Not sure what to do for a friend

[Shelly]

So I have a close friend that has opened up to me about her marriage. I’ve even heard some conversations between them that were not okay. I feel as though she’s being mentally abused and sexually coerced. He tells her pretty much constantly while he’s home that she knows what he wants (sex) and he continues until she gives in. There are many more things I’ve heard and been told and I don’t think she’s in an okay relationship.

He also seems very selfish to me. He never seems to care what she wants/needs it’s all about what he wants/needs and making her feel guilty for being a bad wife, or that he will have to go get what he needs somewhere else bc she isn’t giving it to him and he can’t keep doing it, or accusing her of having an affair.

I feel like I need to save her and make her realize what’s going on but it’s like she truly can’t see it. Which I do understand from past situations I’ve been in. But it’s hard to see my friend in a bad situation. I know that I can’t make anything change but I just feel lost. I’m trying to find the line between being supportive and trying to push that the relationship is not okay and she deserves better.

[Oceantide]

Hi Shelly,
That's a very hard situation. In my experience it's hard to wake people up to the fact that they're in abusive situations unless they're seeking help. Even if they seek help, it is often hard for them not to go back into denial (in my own marriage it took me a long time to wake up to what was going on). Sometimes I've had to distance myself from my friend(s) because it was too upsetting for me to witness or hear about abusive dynamics when my friends were unable to change. I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I really feel for you and for your friend and the challenge of the situation.

[coconuts]

I have friends in just this situation. While its hard to see them struggle I just try and support them. I point out abusive trends and remind them that they are worth better treatment. I talk to them about what kind of marriage they would want their own children in. Would they want want their daughter or son in a similar marriage.

Anyways we can't understand all the nuances of living in an abusive relationship. Often you feel stuck for a number of reasons. Some of them may be seriously limiting and difficult to get past, financial dependence, limited abilities due to health, lack of support, lack of emotional strength, simply not knowing how of what to do, fear of change, shame over the current situation getting so bad, fear of retaliation, lack of a support system, etc. Every situation is different. Also abuse over time eats away at a person psychologically. It makes you feel lesser, it makes you take blame for what isn't yours. The sheer amount of gaslighting and manipulation involved in especially spousal abuse is just intense. It isn't like some big huge wham they are being abusive, its like they slide casually and stealthily right into these abusive behaviors and before we realize it we are being abused and controlled.

So in the end I just tell them I'm sorry for the situation they are in and I try and help them see that they have worth, that they don't deserve the abusive treatment, they they are strong, that they are intelligent, loving, kind, etc. Just trying to ease over a few of those wounds with compliments and love from my end. Because ultimately it is their life and their choice and they are already being controlled by their spouse, they don't need someone else trying to run their life too.

So I guess the short answer, (which is entirely impossible for me to just give) is just care and love and support.

[Watercolor]

You've received some good responses here. I agree.

I find this paragraph by coconuts especially well written and compelling:

Anyways we can't understand all the nuances of living in an abusive relationship. Often you feel stuck for a number of reasons. Some of them may be seriously limiting and difficult to get past, financial dependence, limited abilities due to health, lack of support, lack of emotional strength, simply not knowing how of what to do, fear of change, shame over the current situation getting so bad, fear of retaliation, lack of a support system, etc. Every situation is different. Also abuse over time eats away at a person psychologically. It makes you feel lesser, it makes you take blame for what isn't yours. The sheer amount of gaslighting and manipulation involved in especially spousal abuse is just intense. It isn't like some big huge wham they are being abusive, its like they slide casually and stealthily right into these abusive behaviors and before we realize it we are being abused and controlled.

I'm thinking, it's tough for her to stay afloat in that situation and for that reason, she may find it necessary to tell herself and to believe a story that insists things are better than they are. And which refuses to define the ill treatment as abuse. There indeed could be so many reasons. It's sad that she may not acknowledge it unless and until she finds life with him completely unbearable. Or something occurs to completely rock their boat.

Like Oceantide, it took me a long time to wake up, myself. Even then, a professional had to say it over and over to me before I could take it in.

Wishing you the best with your friend.

[Scars]

Shelly,
every time she shares something with you, respond with 'you deserve better' until she believes it and ask for help.
you can't do anything until she is ready.
keep loving her and wait.
scars

[Gurglesnap]

I liken these situations to almost along the same lines, as something liken these situations like a kind of an addiction. They are not the same. but there are parallels. People fall into patterns, and it can be difficult to get out. Whether it be unhealthy behaviors, for many reasons; money considerations, children may be involved, families step in, friends on both sides weigh in,the person may be frightened and not know what to do...etc.....etc. Obviously they are not the exact same, they just have many things in common. I am very sorry for your friend, no one should have to live this way. Often it takes the intervention of a professional to stop this kind of thing, another parallel. I truly, hope they are liberated from this soon. Be there, and just be there for them. The person doing this is, by my way a narcissist and just a, well not a very good person. Best of luck to you and your friend.

[Shelly]

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I appreciate all your responses. It is a very hard situation. I’m going to continue to support her the best I can and hope she can get to a better place.

[Watercolor]

I hear you. I hope she will become willing to face hard truths about her situation.