I'm excited! I finally found a trauma therapist.

[motherwaterspirit]

Since earlier this year, I have been looking for a trauma therapist to take my case.

It's been a long hard road of referral after referral that always seemed to lead to a dead end. Tired of being dragged around, I called the director of a trauma therapy center last Friday, and she moved my case to the top of her list. I filled out the paperwork today, and I scheduled my first therapy appointment for this coming Friday!

I'm excited because I believe trauma therapy might help me get my life back on track, but I'm also terrified as it will no doubt drudge up memories and feelings I would rather not face. Still, I'm absolutely excited and just wanted to share my news with everyone at iSurvive.

Peace and love,

JRHolman

[grandma in pain]

Dear jrholman,

That's great that you finally found a trauma therapist! I'm really excited for you because I know how frustrating, annoying and disappointing it is whenever you need a specialist and there's all this red tape or road blocks or just plain old nonsense that gets in the way and drags it out on you.

How did your first appointment go? And will you be going weekly or less often than that? Wondering if you've had a second appointment or not.

Sending positive vibes that this therapist will be perfect for you and that you will get all that you need as you move forward..

Positive vibes }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Be gentle on yourself while going through your therapy

grandma in pain

[Scars]

ditto to everything Grandma In Pain said
<3 scars

[motherwaterspirit]

Hi, Grandma in Pain,

Thank you so much for responding to my post! It's been exhausting because I have been looking for a therapist since February. I even started trying to do self-therapy in March because I was in such bad shape emotionally.

I have had two sessions with my trauma therapist so far. I'm scheduled for a weekly session. However, she put me on her cancellation list, so if anyone cancels their appointment, I'll be able to see her more than once a week. My first appointment involved my former mental health diagnosis. At that time, my therapist said I seemed like I didn't want to talk to her because I thought she was judging me. My second appointment though was great. I decided to completely open up to her about my past and current trauma. We made two goals to work on first (i.e., breaking the trauma bond with my brother and fixing my sleep cycle).

I already started working on them both because I need to get better as quickly as possible. Last Thursday, my brother started sending me explicit photos of himself and telling me that he wanted to have sex with me again. He was the father of my unborn daughter in the past. He starts telling me he wants me every two months, and the fear that I'll cave into him - which I haven't yet this year - is anxiety-inducing. With that said, it's great to have my therapist and the wonderful people here at iSurvive as a support system.

Thank you for the reminder to be gentle with myself. I'm definitely harder on myself than I am on anyone else.

Sending positive vibes your way,

JRHolman

[motherwaterspirit]

Thank you so much, Scars. It means a lot to me that you took the time to congratulate me.

Sending peace and love,

JRHolman

[grandma in pain]

Hi jrholman,

I'm so glad that you decided to completely open up to your therapist. That's an important step towards healing. And it's also great that you're on a cancellation list.

I'm no therapist, but I was wondering if you've ever considered blocking your brother? Do you think this might be something that you would want to ask your t and get some feedback from her?

Sending you safe hugs, if okay, and positive vibes...
(((((jrholman)))))

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

grandma in pain

[motherwaterspirit]

Hi, Grandma in Pain,

Thank you so much for replying. My brother asked me to come and have sex with him this Monday. I told my therapist last Thursday, and she told me to stay away from him for now. Unfortunately, we live less than 2 miles from each other, and no one in my family knows that my brother got me pregnant when we were younger or that he's attempting to cheat on his wife with me.

He even asked me to have sex with him and his wife together, adding that his wife expressed interest in doing so. He told me if his wife dies or leaves him he'll be my life partner and that he is not ashamed. He never takes into account that I would be ashamed instead.

I have simply been making up excuses to avoid my brother and his wife, but with the holidays around the corner, I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. I'll have to probably see him sometime. I'll be safer if we're not alone together. But he also tried to have sex with me when his son was in the next room without a door.

When it comes to my brother, my brain is like scrambled eggs. There's a part of me that feels like I'm in love with me; a part of me that's attracted to him; a part of me that's terrified of him; and a part of me that hates him. I don't know if that's normal for an incest survivor or not. I'm hoping my therapist can provide some clarity.

Sending hugs back,

JRHolman

[grandma in pain]

Hi jrholman,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you until now.

This might be easier said than done. I'm not sure because I've never been where you are. However, I know that this can be empowering in so many ways for so many things and situations.

I want you to find your strength, courage and INNER POWER, that we do all have, even if it's way deep down inside of us, and I want you to say to him in a loud voice with that inner power and conviction, with all of us here at isurvive right there behind you, and say, "NO!" Feel it from deep inside of you and stand in your power, and look him dead in the eyes when you do it.

Please know that you can do it.
Know that you are strong and stand in your power. Take your power back.
If he approaches you again, say it louder, with even more determination and conviction...
"I said NO!"

Please believe me when I say that I am not minimizing anything that you have been through and are continuing to go through. I'm trying to help you see your self worth and recognize that you do have an inner strength. It might be hidden under fear, shame, etc., however, if you just believe in what I'm saying and yell it out it will become easier to stand up and stand in that power for yourself.

Speak it loud and clear with power and conviction, not only so he can hear it, but so that you can hear it. Don't just say the word. Say it like you mean it, loud and clear with all the strength, power, pride and conviction in your voice , on your face and in your eyes that you can. And you will feel empowered.

Sending strong, encouraging vibes to you...

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[motherwaterspirit]

Hi, Grandma in Pain,

Thank you for getting back to me. My brother usually asks me to have sex with him every 2-3 months. It's usually just as my brain fog is lifting and my life is on the rebound. He's been asking me since February 2023, and I have been able to find the courage, strength, and power to say, "No," every time. However, it's everything else - the touching, nudity, watching him masturbate in front of me - leading up to "No," that hurts me.

My brother says he doesn't want me if I don't consent. However, I'm not even sure I won't consent because I'm afraid, but the idea of having sex with him makes my stomach knot like a mall pretzel.

Earlier this year, my brother told me that he loved me like his wife and that I was his soulmate born wrong. However, carrying his baby and our incestual abuse destroyed my life. I haven't been able to have romantic relationships of any sort, and I have to hide a large majority of my life. Knowing that, he told me even if he could go back in a time machine he would do it all again because he loves sexual pleasure. He also told me he never wants me to be with anyone else. I believe he only wants to have sex and isn't in love with me. He tells me he wants to keep anything that happens between us a secret because no one would ever understand. I believe that's because he wants to be able to keep the abusive cycle going.

My therapist told me I'm conditioned to give my brother what he wants and accept his apologies without behavior changes. She says breaking the trauma bond with my brother could take a while. She also believes he was molesting me when I was a teenager and young adult and that I refuse to accept it. Remembering that he told me our daughter would have been disgusting if she were born because I'm like his mother and that it's good she's not here because it would cost too much money and she would probably be deformed helps. He also called me a trauma scar and a faceless phantom.

Don't worry. I know you're not trying to minimize anything I have been through or am surviving now. I appreciate you helping me see my self-worth and recognizing that I have inner strength. Sometimes, I feel like I don't have either, so I'm happy to hear someone else believes I do.

Wishing you peace and hope,

JRHolman

Edited: Cycle was misspelled.

[gods_child]

jrholman,
I'm a bit late, but congratulations on securing a trauma therapist!!! And it sounds like your therapist is going to be able to work with you on some pretty tough stuff. You deserve to be free from your brother's abuse. I hope you are able to heed your therapist's advice one day and stay away from what sounds like a very predatory and dangerous situation. I'm happy to hear you are getting the help you need and deserve. I know how hard it can be to want and be unable to find it. I'm wishing you well on your therapy journey! -gc