be sitting with you here so you’re not alone. I’ve been stuck in overwhelm before too. Like I cannot prioritize. Everything feels equally important, almost urgent and I don’t have any idea where the starting line is. So I do nothing. Frozen. I think I understand what you mean.

Hi Progress,

I teared up reading your reply, it never fails to astound me how well people get it here. I have such a hard time feeling understood by others in the outside world, sometimes I feel I want to give up trying, but here is completely different.

"Everything feels equally important, almost urgent and I don’t have any idea where the starting line is. So I do nothing. Frozen." you describe it perfectly, it's like everything demands my immediate attention and I'm immobilised by confusion.

Your story of going to the beach gives me hope and inspires me. You're right, maybe we won't feel "ready" or "prepared" but it's okay. I'm about to go on holiday for the first time in 3 years (alone)! Despite feeling anxious I know I'll get there and it will all be alright.

Much appreciated,
pastelshades

[Progress]

Yay pastelshades!
Going on holiday! You can do it! I hope you have wi-fi so you can post about the good stuff and the challenging stuff.

I remind myself that I need my wallet (money, ID), purse, phone, medication. Wear pants, wear shoes. A shirt. Make sure I’m dressed, haha. (Seriously, I get so dissociated sometimes, I have to check if I have clothes on because I’m afraid that I *think* I’m dressed, but actually maybe I forgot to get dressed, and what if I’m walking around in my undies?) Weird. But that’s dissociation for you.

Anyway, everyplace I go, they have stores. If I forget my toothbrush, or a phone charger, or even shoes, guess what, I can buy it at a store there. When I remember that yes, they do have stores where I’m going, it helps my feelings of “not being ready”. I know that this doesn’t help my fear of dissociation while in stores! Because stores are a bit scary to me. But idk, I unpack one problem at a time.

I think a lot of my “not feeling ready” has to do with not having certain adult Me’s fronting. Some are real fireballs, some parts are terrified of going places. I think my whole brain “doesn’t feel ready” if I haven’t switched to a part that is super confident and competent in the here and now. But that’s another story.

Pastelshades, I really hope you have a wonderful time! I’m so excited for you!! I’m really looking forward to your holiday posts!!! Other people don’t understand the courage it takes. We are staring down the tigers and carrying on when we do things like go to the beach or go on holiday!

Progress

[quixote]

pastelshades,
So glad you are going on holiday. You deserve it!