My Wife and I
Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2022 8:53 pm
Hello,
I'm new here and before I begin, I'd like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read what I have to share, as well as for any suggestions/advice you may wish to offer.
My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12. Despite the fact that around the age of 6 or so, I was inappropriately touched by an older girl on several different occasions, I do not consider myself to be a survivor (no effect on me); however, my wife most definitely is one, and was forthcoming about it very early on in our relationship (from approx. 9-13 by stepfather and another one-time incident at around 15). We've had some rough patches throughout our relationship, the most recent of which almost resulted in divorce and completely devastated me as an individual. So, in the interest of getting the best support possible, perhaps a backstory is needed:
We started our relationship very strongly and quickly. Within a month, we were living together and everything was...great. Then, probably within a couple months of us living together, things started to change. As if a light switch had been flipped off, my wife's intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual) was gone. I was perplexed at first and had no idea what was going on, and after starting a dialogue with her about my concerns, she told me that she doesn't know why it happened/happens, but it has in every long-term relationship she's ever had; I'm just the only one who has "stuck around." Being in love with my wife and an overall fairly optimistic person, I obviously decided to stay for the long haul and make things work. Time went on and although nothing improved, nothing really got worse either.
In 2015, we experienced a fairly traumatic household situation that had occurred while we were away on vacation. A few weeks later, my wife was unrecognizable to me, as she started drinking heavily and became very verbally and emotionally abusive to me and threatened to separate, which was something she had never done before. A few months later, she came home from work one evening and told me she was moving out, which she did a few days later. While away, she continued to drink heavily and incurred a massive amount of debt. Six months or so later, we got back together and things were the way they were before, but I was most certainly very happy to have her back in my life.
In 2017, she experienced another traumatic event via the death of a loved one, though this time she didn't treat me any differently.
Most recently, she told me this past summer that she loved me but wasn't in love with me, and was considering a divorce; she even had the paperwork printed but not filled out. Around two months after that I discovered that she had been engaging in inappropriate contact with numerous other men via social media/dating apps, as well as texting/sexting, phone sex, videos, etc. A week later, I found proof of actual physical cheating, and I confronted her. During the confrontation, she also admitted to inappropriate sexual acts (exposing herself) much earlier on in our relationship. We decided to try and make it work, and then a few weeks after that, I discovered that she had been continuing to contact these other men via her phone on social media/apps. All of this devastated me, and we've been in marriage counseling ever since.
Since last summer, she has been attending individual counseling every other week, which includes some EMDR.
I'm not here to vent, nor am I here in an attempt to "fix" her; rather, I want to do everything I can to understand what I can do as her husband to help her, and us. I'm also curious if the above listed behaviors might be a way of her "acting out" by being triggered due to her past?
Any insight or advice is greatly appreciated, and I'd be more than happy to answer and questions or provide clarification if needed.
Thank you.
I'm new here and before I begin, I'd like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read what I have to share, as well as for any suggestions/advice you may wish to offer.
My wife and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12. Despite the fact that around the age of 6 or so, I was inappropriately touched by an older girl on several different occasions, I do not consider myself to be a survivor (no effect on me); however, my wife most definitely is one, and was forthcoming about it very early on in our relationship (from approx. 9-13 by stepfather and another one-time incident at around 15). We've had some rough patches throughout our relationship, the most recent of which almost resulted in divorce and completely devastated me as an individual. So, in the interest of getting the best support possible, perhaps a backstory is needed:
We started our relationship very strongly and quickly. Within a month, we were living together and everything was...great. Then, probably within a couple months of us living together, things started to change. As if a light switch had been flipped off, my wife's intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual) was gone. I was perplexed at first and had no idea what was going on, and after starting a dialogue with her about my concerns, she told me that she doesn't know why it happened/happens, but it has in every long-term relationship she's ever had; I'm just the only one who has "stuck around." Being in love with my wife and an overall fairly optimistic person, I obviously decided to stay for the long haul and make things work. Time went on and although nothing improved, nothing really got worse either.
In 2015, we experienced a fairly traumatic household situation that had occurred while we were away on vacation. A few weeks later, my wife was unrecognizable to me, as she started drinking heavily and became very verbally and emotionally abusive to me and threatened to separate, which was something she had never done before. A few months later, she came home from work one evening and told me she was moving out, which she did a few days later. While away, she continued to drink heavily and incurred a massive amount of debt. Six months or so later, we got back together and things were the way they were before, but I was most certainly very happy to have her back in my life.
In 2017, she experienced another traumatic event via the death of a loved one, though this time she didn't treat me any differently.
Most recently, she told me this past summer that she loved me but wasn't in love with me, and was considering a divorce; she even had the paperwork printed but not filled out. Around two months after that I discovered that she had been engaging in inappropriate contact with numerous other men via social media/dating apps, as well as texting/sexting, phone sex, videos, etc. A week later, I found proof of actual physical cheating, and I confronted her. During the confrontation, she also admitted to inappropriate sexual acts (exposing herself) much earlier on in our relationship. We decided to try and make it work, and then a few weeks after that, I discovered that she had been continuing to contact these other men via her phone on social media/apps. All of this devastated me, and we've been in marriage counseling ever since.
Since last summer, she has been attending individual counseling every other week, which includes some EMDR.
I'm not here to vent, nor am I here in an attempt to "fix" her; rather, I want to do everything I can to understand what I can do as her husband to help her, and us. I'm also curious if the above listed behaviors might be a way of her "acting out" by being triggered due to her past?
Any insight or advice is greatly appreciated, and I'd be more than happy to answer and questions or provide clarification if needed.
Thank you.