Question for survivors

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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mydha
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Posts: 34
Joined: Wed Apr 26, 2023 9:38 pm

Question for survivors

Post by mydha »

I experienced pro-longed complex trauma involving physical and emotional, and possibly sexual abuse from childhood. My father is a vicar and I think very likely a narcissist. I am concerned about my own vulnerable narcissistic tendencies. Is anyone else aware of their own narcisstic wounds? How do you heal? How do you deal with it and get better? I fear that I am beyond help. The abuse started so early and was completely denied for so long. And I experienced so many compounding insults afterwards. I don't know how to let go of the pain and I fear that this is leaving me stuck in victimhood, partly because certain memories remain unclear and so I don't know how to accept and move on, partly because I experience intrusive flashbacks, partly because my relational blueprints are so messed up I can't function well in the real world. Chronic suicidality has become such an ingrained and repetitive pattern I am not sure my brain will ever stop producing such ideas. Sorry, this has just turned into rambling. I really just want to know if anyone can relate... I feel so alone and so horribly pathological. I am so scared of hurting others or taking advantage, or doing good things for all the wrong reasons, and so tired of feeling disconnected from everyone and afraid of them/ but somehow envious and angry at the same time. I want to let go and move on and relate in healthy ways but I don't know how to... What do people think? Does anyone else have fears/awareness of their own vulnerable narcissism? (I am definitely not grandiose/exploitative. I am deeply afraid of these behaviours but I can see victimhood and vulnerable narcissistic traits)
Last edited by Harmony on Tue Jun 06, 2023 3:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from ST to NT as no triggering detail
joyagain
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Posts: 243
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2023 4:59 pm

Re: Question for survivors

Post by joyagain »

I feel so unqualified to respond, but nevertheless feel compelled to, so please take all of what I say as just another human being who can to some degree relate and empathize and wishes to be of some benefit to lighten you of even a smidgin of emotional pain so you might believe in yourself and feel better.

To get right to the point, I do not think you'd be aware at all and be here asking if you were so fixed into a narcissistic pattern that there was no hope. Then, I would say that it's a journey of many steps, sometimes one at a time, and a commitment to walk this path of yours of self-awareness and healing. I imagine those two points could be said of any one here on the forum seeking community, support and healing - I hope so anyways.

And, a final point, I would do my darnedest to be kind to myself and trust myself no matter how damaged I believe I am, and then seek help and support, professional in particular, but also otherwise, among those whom believe that you can trust yourself to walk that journey and heal. And that is a kindness to yourself.

Joyagain
"Doubt is a beautiful thing. I think when faith is true, it can be under scrutiny. And I think that's the greatest value of true faith is being able to question it objectively and still believe it." Tyler Henry
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