Letting go

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honeybera
Member
Posts: 1311
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I watched a few videos of the CCF tonight and did one 20 minute meditation (however poorly). Didn't feel much different. I didn't write anything yet, but I did write down what I'm supposed to write...

I have fear - (fill in the blank)
I am resentful at (name)
(and then) Because I have fear (fear written here)

I didn't even do this yet, and then maybe an hour or so later, amazingly and out of the blue, I began to cry. Not just cry, but SOB like I'd lost all reason to live. I felt DEEP OVERWHELMING SADNESS! I had on some regular music videos on that morphed into classic Disney songs (with printed lyrics) and with each one I sobbed harder! After at least 2 hours of bawling my eyes out and even hugging my dogs for some relief, I shut the music off. I'm feeling a bit better now, but that was SO SURPRISING!!! I DO NOT DO THAT! I'm MUCH more self contained than that! But the dam truly broke and it was PURGING! My tears just kept coming and coming, like my heart was breaking in a million pieces. And it was, but I don't know why exactly. All I know is that each song intensified a soul deep feeling of lifelong loss, complete abandonment and loneliness, and of a hopeless future. It was AWFUL!

And I don't know if it was the CCF exercise or not. I really did not do that much, but I JUST NOW got inside after a quick MIDNIGHT WATERING of my little garden...in AUGUST! My backyard creeps me out when it's dark out and I never go out there after dark...and it's MIDNIGHT! I wasn't out there for long, but it's been in the hundreds and above for months on end and I haven't watered in several days and everything is wilted, drooping, or just plain DEAD. I do this abandonment of my garden every year. Nearly all my plants die from lack of water in the intense July and August and even September heat :oops: . I also never prune my trees. I say I will, but never do. My little Rubinette apple, the pollinator of the big Fuji, died, brown crispy leaves. Same with my now dead strawberries. My citrus are still ok, but barely. I only have one pear tree left. I need to turn on a hose on all my other trees (peaches, apricot, plum, and Aprium) and just let them soak it up before they're all dead, too. Hopefully my plants on the table will be ok.

I'm going to continue to watch the CCF's videos and do the writing and even the super boring meditation. :roll: Something got a rise out of me. And she's right. There is a great deal of pure unadulterated FEAR in me and some resentment, too. So I'll write it out and then think about it (meditation really) and then see if I do more needed tasks. All I know is that tonight, in the DEAD of night, pitch black out there except for my back porch light, I stepped out into that darkness and watered my poor neglected plants so they wouldn't die, not this time! Mosquitoes bit my calves of my legs; it's itchy already. Or maybe it was invisible spiders. I don't know. But after my hours long cry, I decided to just go out there anyway and water the lot of them. I felt so guilty and KNEW they were dying, and still I sat inside in an a/c house and let it happen...until tonight. Yeah, I'll give the old CCF a try. It's free. We'll see how it goes.
joyagain
Member
Posts: 219
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2023 4:59 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by joyagain »

Hello honeybera,

Got caught up reading your thread last night, and was going to reply but ended up first checking out the YouTube Channel you mentioned watching Crappy Childhood Fairy. The name is funny and yet apropos, and got my curiosity. I ended up watching three videos instead of replying. So, glad I did. I think what she has to share might be very helpful for me.

Thank you
Stay hydrated

joyagain
"Other people’s pain is as real as our own is not only a reminder for myself but is a reminder that there are people out there who believe you and your pain." My Physicalmental Illness, Vlogbrothers
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1311
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

joyagain wrote: Sat Aug 12, 2023 10:47 pm Hello honeybera,

Got caught up reading your thread last night, and was going to reply but ended up first checking out the YouTube Channel you mentioned watching Crappy Childhood Fairy. The name is funny and yet apropos, and got my curiosity. I ended up watching three videos instead of replying. So, glad I did. I think what she has to share might be very helpful for me.

Thank you
Stay hydrated

joyagain
YAHOOOO! And good on you!

And --> FOR ME <-- CCF seems to be working! But if it works for you, too...WONDERFUL!!! :mrgreen:

The thing is that I cannot figure out exactly HOW it works, but for me (again), it DOES WORK! My yard is watered, I just stepped out of the shower having washed my hair, I haven't missed taking my pills since I started this, and I've begun the laborious task of my kitchen area (sideboards, cabinets, pantries). I found some old pickles from 2006 yesterday! Ewww! :x :lol: MD used to say, "If I haven't used it in the last 6 months, out it goes!" She threw out EVERYTHING!!! Nothing was safe! That really bothered me. I never knew what was going to be there when I got home from school. Many times she did it just to get a rise out of me. Then she'd start a fight with me, and then she'd beat the snot out of me as I stood there, FUMING, but taking it stoically!! I was not allowed to ever defend myself in the slightest. I was trained from birth to just take it. A baby can't fight back.

When I was old enough to actually defend myself, when I became MUCH stronger than her, she'd threaten me with my father, her pit bull, that I'd "get it" from him big time. I knew she was right. He'd done it before. One complaint from her and I'd unquestionably "get it", with his belt on the bare bottom in the bathroom with the door closed, him sitting on the closed toilet lid, me over his lap, pants down. That sounds very odd and thought provoking to me at this age, but then it seemed like it was very normal. I'd been bad, I needed worse than what MD had given me, sic the pit bull on me. That would "fix me". I guess it did, but not in the way they thought. With every LOUD CRACK of the belt on my bare bottom along with the pain that I felt, it intensified the feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness in me and made me realize just how much MD was truly in control and how little I meant to anybody. I was NOTHING.

I've always had trouble taking the NEXT step in "putting the food away". (Can't imagine why! :roll: ) The food goes in. FULL STOP. As an adult I never could quite get the "toss out the old stuff and then put the new stuff away". I was never taught that, but WAS taught (EVERY FREAKING DAY AFTER SCHOOL) that I was NOT in charge, was NOT in control of ANYTHING precious to me, and if I didn't like it, TOO DARNED BAD!! And then I'd get hit if HER mood was bad, and it always was.

So this repeated abandonment and imposed isolation started as an infant by a 17 yr. old nut-bag of a drop out mother who lived in a Hollywood movie's fantasy land, and I believe that it indeed changed my brain. She said her sister came to visit after my birth and told her to NOT hold me or even touch me in any way. Probably music to MD's ears! Born the "wrong sex" anyway (according to her), dirty little thing, poops and pees and cries all the time, takes time away from her and her husband, and keeps her housebound as he goes off to run his business - who would want to touch this thing anyway? And that came roaring across to me. I laid in my crib, alone and untouched "in the other room", 24/7/365. Fed "formula" (Carnation Evaporated canned milk + KARO syrup aka high fructose corn syrup [HFCS] + water) in a propped bottle holder ("You don't want to SPOIL her!") every 2 hrs. on the dot. I have pictures of me at 18 mos. barely able to walk and with HUGE rolls of fat on me. I looked like the Michelin tire man!! In those days they believed that "a fat baby is a healthy baby". I was living proof of MD's ability as a "good mother". What a laugh. It's no wonder that I ended up such a basket case myself. I grew out of that fat stage and was of normal weight as a toddler and a school aged child. I was a knockout as a teenager! Great figure! Boyfriends galore! But my choices were poor as to whom I dated. I had NO CLUE as to what to do!

====================(next day)

Going back to writing on CCF. Glad it resonated with you as well. Do let me know how you're doing with it (if comfortable with that). Having a friend along for the ride may make things easier. DS has vehemently voiced opposition to using the evil Zoom platform - he says it's at least as bad as TikTok, and that's good enough for me, but he also says that the youtube videos are ok and of course the writing is, too. Just doing that much seems to be actually working for me, but not in an understandable way. I write about one thing and end up in front of my pantry and cupboards with a large trash back filling up behind me! :lol: Does it need doing? Well, yes it does, so I simply go along with it. Kitchen looks better already - :cry: "BUT THERE'S SO MUCH LEFT TO DO" :cry: ...and when that thought comes roaring in, I ignore it and grab that NEXT jar of pickles - from when??? 2006!?? OMG. :lol: And I toss it out. Hmm, and how expired is THIS one?

I'm also going to have DS replace all the 20 yr. old plastic shelf clips which are slowly collapsing in all my cabinets with nice sturdy metal ones - however DS's boss and the scheduler/dispatcher had him working SIX DAYS last week (and the week before) and today is his D&D game day. And that seems like the perfect subject for my CCF writing and meditation today. ;) :mrgreen:

As far as my hydration is concerned? No worries - you're talking to the Queen of Hydration! ♥L♥ve my ice water!!!♥ Minimum of 64 oz. per day via my 7-11 insulated mug filled to the brim with filtered ice water. (And I drink it all or more.) OMAD (one meal a day) + all the ice water I want. And here on the surface of the sun in the summertime heat? I do drink more occasionally. Oh heck yeah!!

Honeybera

ADDENDUM: I mentioned the new shelf clips for ALL my cabinets, including the ones with the fallen shelves already? The clips will be arriving tomorrow via a Home Depot delivery! :mrgreen: More room to put currently used things away and clear my sideboards. More incentive to sort through what's on each of the shelves to get the shelf cleared before replacing the old crappy weak plastic clips with the super strong metal ones! YAY!! This seems to be how the CCF works, but it beats me how it does so. "A clearer mind?" "Less deregulation?" <shrug> But it IS WORKING! And I'll just happily go with that! :P No questions asked! :lol:
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1311
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

So I've been kind of on an up and down roller coaster ride with my emotions lately. I'm no longer terrified of being abandoned by DS due to his working too much, especially when I need him. Owning my home is very instrumental in that. But I offered DS a solution to his boss that over schedules him repeatedly. He's supposed to be part time! Two or three days/nights a week, but for the last three weeks (and even before that) he's been working 12 hour days (4pm - 2am, but being paid for only 8 hrs. at minimum wage and no travel time). He also has to have time to sleep whenever home (so no help for me, but maybe tries to slip in some small task here or there) - we've both had it with this nonsense! It's been like this, we complain, they slow it down to part time, and then gradually ramp it back up! I'm left to fend for myself all alone here.

So that's the gripe. And here's the solution: my health insurance will take care of someone, even a family member, coming in to take care of me, whatever that means. And it increases as I need more and more care - which is just part of life. DS may not be the best caretaker, but he definitely is someone who will watch and guide someone else, like a stranger in my home that does up the dishes and mops the floor without robbing me blind. DS would definitely step in and get someone who doesn't steal from us. When I took care of my grandparents we had a lot of people coming and going as live-in or live-out caretakers. I was in my mid-20s, but had no idea at that time how to judge someone's abilities to handle two Alzheimer's patients. They didn't even call it Alzheimer's in those days (1974); it was called Elderly Senile Dementia...period.

I also had no authority. The one who did was my very compliant Aunt M, as sweet as they came, but not much help with a bad, dishonest, and cruel nurse like we got with this one that we had. MD had NO problem firing this pushy witch once she got over there, but it had to get really bad over there before she'd come the 100 miles over. I came into the house unexpectedly one day and caught this "nurse?" lifting out a really nice big beef pot roast from my grandma's freezer! She fed HER family on my grandparent's dime! She also made sure that she kept cases of beer stacked in her house's garage, tell her very alcoholic son not to touch them, and then look the other way, allowing him to drink himself into near oblivion daily! She rented that house right across the street from my GM's house when she was hired by us.

But what got MD over there (FINALLY!!) to make her brief public appearance was this lovely sunny summer morning. I was sitting in the living room of the little cottage in the back, screen door open, little breeze coming in, when I heard a hard slap and my grandmother scream in pain! The "nurse" was slapping her HARD and SCREAMING at her. My GM had apparently done something that upset this harpy. I had been told in no uncertain terms to leave this "nurse" alone after the roast beef debacle. I called my Aunt and then MD, and still nothing...until THEY could hear the slaps and screams through the phone. There were no cellphones in those days. This was all happening from across my lawn in front and a patio, about 40' away, and the nurse had my GM's windows open, too, and the sound carried easily. I wanted to deck that bitch so bad!!! My Aunt came right over, alone, and the "nurse" talked her right down (no surprise), but when MD got there, she stormed in (having to come the 100 miles over had really upset her) and she walked down the hall (I was listening outside the window) and the "nurse" said in a very sugary voice, "Oh! Hi! I'm _____." and MD, true to form, said, "Well, I'm _____ and YOU'RE FIRED!" :lol: "Now get your things and GET OUT!" If the "nurse" was expecting another Aunt M, she was in for quite a surprise!

After this, I figured out a lot more of what was needed to be asked of people in sensitive and unsupervised positions. :?

===================(Next evening)

Just got off of a 2 hour long conversation with my DB. Amazing how separate our lives and memories are with us being 10 yrs. apart in age. He barely remembers me living with them. But he remembers enough. MD hid her viciousness quite well when it came to me, but my father and DB lived right there in the house and they knew instinctively. It was made plain to them that mine was NOT the side to take! Immediate punishment would follow any disloyalty to her. Since all power was hers, and since her moods and lashing out was mercurial and extremely unpredictable, she enjoyed a rare privilege: to strike out at me, her self-proclaimed enemy, at will without fear of repercussion or penalty, as long as she kept it under wraps and very, very quiet. Blame. shame, or exposure were her only fears she recognized, and she could shut us all up and/or shun us quite easily. One helluva mother or wife to have! My Dad chose his side early on. My brother took a bit more convincing, for despite his family position and mine, I have always loved my DB. I showed it and he knew it.

I'm really glad that those that determinedly separated us all our lives (the two Queen bees - MD and DB's wife, a carbon copy of MD) did not get their wishes, which were that I would be shunned and something like excommunicated from our family and everything they did in perpetuity, from holidays to BBQ's to weddings to graduations, and everything else, too. These two both died within a year of each other with MD being the first to go. My SIL, 53 yr. old, died of blood clots from her mandatory COVID vax. She was a registered nurse, too. DB said that after Thanksgiving dinner, the ambulance came to the Ranch, took her to a nearby hospital where she had worked previously, and that was the last time he saw her alive. He couldn't even go to the hospital because the entire family had COVID. She died a week or two later - on a ventilator that she had refused, so they put her into a medically induced coma. After that, she didn't last long.

==================(August 22, Tuesday 12:15am)

My days and nights are REALLLLLY messed up! Been sleeping REALLLLLY well, often up to 12 hours a day. If I go out into my backyard, I get severely bug bit, and now have what I think is Skeeter Syndrome with big SUPER ITCHY welts all over me. The incredible itchiness is subsiding slowly and the fiery red welts are beginning to fade, but it's definitely still there. THANK HEAVENS!! The heat outside has lessened down into the 90s, which is doable, and just yesterday I decided to just DEET myself up and forge ahead today, bugs or no bugs. Just so I can water my drooping plants. They're really trying to survive, too. ♥♥♥

DS and I came to an understanding re: his work schedule and my needs which I have a right to. His scheduler called him one last time to see if he would work a site A SIXTH DAY THAT WEEK - and he agreed, people-pleasing style. I BLEW MY TOP when I found out!! But it did clear the air. DS said that he was at his rope's end, too. They were working him 6-7 days/week for the last several weeks, but he's supposed to be working only 2-3 days a week PART TIME. They continue to do this, very slowly at first, agreeing to everything, but then they begin to beg him to work...just a little more, just this once...and it goes from a comfortable two days a week to me not even laying eyes on the only other person here. When he works, he works a 12 hour a day away from home. Paid for 6-8 hours, depending on the job, but he's gone from home either way. When I fell the other day getting packages off the front porch, I fell face down, front door wide open behind me, and i was unable to even move. I could not pull myself up, even into a sitting position. Every thing I grabbed at gave way, unable to withstand my weight. My phone was clear at the back of the house, maybe a 120 ft. crawl away, and my knees were really bruised and painful and of no use to me. No way I could crawl.

And we do have thieves roaming our neighborhood at night! In 2012, they stole my identity via my wallet that I'd left in the car :roll: , and a couple of years later my trailer hitch off my pickup, plus more recently they stole my catalytic converter off the truck. We do have roaming thieves in the wee hours at least! And there I lay, front door wide open, on the floor face down, door behind me that I could not close with my foot or even scoot to, terrified and hurt, my son gone for the night only minutes before off to work, and not due back until the wee hours, some 10 hours away. :shock: I was scared. And so vulnerable!

But what's worse? It triggered all of my old C-PTSD issues immediately!! I laid there for over an hour as the sun was setting, trying to right myself despite the pain in my legs, arms, and especially my knees. I finally found a box, pulled it to me and with strength in my arms that I didn't know I had, sat on it...and heard it CRUNCH under my weight. BUT AT LEAST I WAS SITTING UP!! With my foot, I pushed the front door closed, and began to cry. I was at least semi-safe. No one could see me, and that was good. 10 hours seemed like less time away.

It all worked out. Once sitting, I was finally able to get up high enough to grab something sturdy (my bench seat/storage), draw myself up to standing (YAY!!!!), and hobble into my bedroom a million miles away down the hallway. :roll: All of this is why I at least want my son home with me to help me. He says he wants the same thing, but when they continue to call him and beg him to work, he just says, "Sure.", but then complains bitterly to me that they're working him too much. So this week he's supposed to work just Monday thru Wednesday - three 10 hr. days - 30 hrs. at minimum wage so he can have pocket change. He's happy about it and so am I. Will they call him on Thurs., Friday, and Saturday BEGGING him to PLEEEEEASE work, maybe on Sunday, too? "Oh just this once! We can't do it without you!! You're the best worker we have! Won't you help us?" And he has to say no.

================(8/27 6am)

I've been up for several hours. I was awakened with a strong desire to be better to myself while I still can. I have not been very good about giving myself the best deterrent for breast cancer in the year since my surgery. I need to begin again making my yummy smoothies with the sulforaphane-producing ingredients that will cut my chances of recurrence down by ½! AND with none of the side effects of Aromatase Inhibitor pills (AI) which are absolutely AWFUL side effects to say the least.
The most common side effects of AIs are symptoms of menopause, such as hot flashes, night sweats, and vaginal dryness. These drugs can also cause muscle and joint pain. This side effect can be serious enough to cause some women to stop taking the drugs. - cancer dot org
Joint pain (arthralgia) and muscle pain (myalgia) are common side effects of aromatase inhibitors [ 115-116 ]. The pain may be in the hands and wrists, feet and ankles, knees, back or other parts of the body. Joint and muscle pain are most common after you've been sleeping or inactive. - www dot komen dot org
Sounds like torture to me! I've spoken with women who are on this horror of a medication, usually prescribed for 5-10 years post-surgery! NO THANK YOU!

But it also means that I need to GROW the broccoli sprouts in my bathroom in little mason jars lined up neatly next to my sink where it's a snap to rinse them off and plop a handful into a DAILY yogurt-fruit smoothie, letting the highly powerful Blendtec blender take it from there, doing the "chewing" for me. Drinking a yummy smoothie that not only mimics, but EXCEEDS the benefits of the pill, is simply common sense. But I can't just stop making my smoothies. That makes no sense, either.
[Chemistry lesson of the day:] Myrosinase enzymes are only released and activated when a plant is damaged. Therefore, cruciferous vegetables [Broccoli, cauliflower, collards, kale] must be cut, chopped, or chewed to release myrosinase and activate sulforaphane...Sulforaphane is activated when glucoraphanin comes into contact with myrosinase, a family of enzymes that play a role in the defense response of plants.
The Myrosinase enzyme mixes with my saliva or in the gut microbiome with the glucoraphanin, and they combine inside me to create the miraculous sulforaphane. But I have to put forth the effort. Sort of a "use it or lose it" idea. I just stopped doing it anymore...and I have to get back to doing it - like my life depends on it, because it does.

The sun is coming up and I'm really seeing what is of true importance and what is not. FOR TODAY: Make it super easy to make my smoothies again! If it means doing another sweep of the fridge, so be it! All my frozen fruit is still in the freezer, but the fridge side is beginning to "hide" my yogurt/kefir a bit, so clear that up I will!! RIGHT NOW. I want to be able to reach out and grab what I need with absolute ease. I'll take the sprouts I have, after rinsing, to the kitchen. Put them into the fridge...handy and within easy reach and start a new batch in my bathroom. It's a HUGE bathroom with double sinks! I cleared off the kitchen sideboard near the blender days ago...and yes, it's still cleared...so that makes it that much easier and convenient to make my smoothies again. I just need to get it all organized, and that seems to be happening slowly, day by day. I will concentrate on the smoothie making process right now though. Top priority!

First things first....

Honeybera
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1311
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I just began my second journal/writing/meditation on CCF (Crappy Childhood Fairy). I wrote only one other, but it literally CURED my negative fears and feelings about current abandonment. As The Fairy told me it would, it happened in ways that I did not expect. But there is indeed a sense of being "guided" to see or do different things. It's truly amazing! For example: I have a really bad stiff neck due to too much time on my cellphone (aka Tech Neck). I love my games, and I'm good at them, but due to the pain I set my phone down and watched a Netflix series about Blue Zones where many people live to 90 or 100 yrs. old. What are they doing that I'm not? EXERCISE. MOVING AROUND. BEING ACTIVE...GARDENING. And not inside a cellphone. They have family around them and friends and most have something that they DO. One lady was sewing, one was doing art work, one man was doing martial arts, another herded cattle (aged 101!!), and many of them did cooking and gardening. I found myself thinking: Why am I not doing that!!?? Gardening = the best organic food there is AND exercise! And I can straighten out my house, too. I can push a mop still, or vacuum, or load up the dishwasher. I can also get outside and water and fertilize my plants and harvest them, too. And this is only one example of that sense of being guided into new revelations.

But I cannot do it all alone anymore, and that frightens me. No one was there to, as my beloved GM said it, "give me a lifting hand". I've been so cussed independent that it's expected of me now. I mean, what single woman AND a single parent living in the Projects on Welfare "pulls herself up by the bootstraps" (a MD expression, but physically impossible to do :roll: ), works "a man's job" for over 25 yrs. with a Union pension plan, buys a house and pays it 10 yrs. early? Not many, I'd wager! Now I want to collect that pension and live long enough for my former employers to regret that deal. Most bus drivers die early or right after retirement. I want to be the exception. :lol:

One thing that's changed is that DS has truly grown a pair and is FINALLY standing up to his boss. I think that he's realizing many truths, like who really cares about him, how fragile his mother is at this time, and which side his bread really is buttered on. He's got a real fight ahead of him, but he can do it...IF he chooses to. They always agree when he asks/demands/begs that they cut his hours and then slowly increase his hours until he's working 6-7 days a wk, but this time it's different. He's angry with them this time. It's been YEARS that they've done this. I've asked for permission to step in and HAVE spoken to the boss, + his wife (DS's case worker!), but they just wait a week or two and then ask DS to PLEEEEASE just take this couple of hours - or our other guard didn't show up - or SOMETHING, and my DS just says "sure". He wants to help them out. But that leaves me all alone, which I don't mind if it's just an 8 hour shift, but then they begin to increase his hours again! :x

For example: I had my breast cancer surgery on the Friday before the 4th of July weekend, my surgeon went on a week's vacation, but I had my son there to care for me, right? Uh NO! His scheduler worked him EVERY SINGLE DAY for weeks after that, leaving me home alone, just out of surgery (+ cellulitis + the worst case of GOUT I'd ever had [insane pain in the feet - could barely walk a step without agony!] + horrible swelling of the breast + bad reaction to their medications = not a happy time) - and when DS objected to working, siting that he needed to care for his mother, he was told by the boss that he didn't care what was happening to DS's mother! He needed my son to guard some fireworks stands among other things.

My son does not need this job! He works for pocket change (and I think also for an excuse to get some fast food, too). He keeps every dime of his paycheck. I don't need it. But he buys "extra" things that he needs, like if he wants to go to a convention. Airfare, hotel rooms, food - all that is on him. Anything for his computer. And actually anything else he wants that's "extra". Same thing with dating or anything else. So to leave this job, where they feel they "can't live without him" so that they'll work him incessantly for less than minimum wage every day of the week is nonsense. And finally DS is standing up to them!!! YAY!!!! And I found out that my health insurance will pay DS as a family member caregiver in case his current job wants to can him. We're doing the final checking on that on Tuesday. That should give him a nice bargaining chip: "I like your job, but I don't need your job." Plus my son is a very GOOD guard, too! Very diplomatic and easy going, yet tough enough to run off determined miscreants with his mere presence. He oftentimes is the guard personally requested by former customers.

I'm also being led into the NOW. Not into the past as much, but gently led into what is going on TODAY. The 1950s are gone. MD is gone. Only I am keeping her alive and relevant. And only I can let her go. Just like with DS and his boss and scheduler: no one can do this for me but me.

So I'm being led into being really good to myself as much as is physically possible ATM.

==============(9/8/23)

Wow!! I neglected to send this. I guess I'll send it now.

BTW, I found my old BF from high school today. He did indeed die in his 30s, but from what I don't know. Today would have been his 77th birthday. I remember him at 16. What a fine diver he was. I used to go to his diving meets at various high schools and watch him dive in competitions. He was really, REALLY good! I'm glad that I thought of him on his birthday. How different my life would have been if MD didn't rip up that letter from him once he'd left his mother's home and joined the service! His life would have been different, too. I wonder how he died. So sad.

Death is so final.

Honeybera
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1311
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I finally started my sulforaphane smoothies again. YAY!! Doing some really good things for myself lately, but lost a few battles in the meantime: my precious Bay Laurel plant seems to have died from a lack of water :cry: , as have so many others. My strawberries are still struggling to survive...****AMAZINGLY!!**** They're not in the best shape ever, but they ARE alive. My Cha Cha Chives are, too, and all my purple collard trees. They're not really "trees" yet, but they are in 1 gallon pots. I came so very close to losing them. :shock: And my Rubinette Apple tree has both crispy brown leaves and bright green ones, too, and even some apple blossoms! That poor tree has really been through it with me!! Doesn't know if it's Spring or Fall. :roll: But it lives! Or shall I say, "It survives?" I am grateful to it for surviving, and for all the other living plants, too, that made it though our devilishly HOT July and August temps of well over a 100ºF daily...and with NO WATER. I was so afraid of getting bitten by MULTIPLE swarms of mosquitoes again. Skeeter Syndrome is no joke! I'm using DEET now. It seems to be working.

One thing I will say is that I now know what will survive out there without water in the HOT HOT HOT summertime. :oops: But now it's down into the mid-80s...THANK HEAVENS!! I need to do some major re-potting out there. Plenty of fertilizing, too. AND hold my breath in utter fear and begin the window treatments AND the freeze dryer's mandatory dedicated electrical circuit inside and the cement walkway outside. A GREAT reduction of the whippy weeds! Although the whippies have managed to slither into my garage on concrete and also out in the driveway like a carpet of leaves and bright blue-purple trumpet flowers, where they are easy to spot. If allowed to be there on the driveway, it starts climbing up and overtaking our cars and the truck, just like it does the fruit trees and the a/c :roll: in the backyard, but from the underneath up. It's so invasive!

But we're working on all of it. I'm falling asleep in my chair. Getting SO OLD! ;) Better go now...

Honeybera
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