On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

Progress

Thank you for your kind and helpful response. I relate to what you said about the displaced anger. I absolutely hate admitting it but I have that problem too sometimes. Working on how to direct my anger appropriately is something I’m dealing with right now. I wish I had a healthy hobby i was good at like painting or writing and I could do something empowering with this anger but I don’t feel like I’m good at anything. I spend a lot of time thinking and staring off into space. It is true that recognizing that my safe parent was not safe has been a huge step in the right direction. Thank you for cheering me on and sharing your own experience!

[Chessgirl]

Gurglesnap

Haha yeah vampire just seemed like a fitting name to call her. You are right that this stuff causes quite a bit of damage and recognizing that has been crucial. Thank you for your support and kindness!

[Chessgirl]

Coconuts

The situation with your father is similar to mine in that he was definitely not safe but seemed like the “safe parent” at the time. You are so right that not protecting us was really just a different form of abuse. That’s a good way of putting it. I’m so sorry you experienced this kind of confusion and feeling of not being worthy of protection and love. I see how my husbands dad would do anything for his daughter and son and i feel sadness for missing out on that. I feel tons of anger and constant confusion. It helps coming here and talking to people who can relate so I appreciate you sharing your own experiences so very much!

[Chessgirl]

I can’t stop being verbally and psychologically abusive to my husband. While I know I’m not a narcissist, I am starting to understand how hard it can be to control yourself from these kind of rages that end up hurting your loved ones. I guess that’s one of the worst parts about childhood trauma, hurt people hurt people. I am just riddled with anxiety especially after having a baby just a couple months ago and getting very little sleep. Maintaining keeping the house clean when I’m always running on 3 hours of sleep and have 2 young children to take care of is very difficult and I get overwhelmed. My husband works full time and overtime often so he needs a full nights rest every night. He offers to take over with the baby so I can get more sleep but I always tell him no because I need him well rested for work. I’m in a grumpy mood frequently because of this sleep deprivation and my baby is very colicky . She sometimes cries for hours on end . My toddler has been watching way too much tv lately because I simply can’t entertain her and play with her while I have an infant attached to my breast 24/7.

The other day my baby had something called hair tourniquet syndrome where a hair somehow got wrapped around her little toe so tightly that it had to be removed with a special tool at the ER. Sounds like no big deal but it was really scary and they even offered for us to go to the Children’s hospital with her to be monitored that day in case the hair was not fully removed and the toe got worse. Some babies have to get their toe amputated if this kind of thing goes unnoticed. She’s fine now but I yelled at my husband because I had gotten no sleep when we discovered her toe had the hair at 5 AM. he had to be at work at 9 AM so he basically said I had to take our baby to the ER alone and it was storming outside (I’m already nervous about driving alone as is but terrified if it’s raining or storming outside) and the baby was freaking out . I just told him he has to start letting me get sleep and helping out more with the baby. I made him feel like a bad husband and dad when the truth is I’m the one volunteering to stay up with the baby each night and pressing him to get lots of sleep. I have the breast milk and he could give her formula for a feeding or 2 but I always say no…

I told him all kinds of mean things. I was so mad I kicked a big box we had in the living room as hard as I could and my toddler saw me and started crying. I was raging. I apologized but then it happened again today. His aunt is coming over tomorrow and I had to get the house clean when he got off work. I can’t clean during the day with both kids so I could only get it done when he got off. I really projected my stress onto him. Telling him he never helps out and blah blah blah. Raging as I cleaned the house. He later said he was depressed because I make him feel like he doesn’t do anything around here and that he’s a bad husband. I had to apologize again about being abusive and assured him he didn’t deserve that. It’s happened several times … in fact this is a regular thing with me especially when I get stressed or anxious or feel like my needs are not getting met. I’m not good at asking for my needs to be met though and then when everything hits the fan, I rage about not getting my needs met. I just feel a lot like my mom some days. I know I’m not her. I know I’m not like her… but I am at times.

I’m coercive and brutal with my words. I even told my husband if he didn’t let me sleep I’d check into a hotel and wouldn’t come back till I had slept . I also threatened to go back on Xanax if he didn’t start “helping” . I knew saying these things would cause him extreme stress and fear and I said them anyway. I hate the way I am sometimes… I have hurt so many people and I know I was hurt really bad but there’s no excuse to hurt others. I’m also riddled with the guilt I feel for all the terrible ways I’ve treated him in the past. The drinking all night, the cheating, one time… a long time ago I was so mad at him that I hit my chin against my bathroom counter on purpose to give myself a bruise and then I told him he did it to me. He was messed up on drugs at the time so I knew he wouldn’t remember and then feel horrible about it… I have never told him that I did it to myself. He still thinks to this very day that he did that to me and still brings it up how horrible he feels about it… I just wish I could make all the bad things I’ve ever done to him go away. I wish I could start treating him like a king but it’s just so hard for me. Why is it so hard for me to not be mean? Perhaps I get triggered and dissociate when these things happen and then feel remorse afterwards?

[coconuts]

The good thing is you see it and you recognize it. With that you can make plans to do better. We can't undo the past but we can try and be better going forward. Beating ourselves us doesnt change anything. Especially if you aren't making a plan to fix it.
Can you get a night or two a week that you can sleep. Im sure your husband would much rather miss out on some sleep than worry about you. Sometimes we have to realize that we have to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others. Make a plan to take care of yourself so you can be your best version. You aren't your mother because you can see what you don't want to be. Because you want to be better. But you have had mostly her example and it's hard to learn different. It doesn't have to stay this way. If you want to be better you can. But it's work. It won't just happen. You have to look at it just like you do your addictions. You need to avoid triggers. You need to take care of yourself so you can be strong enough to let your best self shine and not fall into destructive behaviors. And when you screw up you need to just keep trying to do better. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.
You are so strong. You survived your childhood. You survived addiction. And you can build a beautiful future. You just need to believe in yourself.

[Chessgirl]

Yes coconuts,

I agree with everything you said, thank you for helping me see things more clearly. It is like my addictions. I can stop these behaviors if I work really hard at it. It’s just hard but that doesn’t mean I stop. It would be easy to say “I give up. This is just the way I am” but I know I can’t do that. Self care and avoiding triggers is really challenging sometimes but that’s an important part. I appreciate you cheering me on and encouraging me to do better.
I know I can do it.

[Gurglesnap]

To me, I play chess, it is just a metaphor. Though I am a certified chess master. Two percent of us are doing that, all the rest are playing checkers. Good luck to them, they will need it. I am sorry for what you are experiencing. I am sorry I can not be more eloquent.

[Chessgirl]

Haha yes I agree the rest are playing checkers. Thank you for your support and kindness gurglesnap!

[Progress]

Hi Chessgirl,

Aww that sounds really really hard.

You HAVE TO get some sleep. I heard that sleep deprivation is one of the acceptable forms of war prisoner tortures! Because it doent leave a mark. And it’s just awful to be severely sleep deprived.

Plus Maslov’s Hierarchy of Needs puts sleep right on the same level as air food water and shelter. You just HAVE TO get some sleep. You are in charge of caring for two small children plus you are a survivor. You deserve sleep as much as anybody else. Even more so, so that you can maintain all the hard survivor work you’ve done.

I survived severe sleep deprivation with colicky babies and a complete jackass of a husband who used to wake me up on purpose by loudly clapping twice. Seriously.

I swear, get some sleep. Your husband should totally be on board with this. You will feel better and be better at everything you do. I went three years no joke, with not one day of getting more than three hours of continuos sleep in a row and it is torture. One sleep cycle is generally four hours long. You should get two sleep cycles a day. In my humble opinion. I can sleep like it’s my job and for me personally, one full sleep cycle is five hours long.

I have to run, but wanted to quickly send my support and experiences!!!!
Progress

[Chessgirl]

Progress,

I can’t believe you went that long running on only 3 hours! Some days I feel like I’m gonna lose it but I remind myself my sleep schedule will eventuelly get better as she sleeps longer through the night. Your husband sounds like a monster. I’ve dated plenty of them. I know that type and I’m so sorry you dealt with that. To intentionally deprive someone of sleep is insane. Luckily my husband agreed to letting me take a long nap after he gets off so I’m gonna start doing that and hoping I won’t be as grumpy and abusive. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me along !