Difference between being emotional and Bipolar?

[greendreamdays]

What is the difference? I convinced a couple psychiatrists I had bipolar 2 in the past but they were not good psychiatrists and were clueless about how to help otherwise. I am reading a book on bipolar right now and I definitely am rediscovering that I feel a lot of hypomania at times. The euphoria, things coming together, feeling significantly more energetic, optimistic, overall feeling good. Can also turn into self-destructive anxiety spirals though if I'm feeling anxious, fearful, or angry. But mostly I associate hypomania with just feeling good and like things are right in the world, at least to some degree. The simplest things have an infinite amount of beauty and meaning. These periods are generally spaced out by periods of depression, though my depression is very functional and my mood is pretty frequent ups and downs hour to hour, and certainly less day to day. I think maybe the more frequent ups and downs would be the borderline, and the weeks of depression or not depression or optimism would be the bipolar.

So what is the difference between the natural highs and lows of life and bipolar 2? Does it not simply enhance what is already there? Can that really be called a disorder? Or would it be more bipolar spectrum? If the highs come from pleasant euphoria after weeks of off-and-on lowish grade depression, I would call it relief, not disorder. I can hardly imagine feeling good for once being part of a condition that wouldn't or "shouldn't" be there if things were working "right."

I can't imagine feeling that my most peaceful, beautiful, meaningful mystical experiences of oneness with the universe and genuine contentedness and harmony within myself could be chalked up to mental illness. It just doesn't seem right, especially considering those feelings don't come with a downside other than the fact that they are transient like all other emotional states. I would not want to live without the ability to have those feelings, they help me through some of my worst times and darkens moments. They are not accompanied by psychosis, impulsivity, or risky behavior, or self-aggrandizement. It just seems like a normal shift after periods of darkness. Except sometimes when it's not, when high energy is coupled with anxiety, boredom, or anger then things get dicey, a little impulsive and destructive. But I suspect I'm kind of like that anyway. Hypomania perhaps, but I would not call that euphoria.

Is this hypomanic euphoria I feel perhaps like a silver lining to possible bipolar, like high sensitivity and empathy often are to borderline and eating disorders? Is this like the greater capacity for compassion after a period of deep loss and grief? Or am I pathologizing a typical cycle of emotional experiences?

As a sidenote I first watched Silver Lining's Playbook when I was a teenager, and I didn't find anything odd with the behavior of the Jennifer Lawrence character until I watched it when I was older a few years ago. I thought she was so relatable, normal, maybe a little emotional like me, sometimes impulsive. I just thought it was terrible how he treated her. It was not until I was an adult watching it a few years ago that I realized how erratic and impulsive her behavior was and that I felt very much like that too.

[greendreamdays]

I say I "convinced" my psychiatrists at the time because I felt like I had to convince them of my dysfunction and suffering. They were clueless unless I spelled it out to them in great depth. I had a very flat affect, was overly compliant, good hygiene, good grades, orderly, but I was suffering immensely, hid my symptoms, my self harm did not leave lasting marks, uncontrollable mood swings, did not respond to medication, and no measurable symptoms other than a few almost-suicide attempts. They missed the eating disorder completely despite being at its height, OCD, borderline, and did not discuss dissociative disorders as I had very little knowledge about them at the time. I would research mental health conditions for hours trying to figure out what was happening to me and why I was feeling this way and doing those things. One reclined to even do a blood test for vitamin deficiencies and thyroid problems and other causes (something now I would see as a red flag or make them document their refusal and explain their shoddy reasoning), told me a I couldn't have an eating disorder because I wasn't underweight (not true), wouldn't test me for anxiety because she said my main problem was depression (I later discovered my anxiety actually causes my depression and is the bigger issue), and stopped believing my laundry list of unusual side effects to the medications she was prescribing me. When I came to her one asking if I had bipolar (she had rejected borderline the session previous) she prescribed me mood stabilizers which made me look even more bipolar with what appeared to be depression during the daytime and hypomania at night that was a complete nightmare even when it wasn't even at a "therapeutic dose."

Then when I was hospitalized a few months later for suicidal ideation I talked to the psychiatrist there about bipolar as I was not responding to the antidepressants and he put me on such a high dose of lithium that I made me vomit and pass out shortly after the second dose. I know that lithium can be a truly lifesaving drug for some people with bipolar so I can't fault him for kind of prescribing me an overdose because no one could have predicted (unless it was a medical error based on weight or something but I didn't ask) but it was still very harmful despite everyone's best intentions. He asked me for ideas, I initiated asking for bipolar meds since the depression meds weren't working. That was the result. Tried some other mood stabilizers and it made me feel severely dissociated, messed with my memory, shaky hands, stutter, mild tardive dyskinesia the only thing that made me not want to kill myself was the idea that I would feel better if I got off the meds which is exactly what happened.

I would never want to convince anyone out of psych meds or mental health help. It can be truly lifesaving and my biochemistry with medication is more the exception than the rule, this is simply some of my experiences, everyone is different. I trust everyone to be able to take care of themselves and take every post and to read with discretion and discernment. I would never want to dissuade anyone from getting help just because something didn't work for me. I just feel like I still need a place to share these experiences because otherwise I'll explode. I don't like holding them in. I have to trust people will take care of themselves and not swear off medication or psychiatrists or hospitals just because of something I wrote.

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Reading along greendreamdays. Sending my support for your explorations and discoveries.

I really can’t help with figuring out labels and diagnoses, but I will certainly say I am so happy for you that you have those moments of happiness/peace with the world, and that the joy and knowledge of those moments carries over to the darker times and helps you through.

Peace and calm and joy to you, my friend!
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