Still here

[earthhorse]

I was drawn here by Faiths name.

I have been coming to isurvive since 2006. About a year and a half after I confronted my father, cut ties with the family, moved countries and then hid my location from them - partially to protect myself while healing from abusive people, partly because I have been quite literally peak level terrified for my life since I disclosed to my father - something in me is certain I will be murdered if they have access to me.

I don't have a great story of healing. I don't think I'm in that place yet where I can say look at how far I've come - even though it's now 14 years of writing here, dropping in and out. Though, certainly I made some good choices along the way that were informed by healing and recovering from abuse as a child, (supported by isurvive <3). In fact all of my good choices have come from that place of healing my childhood trauma, I lose my way when I neglect it.

Since 2007, I was in therapy that helped in many ways but didn't heal for 10 years, at the end the therapist didn't have any memory or much idea of what had happened to me, my past or my story. She told me not to speak of it to anyone just to bring it to therapy, and then in therapy told me to slow down, not look but just feel one drop of tension at a time. We two became complicit in avoiding and burying it. I felt invisible in the end, no sense of being seen or real in the relationship, like two people living two different lives, an impostor and a fake in my current life. It was me, in not wanting to 'make things up',(do you remember old timers my screen name used to be 'cryingwolf?'), in being 'resistant' to therapy, only twice a month, perhaps once a month - my therapist in just trying to help me stay in the 'here and now'. Neglecting the fact that these memories and experiences are very much not in the past but in the here and now, pervading everything.

I have been trying to approach and deal with the impossible to imagine- sadistic childhood sexual abuse, incest and child sex trafficking. And I've been running from myself on a loop not of my own choosing. My pattern has been that I haven't been able to stay functioning and cope with accepting or reliving my memories ( this is how they come back to me as very visceral relivings) - when they are coming up or when they come closer, I just shut down, it's like having my strings cut. I would drift perpetually, in and out of high functioning to no functioning. Drawn magnetically in morbid fascination to the horror and frozen before it, like Walter Benjamin's angel of progress - eyes always open, unable to look back, moving inexorably forward propelled but not mobile, going nowhere, just closer to the end and with a terrifying knowledge and urge to my own self-destruction. My old therapist would just try and find a way to pull me out of it.

Four years ago I completely burned out, without being able to get back up and get back to my work and studies, or care properly for myself, be social anymore, regulate my emotions, sleep or structure and sense time. Then at last I found a therapist to help me confront what happened to me growing up. And in the last four years we have been working slowly, facing what happened with EMDR and exposure, establishing the right treatment protocols and supports.

I have been a marginalized and very vulnerable person in an objective sense too, I was on my own since 15, and of course long before that in many other ways, but it does make a difference when you are still essentially a child, and don't have a family home. The odds were not exactly on my side - I had nothing and I needed to create something.

In those ten years since I came here in 2006, before my current burn out, I am not too disappointed at what I did while on the run... It has always felt like borrowed time trying to fit as much as I could in. before I would be dragged down again into the land of ghosts. Yet, I got an engineering degree, I did a ton of fascinating and important work. I have remained in a loving long term relationship for 17 years of happiness and simple joy, I secured a beautiful safe place to live in a foreign country and learned a foreign language, secured a stable income, and established true and lasting friendships. It's like I was creating the conditions of safety and hope, to be able to survive processing my traumatic childhood.

Now, however, I know the primary reason why it has taken so long.

I am a survivor of mind control and torture.

It seems a lot of you have been a lot more courageous and willing to accept your memories than I, I feel a coward and a fool at times, I fled in the face of it, I thrashed in violent denial, I'd overshare then return to oblivion. But I can't blame myself for that either... the techniques used were very effective, it took many years to break through enough of the programming to tolerate this reality. At last, I can finally start fully processing what happened to me.

I get to go forward now as myself not a person at war with themselves. It's fourteen years later on here, 19 years + of active healing, but I am just beginning.

Love,
EH

[Crow]

earthhorse,

From a relative newbie at just over 8 months here as a member of isurvive, and comparatively lesser degree of abuse that I suffered, to an old timer who in my short time here and few interactions with, has shown such kindness, validation and wisdom, I want to say how much I see your progress when looking back through your older posts even just on this green site. You are a kind soul and so resilient and determined. It's people like you who have endured so much more than I could imagine who inspire me... not because of what you have been through, but your determination and desire to heal and thrive.
Thank you earthhorse for being your lovely self.

Crow

Edit: To correct spelling.

[earthhorse]

Thank you Crow. You brought tears to my eyes.

Love,
EH

[Jonesy]

Hi earthhorse

I, for one, are very glad that you are 'still here'.
Your depth of compassion and understanding for what others are going through continues to humble me... especially whilst you juggle your own healing. I hope you will be around for a long time to come.

[greendreamdays]

I don't think I'm in that place yet where I can say look at how far I've come - even though it's now 14 years of writing here, dropping in and out. Though, certainly I made some good choices along the way that were informed by healing and recovering from abuse as a child, (supported by isurvive <3).

I think this post is a great testament to your healing. You mentioned that it's just "now beginning" but it sounds like you have been healing for many years in many ways. Sometimes there is so much work we have to do before we can fully confront the horror of our experiences, but I think you already know that. Even though it might feel like you're starting, it sounds like you have already covered a lot of ground. I hope you can see that.

I also admire many people who talk about their experiences on this site and the support here can be so healing and validating. I also wanted to mention too, that even if you hadn't posted you would still be brave. Going through what you have gone through and deciding to make a life for yourself on your own terms, daring to be true to yourself, to protect yourself, and live a beautiful life, those are some pretty important cornerstones of healing. I am still working toward those things and I imagine I will for many years.

I did a ton of fascinating and important work. I have remained in a loving long term relationship for 17 years of happiness and simple joy, I secured a beautiful safe place to live in a foreign country and learned a foreign language, secured a stable income, and established true and lasting friendships. It's like I was creating the conditions of safety and hope, to be able to survive processing my traumatic childhood.

This is amazing! I am still working toward these things.

The things you have written...this post hits me right in the heart.

[Faith]

Hi, Earthhorse!

Never ever ever ever ever give up. Keep fighting. Keep learning how to love yourself. Keep pushing through. Find the inner warrior inside of yourself and take back the ground that was stolen from you.

The key to healing, even from mind control and torture, is love in combination with learning how to change the way you think. I no longer think like a victim or even a survivor. I now think like a warrior. Learn how to love yourself, Earthhorse. You are precious and beautiful just as you are.