Re: Kokoschka says... is back...

Post by **Kokoschka** » Tue Dec 07, 2021 7:10 am

Thank you again ladies for your kind and welcoming words.

Eye dr. is happy with his job... as for me... l guess he must have caught a nerve while injecting sedatives as it still hurts around the eye. Hope it will pass until he removes silicone and he's gentler and more careful then.

As for this "new situation" we're in - l've written about it in my replies to you - due to my history, introvert, depressive nature it's extremely difficult for me not show it and pretend things are fine. I admire my husband how well he deals with it most of the time.

Looking back on my own life l think there's just luck or fate, whatever we want to call it, and that l must have been standing in the wrong line all along. I hoped these years would be kinder but it's nothing but wishful thinking. Sometimes l wish we could just disappear, the two of us and the cats and find peace and quite.

Sorry guys, wish l could be more cheerful... Kokoschka

Post by **coconuts** » Wed Dec 08, 2021 2:50 am

Aww sorry its all so hard. Sometimes it feels like we just get the crap.end of the stick over and oved. I wish your husband and you werent facing this and i hope you find comfort. Sorry im short on words today. Just wantef to let you know im listening.

Post by **Chessgirl** » Wed Dec 08, 2021 3:24 am

Kokoschka

I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now. I do understand that feeling like you have just had the worst luck your whole life. I’m so sorry. It all feels so unfair and I wish you didn’t have to continue to suffer. You are very much appreciated and loved. Please remember how important and worthy you are. Sounds like your husband is really handling things well but I can only imagine the stress and fear this has brought you both. You are in my thoughts.

Post by **Kokoschka** » Wed Dec 08, 2021 4:10 am

Thanks Coconuts

Regardless of their length your comments are always much appreciated. Wishing us all some comfort, reassurance, simply some peace of mind.

Kokoschka

Post by **Kokoschka** » Wed Dec 08, 2021 5:14 am

Thank you too dear Chessgirl!!! For your words and thoughts. Hope you are doing fine and looking forward to the great event

. Wishing you that the remaining time is an easy one, relax and rest and as much as possible keep all unpleasantness away from you and your baby. These are all vexations to the spirit (as written in Desiderata)

Don't know if you are familiar with the text. It's something we the oldies used to cherish

Take good care, Kokoschka

Post by **Kokoschka** » Fri Dec 10, 2021 11:50 am

No, l am not superstitious!!! No, l a'm not

and so l'm going to talk about it anyway...

Just wanted to share that contrary to my worst expectations appointment with my husband's oncologist didn't turn out as bad as l feared. I was terrified and obviously not willing to share with my husband my worst thoughts. When l couldn't take it anymore l'd go and spend some "quality time alone" in the bathroom...
At least for the coming six months neither chemo nor radiation are necessary. Further tablets and a once in 6 months shot have been prescribed for now. Luckily our medical service covers all his treatment including medicaments and train/taxi costs as we aren't exactly well-off.

But l wouldn't be ole' me if the first negativity signs and doubts wouldn't start to infiltrate my system again... What if????

There's a 24/7 hotline here for anybody in any kind of emotional distress. I haven't called them yet as l'm actually too embarrassed and depressed to be forced to resort to that for lack of friends or family. Which is the point where l close or start the vicious circle again about my f***ed up life and where all the memories, failures, the hurt and pain, the shame, the humiliation hit me like a tsunami.

Kokoschka

Post by **Chessgirl** » Sun Dec 12, 2021 5:52 pm

Kokoschka

I’m very pleased to hear that the results with the doctor did not turn out to be as bad as you expected. I’m still so worried about you right now, with all this stress and fear. I wish you had more support and love from friends and family around you. You deserve to be showered in that right now. I just can’t even imagine how hard this is. I would not feel embarrassed about calling that hotline. I’ve heard it really can help. Sometimes one little conversation with the right person makes the world of difference. Thinking of you. Hoping you experience some joy and peace during this holiday.

Post by **coconuts** » Mon Dec 13, 2021 12:31 pm

Oh such good news from doctors. All of that is so scary. The idea of losing people you love and being the one left behind. Its scary. Its facing our worst fears of rejection. Even though it's not a rejection, just the idea of being alone feels rejecting. I dont know i can put words together correctly right now. But I am glad it was good news from the Dr.
I get the hotline thing, ive always been too scared or something to call one. Way more worry and thoughts and fears go into it. So I just crawl inside myself and hide hoping the feelings will settle. Yeah not the healthiest but its what I do. I hope you can find some hope and light. Thay the worried and stress will lift and you can enjoy things as they are. Thinking of you

Post by **Kokoschka** » Mon Dec 13, 2021 1:56 pm

Thank you Chessgirl and Coconuts for your thoughts and good words

Spoke to GP today, luckily we can settle matters over the phone without shlepping ourselves to her office and she's terrific. Caring and thorough. Anyway, she's also pleased with the results so far as according to latest studies the bloody thing is treatable...

Coconuts, l'm really sorry you are in such a turmoil and that especially these holy... days are so tormenting. I wish we could sit somewhere, if you'd wish, have something to eat or just a hot cup of coffee or tea and talk and laugh and cry our heads off.

And Chessgirl you could join us and have some soothing and feelgood beverage. And we could comfort each other.

As for the hotline, l might really give it a try. Have been staring at their phone # for days now. But then, l rather retreat into my own private hell, this is what l'm familiar with. No need to talk, to explain and expose myself though it's really as anonymous as our place here. Will see...

Hope you two feel good and better and get to enjoy the coming holidays. Are you having snow or is it expected?

Take good care of yourselves, talk to you soon, Kokoschka

Post by **Crow** » Sat Feb 04, 2023 1:27 pm

Hi Kokoschka,

I have been away from this forum for nearly 2 years. Yesterday I logged in for the first time since then, and I have been reading back through some of my last interactions and activity on this forum. I'm not sure if I will be back here or posting regularly, but I have read back through our last interactions in April 2021.
The purpose of this post is not to drag up the past because that isn't necessary. What I want to say is that I am sorry Kokoschka. I am sorry for how I interpreted some things and am sorry for my attitude in some of my posts. I think we both owed it to ourselves to ask each other difficult questions, but overall, I can see the pain and hurt in our posts, and I was being reactive rather than conducting myself in a more caring manner. That is a direct result of our childhood trauma, and not because of each other or our real or perceived actions towards one another.
I am genuinely sorry for the upset I caused you. I can see now, looking back in after all this time, that I was swamped with stress and difficult emotions and was triggered and acting out through trauma responses.
In the time that we shared on this forum, you were always a kind, caring, wise, and supportive friend to me. I am sorry that my pain caused you pain.
I felt it important to say this, particularly as I see you haven't posted since the end of 2021, yet I notice you last logged in yesterday. I do hope you see this—for your benefit, not mine. This is about me trying to right a wrong for you.

I haven't had a chance to catch up on who is doing what or what is going on in life, but do hope that things are good with you.
I'll leave it there.

Take care,

Crow