Depression, sadness, loneliness are constantly there

[Kokoschka]

I know l've been going on about this before... but l need to vent somehow...

So am l lonely because l'm constantly depressed and people avoid me like the plague or am l depressed because l'm lonely, that is the question... whatever. My GP recently suggested joining some activity group or circle where l live but then she said herself "yes, l know you're not into it". Of course there're topics l don't care for but the main reason l wouldn't is that l'm terrified of being rejected again, ignored, not counted. Like people pick up the scent of fear, neediness (what a horrible word!!!) and spot on, l've been detected.

I read, again, recently that not being loved and emotionally nurtured as a child causes one to remain that child inside, no matter how old. There's a kind of maturity to a person who grew up in a healthy and loving environment that those of us lack. I felt so myself many times... as if l haven't fully grown up.
That is why l'm good with not having children of my own. I think l'd be terrified of the burden and that l'd be a s****y mother anyway.
I admire those of you (Chessgirl and Coconuts come to mind) for going ahead despite it all and doing such a great job out of it!!

Our bodies and minds process and adjust to so much in our lifetime, why can't we have sone respite from all that depression, sadness
and memories. Why can't our system adjust to that.

I wish l had a couple of people who would accept me the way l am, without having to pretend and faking it. I remember this one b**** young enough to be my daughter telling me in this T group l went to "you don't roll, you're so boring" To this day l still feel like punching her smug face. I didn't know even then that the source of my troubles is the horrible EA l endured most of my life.

I admire but also envy (ugly word!!!!) Chessgirl for being able to say "l did a great job, l know l excelled in it". Thus is something l could never say because l never made it, let alone excelled in anything.

Ok, ranted enough, expecting a call from GP concerning my husband.

Kokoschka

[Chessgirl]

Oh kokoschka

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this loneliness and depression. I do understand. It seems for me even when I’m surrounded by people who love me, like my husband and child, I still feel terribly lonely. I think people who are emotionally abused as kids just look at the world differently, through a certain lens very different from those who had loving supportive parents. They just can’t understand us or how we see things. That is what I find so lonely, that no one understands me and how I view others and the world.

I could go out and meet friends but I just don’t think I would find anyone who understands me. The truth is we feel different from others because we ARE different from others. There just aren’t as many of us out there at seems. That’s why this group is so important to me, to remind me that I’m not entirely alone. I know this sounds so silly and when my friend suggested this to me I laughed and rolled my eyes at first, but If you get the Tik Tok app on your phone, it helps a lot. They have communities for everyone. I have recovery group on there and I join live meetings. There is also a community for those who have suffered from emotional abuse from parents. There is a community for everyone and it has helped me a lot with loneliness. There are a lot of silly teens on there that post their little dance videos but you don’t have to follow those people.

I did excel at being a mom but I’ve also struggled a lot and put my husband and daughter through quite a bit. I kept relapsing in 2020 and even cheated on my husband. I feel tremendous guilt still to this day and pray to forgive myself. I also get stressed easily and have panic attacks. My daughter has started mimicking my anxiety attacks. I also dissociate and stare off into space, which is when she yells for me to “wake up mama!”. I love her and for that I have excelled I suppose but I make many mistakes as a mother and it has made me realize I need continuous therapy and help. I always thought I’d be fine as a mom as long as I did the opposite of what my mom but recently someone (from tik tok) pointed out to me that that’s not good either because that is another extreme form of parenting. It was even recommended that I take a parenting class. Motherhood has not been super easy for me unfortunately. The love I have for my daughter came easily but that’s about it.

You are so an empathetic and loving wife, friend and mother-like figure to so many. I would feel honored to spend time with you and support you, help you through the hard times. I find nothing boring about you. Just want to remind you how special, worthy and loveable you actually are.

[Kokoschka]

Hello Chessgirl,
Thanks for caring, understanding and supporting. I really loved what you wrote about us being different!! It is so true, l have been feeling and suspecting it for a long time but can't get myself to face up to it and accept it. Because though we suffer a lot and go through hell so often, l think we're different but in a good way. It may mostly be detrimental to us, to the way others see us, we awake all kind of negative feelings in people. They dislike us, bully, mob us, ignore us but deep down l think they sense our otherness and resent us. There's a sensitivity, instinct, intuition that we developed that sets us apart from other people. I think we see and feel deeper. Differentess, any kind, is not well tolerated. I'm not pretending we're some kind if upper cast or something We pay a very high price for being the way we are.

Since l am not a mother myself it's very hard for me to comment on your little daughter's behavior towards you recently. I think that at a certain time in their development little children tend to copy a lot of what they see their parents do. I guess it's normal. To suggest you need "parenting lessons" isn't very kind in my opinion. You've done so well in this respect and have come such a long way. The best of parents make mistakes and don't get it right all the time. If YOU feel you require some support and guidance l'm sure you'll know in your heart what's the best way for you and your child to go about it.

Thinking of you, Kokoschka

[Chessgirl]

Hey kokoschka

You are right, in my opinion, that we definitely see the world more deeply! I often notice my husband and others I speak to simplify things and relationships and the way the world looks. I notice things that others around me don’t notice or pick up on. That is lonely! Feeling all these feelings other don’t feel. Knowing that monsters for parents is a reality, when some people cannot fathom that. Knowing that people can look kind and upstanding on the outside but be complicated, cold and manipulative behind closed doors. That’s a lot to wrap ones head around. I told my husband the other day that sometimes I question my own sanity because I see things that no one else sees! Ugh sorry to go off on my own rant. Just wanted to say I do agree and I do relate to the loneliness, depression and feelings of being different.

[Oceantide]

There's a sensitivity, instinct, intuition that we developed that sets us apart from other people. I think we see and feel deeper. Differentess, any kind, is not well tolerated. I'm not pretending we're some kind if upper cast or something We pay a very high price for being the way we are.

Kokoschka and Chessgirl,
Thank you both for putting into words things I have felt (and have tried to get from others that lack our experiences, to no avail). It's lonely, feeling and seeing so deeply. It's truly lonely.

[Kokoschka]

Hello Oceantide and thank you for validating our words.

My husband who has a deep insight into things (not because he's my husband:))) but because of all the extreme experiences he went through, has been telling me for years that I'm not imagining things... It is a fact that going through life the way we did and do has given us a different focus on life, it made us feel and see and be able to better observe and understand. I think we are very lucky to have found this place here and each other. We accept our thoughts and feelings, we don't doubt and judge them, we comfort and support.

Looking for people like us "out there" is very difficult if not impossible. Those who aren't and haven't been there are incapable of understanding. Maybe it has to do with my age, but despite all the pain and misery, I wouldn't want to belong, not anymore. Of course, better looks, some elbows or the "got for it" attitude would have saved me a lot of tears, pain, and shame over all my failures but not anymore. I can't say I'd rather suffer 'I'm not a martyr, and I still, stupidly, fall for the wrong people once in a while.

With a wink, my husband always tells me "the higher you go, the thinner it gets". And it's so true. Not much of a comfort in daily life but we are different in an ABSO-F****ING-LUTELY GOOD and POSITIVE way. (Dear moderators, excuse the bad words, am quoting the great Al Pacino).

Take good care, Kokoschka

[Kokoschka]

I need to vent again or l'll go nuts. Maybe l already am, just don't know it.

Anyway, this is hell on earth. This depression, these awful thoughts, and the rage!!! All the memories of the abuse, bullying and mobbing, it feels like l'm drowning in it. All that ferocious human meanness just because they could!!! As a young child, kid, teen, grown-up.

Had a pleasant phone call with our health fund social worker. She's no T of course but the fact that she listened did me some good. She said she listens to me talk and that l would be a real gift for any T. That my personal introspection is amazing... whatever that means... l want this hell eating me alive to stop! To just sod off!!! Aren't almost 71 years of this living nightmare NOT ENOUGH????? Apparently not.

Though l very often think about offing myself and the peace there should be in it, it's not what l really want. I'm also scared of death and my greatest fear is that l might be still alive while they put me away and nobody will notice... But, l wouldn't even know how to go about it. And obviously l couldn't leave my husband and the cats behind... l can't do that to them.

Stay tuned, soon to be continued, or not Kokoschka

[dancingfish]

You don't sound nuts to me, dearest Kokoschka. Just dealing with some difficult stuff, even if it's frustrating that it's there at all! I think it's good to get it out there, that wanting to do that and the indignation I sense in your words is a very healthy rebuttal of all that happened that never should have.

Hope you can find some kind, nurturing sense of care for you even as you sit with the hurt, frustration, and sheer unfairness of it all. You are a fierce and beautiful soul, I am very glad to have you here with us. :) Sitting with you (and a kitty or three! :D) if you'd like some company!

[Kokoschka]

Dear, dear Dancingfish,
I'm always so happy to hear from you!!! Seriously, l mean it!! Wish circumstances would allow us to correspond more. I sure would love your company, any time!!! As for them kitties, you'd better add a zero to the three, that's more like it

How are you doing? How's work? If l understood correctly you touched on some issues that were bothering you with your boss recently which were positively viewed and agreed on??? Hope all things are going well for you and that you can enjoy some peace and quiet. You deserve it too.

Thinking of you, Kokoschka

[dancingfish]

Aw Kokoschka, what a lovely message from you. :D Haha, thank you! And I sure don't mind some extra kitties around..!

I'm doing alright thanks, been busy and a bit worn out but having some holiday now. :) I saw your lovely post in my thread, thank you and I will write back! Your well wishes here are much appreciated too, lovely one.

I'm sorry to see you've been dealing with extra difficult circumstances on top of everything else. It's understandably hard and difficult for you, and my best wishes to your husband who I think you mentioned is going through some things too. Ah, that old remedy to loneliness of "go do some activities". It's well-meant, but I've not found it very helpful for me when I have underlying issues causing me to retreat and find it hard to trust, make connections with people. It also makes me feel isolated no matter how connected I may be - perhaps you relate, but if not then know your own truth is simply whatever it is - perfectly valid and true. :)

Sending you a whole bunch of well wishes and good care, dearest Kokoschka! Scritches for all the kitties who'd like them, too. :D