On the Chessboard 2021

[coconuts]

Aww chessgirl. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Gentle hugs if wanted.
We I start feeling this way I have to remind myself that this is a trauma reaction. Childhood trauma messes with our view of relationships and even good ones somehow look unreal. Mostly because somewhere inside we have convinced ourselves we don't deserve it. It can't be real because that's just not for us. We see love as dangerous in a way too so we again come back to survival and convince ourselves that it's all fake. This makes it to where we are essentially blocking the love that people are willing to give because we are so in guard against being hurt.
Also being a mom with little kids can be quite isolating. Its just hard and exhausting being a mom. And being a mom to littles is physically exhausting. They need constant attention and don't allow time for real rest. I'm reminding you that it does get better. Have you looked into post pardon depression. I cant remember if you take anything for depression in general but ppd is a real thing and you might look into meds or a change of meds if you need. Just a thought.
I could see how the social platform could be triggering. One thing about keeping our stories in the shadows is it hides our wounds and we can hide the shame. Simply exposing it helps a bit but we usually need more to overcome the shame that abuse fills us with.
You are strong and brilliant and amazing. Standing with you.

[Chessgirl]

Hey all. Sorry I haven’t been active on here. I have a large social media platform where I’ve shared my life story and met a lot of survivors but I always remember how this place was my first stop on my healing journey. Besides getting in therapy, I searched for survivor groups and chose this one. I’ve learned so much from you all and the validation helped me build my confidence to keep sharing my story. In a lot of ways I’ve come so far.
Unfortunately a lot of people started to kind of put me on a pedestal as though I was this heroic champion who healed herself from the trauma. I felt uncomforable with the large following and support. People were asking me if I was a life coach or if I offered services. If I could help them. It felt undeserved… anyway I got in a place where I was doing well. Started school college back again which if you remember you know I dropped out many times right before graduating and never finished. Had a couple of kids and got married and I just recently started again and was loving it. Ended up quitting yall. I sent my instructor a bunch of crazy and embarrassing texts. I also relapsed and posted obscene and mortifying videos of me dancing provocatively on my social media platform which was supposed to be a safe space for survivors. They banned me so I lost my platform. I threatened to jump off a bridge and wound up in the psych unit.
I realIed after this last relapse something. This was my inner child sabotaging my life because happiness felt too unsafe so she came out and literally just started wreaking havoc! This has happened my whole life and now that I know about what an inner child is it all makes sense. How do I get close to my inner child? I was in therapy for awhile but am taking a tiny break. Good news in the psych hospital they finally got me meds that work and they are not additive! I was shocked. I went 2 weeks without sleeping after a traumatic event in the fall and had terrible
Insomnia ever since until this new med.
can anyone relate to any of this? Miss you all

[earthhorse]

Chessgirl!

Sabotaging success, Mmmm I wonder who did that to you in the past? It wasn't you as a child, it was punishing (no)care givers.

Perhaps some part of you also just needed to be seen. When things get more busy and go well, it's really hard to make space for pain, for sorrow but the need to be seen and heard doesn't go away.

And yeah feeling like an impostor, like you don't deserve to thrive, that didn't come from you or your inner child either. That sounds like something imprinted on you through abuse.

I am so sorry, all of this must have hurt so much. You deserve love, acceptance! Always, always, always especially because parts of you are in so much pain, especially because it was hard recently and you feel you made some mistakes. Especially at these times you deserve to be loved, cherished and accepted. All of you!

I have been thinking about you. Chessgirl, you remember how you shared about having meltdowns with me? We could both really relate. Well I discovered what was causing them for me. It turns out next to really severe PTSD I have ADHD. The hyper-vigliance in PTSD combined with the ADHD tendency's to take in a lot more information than most people, was causing sensory overload, could even trigger reliving and terrible flashbacks just because of the overwhelm.

I also hear you on struggling finishing with school. Perhaps there is also more to this than life circumstances? Can you get assessed for ADHD?

The ADHD meds seem to really help. It's not just meds of course, good trauma therapy has brought me a long way. But they definitely make it less overwhelming.

I think the ADHD dx was liberating, so much of my behavior made a lot more sense.

I am so happy you are getting some help with sleep!

Sending you seas of compassion and neverending love,
EH

[Chessgirl]

Hey earthhorse!

I do remember sharing those meltdowns with you! I believe I am adhd or autistic as well. I never had an official diagnoses but the doctors gave me adhd meds for years. Unfortunately for me they caused me to drink. I felt focused while the meds were in my system for a couple of hours but once they started wearing off I’d have massive panic attacks and have to drink all night. I’d have horrible insomnia and I’m an alcoholic so I had to eliminate anything that makes me crave that stuff. I do think I am neurodivergent and need to see a specialist for this and perhaps get a diagnosis. My therapist suggested I see a neurologist and get my brain really checked out. I get very overstimulated and after a hard day I have to have alone quiet time or I have a meltdown. It always helps hearing from you earth horse. Im glad that the meds do help for you and the therapy!

[earthhorse]

Hey Chessgirl,
Please do get checked and seek supports. It sounds a bit dodgy how the meds were prescribed to you like that. If you work with a specialist they put a lot of effort into finding the right meds and making sure you don't have a rough rebound.

I don't think I could use the meds now if I hadn't done a lot to treat PTSD.

I am so sorry you have struggled addiction. It not your fault and it makes so much sense! You deserve support beautiful person.

Loads of love,
EH

[Crow]

Hi Chessgirl,

It put a smile on my face seeing your name back here. I've been back for a handful of weeks since I departed a few years back, but I dip in and out.
Sorry to hear of the ups and downs you have faced over the last few years.

Crow

[Chessgirl]

Hey crow! Great to hear from you!

Earthhorse I agree completely.

[coconuts]

Hi chessgirl,
I've been a bit absent for about a month. Nice to see your name when I came back. So sorry for all the struggles you have gone through. Healing definitely gets tricky sometimes. It sounds like you need to help that inner little girl see that she deserves happiness and success despite what the past and others have told her. She needs that loving-kindness. To see that it's okay. It's safe and acceptable to have progress.
I hope you continue getting help
Coconuts

[gods_child]

Chessgirl,

I've been hiding of sorts for a while and haven't kept up with a lot of people. I am sorry to hear that things got so hard for a while. I'm glad things seem to be smoothing out a bit for you. I want to be here to support you and hope that I haven't let you down. I truly care and wish you well. I'm trying to be around a bit more. I'm not fully caught up on everything, but from what I see you are working quite hard to heal. I feel like I have sabotaged myself on many of occasions though at the time I didn't fully grasp what was going on. Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm happy to see you post and glad I found a few words for you. Best wishes!

gc