Back for a visit

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

Moderators: Harmony, ajei

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pianoman
Member
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2021 1:32 am

Back for a visit

Post by pianoman »

Okay, not sure what constitutes an old timer, but I am still alive and have been checking into this forum for a few years. I have actually left a post now and then. Just realized that when I started I had a different username and thought it was another forum. Apologies. Feels like I have been three different people in five different lives since 2017. Not sure who to contact here to clean up my old mess. I guess I posted here some as wabbit. Hope it doesn't get me kicked out of here. Just now healing enough to realize I do things like this all the time from the aggravating compartmentalization and fragmentation that comes with a CPTSD. I don't know, maybe a part of me knew. That is what is so irritating about this kind of brokenness. Had a fair amount of EMDR and Ego State therapy, enough to start coming together as a person but still just frustrated a lot. Cannot make a clear decision at times and people often look to me for wisdom thinking I know what the hell I am talking about, not sure why they do it. Glad no one can read minds or I would be in a lot of trouble. Starting to finally heal enough so dissociation is not evident and creating havoc at work but damn it is still frustrating. Not sure this ever goes away. Did not even know I had it for years. I know and still struggle with crappy sleep, nightmares, dissociation etc., but feel a whole lot better overall. People that know me the most see how I can finally be the gentle person that the cosmos meant be to be before all the trauma dispensers had their way years ago. Just frustrated. In the meantime, my faith has changed and is now something I don't even know what it is anymore. Had to leave mainstream Christianity behind and have found myself in the midst of tarot cards and esotericism. The tarot gives me a way to reflect all those fragmented parts of myself in the mirror of their symbols and give me some semblance of what is happening on the inside. So there is that I guess. Getting better, but sometimes feeling worse. Also noticed now that I know about the part of me that holds the pain during dissociation, it does it less. So I feel pain more, but it isn't fair that part had to hold it all the time. Getting better does not always mean feeling better I guess. But being alive after a great many years feels like an accomplishment, and more so every year that I make it to another one.
dancingfish
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:39 pm

Re: Back for a visit

Post by dancingfish »

A very warm welcome to you pianoman, it's wonderful to see you here. :) It sounds like you've been doing a lot! Good to hear you're feeling better overall, but I understand how frustrating and hard it can be at times too.

If you have any questions about your forum account I think you can pop a message to admins by scrolling down this page and using the "Contact Us" link, it's one of the options on the bottom right.

Hope to see you around whenever it's okay for you, and wishing you all the very best and dear gentle care for your deserving self.
Scars
Member
Posts: 878
Joined: Wed Jan 19, 2022 2:59 pm

Re: Back for a visit

Post by Scars »

Welcome back, pianoman.
scars
A scar is the tattoo of a triumph to be proud of. It says the hurt is over and the wound is closed. It means you conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger, and moved forward. There is a beauty in my scars that I can see now.
Paper
Member
Posts: 644
Joined: Mon Jun 13, 2022 9:14 pm

Re: Back for a visit

Post by Paper »

Hello pianoman, welcome back. I appreciate what you said, “Getting better does not always mean feeling better I guess.” Often when I’m struggling I automatically think I’m not doing it right, equating feeling good with healing, maybe. Some of my healing feels like when my hands or feet have gotten really cold outside then I come in and start to warm them up. It’s better that they’re warm, but it hurts for a while. I also relate to what I think you’ve described about the way different things heal at different rates.
"... I've been livin' in my own shell so long:
The only place I ever feel at home...."

"I Never Wrote Those Songs," Alice Cooper, Dick Wagner, 1977, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
poodledoodle
Member
Posts: 44
Joined: Thu Aug 11, 2022 6:47 pm

Re: Back for a visit

Post by poodledoodle »

Hello pianoman!

Welcome! I'm not an old timer yet (whatever that is), but I pray things work out for you. I don't know your story, you mentioned mainstream "Christianity", so not sure what that is, nowadays that could be almost anything. If I had to hazard a guess, I would guess you were involved with ritual abuse, possibly clergy oriented? Please forgive me if I seem to be prying, I don't want to pry especially since I have no idea what you went through...it's just that I had many "experiences" growing up in a...let's call it an "Infested" house, I have also dealt with the occult and other things of that nature in the past.

I don't want to trigger you. If you were abused by phony "Christians", I am so very grieved by that. A real Christian would not do such a thing. Many people use religion to hide their evil. My "abuser" was a so-called Catholic church goer, he was also a comptroller for one of them, I believe.
Please don't judge true Christians by what fake ones do. There are many wolves in sheep's clothing.
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