I have abused others too...

[cakecrust]

After relationship with my ex, I find myself having some of his traits too, or more likely he programmed it in me on purpose..

For example I mimick him, in breaking stuff, like he always do, like I break the stuff of my little nephew, and also hit my father, like he hit me, or it's why he said "he wanted to hit his father" on purpose, so I would copy him. This behavior stops when I was drinking meds, so I keep on drinking my meds, I just didn't want my little nephew to see me like that.

I've also been desensitized to the word "kill" or "murder", so when I was with another guy, and ask what we're gonna do if we have a kid, I said to kill/abort the baby, I regret saying that cause it made him afraid --I've become abusive too, that's why I took therapy, I want to get back to the old me.

I haven't done any other abuse than that, but I remember being really angry, to my mother or other people, this is because my Ex-Boyfriend told me that I should be angry. He like if I do violence, he thinks it will make people want to stay away from me, then he get me for himself and I will only listen to him.

That being said, I drink my medicine consistently now and these behavior hadn't emerge. I just want to ensure peace in my home and make sure my little nephew have a good place to live. I think I will keep drinking the meds to ensure this behavior are not repeated.

I want to be totally free from his behaviour, hence from the PTSD. I think the trauma of having to deal with the consequences of his behaviour create this.

But hopefully I can move on in the future, as to not blaming him. again in the future. The problem is the behaviour has been copied by family members. I saw people become cruel because they see me being cruel. Especially the verbal abuse. I think I did it to people too, copying my ex. I'm afraid my little nephew copy this too. So I would really like for this behaviour to be gone via therapy too.

Also the sexual abuse, that I hold myself from not doing unto others. My Ex-Boyfriend had no morality, he would and would want me to do it with family members, that's why he gave me rape drug when I come home and lock me with my family, also he would want me to be raped, that's why he gave me date rape drug when I had to enter public transportation, he hope I will fall asleep and someone would rape me. He also tried to make me look like a prostitite by changing the way I dress and do my make up.

It's horrible, he make my room messy other than the bed to make me look like I wanna have sex with people. He force me to tell intimate secret to people I just met. He really tick me to the max and call me angry, abusive, by his bait and switch behavior.

I really wanna get out and once consider suicide as an exit, he really destroyed me and destroy my dreams and goals in order to make me his. I used to want to warn other girls about him, but friends said it's no use.

I try not to talk about him again and truly recover, but it's hard to recover from a year-long of abuse. Especially I'm pressuring myself to do things he wanted me to do, destroying my reputation etc, my family and friend's reputation. That's why people hate me and want to stay away from me. I still have the trait of the abuser with me.

Cause I lived with him and he was the only one I see. So I hope I can recover from his behaviour with lots and lots of therapy. I think I have become cruel to myself too. Forcing myself to do things I do not want to do, not listening to my own thought, not caring about my feelings, other people's feelings, being callous as he is. I've hurt so many people being cold and unempathetic as he used to. I even become unempathetic to myself and people around me. This affects my family, now everyone behaves like him and have his emotion. He was a sickness and I transfer it to my family and others near me.

So that's why I really want to recover. I don't want to hurt people anymore. Even if it's complex how I get it, I must make people copy good things from me, not bad things.

I think I can get through this. I hurt alot of people at work by being like this, and hurt a lot of friends too, I'm still toxic and note mentally healthy.

I hope in the future I can be a vessel of positivity, not negativity, I want to erase all this violent tendency and imagination that I basically got from him.

I hope I can do this.

X

[earthhorse]

That was a very brave and wise post. Yes I believe you can do it!

Be awesome to you cakecrust!

All the best in the world to you!

EH