why do I wish I was injured?

[wingnine]

hey guys. so this is really vulnerable. I feel like I can’t say these things out loud to anyone besides maybe my T, who I won’t see for a bit.

So, I hurt my foot the other day, and it was extremely painful. It got smashed between two metal pet gate panels (one side was several panels folded together). Anyways, I fell to the ground in pain, and couldn’t talk or even really breathe for several minutes. It was swollen, and went numb, and is still numb. Anyways, I noticed that I wasn’t really upset about it. Once the pain went away, I was almost disappointed that it wasn’t more injured. Like, I got excited by the fact that there might be a big gruesome bruise and that my foot was look horribly in pain. I got excited at the idea of me having an injury. A broken foot. I haven’t been to the doctor, but I highly doubt it’s broken.

Anyways, I do know that I’m a hypochondriac. And serious sickness terrifies me (covid, cancer, anything requiring a hospital visit). But I take my temperature often and when it gets above 99 I almost get excited about it. My husband is so used to hearing me say “Um I think I’m getting a fever” and him responding to “no you aren’t, you’re okay. Stop taking your temp.” And he’s right, it’s not healthy. I don’t know where this comes from. I do know that I was miserable as a child and when I was sick, I got taken care of and got a break from life, and got to lay cozy in my blankets and sip on soda and watch tv with no stress. Maybe that’s where it comes from? I mean, I don’t self harm, I don’t enjoy pain, I don’t enjoy being miserable, but I wish I was sick or injured sometimes. And I at the same time am slightly terrified of doctors, so go figure.

Maybe it’s because I have all of these invisible struggles, (C-PTSD, DDNOS, ADHD, misophonia, etc) and if I had something visible, like a broken bone, I wouldn’t need to explain myself to people? They would just look at me, see that I’m hurt, and let me rest? That’s probably a big part.

Can any of you guys relate, or have any insight?

[greendreamdays]

Hi wingnine,

Yes I can definitely relate. I go through periods of fantasizing about going to the hospital with some terrible injury, or getting a really bad diagnosis just so I could have some kind of external reason for my pain so I could point at it and say "Look, here it is, that's why I feel the way I feel." That usually happens when I'm under stress in other areas of my life. Maybe if I was in the hospital recovering from something really gnarly everything else in my life would be put on hold and I could just focus on feeling better. But I know in the end it would hold me back and prolong the stress. I also have a lot of health anxiety. I used to send my doctor messages all the time over the online portal asking her what certain symptoms may indicate, what we could test for, something maybe we missed in the exhaustive list of things we hadn't already tested for. At one point I was convinced I had a certain cancer. It gave me a lot of relief, prognosis for this cancer is generally less than a year after diagnosis, is very aggressive and usually has no symptoms until it is very advanced. I was almost totally convinced I had cancer for two weeks until I got a CT scan that proved that I didn't. I was a little relieved but largely disappointed. I thought maybe everything in my life was leading up to this point where I could live a spectacular and short life to it's very fullest and then have it all be over.

I have self harmed but try not to do it very often. When I do it it is often extensive (ie covers a lot of surface area). I really only do it as an absolute last resort for stress and I always regret it. Seeing the marks gives me an almost giddy sense of satisfaction. Sometimes I look at them just to feel a bit of joy because at least on that part of my body I feel a sense of alignment, a sense of rightness, and evidence of my internal pain on the outside. I also have many invisible struggles and find that often what I'm craving in those moments is seeing the evidence of the pain, validation. But I also don't usually show anyone the evidence, and none of the self harm have lasting scars, so once they heal it's like nothing happened. I like to keep it that way. Nobody can tell I self harm. I don't share my emotional pain with others most often because--while I almost never show it--I am extremely emotionally volatile on the inside and by the time I have shared my distress I'm feeling something completely different and whatever I had been struggling with has become practically irrelevant. I used to be much more expressive when I was younger, but I know that it really disturbs people to see someone so emotionally unpredictable whose mind is jumping from one emotion to the next like it's nothing. I still feel all that stuff...I just keep it to myself. Definitely not saying that's what anyone should be doing, just speaking from my experience. I think if I felt like I was heard and that my pain was understood I likely would not feel the desire for injury or illness or hospitalization. It's something I've been working on lately. Like with everything I think the more I lean into feeling and validating my emotions, the less likely it is to spill over into other strange cravings and impulses. For the first time in my life I have something I'm passionate about and working toward, but in order to be successful I can't be self harming all the time and I can't be in and out of hospitals when I feel stressed. It would make everything much harder. So I try to feel my pain instead of telling myself there's no reason for it or that it's not that bad.

[heavenlydove]

Hi Wingnine and Greendreamdays,

I think this is not such an uncommon thought for people which you both describe as feeling. Sometimes perhaps people need attention and care, or time out in their life so can wish something was up so they could get the care, fuss or rest they are desperately seeking. Or they feel they need to have a good reason for self-care or care from someone else, otherwise they feel they do not deserve it. Sometimes as you chaps state, it takes you back to an earlier time when maybe you were looked after (in childhood or adolescence) and you could just soak in the care and attention you got and enjoyed it. Maybe it was the only time you got fussed over by your family or was able to be fully lazy and content without expectation. So when you think about it, it is not so weird to have such thoughts.

I used to enjoy being a bit ill when I was younger as then my family would look after me, especially my mum. I would have all the attention I needed for once and felt sort of loved at that point. To feel like you want that sort of looking after from a present partner is not so unusual.
I haven't got a partner, but at present I can really feel that need to be looked after - except I haven't got anyone to do that for me. I really feel like I am missing out on the love and care from someone else.

[quixote]

wingnine,
Sometimes, it can be so nice to be taken care of. I don't recommend self-harm, but now I understand some of the feelings associated with it, and I'm grateful for that.

[wingnine]

I think all of you are right. As a child, I had undiagnosed ADHD, was homeschooled, and had uninvolved parents. Except for when it came to education, and then my mom was hands on, but not in a supportive way. I knew she thought I wasn’t trying hard enough, and was lazy. That has pretty much been my whole life. Add all of the trauma I experienced and the C-PTSD and the inability to work, not finishing college, and it makes total sense. I mean, as a kid, of course. When I was sick, I had a pass and wasn’t disappointing anyone, and was loved and taken care of for just being alive. When I wasn’t sick, too much was expected of me and I wasn’t given the right tools to meet those expectations. I was set up for failure, and then blamed for failing. Now, as an adult, I have all this baggage from that, my trauma, the sexual abuse, the many diagnoses I have, and being injured / sick makes me feel safer. I feel like I get permission from myself to take care of myself.

I am thankful that I haven’t felt the urge to self harm, all these things considered, I am surprised I haven’t found myself using that method to cope. I only have once in my life, and it was a act of desperation towards my abuser, and he ended up laughing at me and being condescending about it, so it didn’t work.

[Progress]

Hi wingnine,
I’m just adding to the helpful responses you’ve already gotten. I’m not sure if this is really helpful, but when times get tough for me, and I find myself wondering- am i unstable enough for admission to my favorite mental health hospital? And the I find myself wishing I could go back.

It’s because I felt understood and cared for. The staff was so nice to me. It was the little things that I wasn’t used to. Kind, positive comments here and there. Special use of the common room to prune all the old plants (that were planted months ago by other patients during arts and crafts hehe). I found it grounding and it lifted the MDD a smidgen, and they understood, and let me go in during the wee early hours before the coffee was even ready. I felt idk, special? Cared for? I felt their empathy and sympathy? I knew they were rooting for me, and that was, trust me my friend, in sharp contrast to the psychological abuse I’d faced my whole life.

Being admitted to the psych ward matched my experience. I was, what’s that called when everything you do feel say and think matches. In harmony or something.

I have to run and shampoo this hair dye out of my hair, haha, but thank you for posting this! It makes me think about it, and then I learn from it too!

Hope you have a kind, peaceful day!
Progress

[wingnine]

Progress, it is honestly so encouraging to me that you have had those safe experiences in the psych hospital. I have never been admitted to one, but my best friend has been and ended up with added PTSD from her experiences there. I have heard more stories like hers, and have been so sad and concerned for people who are admitted into those places. I am overjoyed and filled with hope, hearing your positive experiences. Thanks for sharing!

[Progress]

Aw wingnine,
Yeah I’ve heard horror stories too. Some of my fellow patients weren’t happy with their care while I was there. I think they way you are reacting to your trigger probably affects your perception of care too. One poor woman was brought in by her partner and she was screaming to the high heavens. Clearly very angry, and probably feeling like a caged animal. Getting admitted had to have been so traumatic for her. But they reworked her meds and she gradually settled down and got busy on healing and man she made quite a magnificent “values box” at arts and crafts! I still remember it! We decorated these little cardboard boxes and wrote our personal value down on slips of paper and put them inside. It was coolio.

When I got admitted the first time, I was LOST. Idk how else to put it. I couldn’t find the bathroom or the kitchen for 4 days. And one was down the hall this way, and the other was down the hall that way. 4days!!! I had no idea every time! I’d step up to the doorway of my room and have NO IDEA. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

Point being, I needed help just to get by. So I think I came in with a pleasant demeanor, smiled a lot, and had no idea what what was wrong with me, but knew something was terribly wrong. But I thought, these are the people who can teach me and show me how to get better. In some ways I was doing the old habit of “don’t be suspicious, don’t be suspicious” and trying to put on a good face in front of the staff. But as my guy politely and verrrrry carefully said time “you looked like, um, you looked like someone who was going through something”. Which meant I looked like he//. So I wasn’t fooling the staff. But they knew I was open to getting their help, and I feel like they really stepped up.

I went to all the optional sessions, i participated even though I had no idea what I was talking about. I signed up to go on walks. to the ping pong room even though it hurt. I made all the arts and crafts and when they suggested puzzles I did puzzles.

But my ptsd reactions and dissociation were in forms that were agreeable to treatment. If I was having one of my “pushing people away” reactions, it might’ve gone differently and been a lot harder.

Omg, I don’t know how I ended up babbling endlessly about all this.

I felt like I never said earlier that I understand how having a physical injury can sort of match up to how you’re feeling. You have all this pain and there’s nothing you can “see”, no explanation for it in the here and now. The pain is from our pasts. But then you break your arm and you suddenly have something external, something that feels “real” in the here and now, a broken bone, and it’s something that matches the severity of pain we already feel. Voilà! Temporary harmony!

In the end, I think it’s another way we sort of avoid going through our emotional pain. Watercolor said it a while ago, the only way is through. Ugh, it’s so true.

I hope you have a good, peaceful, calm day,

Progress

[orangeflower]

Hi wingnine,

I have invisible struggles like C-PTSD, they suck. I send empathy!

It can be nice to feel understood and cared about. For me, I stay as far away from doctors as I can, if I can. When very young though, as a young child, I had some ''ok'' experiences with doctors (but not with nurses)

I understand about breaking an arm... our emotional pain matching our physical pain (I experienced that at age 8 and didn't cry. The teachers said I couldn't have broken it since I wasn't crying. (hope this isn't triggering, I read your post before and wanted to post but was unsure...)

Thanks for this illuminating thread!

I hope you have a peaceful and good day today, again, thanks for sharing,

Orangeflower

[quixote]

wingnine,
I think I understand your wish to be injured. It seems like when we are sick or injured, some people are more likely to let us know that they care.