I'm just ugly sometimes

[greendreamdays]

This whole post is just going to seem really stupid.

When I don't think about it everything seems okay... except for the anxiety, depression and health conditions from chronic stress from unresolved trauma. When I used to think about the abuse and believe at least for a few minutes that what happened to me was really real, I couldn't do that and still accept that I was human. I just couldn't accept it. I simply could not have gone through all of that. I would become quickly dissociated. Time seemed to stop. Reality seemed like a weird computer game and I was just an avatar behind a screen, except I couldn't get out of the avatar fully. I would seem to just get stuck in this weird space where nothing was real and it felt exactly the same every time. And every time it happened I would think, "Great, I'm back here again." I don't know if that makes any sense.

I used to think that I had gotten to a really good place with my depression and anxiety because it has significantly improved over the last few years. But looking back now I was amazed at my ability to function at all. It's no wonder I ended up in the hospital. I was overfunctioning in what I thought were the most important areas of life--looking like everything was fine, keeping up appearances, excelling at any cost, academic success--and hopelessly underfunctioning in other areas like basic mental and physical health.

When I don't think about it everything seems okay. But my anxiety is still really high and while my coping skills are always improving, it's really far from where I want to be. I thought this was as good as it could get. But I'm working part time now and taking classes and I take really good care of myself and I frequently find I'm exhausted. My whole life I have spent an enormous amount of energy just doing the necessary tasks to get through the day.

I randomly remembered the few days I took a particular ADHD medication. I've tried a few. For three days I was in ecstasy. I felt confident, I felt free, clear-headed, energetic, I could just do the things I needed to do and it was easy. I had never felt that way before. I didn't know living could be that easy. It was just like breathing. I could just do the things. It was amazing. But when the side effects started kicking in and that feeling wore off I couldn't keep taking it. It got really bad. But it opened my eyes to what life could be like. Maybe that is what it is like for other people. It was such a perception-altering experience that I almost didn't remember it at all. But I do remember how confident I felt. So many less anxious thoughts. Everything felt better. I think that is what life is supposed to feel like.

This is going to sound really bad but I used to think that it was so stupid and childish to be upset or sad about the fact that the abuse happened. Because I thought everyone went through that kind of stuff and they all cried like stupid babies who needed comforting, but I was somehow different. I was strong. It didn't affect me. I could handle it. I was superhuman. How far away I was from the truth.

I am frequently disgusted by other peoples' attempts to comfort me. Not that it happens a lot. I generally think I give the impression that I don't need comforting. But when it does happen it fills me with hatred. How dare they think I would need to be comforted. As if I were not made of solid steel and wires. Do they even know who they are talking to? I don't need that kind of stuff. That's for babies and children. I didn't even need that when I was a child.

But if I admit that actually I crave some form of comfort, that actually I needed it the whole time but it was never an option, then I would have to admit that I still have emotions. That I'm just ugly sometimes, that I don't have it all together. And I will be like every other person who has been through abuse. Imperfect. Flawed. Human. Just like everyone else.

The idea disgusts me. There's no one I know who I can be that vulnerable around without some level of fear that I will be taken advantage of. Except one of my coworkers. I feel nothing but safe around him. It's calming and intoxicating. I just feel so safe. I just feel safe. And I generally am disgusted by the idea of being touched or touching someone in almost any way. But at work I feel this impulse to bump into him, or fall into him. I want to wrap my arms around him in an embrace and hold on for a while. He is the only person I have ever felt that way about. Nothing is ever going to happen. Not only do I not know him well, but he is a co worker, married with children, and also the manager of the workplace. Absolutely no room for mixed signals, not that anything would happen if we were in another setting anyway. I just want to hold him and to be held by him. Maybe I feel on some level he would accept the ugly parts of me. I think that's what love is. And how can you love someone without really knowing them?

I know I am generally disgusted by comfort but I truly cannot imagine looking at my younger self at the ages I was abused and telling that child that needing comfort is wrong.

[Harmony]

Dear greendreamdays,

First off, neither you nor post are stupid. We have no stupid members at isurvive. We have hurt members. We have members in pain but stupid? No stupid ones. That includes you.

Sometimes when feeling hateful to ones self it is useful to try something new when nothing else you have tried works. One that works for me is borrowed from the folks at dbt. That is called opposite action. When one feels called upon to hate ones self try opposite emotion. Try hating those who deserve it. Then try the opposite to yourself. It is not for everyone but it does work for some of us.

Meanwhile hang tough. This too will pass. Give yourself all the time you need to heal yourself. There are no rush jobs. Healing is not linear. It is up and down. Slow and fast. Forward and back but always moving onward.

sending hope and comfort,
Harmony

[Chessgirl]

Hey greendreamdays

I can relate to a lot of what you described. The stress and anxiety and needing comfort but also feeling repulsed by it at the same time. I, too, felt so much relief and almost ecstasy and confidence on ADHD meds. Being able to concentrate for once and not being distracted by my own anxieties and insecurities. As you said though, I just could not handle the side effects. I lost an enormous amount of weight. I’d have panic attacks when the drug wore off each night. My already bad insomnia got worse. I had no choice but to quit. I thought what a shame for those side effects, I could have finally had a normal life but nope. Now I’m just learning to function without anything. I’m always drained and always anxious and stressed. I feel your pain and I’m so sorry.

I like what harmony suggested about opposite action. I will have to try that myself. It’s so important to love yourself and know you deserve comfort and love and kindness. Rooting for you. You are not alone.

[quixote]

Greendreamdays,
You write very clearly. I was able to understand what you are going through.
It is so tough to figure out what we need, but keep trying. We as survivors have to be so careful, but one goal might be to let one person get to know you, if you can. If it works, great, but if not, try someone else.

[Gurglesnap]

Bad news you lose, here comes some comfort, or my puny attempt at it. You said something to the effect that people are not always where they want to be. I think that is a powerful statement. It is like a starship that has lost its navigonital array, and they are like "Where in the Hell are we?" We get lost some way this times. Just remember, there is a shining beacon still broadcasting and it is other survivors. You can always navigate to us. I am glad things have gotten better, I hope they get even better.