Don't want to hold it in

[greendreamdays]

I’m just going to dive right in.

My (ex)stepdad molested me. It disgusts me to think about it and to have so many memories come up about it. I hate it. Nobody wants to read about the things he did. But I can’t repress those memories anymore. That's what he would have wanted. I don't want to keep punishing myself what what he did. I can’t keep holding it inside, it eats away at me. I used to feel extremely suicidal. But now when I try to hold it in I’m more likely to end up self harming. I’m on a clean streak lately, haven’t self harmed since my last job. It’s been a few months. I wish I could just journal it away. But it's not the same as knowing a real person is a witness to the pain I carried alone for so long.

Does it help to share the details of what happened? He used me like a sex doll. A receptacle. He would thrust into me really fast. Then he would be done and he would leave. I don’t remember feeling anything. Even in my memories it looks like I’m watching the scene, not even in my body. Not fighting back, just completely blank. I’ve heard similar stories, but it also makes me feel like I’m making it up even though I’m not. My mental health gets really, really bad when I try to tell myself those things didn’t really happen. A part of me knows that it did and cannot stand to be lied to.
I was about 9. I didn’t know what sex was but he talked about it so much. Groomed me so much, I asked him for it. I asked for it. Even though it wasn’t my fault. I had no idea what I was asking for.

The porn I used to watch was like a simulation of my rape experiences. (Nothing illegal or anything like that.) It always got me off the quickest. I didn’t realize until recently. I haven’t watched that kind of porn in a long time. I feel really aroused recounting this which I hate. It takes a lot of time to reprogram that arousal. It makes me feel like a horrible, disgusting person. And the dissociation I feel writing about it makes me feel like it didn’t really happen and it wasn't really real. Like it happened to someone else, but not to me. I hate it so much.

I feel like posting this is a mistake. That is how I have felt about my last posts. I hate this feeling. I don’t know if this will help me or how it suppose to help anyone else. I don’t want to keep feeling this way, I don’t want to keep thinking about it. But I’m getting triggered all the time. I know I need to process it. I've re-read this post so many times. I keep rereading and editing it. Making sure it is perfect and representing my thoughts most accurately, not saying something I don't mean. I wish I could just write it all down quickly and then submit it. But I just read it over and over again, editing a little each time. I'm so frustrated with myself. I hate this imperfect messy side of my life. It's not perfect, it's not neat. It feels like a big mistake but I'm so tired of feeling alone.

[Crow]

Hi greendreamdays,

I have found myself that writing out what happened, and details at times of things really helps me. I want to pick up on a few things of yours that you have written and comment...

But I can’t repress those memories anymore. That's what he would have wanted.

In doing this you are taking back control

I was about 9. I didn’t know what sex was but he talked about it so much. Groomed me so much, I asked him for it. I asked for it. Even though it wasn’t my fault. I had no idea what I was asking for.

Absolutely. You didn't know and you were groomed. It wasn't your fault. I'm glad you can say that.

I've re-read this post so many times. I keep rereading and editing it. Making sure it is perfect and representing my thoughts most accurately, not saying something I don't mean. I wish I could just write it all down quickly and then submit it. But I just read it over and over again, editing a little each time.

I understand that feeling of making sure it is right, and making sure you say the right thing. Perfectionism is something that I struggle with too.
It read fine to me and I understood what you were saying.

You're doing good. You're speaking your truth and you're working through things. You are heard here.

Crow

[Olivia]

Hi Greendreamdays,
I understand..
i wish i could really express how much your words touched me.
I feel like they were my words.
Thank you
You are amazing
(I’m sorry if this comes off wrong)

[MerryRose]

Greendreamdays, I'm glad you said it instead of holding it in. Shame and secrecy is what abusers want. Telling your story can be powerful, especially if it releases some of the pressure building up inside of you.

The shame and disgust you feel about the details is not yours to carry. You were a child and he groomed and abused you. Abusers twist things in an attempt to make it not their fault. It's not their fault if you ask for it, or it's not their fault if you "like" it. (even though that's just your body naturally responding, and doesn't mean you wanted it.) So your abuser groomed you to ask for it, so he could blame it on you later. That is manipulative and it is not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault.

You are not making it up. Being "outside of your body" and watching it happen is a survival tactic. It's how our body and brain get us through something horrific that we can't otherwise escape. It doesn't mean that you consented or let it happen, or that it wasn't real.

You are not horrible or disgusting. You are so brave. Keep fighting. Be kind to yourself if you can.

[greendreamdays]

Thank you all for your kind words of support. I was really afraid nobody would comment I would end up feeling more alone and full of shame. While it saddens me to hear of others who understand these things it also makes me feel less alone. This site has given me so much hope. And it helps validate that what I went through was real.

I'm really beginning to understand that the trauma and social programming I received in my childhood before the molestation made me an easy target. I was quiet, I didn't share my feelings, I didn't tell others when I was in pain or when I needed help. I was very independent. I didn't understand anything about emotions. I was full of secrets. I didn't have many friends. I was isolated and lonely and easy became attached to any adult who gave me any kind of positive attention.

I am not sure whether I want to tell my parents what happened. They can't do anything about it now anyway and have repeatedly told me how much they regretted staying in relationships with their abusive partners so long even though they were also victims of abuse and were doing the best they could at the time. I don't want to make them feel like even worse parents. They already feel like failures because of what my sister and I went through. She almost cut the family out entirely. She became a sex worker at one point. And a partner of hers died by suicide, and another by murder.

Things were bad for a while, then my mental health seriously deteriorated my first year out of high school when I moved out in a way I would never have predicted. I was so emotionally blocked. I didn't know it was a protective mechanism to keep me from remembering all of those horrible things all at once. I went to college for a couple years, took some time off for my mental health. But I've not been able to have good mental health and take full-time classes or maintain a job or any romantic or many significant platonic relationships. I think it all goes back to my history.

I was taught to be perfect, never make mistakes, never upset anybody, to not set boundaries, not stand up for myself, not defend myself, not rock the boat, not draw attention. To be invisible or to make myself useful. And that my best use was predicting everyone's needs, not to simply not exist at all because I was such a burden.

I never would have been able to predict I would be on a site like this one day. I thought those things would never happen to me. But it wasn't one thing. It was so many things. My life was a living nightmare for so long even long after my abusers were no longer in my life. But I still thought I had a basically happy childhood.

I used to get so dissociated because I couldn't handle the reality of what happened. I still don't have all my memories. And just when I think I'm over it and what happened wasn't really that bad, I get really dissociated if I think about it too much. Just earlier today I was thinking about telling my dad. I kept rehearsing it in my head the whole evening but I couldn't do it. I completely spilled my cup of water on the floor and practically fell over my own feet just walking to my room. It's hard to talk or think at all when I get that dissociated. I forgot how bad it used to get. I may not always know why it happens, but I know my mind is still trying to protect me from remembering everything.

[Crow]

greendreamdays,

I am not sure whether I want to tell my parents what happened. They can't do anything about it now anyway and have repeatedly told me how much they regretted staying in relationships with their abusive partners so long even though they were also victims of abuse and were doing the best they could at the time. I don't want to make them feel like even worse parents. They already feel like failures because of what my sister and I went through.

Telling your parents what happened is a deeply personal decision, and no one can tell you what you should do. However, although their decisions to stay in abusive relationships wasn't done to intentionally hurt you as you likely know, it has had an impact on you. But, I would also think about whether they would support you and help you in your healing if they were to know what happened. And this next point is not on you at all, but think about whether they would believe you as well, and if telling them would cause you more hurt. (Not that that should be a reason not to speak up - you should always be believed.) It's a big step if you do tell them, and I understand how you don't want them to feel like worse parents. It's a lot to think about. Speaking up and releasing your secret may help your healing, but only you know what is best, and I am certainly not advising either way.

Also, how I and so many can relate to this...

I was taught to be perfect, never make mistakes, never upset anybody, to not set boundaries, not stand up for myself, not defend myself, not rock the boat, not draw attention. To be invisible or to make myself useful. And that my best use was predicting everyone's needs, not to simply not exist at all because I was such a burden.

Be kind to yourself greendreamdays. You are processing a lot and facing things head on.

Crow

[OneThousandApologies]

Greendreamdays,

I want to start out by saying that i don't think it was a mistake to share this. I think you are very brave for being so open, and by posting this your releasing the burden that wasn't meant for you to carry.

I would like to say I won't write a novel in response, but I don't make promises I can't keep!

Like others have said, I too can relate to what you shared. I honestly felt like I wrote it but didn't remember doing so (bar a few changes of detail).

You said you even asked for it but didn't know what you were asking for. I am glad that you know it wasn't your fault. It isn't your fault at all. Hold on to that truth.

I wish I could just journal it away. But it's not the same as knowing a real person is a witness to the pain I carried alone for so long

I feel the same way. I've tried Journaling it away. But I was never able to really write what I wanted to, in fear of someone reading my deepest darkest thoughts and memories. I found a little relief when I started writing many years ago. I love writing stories, poems and deep personal things for others to read. But I always write in the view of "others" and what they've experienced or what "I've researched" for the topic at hand. But I've never been able to show that side of me to anyone else so I always felt alone and my trauma was mine to carry alone. That's why I joined isurvive recently. I needed to be able to share and to have people witness my trauma, pain, guilt, and shame that I've carried for so many years, without judgment and with understanding and support.

Honestly, at least for me, it does help me in the healing process to share details of what happened. To finally be able to be vulnerable in a safe place, to let it all out and not bottle it up inside anymore. I haven't shared a lot on here yet, I'm still too shy right now, but what I have shared, has helped me greatly.

I know what you mean by how you don't remember feeling anything and your memories are like watching a scene. I dissociate myself from my trauma and feelings as well. But it doesn't mean you made it up. Our brains are designed to protect us when something traumatizing happens, often that is in the form of dissociation.

You are not a horrible, disgusting person. What happened to you is horrible and disgusting and NOONE should ever have to go through what you did.

I also struggle with perfectionism. I wish I could be carefree and not over analyze everything (I've edited this post 7 times already).

I'm really beginning to understand that the trauma and social programming I received in my childhood before the molestation made me an easy target. I was quiet, I didn't share my feelings, I didn't tell others when I was in pain or when I needed help. I was very independent. I didn't understand anything about emotions. I was full of secrets. I didn't have many friends. I was isolated and lonely and easy became attached to any adult who gave me any kind of positive attention.

I relate to all of this. I didn't tell a single soul what happened to me until long after i escaped from the abuse.

In regards to if you should tell your parents, I think that it is honorable to try and protect them. But in my personal experience; (this is long so bear with me) my dad was an abusive alcoholic. He beat us daily and was too drunk to remember what happened the day before, even what happened and hour prior. He got sober 6 months before he died (I was 21) and became a really good dad and person. I didn't want to tell him what he did, I wanted to spare him the memories of the abuse he inflicted on me. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore. I told him what he did to his four kids that lived with him (myself included) and he didn't remember any of it. But he believed me and he cried for hours. It broke my heart to see my dad cry for the first time in my life and to know that he felt like a failure. I felt really selfish at this point, which I'm never selfish, but I told him that one of my brothers sexually abused me and raped me from when I was 5 until I was 13. That if he wasn't an alcoholic at that time in my life, he might have seen the signs and might have been able to protect me. He cried harder. My heart then was shattered because back then he was in no place in his life to take on 4 kids after our mother died, but he did anyway and despite the trauma and suffering we endured living with him, he did the best he could while trying to survive his own trauma, and I brought up his failure as a father. But the fact that I opened up to him, as painful as it was, allowed us both to start healing, together.
I know that our situations are different and I'm not an expert, but if you feel like sharing your trauma with your parents will help you heal, then maybe it's something to think about? It could turn out to be the wrong thing to do. But it could also turn out, that it might hurt them to hear it, but it could give them a chance to do something now (when they couldn't do something back then), to help you through your healing process and maybe start to heal together? I could be wrong, but It sounds like all of you have trauma that no one has healed from yet, and could be beneficial to all of you. Just some food for thought.

Remember to breathe, take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

OneThousandApologies

[greendreamdays]

Thank you, I am grateful for every single one of your comments, long and short!

After some careful consideration I felt it was the right time and decided to tell my mom. She reacted just about as well as she could have. We cried. It’s the first time I’ve really cried about it. I hate crying in front of people but I rarely cry even when I’m by myself and I know I needed to let it out. Something I should probably talk to my therapist about. We spent the rest of the afternoon together, talking about this and that. Some about the abuse, some not. I didn’t share more than I was ready to.

It has changed our relationship permanently. And it gave us a chance to heal together.
It was interesting observing her reaction. It puts things into perspective. I tend to downplay it in my head, tell myself it really wasn’t that bad because I know other people have had it worse (I know I shouldn’t compare, but I can’t help it sometimes). I kind of watched as her life fell apart around her with this new information. I felt a lot of shame telling her because I knew it would cause her pain. But she said she would rather know. I had to remind myself that I hadn’t done anything wrong, I was just telling her what happened and it wasn't my fault or hers.

As much as I don’t want it to define me, all the abuse from both houses growing up--not just the molestation--has affected every single part of my life. It has been absolutely devastating. And telling my mom what happened has been a monumental step. I didn't realize how big a deal it was until I was still reeling from it the rest of the day.

Memories and symptoms and such have been coming through for years. The signs were always there, I just didn’t understand them then. And apparently neither did anybody else. I also went to great lengths to hide everything.

I haven’t told my dad yet. I think his reaction will be a little trickier to navigate. He has a lot on his plate at the moment and I want to be strategic about how and when I tell him. But I would like to tell him at some point.
It has been an emotionally exhausting few days. I’ve been trying to be kinder and gentler with myself especially when emotions are so raw.

Thank you for all of your support. <3

[OneThousandApologies]

Greendreamdays,

That couldn't have been an easy decision to make. But it sounds like the monumental step you took was the right thing, not only for you but your mom as well. I am glad that you were able to start healing together and now have a closer relationship with her. Reading your update was the highlight of my day. I literally fist pumped the air in your victory as I kept reading.

Side note, this may not be true for everyone, but I've learned that sometimes it's necessary to love yourself for having feelings and emotions. Embrace them. You do not have to love the feelings you had or are having (shame for causing your mom pain, crying etc) but love YOURSELF for have those feelings. As emotions arise, it's easier to suppress them. But the more you allow yourself to feel them and love yourself for feeling emotions, it can reconnect you to your feelings and that can aid in your healing journey.

Keep being kind and gentle with yourself.
OneThousandApologies

[Crow]

Hi greendreamdays,

Just wanted to say a big well done. I really hope this will help you on your journey to healing.

Crow