Torching relationships

[Watercolor]

I'm grateful to hear some other friends have reentered your life. It's not good to run on fumes or subsist on crumbs socially. I wish there were more who are kindred spirits to your own in your circle. I'm sorry your well is so dry as far as inner resources to give, but we all experience that at times. it's good work in itself that you've recognized that the bucket is empty at the moment. I hope your time with yourself and as the older friends reconnect will be restorative. And I hope this season won't continue to be so lonely!

[coconuts]

Oh Earthhorse
I think everyone makes such great points and your observations make sense. I think of my good friend I lost. She was there for me. She caused damage too. But she saved my life. She was a friend for a moment. There for me at that moment. Ive learned to look at appreciate that and not stay too bitter about the painful end to that friendship.

I too long for a 3d connection sometimes. Someone who knows what it is like to live with this. Who understands that almost every night is fraught with danger in my sleep. That days are a careful dance of avoiding or coping with triggers. That Ive seen terrible terrible things that haunt me and been betrayed in the deepest ways. I dont want pity. I want understanding. I want to be able to share a moment and have someone not react in shock or horror but with compassion and acceptance. I want to share my struggles with dissociation and be accepted. I want to be acknowledged for how very hard just living is for me. This is not an easy life. And like you said its not our fault. And yet we are left with this pain and struggle to fight thru every day. Im not saying its always horrible or there arent good moments. Im just saying that there isnt a single day that goes by without me having to adjust or cope or whatever with my past. Instead i hide it. Just like we did as a child. Carefully guarding my pain, my injury. Tiptoeing thru life.
Umm. Sorry for the side all about me rant there. Just how i interpreted what you shared and how i feel similar.

Also understanding the fight for resources. Weve shared this before. I was the little sister but took the brunt of the abuse ( I think because I was the step daughter). My sister was often cruel to me in her own ways. We loved and hated each other. Both needing each other for survival and competing against each other. It was a sick and twisted game.

Earthhorse. I imagine little you and little me. Laying on a blanket beneath the stars. We are in a field with flowers about their fragrance softening the cool air. Trees edge the field not too far away. We can see so many many starts and galaxies in the sky. The fireflies distract us as we try to count them and imagine what they say to one another. We hold out our hands hoping to catch a friend within them.

And adult you and adult me. Sit in a swing on the otherside of the field. Watching our smaller counterparts. Enjoying the peace and childish wonder they feel. We sip warm drinks and smile at them. But recognize too the deep pain there and the need for healing, for love, for compassion. To be seen.
I see you Earthhorse. I see the hurt and the beauty. All of it swirled together. The strength pushing against the pain. I believe we are stronger together. I may be half way across the world. But i believe our energies can blend together to be that strengrh when we need it.

Coconuts

[Noname]

earthhorse,

I just wanted to say that I can relate so much to everything you've said. Wish I could find better words but mostly it would just be me talking about me a lot. It does sound like you are better off without this person in your life, even though it's hard to lose friends and things can feel so lonely. I will try to come back and post something better when I've organized my thoughts more. Here, listening and caring.

[earthhorse]

Hi Watercolor,

Thank you so much.

I am so lonely at the moment. I have been spending a lot of time, too much time alone for too long. But I do have some pretty special people in my life, like my partner who I should never take fore granted - he is extremely loving. And my friends are extraordinary caring, loving, vibrant people just they have a lot more going on in life and increasingly I see less and less of them.

Some other people have stepped in recently like H. and Z. and K. and there is alwasy my dear friend E., who isn't much of an emotional support but a ton of fun which is so important. I just also value that no matter how hard it has gotten for me, E. still liked hanging out with me and has always believed in me.

I notice with the new relationships I sought for support and now with H., and K.. the same pattern keeps playing out. I am in a caring role. If I need to be heard or center my needs, it's not usually very reciprocal - I give a lot and enjoy our time together and get energy from this, but if I show vulnerability or express needs that doesn't go so well. It's more like I feel they get let down when I show my despair or need, like my purpose or so is to be strong and resilient all the time.

There are like two or three other people outside my partner that genuinely show loving care and show up for me. One left and lives in Stockholm now only have contact rarely online, one got a great job in Brussels so I don't see her so much, and the other is in this super intense job and suffocating relationship that when she is not working takes up a lot of her time - he plans all their time. So I am not a fan of him either, which is unfair because he has done so much for my friend too. Again jealousy.

We used to hang out every week at least once a week, for years. Now I see her once every 3 months, if that. I feel like she doesn't like or love me anymore. Even though she has shown up for me time and again in major ways. It's so weird what my feelings are doing. So even when I do see her I am irritated and end up challenging her more than I need to. I harbor a lot of anger and frustration about needing her and feeling abandoned. Feeling like I am a very unlikable and unlovable, broken person - having that confirmed hurts. It makes me ashamed that I am like that, I don't like myself. So as she has pulled away, so have I. Every now and then I get the urge to slash and burn that relationship - torch it - because it hurts so much to care about the connection and to miss her. I remind myself that's not love, that's fear.

It's just hard because I set out to build up more of a support network in 3D last year, realizing I wouldn't be able to defeat the depression side of things, without more support and my closest friends all moving on with their lives and careers. It has been super valuable and enlightening. But not very emotionally rewarding. The people who I connected with are disability activists and mad pride people. Everyone I seemed to connect with had different issues than myself and no one was as.... well....as badly off in terms of limitations, history and symptoms, as I am right now. I don't think there was much empathy there.

Every time we would meet up it would be primarily about them. I would listen and comfort them. But they wanted me to participate in other ways too that weren't available to me at the time, and I felt bad. Like I couldn't perform properly. In return though they gave me some very good practical advice about access and treatment. But love was missing and sadly empathy.

What I know and what I notice is I need more people with similar experiences in my life like you and my friends here on isurvive. <3

Thanks so much for being here Watercolor.

All my love,
EH

[earthhorse]

Dearest there!

Thank you for the indignation on my behalf.

So you're supposed to suppress all your needs and feelings, when they're getting the validation of treatment. Doesn't seem like a reasonable expectation of you by your friend.That seems pretty crazymaking to me.

You know it's tough sometimes the privilege differences. People who get angry about their situation are often cast as unreasonable or self serving, become really too visible and scrutinized, while the attitudes and behaviors that exclude or harm us are normalized and 'invisible'. It's strange I think in some ways I could see this friend of mine feed of the fact that they were getting treatment and I wasn't - exactly the validation. And then the fact that my PTSD right now is due in large part to childhood trauma was often dismissed or as if it doesn't effect people as much or isn't as serious as a one of event in more recent history. It became a weird kind of competition.

It's all so sad though. Because that isn't what either of us want. It's largely just the circumstances.

Thank you for being so wholly on my side. It's validating.

Love to you There

EH

[earthhorse]

_________\"/__\:/__\+/__\"/__|||||___\"/____coconuts & EH ____\"/__|||____}}}___\"/____\"/___

I don't know how that will look on your screen. It's meant to be you and me among the flowers. I know little you and little me would have a wild time. I am absolutely certain of it. If we had found each other. Feels so lucky to have you and your collective with me now. You have changed my life.

In many ways coconuts you are a great friend to me. Just because we're here online doesn't make it less genuine. I often feel more authentic connections here than I do in my 3D life. And though I really feel you and absolutely resonate on the 3D needs you describe. Some of my soul mates are here _ you are one, beautiful light. I think also of a friend of mine Sevie Poh who kind of graduated from here and became a therapist. You never met sevi et al. But you would be impressed by them too.

I guess it's scary for me to get close and to have needs. It's been very scary these last years to be so burnt out and watch life pass me by as it were, but on another level the quality of my relationships has really deepened and improved, Despite heart breaking losses at times.

Also hearing you on the constant triggers and reminders. Living in hell while life is so beautiful at the same time. And nobody knows, no one can see the utter pain and disability. Things being normal while there is nothing right at all, is in itself a hardcore trigger for me. Many times for me it's just humiliating Having the tips of the iceberg pop up.

I feel a little humbled by your ability to cope Coconuts. You are so strong and present. My ways of coping tend towards shutting down and shutting off right now. My way of dealing with triggers is not noticing until too late. Or feeling all at once when I get safer, but not before I have gone on one sort of compulsive rampage or another. And o acting out and having emotional outbursts out of nowhere while I am in a back seat feeling totally out of control not knowing what on earth is going on and not feeling like I know myself at all.

You are not alone my friend. You have been an incredible support to me. Building up our strength here with each other will for sure improve our 3D relationships too. But I would never not for a second trade what I have with you here for a 3D relationship.

All the love in the world,
EH

[earthhorse]

NN,

Honestly, don't worry, on my threads please feel free to go on about yourself as much as you like and at length! if the fancy ever takes you.

Not that it's okay that it's hard for you too, and that you struggle with relationships _ well at least I hope you don't just feel culpable for a string of brunt bridges like I do. But nonetheless it feels normalizing and conspiratorial to say to me that you relate to what I shared. Since you are very likable, maybe there's hope for me too.

Thank you so much for your support.

Love,
EH

[coconuts]

Oh earth horse you're so very sweet.

I do consider many of my friendships on here truer and deeper than those I have in 3d. I also feel better connected in.so many ways here. Knowing that people understand or at the very least accept my pain. Accept my failure. Accept my brokenness and understand me better than others.

I know you look and see the ways that life is passing you by. The ways that you have felt and continue to experience loss. I see the beauty in you though. I see the success you achieved in getting away from youe terrible family. In escaping them and their continued harm. I see a beautiful strong soul. I see someone who has managed to overcome. I see someone who understands beauty. Youre creative and capable and brilliant. So what if you havent conformed to someone else's or even your vision of success. Maybe its time to get a new vision. Maybe its time to see all the amazing ways you have overcome. How you've chosen the better part even though its been so hard. How you have found resources, fought for help, found a supportive partner, been a friend to others. There is so much greatness in you. They took a lot from you but there is so much they've never been.and never will be able to take.

I think you're amazing. I wish you could see yourself the way we see you.

Coconuts

[Watercolor]

Relationships and maintaining them, navigating them, interpreting them, recovering from misunderstandings and miscommunications in them, longing for and needing them, adjusting them.... It's all tremendously complicated. When our needs change or we start to see things and people differently and we need to reassess, it can be so messy.

So sorry for the strains and pain that loneliness brings. And for the difficulties with the people in your life, even ones you truly love and appreciate. Hoping you can have more good solid safe connections in the near future. Fulfilling friendships.

[Noname]

Hi earthhorse,

Thinking of you and wondering how you're doing. Thank you for your kind words to me. Unfortunately yes, I do feel culpable. I'm not really very good at maintaining relationships. When I'm struggling I collapse in on myself and just feel like everyone would be better off without me. And people don't want to or shouldn't have to deal with me. Thank you for saying I'm likable. It surprises me when people say things like that because I definitely don't see it - and I'm sure that's part of my problem. Anyway, I hope you're doing ok.