Happy Birthday, Daddy

For all members who enjoy writing poetry or who use poetry to express their strongest emotions.
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Oceantide
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Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 12:20 am

Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by Oceantide »

Hack is a century man
Having made his way to places
He never should have gone
Corrupting childish innocence
Traumatizing Cambodian villagers
Bombing Vietnamese babies
Manipulating U.S. presidents
Grooming the global elite
Controlling cadres of slaves
Contemptuous of his accusers
Architect of 3 million deaths
Pompously facing his maker

Granting our father his birth date
Gifting the patriarch his moniker
A would-be-president with no fame
Hack’s namesake will soon be forgotten
When he dies a few years after him
Having wreaked his holocaust havoc
As handler of multiple daughters
Yet Hack is no better than padre
Both violent pedophile programmers
Sowing their death and destruction
Leaving their daughters destitute
As they celebrate haunted birthdays
earthhorse
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Posts: 3179
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 8:12 pm

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by earthhorse »

This reminds me of Sylvia Plaith's poem 'Daddy' I had to reread it once I read yours.It made me feel like your poem deserves more verses. But in many ways it's already so full. Overwhelmingly, every line. A thousand, thousand stories.

I wonder how you are? It seems you are revisiting some very cruel places, facing horrors again and again.

There was so much going on, with dating, with your book, with children, and now there is again that lull where perhaps the nightmares, the flashbacks and the isolation torture creeps in.

I hope you know you deserve to have freedom from all this, to be the one who got out. To be the run away match girl who didn't spend her final match, but used to stay warm and then escaped that cruel place. Not uninjured sure but whole and healing.

All my love,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
Oceantide
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Posts: 1629
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 12:20 am

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by Oceantide »

I've never read Sylvia Plath, so I had to look up "Daddy." I can see why my poem reminded you of it, though her style is far superior. It makes me wonder about her history. Her biographers only seem to mention depression. Certainly there was more.

You are kind to keep me in mind, EH. And you're right. I'm revisiting cruel places. Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts, which is activating. And more generally, yes, the lull in dating has opened me to more flashbacks. Last night I had to call a suicide hotline. I didn't sleep much. I struggle to keep going.

My friend is coming over now to help me think about how to landscape my yard. She has a degree in landscape architecture and is an artist as well. I hope I don't dissolve in tears. I just want to stay open to the idea that someday I might plant. I have a small vegetable and herb garden, but that's it.
earthhorse
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Posts: 3179
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 8:12 pm

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by earthhorse »

Sylvia Plaith like Virginia Woolf was sexually abused as a child by her father. Like Woolf she didn't survive the impact, they both committed suicide. Sorry for that.

I am glad you survived last night, I had a rough one too. I am glad we both did. There are so many gifts in this life. So much beauty. I am grateful we used skills and resources to get through.

That sounds really fascinating, your landscape friend coming to help with gardening. The good ones really feel time and seasons. Hope you can enjoy the experience.

Take loving care,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
Oceantide
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Posts: 1629
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 12:20 am

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by Oceantide »

I'm sorry to hear about Sylvia Plath (though suspected it based on "Daddy") and Virginia Woolf (whom I've read and love, yet also never knew was sexually abused as a child).

I'm glad we both survived the night, yes. It was a really rough one. So much pain. I told the hotline counselor if I weren't so afraid I'd traumatize my kids I'm sure I'd kill myself.

I wish I could see the beauty in life. I don't see it often. I don't think I'm exaggerating. I think that's true for me. I struggle to see things, both literally and in my mind's eye.

Hence the need for my landscaping friend's help. I can't envision, but we walked the neighborhood in the rain, with me pointing out what I liked and didn't like. She wrote it all down. And she is a huge repository of knowledge about plants, birds, animals. She's really in tune with the natural world. She hoots at owls and they hoot back.

I wouldn't say I enjoyed it (I felt overwhelmed) but I didn't cry or decompensate, and I was very grateful for her help. When she left she said she loved me. I remember that.

7 years ago I walked out of my daughter's high school choral concert, up a hill, and called this friend. I'd switched to the suicidal 1yo child part, the one I blended with last night. My friend had another friend who had recently died by suicide, and blamed herself for not doing enough, so I worried she'd blame herself if I died. So I called her and said she shouldn't feel guilty if I died. She drove to the high school, drove me home, and got me to call my therapist. She was very worried. So was my therapist. She advocated for me to be hospitalized in a trauma center. It was the first time anyone had ever done that for me. My therapist cleared her schedule for the day and was on the phone with insurance and the center for hours and hours until finally working it out for me to go. I've dedicated my book to my therapist. I should write another book to dedicate to my friend.

Tonight I cooked dinner for a different friend, a filmmaker. She came to my place after I played volleyball and stayed for three hours. She just left a while ago.

I feel mechanical right now. Like I can't feel. Like I'm a robot. I think I've switched to Robot. I'm glad I saw two friends today. They help me sustain my life.
PozRae
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Joined: Mon Apr 17, 2023 3:53 am

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by PozRae »

Thank you for the poem.
Thank you for surviving.
My dad and I have the same birthday. I can relate to the the dark anniversaries.
I can relate to the numb.

Keep surviving
Keep passing open windows
earthhorse
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Posts: 3179
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 8:12 pm

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by earthhorse »

I hope your Dad's birthday isn't on the 27th of May?

That's my birthday.Also a heavy time. Always big triggers. Intrusions.

I have never had anyone go to that kind of effort for me. I do everything myself.

But have to admit I could not cope with surrendering control like that to my therapist or anyone else. I'd fight it tooth and nail or likely run. I am terrified of being institutionalized.

Yet I find what you describe incredibly touching. And I feel so grateful you had people looking out for you and advocating for you. You needed it. It's so hard to be seen because of the conditioning, it was vital that you reach out.

Wow a one year olds suicidal impulse.At that age there are no concepts, not even developed emotions, no filters and no language, only raw experience and intense need and vulnerability. To have wanted to die at that age means it must have been extreme. I know neglect at that age, even just emotional neglect can literally kill a child. Not to mention what you lived through. Maybe it's not wanting to die? Maybe it's the experience of actually dying? Or I know, it's complicated when there is torture or extreme sexual abuse. I wanted to die too very, very young, well a part of me did. The part that had to hold the trauma, the knowledge. Wanting my life to end, is such a familiar feeling for me. I couldn't exist and have that happen. My being died and I longed for death.But truly it's symptomatic. It makes perfect sense under the circumstances.

It's seems like very, very intense triggers to contend with. Very hard to find presence.

Have you worked with the intrusions at that age with trauma therapy? Is that something you have access to? I mean in terms of trauma therapy being safe? Ie imaginary exposure or EMDR. Even other techniques for exposure and release? It's not fair or right that you or your baby part has to continue to relive this.You both deserve comfort and release. And you hold a lot of memory on different levels. There's a lot to work with.

Ocrantide, your collective express a lot of wonder. Your collective also experiences joy and you have a deep appreciation of many things music, art, languages, literature, science, culture, the sea. Your collective are curious and intricate. And full of beauty.

It sounds like you are experiencing 'depression', or just what trauma does to people. I hate it. I hate feeling so cut off or not being able to learn or connect because of trauma. I hate it. I can register, that this is a beautiful day, but I can't always connect. It makes things somehow harder, that it's beautiful but I can't experience it, can't access that.

Sounds like you had a wonderful day even though you were in intense pain and wracked by trauma. You sound also like you attract very good deeply caring people into your life.

You might not feel it now Oceantide but you are doing so well. And there is so much to live for. You are incredibly brave.

Take loving care,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
Oceantide
Member
Posts: 1629
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 12:20 am

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by Oceantide »

Thank you, PozRae, I'm so sorry you relate to the dark anniversaries and numbness, and that you share a birthday with your father. You, though, are not him. You are fighting for life and light. I agree with EH that every day we survivors go on living is a gift to ourselves and the world. It's an act of courage and yes, even of beauty.

EH, so much to respond to: yes, it was hard to submit to be hospitalized (like you, I was tortured in medical facilities as a child). I was terrified/paranoid all the way to the trauma center and the first few days there. Many protector parts tried to keep me from going there. In the end we went because we trusted our therapist. Who, yes, is truly amazing. I literally couldn't believe she was fighting for us. I was just sitting there, in shock. She's an amazing person. But there are others like her.

A 1yo can be suicidal. I was groomed by my father from 11 months when my mother was in a psych hospital, and then violently raped by my father at 12 months. Afterwards I tried killing myself 3 times (age 13 months, when my mother returned from hospital, 20 months, and 24 months). 3 trips to the ER. I did Somatic Experiencing and remember the feelings of desperately needing to escape (the first 2 attempts) and total despair/lack of hope/collapse (the last attempt).

My poems and these entries around dark anniversaries give me a lot to work with in therapy. I've already identified multiple structures from this past week, and will dismantle them with my therapist's help. For now that seems the best approach for me. Even though I've been massively triggered again, like 7 years ago, I didn't decompensate in the same way as before because I have fewer structures today. And I'll continue to work structures.

EH, I'm sorry your birthday is such a heavy time. My birthday is always difficult as well. I hope for both of us the days to come are lighter ones.
earthhorse
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Posts: 3179
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 8:12 pm

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by earthhorse »

Dearest Oceantide,

I agree, I think one year olds can be suicidal, and that your one year old self was. Even if the concept of death may not have found words, escape from life was an immediate need and reality.

It got me thinking. I remembered witnessing this kind of behaviour in my younger brother and sister as babies. I also read an article that identified suicidal ideation in very young children. Which matches too my own experience.

I know that my father began sexually abusing me very young, my first memory is when I was 8 months old.

I can remember feeling both dead, and longing for death.

Interestingly most of my dissociative walls started coming down around abuse at a very young age first. Abuse under the age of three. It's also why I doubted myself and my memories so strongly people are not supposedly able to remember that far back, but I think it's different for trauma, memory works differently. And then I recalled more from there. My father abused infants. My mother tortured all of us.

I am glad you can use this to work through and gain greater freedom. Increasingly, as near impossible as it is to gain any foothold in the face of the onslaught, I see these intrusions as opportunities to heal.

I am so grateful for your therapist. And so grateful to you and your incredible strength and courage.

All my love,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
Oceantide
Member
Posts: 1629
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 12:20 am

Re: Happy Birthday, Daddy

Post by Oceantide »

earthhorse wrote: Tue May 30, 2023 9:25 am My father abused infants. My mother tortured all of us.
This is so horrible. Sadly, it was true for me as well. It's so horrible. It took me a long time to accept that reality.
I'm sorry the abuse started so young for you, EH. It's mind-blowing. Trauma memory imprints differently, yes.
Please take good care, Oceantide
Last edited by Harmony on Tue Jul 11, 2023 3:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no specific triggering content
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