It’s Time

[PozRae]

Hi all. I guess you can call me Rae. The Poz is for having HIV. Being HIV+ is negative. it’s ironic to be pozitive.
Here are my acronyms: HIV+, MDD, GAD, PTSD (maybe CPTSD?), CSA, EA, PA, RA, SA, EN, PN. I also have a BFA and almost had an MS in MFT & ATR. Ok enough letters. Someday I’ll do an art piece with all my acronyms and add the ICD 10 and police codes to go with them.
I hate the holidays bad things always happen then.
Christmas Eve 2021 my partner & I got in a cycling accident on our e-bike. I didn’t hit my head or break any bones, I was just shaken up pretty badly. A month after that I woke up from a dream that was reenacting the crash. I spent the rest of the night flooded by recovered memories of the CSA & RA. I had forgotten about it for about 1/2 a century!
After that I was in psychological limbo for the 8 months it took me to find a therapist willing to take me on. The therapists at my HMO were on strike and the only thing available were group trauma & grounding classes via zoom where you weren’t allowed to discuss your trauma for fear of triggering someone. I get it, people are at home and possibly alone and triggered and possibly not safe. But that left me trapped with my memories for months. And then there was EMDR… that wanted me to become numb and okay with horrendous things! But now I have a therapist and this forum. So we will see how things go…

[Rosahope]

Welcome Rae!

[Harmony]

Welcome PozRae,

Glad you found us. Glad you found a T. These are very "positive" things. I agree Poz is an interesting twist on something bad being something good. There are many options these days for both the child abuse and your medical condition. Our family lost a beloved member to that disease decades ago. My thought are with you as you heal body mind and spirit. You are on a path with lots of others here. Keep onward

with support,
Harmony

[joyagain]

Hello Rae, Welcome!

I appreciate your sense of humor with your introduction. It truly is an alphabet soup, isn't it? Well, also though while it is what it is, why we're all here, it's sad that you've experienced such hardships as well.
So glad you are here in community and getting support elsewhere, too. I hope things go well.

joyagain

[Oceantide]

Hello Rae and Welcome! I hope you'll find this is a safe, supportive place to share. Warm wishes, Oceantide

[earthhorse]

Hi Rae,

Welcome!

That's so rough. You are exceptionally brave. And it makes so much sense new trauma would break already fragile dissociative walls.

I really also have double feelings about not discussing trauma. I don't know in some ways healing comes indeed from holding it, from facing it and breaking isolation. There can be safe ways to tell. The best psychotherapy practises actually emerged from survivor groups. From hearing eachothers stories. Not from just discussing symptoms and being reduced to a pathology. There are also so many real ' political' implications from identifying what happened to people, and how that causes injury. It can't just all be individualized. It seems so harmful too. Even as I recognize that people need to shelter themselves at times from certain content.

I had a bit of an odd experience today in hindsight. I had to listen to an assessment psychologist read back the kind of abuse I experienced, it was a report for my doctor. They did say I suffered severe sexual and physical abuse and neglect. But they didn't use my language. I experienced torture, I am a survivor of organized child abuse and child sex trafficking. That was just left out. It's like people kind of unconsciously censor my experience out of existence and it's so not okay.

I am incredibly relieved you have some effective trauma therapy and support now. And again welcome!

All the very best to you and yours,
EH

[Serenity]

Hello PozRae, and welcome to isurvive. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here.

With care,
Serenity

[Jonesy]

Hi PozRae

A very warm welcome from me too

[PozRae]

Thank you for the welcom everyone <3