“I hate myself”

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

“I hate myself”

Post by Chessgirl »

Does anyone else repeat the sentence “I hate myself” to yourself ? I do it after a painful memory or unpleasant memory. I don’t even realize I’m doing it and then I catch myself saying it and stop myself but i always think it’s so weird. It feels like an automatic response and almost robotic. I don’t really understand why I do it. I’ll catch myself whispering “I hate myself, I hate myself” randomly sometimes…
Chessgirl
Progress
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2021 10:18 pm

Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Progress »

My middle school daughter told me about some current issues with her genitals, which led to me believe she has long lasting issues from my father abusing her. I took her to the pediatrician and told her about everything and all my suspicions. Which was a huge powerful step for both me and my daughter. And the doctor was really proud of me.

Howeverrrrrrr,

I had a repetitive thought like you did, which was “I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dying.” I kept saying to myself I’m NOT dying. I did good! I never really explored that one, because eventually it stopped.

I head back to work today, ugh, so just wanted to let you know I think I have a similar experience. Idk where that thought/voice came from and Idk why, but it lasted the whole day.

Hope you and baby and whole family are doing well!!!!
Progress
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Chessgirl »

Hey progress

Yes this sounds like my experience! By the way I’m so sorry you had that happen to your family. How stressful and traumatizing. I’m glad that weird voice went away for you. Mine doesn’t happen all the time but has popped up throughout my life. It helps to hear someone else can kind of relate. What do you think happened exactly to make it go away for you? Just the stressful experience kind of dissipating ?
Chessgirl
Harmony
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Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Harmony »

Aww chessgirl,
I understand that painful: "I hate myself". It can be a negative introject. Many deal who feel self-hatred find it left over from the child abuse. You are not alone with these feelings. No human is perfect. We can not and should not be selfless robots devoid of feelings. We can not control any one else's feelings. We can not control all outcomes. We can only be the best self we can.

So what to do with the self-hatred?
Can you argue with that inner self hate? Can you propose self acceptance to yourself? If the hatred isn't working try the opposite action. Embrace yourself a bit. Answer yourself back. I hate myself but... am I learning to accept myself? Am I growing in understanding of myself and others? Add your own answer.

All this is far easier said than done.
Ignore what I said if it doesn't fit or make sense to you. Everyone is different. No one deserve to hate ones self. You are important to us here. Take good care.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Chessgirl »

Thank you Harmony

I do sometimes talk to myself and say “no you don’t hate yourself” I try to say what I imagine a good mother would say to me. Remind myself I am lovable and have made some mistakes but am not unworthy of love. It does help. I appreciate your input. It helps to hear of some ideas for how to handle it!
Chessgirl
Progress
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2021 10:18 pm

Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Progress »

Hey Chessgirl,

I’ve read and read and read Harmony’s post. And I’m trying to apply the knowledge to myself so I can relate to and compare to your voice/thought.

When I really think about what I said to myself to calm that voice down, I actually said to myself WE did good. WE’RE not dying. So I was definitely pulling up parts to give that message to them. Maybe the message got through to my younger parts and that’s why the thought stopped repeating.

But also, I think when eventually things got busy my “Mom” me had to kick in, and maybe the voice just got subdued, and pushed to the back. Like, the trauma dissipated, like you mentioned.

Ah, i wish I could be more help because what an awful thought to have- I hate myself. So painful. And so unfair that you were made to feel that way!
Building on what Harmony said, maybe you have to sort of chip away at it, and build up the “I love myself” side until it crowds out the “I hate myself” side.

You are a fabulous wonderful caring loving interesting beautiful human being! Be well!!!!
Progress
Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Chessgirl »

Thank you progress!! You are a beautiful awesome human as well ❤️
Chessgirl
Beacon
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Joined: Thu Jan 06, 2022 5:40 pm

Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Beacon »

That voice is a manifestation of shame. The best way to deal with it in my experience is to challenge the shame itself.

Imagine that someone else told you their story but the details matched your life. What would be your response? Would you judge them? Would you think what happened was their fault? I'm betting you wouldn't; so why would it be any different for you?

It's odd that we're kinder and more forgiving of someone else than of ourselves but that's the nature of shame. It creates a double standard with you on the losing end.

Really try to forgive yourself. It's a difficult journey but a worthy one.
Oceantide
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Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Oceantide »

Chessgirl wrote: Mon Jan 03, 2022 10:15 am It feels like an automatic response and almost robotic. I don’t really understand why I do it. I’ll catch myself whispering “I hate myself, I hate myself” randomly sometimes…
Hi Chessgirl, I hope you and the baby and family are well! And yes, exactly. I have had the exact experience as you describe it. For me I think my t would say it's programming. We've worked to remove it. I haven't experienced it for a long time so it may be gone, but sometimes it's layered into the system, so I'm not sure.
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: “I hate myself”

Post by Chessgirl »

Thank you oceantide and beacon

I agree it is from Shame. Thank you for reminding me to be more easy on myself and forgive myself. I can see how therapy would really help with this
Chessgirl
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