Letting go

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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honeybera
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Posts: 1311
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Hi Jonesy! :mrgreen:

After the nerve wracking bumbles of last month trying to figure out PayPal's donation payment schedule, I think I can safely say that my "MD payoff" payment #3 won't have those problems and the money listed below should be in your coffers by May 25 or within a few days after that. I found out from PayPal personnel directly that I can donate from the 16th of one month until the 15th of the next (example April 16th-May15) and they will pay to that donation recipient on the 25th (May 25th in my example). Let me know if you don't get it by the end of the month. After that, one more payment and I'm all paid up and owe MD not one dime more! YAY!!!

Thanks for accepting my humble gift to such a great cause. :mrgreen:
Donation via PayPal Giving Fund for isurvive.org $100.00 USD 1 $100.00 USD
Subtotal $100.00 USD
Total $100.00 USD
Payment $100.00 USD
Payment sent to care@paypalgivingfund.org
Honeybera
honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I GOT ERASED! AND THIS SITE WOULD NOT NOT NOT LET ME BACK IN!! SOMETIMES THIS SITE IS ALL THAT KEEPS ME SANE! WHY, OH WHY, DID ISURVIVE DO THAT TO ME??????????????

I'm literally sitting here in TEARS!! Really REALLY frightening!!!! Plus you erased my post! Not a big deal to most I suppose, but a BIG DEAL TO ME! Have I done something to upset someone?
Last edited by Serenity on Fri May 12, 2023 11:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT for no triggering detail
Serenity
Director
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Re: Letting go

Post by Serenity »

honeybera,

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I understand how scary that must have been for you. I assure you that you have done nothing wrong, and no one is upset with you. And if there ever were any issues we would never just randomly delete a member's post without reaching out to them. Just to be sure, I checked the site's logs, and there have been no posts deleted recently, on your thread or any on the site.

This was probably a glitch, either on our end or yours. I checked our error logs and am not seeing anything recently, but that doesn't mean it wasn't on our end. I cleared the site's cache as that tends to fix most issues. It wouldn't hurt if you cleared your cache on the device you use to log in, just in case it was an issue on your end. Technology is a wonderful thing that can help bring people from all over the world together, but it can also sometimes cause upset or frustration when it doesn't work properly. If you ever have this issue again, please feel free to reach out to either Jonesy or myself to let us know about it. We are here to help.

With care,
Serenity
Paper
Member
Posts: 491
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2022 9:14 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by Paper »

honeybera, I don’t know about logging in glitches yet, sometimes mine’s slow so far but I do know that horrible feeling about trying to post a post and it resets and I am now using control copy all before I post so I can put it back. Sometimes when I can I use a word document to put the post on, then I go to post it, so I still have it. I’m also sorry you experienced this and I’m just sharing what I do now in case it would be useful to you. I’m glad Serenity responded to let you know that nobody’s mad at you, you have not upset anyone, and you can reach out to them and I totally get what you say about this site’s importance to your sanity. I feel that way too.
"... I've been livin' in my own shell so long:
The only place I ever feel at home...."

"I Never Wrote Those Songs," Alice Cooper, Dick Wagner, 1977, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
joyagain
Member
Posts: 219
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2023 4:59 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by joyagain »

Hey honeybera, so sorry to hear that you went through this! Sorry, I've been away for a few days, so hadn't seen your post til tonight. I hope you are getting joy-again in your days in your loving home and out in your yard with all your lovely critters and plants. And, I hope you'll be sharing your continuing adventures here sooner than later.

Btw, my crooked yellow squash started sprouting from seed outdoors in my garden over the last two days. No zucchini yet. And, I'm so glad to be getting some daily rain showers now, so I didn't have to keep dragging around my grandma's heavy duty garden hose to water the garden, so as not to risk my healing. Not to disparage it though, cause I consider that hose an heirloom; it's got to be 20+ years old, and though has sat outside is not worse for wear, nor barely faded! crazy when others don't last a season.

joyagain
"Other people’s pain is as real as our own is not only a reminder for myself but is a reminder that there are people out there who believe you and your pain." My Physicalmental Illness, Vlogbrothers
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1311
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

WRITTEN SEVERAL DAYS AGO, BUT JUST SENT NOW 5/14/2023 OOPS! :oops: :mrgreen:

I was going to erase my last message, but decided not to. Let it stand...

Today I was watching some youtube videos, not my usual cooking or gardening ones, but this one from George Carlin, and a real doozie called Words That Hide the Truth over on Rumble. And I now see how they came to use the terms Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in 1968 re: the Vietnam War vets that were arriving home experiencing this. Unbeknownst to me before, it's the same thing that was experienced by others vets of other wars and the horrors of what they'd seen during those high stress times, but it was called by different names, most of which I'd already heard, like SHELL SHOCK in WWI and BATTLE FATIGUE in WWII, but not OPERATIONAL EXHAUSTION in the Korean War (1950).

I was just finishing up my 4½ years "behind the lines" at the hands of MD at that time (ages 1½-5 and living in complete locked-down privacy and terror of abuse in the little innocent looking white cottage with picket fence in back of my grandparents property), which caused me to develop C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This is different from PTSD in that PTSD usually happens either once or in a limited time, whereas C-PTSD happens REPEATEDLY over a VERY extended period of time, like months or years, and in my case, many, MANY decades! In 1964, I was 17 and female and just graduating high school, which kept me out of Vietnam and the draft, still living with MD, soon to be married to my brutal, cheating, rapist of a husband (1965-1969). However George Carlin said the Vietnam War happened in 1968. Yes, it did...sort of...took more years than that, but around that time, yes...and yet clear back before and during the Korean WAR and from that time forward, too, I was being brutalized by MD, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

No one stepped in, no one gave me mental health care or support, and MD just kept it up, trying SO hard to "break my spirit". But until now, although I understood that I had the label of "C-PTSD" and what understood that meant, I did NOT couple that up with WAR and the PTSD that followed for some. Dear old George Carlin has convinced me otherwise. :| I literally ended up with BATTLE FATIGUE and SHELL SHOCK due to MD, my OWN MOTHER! And when I saw that, I got tears in my eyes and stopped the video and came here. WOW. :?

I'm going back to see what else dear George has to say about "words that hide the truth"...please don't go far as I go to watch the rest of it. To think that I'll watch it ALONE and then need to dump it for my own sanity and you won't be here is, to me, TERRIFYING! There are still some deep, dark, scary areas in my mind that I don't want to face alone. I'm serious. So many decades later...

=====================(later on...)

Watched the rest of it, which didn't impact me like seeing that I had SHELL SHOCK from living with an isolated MD! SEVERE SHELL SHOCK, usually from SEEING the constant horrors of war described in WWI, even once or maybe more before true insanity close in, was rough on young men in wartime, but those horrors of slow torture being visited on an infant and a little tiny kid DAY AFTER TERRIFYING DAY, ENTRAPPED with her behind the white picket fence with the locked gate so I couldn't escape, being the ONLY one to KNOW what she was all about, as she was blaming it all on ME to my face when it was happening, and who didn't understand that it WASN'T me, but some nuttiness inside HER instead. I blamed me, too, but had no idea just how to stop her.

She claimed to want me to "SHUT UP!!", but rather taught me to just say nothing, to isolate myself, to disappear in silence so to not get her attention. "STOP THAT CRYING!!", taught me to stifle my emotions and feelings and to stuff them down with food and eventually with cigarette smoke so I'd look "cool". I began to smoke cigarettes at 12 years old. I quit at 44 yrs. old. "LOOK AT HOW UGLY YOU ARE!!!", taught me self embarrassment and shame. And all the other devastatingly negative "look at how..." comments she'd pepper me with all day long, EVERY DAY!! Look at how you EAT (and all the mocking involved), look at how you WALK (more mocking), look at your UGLY fill in the blank (hair, NOSE, belly, FAT, etc. etc. etc.), while she would demonstrate how SHE saw my "ugliness". She once said to me, SNEERING at me, "We got braces for your brother's teeth, but we REALLY should have gotten surgery to FIX YOUR NOSE!" I didn't need a bully at school. I had one in my very own home.

And I wish you all could SEE my nose. It is a FINE nose! Not too big and not too small. It's a Goldilocks nose: just right! :lol: :mrgreen: But being called "Minnie, the Moose Nose" by MD was devastating, especially in junior high school! Or "Pot Belly Nellie with the big fat belly!" And then the not combing out of my hair FOR DAYS by MD so it was too tangled to be styled, and then the trip to the beauty shop ALONE where my hair was instead just cut off instead of combed out and I was given an old woman's curly bob - yes, she permed me! And just DAYS before school started. I was horrified, but MD laughed and laughed at me for weeks and weeks - and I mean belly laughs! She got a BIG kick out of it, but I just wanted to DIE. She'd look at me and point and double over with laughter. Yes, she was really good at making other females feel "less than", but I was a PRIME target for her!!

All of this was done just after "summer camp" where she left me KNOWINGLY with the pedophile minister for a week in the August before 7th grade, just so her family would be simply her, my father, and my infant DB. I've already written about that and let it go. But then I came home, slurs thrown at me right and left, then the trip to the beauty shop, and a humiliating 7th grade where even my handwriting was changed since my teacher decided it was not acceptable. :roll: In retrospect, it was a rather juvenile handwriting style, very rounded with a circle for dotting the "i", but I was just going into 7th grade, for Pete's sake, and she changed it to slanted and it felt awkward to me. In addition, my DB was just months old, MD's second (and only acceptable) anchor baby, I was being totally rejected at home, was developing at a rapid pace, and was being physically and emotionally abused by MD. SHE WANTED ME TO BE GONE, but where was I to go? I was only 11. Couldn't comb my own hair or even zip up my dress. And MD wanted me to just disappear because she HATED me. I was IN THE WAY. And she kept telling me that I was the one to blame for EVERYTHING! And even worse, I believed her!!

She did the same ridiculing laughing thing in 9th grade when another trip to the "beautician" caused me to NEVER EVER EVER want to go to a "Beauty Shop" again!!! And I never did...UNTIL I got a "scholarship" (business promo and nothing more) to a Beauty College upon graduation. I wanted to go to college (probably wasn't ready for that) and be a teacher, but what I probably needed was to work first, save up some money, buy a car, and experience some independence...THEN go to college and teach. But MD, with her odd sense of humor, thought that I SHOULD go to Beauty College, and they PAID for it ($110 IIRC - at a discount with the scholarship :roll: ), and then she FORCED me to go since they had paid for it. OMG, I was SO bad at it! My hair had grown super long clear past my waist by the time I graduated. I could sit on my hair then! (I still don't go to a Beauty Shop and it's still long - I cut about 3"-4" off with the scissors when it gets too long, and that's it.)

I'm getting deep in the weeds here and it's past my bedtime. The HOT :oops: weather is nearly upon us, into the 90s by this weekend and on as far as they are predicting, so I have to be UP and into the yard in the early AM. So I have to get into bed at a decent hour. Getting my sleep is one way to prevent a cancer recurrence, so back to a better sleep schedule. Nini...

Honeybera
honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Abuse doesn't stay with the abuser. It stays with the abused, and you carry those feelings with you always. - Evil Lives Here, "To Infinity and Back" S9/Ep8 ID
I just saw this on a TV show on ID and it made me want to save this woman's statement because it is so true, or at least it is in my case, especially now that MD is dead. WOW! That means that if I am the one who keeps resurrecting MD, that she isn't responsible for that resurrection, but rather that I am. That's also confusing me: am I healing by remembering and letting go or am I simply ruminating (chewing that old cud from decades ago) and continuing the abuse in MD's absence? It's food for thought.

===========(many days later, fighting for my sanity and trying to avoid the abyss of Clinical Depression)

So what's the big deal about a weed eater? No big whoop, right? WRONG. So I'm out there a few days ago and my old weedeater sputtered and DIED. :cry: I tried to do what I could, but when DS came out he declared it deceased and we took out its battery and he placed it into the black garbage can (appropriately black) and we said our goodbyes. But I had already planned for this to eventually happen. I then asked DS if he'd get the OTHER NEW weedeater that I'd purchased at the same time as the old one so we'd have one just in case and one that took the same batteries (I have 4 of the batts), and this seemed to be the perfect time. It was just a small delay. Again, no big whoop.

But we have two dogs and a WHOLE BIG BUNCH of horrible fox tail weeds standing tall out there, and I have already had to pull one out of Boots' eye and taken Mittens to the vet for one in her ear. They're easy to mow down with a weedeater, but without one? UH...NO!! But my requesting DS to do anything more than to LOOK at the weedeater was enough to really irk him. He later said sorry and that it was because he wasn't feeling well. He was so irked that he grabbed a hammer in frustration (we are autistic and sometimes we flare when frustrated) and broke the replacement weedeater. I didn't cry from frustration myself, but I was SO close to losing it. But instead I ordered a new one, same as before; luckily Amazon still carried that exact model. It got here on Sat. and I was thrilled! But they all need that tiny bit of assembly to attach the safety guard, and only today, with mere minutes left until he had to work today until midnight, he insisted on setting it up for me RIGHT NOW. I was saying that it could wait until tomorrow. But no, he insisted, saying that it wouldn't take long.

AND THEN HE BROKE THIS ONE, TOO. He says it can't be fixed. I could use it without the guard on it, just like I see the professional gardeners using, but should I? I was so upset and heartbroken that I just sobbed. That upset DS, too, and he stormed off and left for work. I sat in the kitchen crying for about a half hour, and then went to my room and began to ruminate AGAIN. Or shall I say I sat there REFLECTING? That sounds much less non-judgemental. I can't help but remember some times when others treated me like this. One fellow even broke my dishes and then asked if I still wanted him to do the dishes. DS's father put up two of my window treatments in my bathroom, but then said he'd "hurt his thumb" and could no longer help me. MD is a PRIME example of this type of "chore abandonment". And now? I am EXPECTED, at 76 yrs. old, morbidly obese with a heart and lung condition and about every arthritic type known to mankind, and recovering from breast cancer surgery (and gout and cellulitis - NOT cellulite! big difference!) AND diabetes, to clean up this whole mess around here ALL BY MYSELF! :roll:

As I sat there pondering about all this and how abandoned I was feeling, I realized that I'd been treated like this by just about everyone for my entire life. GOD FORBID that I would find myself in need. The attitude was like MD said, "You made your bed. YOU get YOURSELF out of it!!" :x And that's how it always was: if I provided for myself, and even others, I was ok. But if I needed something from someone else, forget about it! And so it went. I did attract a lot of people, needy people, greedy people, tricksters, but these people had nothing to give to me when it came down to it. And I was TOLD about codependence, but never quite really understood it and how it was effecting me. That was a LONG, LONG time ago. I get it now!

Or maybe not so much. I need to ponder this some more.
From Psychology Today's website:
Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of "the giver," sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, "the taker."
I am the provider ("the giver"?). I've always been the provider, either for myself or for my kids or even my other relationships. I was shunned and eventually just kept away from my nuclear family by MD. I was taken advantage of by a great many people, even when all I had was a Welfare check to live on and an apartment in the Projects.

My life today is sort of like being on Welfare, but with money. I am not under a boss or a work schedule, and I can do what I please. The trouble is that I can't do it all by myself anymore. I'm not 25 or even 55, and my energy is lacking. And it's only going to get worse. What will I do when I need care or when I can't protect myself? Will DS just shout me down and break my things if he gets upset? I need some help and I need some TLC. I'm losing what little trust I had. DS is hot and cold, and I never know just what I'll be facing.

I know what old age looks like. I also know how those who were cared for all their lives by the best of people can turn on a dime and abandon those people in their time of need. That frightens me...deeply! I took care of my grandparents towards the end of their lives. I lived in the little cottage out back. Yep, the same one, only this time I was the one that had the little child. I had NO nurse's or geriatric training of ANY kind, but I was definitely my grandparent's caregiver. I used to say that I had all of the responsibility with none of the authority, and it was painfully true. I was in my mid-20s. Watergate was happening and then Nixon bowed out (Aug. 1974) and then Ford (briefly) and Carter were in the White House. It was a rough time, but on Welfare, especially how it was so generously set up then (plenty of food stamps and the BEST medical available), I barely noticed except for the often bare grocery store shelves. Yes, empty shelves happened then, too. This is nothing new. During that time they coined the term "stagflation": (job) stagnation-(prices) inflation. Home loans were at 18% and higher! But back then, for me, home ownership was just a pipe dream. I was lucky to have a place to stay.
Think Inflation Is Bad Now? Let's Take A Step Back To The 1970s
May 29, 2021The 1970s are starting to trend - for all the wrong reasons. ... upward spiral like the one that spawned "stagflation" in the '70s and haunted presidents from Richard Nixon to Jimmy Carter. ... www dot npr dot org
Both my grandparents were suffering from really severe dementia by then. MD lived over here, 100 miles away from the rest of us then, and was simply not interested in her ADOPTIVE parents and never came to help out or even oversee. She was very embarrassed of all of us LESS THAN "elegant" people. She figured that if she "acted elegant" that no one would know her as anything less. It never worked. :roll: She still spoke with a heavy mid-Western accent: "warsh" instead of wash and "crick" instead of creek. My Aunt M lived in town, and she was good, but had a demanding, cheating, and abusive husband who didn't want her to give her attention to ANYONE but him, not even a phone call. She was the complete opposite of MD, meek and mild and certainly no match for either MD OR her own husband.

She even had me HIRE (ME!! :? ) the live in help that I'd insisted on getting. I was being responsible for both "incontinent dementia patients" (my beloved grandparents, but a LOT of work!!), doing it from my house across the yard, and doing it 24/7/365. IMPOSSIBLE! I didn't even know what to ask the people who responded. I'd know now, but back then, NO. So I hired the ONE lady that actually came out there, asking her very few questions. Later on, I caught her stealing a big beef roast out of the freezer for her own family and had her put it back. I also "fired" her, but she laughed in my face and told me that ONLY my Aunt M could do that. She knew that my Auntie never would, and so did I, but she'd never met MD! :lol: I was gently told by my Aunt, however, to stand down, to do nothing, and to not "stir the pot" with our "help", even while her own helpless mother was being ripped off like that!! She never even took the time to come over. :x

Then one day I heard this bitch SLAPPING my GM HARD and SCREAMING at her. It was warm and my screen door was open and so were the windows in my GM's back bedroom. Only 40 ft. of lawn separated the two buildings, so I could hear this quite plainly. I had been told that IF I stepped in to stop the abuse and this HORRIBLE person then left our employ, I would simply be put out in the street, bag and baggage, no questions asked. In desperation, I called MD. Even SHE could hear the slapping and screaming over the phone! So she grudgingly agreed to come the 100 miles and FIRE this woman! And she did just that: Abusive woman grinning from ear to ear, "Hi! I'm D. Nice to meet you." MD: "Hi! I'm this woman's daughter and YOU'RE FIRED!!" I was still being held outside, but could hear through the open window. IT WAS MOST SATISFYING to hear that, I can assure you!! :mrgreen:

Still MD did not stay. Within the time it took to usher D out the door, MD had piled herself BACK into the car with my father and DB, and they were GONE AGAIN, back to their home 100 miles away. I don't recall her even speaking to me. It was always that way.

The way my GM died was that I was not told by the latest "nurse", a fairly good one that I became friends with, that my GM was sick and that she'd called both an ambulance and my Aunt. They whisked my GM off to the hospital without my knowledge. They were very crowded, according to my Aunt, and they put my GM in the hallway on a gurney. This was about dinnertime and my abusive uncle wanted my Aunt HOME cooking dinner for HIM, SO HOME SHE WENT, frightened by my uncle's whining, ABANDONING MY GM AT THE HOSPITAL. STILL, no one said anything to me. I would have happily been there as I was every single time before. This JERK of an uncle couldn't have thrown a pot pie into the oven or something? :roll: And why didn't my Aunt or even our "nurse" just walk out there - IT'S A SHORT WALK! - and NOTIFY ME?? But instead, my GM was abandoned in a hospital hallway where she choked to death (unobserved??) due to an old auto accident injury that had messed up her neck. It still makes me cry. If I'd have been there, I'd have grabbed a nurse or a doctor and gotten her help IMMEDIATELY...but I wasn't there. They didn't tell me that she was where she was, all by herself, demented, probably scared, and then she choked to death...alone. OMG!! :cry: And all so my idiotic uncle could have a hot meal.

While I lived the little cottage in the back as an adult, I GARDENED! A LOT! My GM LOVED it when I brought fresh veggies in from every little cranny of dirt on the property: carrots, radishes, tomatoes, squash, you name it! I grew it. And as an old Omaha farm girl, my GM appreciated it, too. Once I planted sunflowers for her, and when they got to be toweringly tall and the heads just began to bend down with the weight of the seeds in them, I took GM out to the way back yard to show her. The instant she saw them, her hand went up to her mouth and she began to cry. "Oh, sweetheart! I haven't seen sunflowers like this since I lived in Nebraska." Then I got two chairs and we just sat there admiring the sunflowers. ♥♥♥ I really miss my grandparents! ♥♥♥

I need to get busy, though. I'm redoing my desk/computer area: smaller "desks" (folding tables), a PRINTER AGAIN, new keyboard that doesn't stick, and the happiness of having a LOT more room to move around in without so much fear of falling. I'm also sorting out the boxes "cluttering" my room (moved in here to clear a way to move the computer ROLL TOP DESK "immediately" [remember that? Years ago?])...PLUS working on the Storage Room...and if I'm still wide awake (and can still walk), I'm going out into the wilds of my garage for some serious tidying up out there as well. DS picked up my sand for me and I'm dying to use it to plant seeds (saw that method on the internet) and to eliminate the indoor fungus gnats that have plagued me in my attempts to grow plants from seeds under my grow lights. Sprinkle a ½" of playground sand on top of the potting soil and the fungus gnats are a thing of the past! (Supposedly - we'll see.)

======================(Friday 2am)

But life seems a whole lot better at this time. DS FIXED MY WEED-EATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!! And he did a whole lot of other chores that really sweetened my mood.

====================(Friday 9pm)

Slept all day. Need to write more, but I'll send this overlong diatribe now and then writing what's on my mind currently. My abuse just keeps haunting me and writing it out like a journal really helps me to cope with it all.

Honeybera
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1311
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Replying to myself again...but it's no big deal. I am just grateful to be able to sit down and WRITE IT ALL OUT as the turds float to the top of the punch bowl and then I toss them out! ATM, I am #1 in my crossword game tournament on my phone. A word came up: ABJECT. All my life I have looked up words that I don't know the meaning of, and this word was no exception. And here's what I found and what led me here...
ABJECT:
1: sunk to or existing in a low state or condition : very bad or severe
living in abject poverty
to lowest pitch of abject fortune thou art fallen—
John Milton
abject failure [Welfare]
2
a: cast down in spirit : servile, spiritless
a man made abject by suffering
an abject coward
b: showing hopelessness or resignation
abject surrender
3: expressing or offered in a humble and often ingratiating spirit
- Merriam-Webster dot com
I read this and I was STUNNED!! It reads like a list of MD's mothering goals. My God, how she must have HATED me!! And yet I'd done nothing to encourage her to feel that way. My grandparents thought I was just the best and most delightful child ever born! But MD's goal in life seemed to be to, as she put it herself, "break my spirit", to bring me into a state of abject failure, hopelessness, helplessness, poverty, fear, and humility...and she damned near succeeded! What kind of mother does that!!!??? When I was little and standing on that chair getting my face slapped and told how UGLY I was, I was also memorizing songs that I'd heard and singing them to anyone who'd listen. I'd dance around and even recite the books that I'd memorized the words to, much to the delight of my grandparents. But MD would just seethe and we'd have another chair-standing and face-slapping after my spontaneous performance for my Grandma and Grandpa.

When I was 27, I spoke on the phone with my father's best friend from childhood and former business partner, DDL, who told me that MD was JEALOUS of me. WHAT?? JEALOUS??? OF ME?? Are you kidding?? I was by that time on Welfare with one kid, divorced, not even living in the Projects yet! MD had already announced to me repeatedly that I was "used goods" or "damaged goods", always reminding me that SHE was only married ONCE, something that she really felt good about. My Aunt M had been married "several times". One guy was killed in WWII, but to MD that still counted as strike one! (She was cruel to everyone! UNLESS she wanted to be nice, and then she was sugary sweet and completely agreeable.) MD was a non-discriminatory shamer of anyone female, particularly in the family. Aunt M just took the abuse, but Aunt J fought her...and then drank a lot of beer and smoked her cigarettes and bossed poor cousin R around. But that's another story...

So DDL, my father's friend, while I was on the phone with him shared with me what was obvious to everyone else, but not yet obvious to me. He challenged me to simply call the house and ask to speak to my father, since MD ALWAYS answered the phone. I did that, and spent a LOT of time trying to get MD to simply give the phone to my father. It went like this: "Hi Mom. Can I speak with Dad?" "Why do you want to speak with your father?" "Oh, I just had something I wanted to ask him." "And what would THAT be?! Tell me and I'll tell him." "That's ok. Just let me talk to him." "Well, what do you want? And why are you being like this, _____?! Why aren't you letting ME know what you want? Just tell me and I'll tell him." "C'mon, Mom. Just get him and put him on."...and after about 5-10 minutes of this, she finally gave the phone to him. :roll:

I told my father that DDL had put me up to simply calling and asking to speak with him. I think that he was as shocked as I was of her reluctance and interference, but as long as I was talking to him ONLY (they had only one phone and no extensions), I asked him some questions about the childhood abuse I'd suffered at her hands. Did he KNOW about it? He admitted that he did. So I asked him, "If you KNEW about it, WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP IT??" And he said to me the words that will always haunt me, "Because I've gotta live with her, Honey." :o :shock: :cry: Those words explained exactly why she was allowed to get away with it without interference from anyone, but ESPECIALLY my own father. She would punish him if he got in the way, so he VOLUNTARILY turned a blind eye to most of it, leaving her open to do with me whatever she wanted. PERIODICALLY he would slightly raise an objection, but not very often. She ran his work schedule since he was self employed. I went to school and they would spend the day together happily without me, and just before I got home from school, she'd send him out to do some service calls. (He was a TV repairman - TVs were repaired and not just thrown away; it was done that way back in the day) He got home in time for dinner, and then back out for evening service calls. And I'd be in bed by the time he got home. See how that works? Who got time with him? Me? No. MD? YES! And it gave this mad woman COMPLETE POWER over me with NO ONE TO DEFEND ME!

Things were so different then in 1950s America. SO DIFFERENT! There was no "child abuse" recognized. She NEVER beat me IN FRONT of anyone, even my father. I think he would have stepped in...maybe. Especially in the little cottage out back when I was REALLY little. But he had an actual store with DDL in those days, and I rarely saw him at all. But he admitted that he did know, and to "get along with her, Honey" he had to make a choice: Confront her, protect his child, and make her STOP doing that, or simply ignore it and look the other way? He chose the latter...sadly. Much, much later on when I'd call on the phone, she would disrespectfully call him a "wimp", but ONLY while he was out working on the tractor or doing something out in the orchard. To his face she'd smile serenely and dutifully serve him his dinner or vacuum his house or wash the clothes or the dishes. The happy little housewife.

Yet for SO MANY YEARS I thought it was ME that was the problem. And for right now, it is. I need to put down the stick and quit stirring up the punch bowl. But it's hard to do when I see and look up words like ABJECT. What a trigger!!

Honeybera
Jonesy
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Re: Letting go

Post by Jonesy »

Hi honeybera

Just reminding you, that although I may not always repy?
I read every word posted
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
honeybera
Member
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Aw Jonesy! ♥♥♥ Thank you SO MUCH!! When I read that it meant so much to me that I teared up. You are SO KIND.

This will be short today...but all for GOOD reasons! I've been SUPER SUPER SUPER busy! This is an extremely good thing for me. ALL of my plants have MIRACULOUSLY survived ♥♥♥ AND even DS has taken a turn for the better regarding helping out around here and our communication is MUCH MUCH better, too! He even cleaned our hideous microwave to new looking perfection without being asked. YAY!! We are on a roll.

Also, Boots got TWO foxtails (one each in both of her ears) that had to be pulled out by our vet to the tune of $182.00 (ouch!) plus I had to pull one out of her eye a few days ago. Poor baby!! My yards are FULL of foxtails ATM, and my dogs have huge, upstanding ears, just begging for a dried up foxtail!! So yesterday I got out there and mowed down about half of them BEFORE nearly collapsing from exhaustion, and today I will finish the job, a real plus for me.

It's 9:29am and I need to get going...but THANK YOU for your post. It meant the world to me. Weeds first today for obvious reasons, but possibly (with DS's help) get my assembled TUMBLER composter set up. It's sitting on the bare earth right now, surrounded by weeds, but before it gets filled up and too heavy to be moved (this thing is HUGE!), WE need to get a piece of very thick cardboard out of the garage (I can do that) and get rid of ALL the surrounding weeds and slap that 3ft x 6 ft. piece of cardboard on the ground as a weed deterrent. THEN I can begin to make compost!!!! YIPPEEEEEE!! Compost is SO necessary to a healthy garden. But I'd better scoot NOW. Those foxtails aren't going to weed eat themselves! And my vet is already rich enough!!

Honeybera
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