Traumatic amnesia

[RiseandThrive]

Hi everyone,
I had traumatic amnesia for almost two decades. Although my life has been greatly affected by the trauma, I had no recall of what I had gone through. During all those years I have been struggling to understand why I was doing/reacting to certain things the way I did. I had anxiety, and fears, felt overwhelmed under certain situations/places, and avoided people to the point where I gradually isolated myself from most people. My self-esteem gradually hit its lowest point when no achievement or compliment would convince me that I was good or at least good enough. Deep down I am still the same girl I used to be, ambitious, optimistic, and hopeful, although my trauma doesn't let me take control of my life and find myself. I feel like I'm floating inside the ocean and when I scream no one can hear me.
When I had flashbacks and nightmares, little by little, terror after terror, cold sweats and crying, I remembered... Probably the scariest experience in my life, after the actual events, but now I was reliving them over and over again. The added pain and despair was having my 'reality' collapse, just like that, and feeling like the life I have been living, the things I was trying to achieve have been collapsing because my brain was still protecting me from the danger. The personal sacrifices that I foolishly made so that I wouldn't hurt the very same person that caused all this...
Has anyone else been through this? What kind of therapy should I seek? So far I have been reading and doing exercises for focusing on calm, happy feelings when negative emotions arise. I think I need to talk to someone, although I find it difficult to trust anyone and open up to them.

[Harbor]

Hi RiseandThrive

I think many here have experienced the after effects that you have described. You are doing the right things to help yourself.

I can't tell you what to seek, but I can tell you what I have experienced that was helpful. I found a therapist that provided both regular therapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).

I'm not convinced that the eye movement part did anything for me, but it there is also an element of the therapist gently and slowly working with the patient in processing the memories while being alert for signs of distress. They establish an internal safe place with the patient in the beginning and then help the patient return to that place as needed and early. One can move through the memories in small nibbles without going on overwhelm and shutting down. Sometimes the sessions are slow and steady, sometimes there's a revelation, and sometimes it's enough to shore up that safe place because that's what's tolerable that session. A therapist that does EMDR is more likely than most to be knowledgeable in treating the sort of trauma you have experienced.

[RiseandThrive]

Thank you, Harbor. I have read about Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I have tried the self - Havening technique to calm my anxiety. It uses eye movement and touch, but I wonder if they have any other similarities. I think Havening has helped me to a certain degree. I can't tell if it's a placebo though. Not all professionals are fans. I have done the havening on myself when I felt that I couldn't take one more moment of all emotions. I started with 'smaller' issues to test it, like when I was overwhelmed and immediately wanted to eat, I 'fought' those emotions by doing the havening and it helped me calm down. When I tried to work on more difficult memories it was overwhelming and it took much longer to get to a place where I felt comfortable. So, yes, I like the idea of being around someone you can trust during the process and ideally a professional who can help me feel safe.

[Paper]

Hi RiseandThrive, I live with multiple people in my body. I have experienced what you’re talking about, traumatic amnesia, and the flashbacks, and cold sweats, and nightmares. And my life has been greatly affected by trauma, to my dismay. I had twenty years of affected time in which I did not remember but was still affected, then I was in a relatively safe place and the barriers started cracking, her and there, a little bit. My understanding of that is that when I relaxed alarm bells went off, saying something like “Don’t relax! It’s dangerous!” I also find it really terrifying. All of it. The process and the stuff. Where you say, “ I think I need to talk to someone, although I find it difficult to trust anyone and open up to them.” I feel this same way so much. I’m so weary. I think that’s partly from the energy that’s expended in the process of whatever it is inside me that tries to hold the traumatic memories at bay, yet I can see that with the memories that have come I quickly reach a place where I start breaking. I can’t endure much. I really can’t.

I used to judge myself as I was judged for my lapses of memory, saying to myself that’s not real, as was said to me in my childhood, but I learned when I was able to look back at a particularly bad car accident that it’s a real thing, and I’ve observed my traumatic memory loss around that accident, as well as a bunch of other trauma reactions, and I learned that it’s a process that’s real. When the mind is overwhelmed it protects itself. I’m able to extend that out now and I’m a lot kinder to myself than I ever was, I think. But it’s still a process, and I long for a safe trained professional to walk through it with me.

One of the people inside me is caretaking to people who abused me (others have a difficult time with it). I just wanted to say that I relate to where you talk about making sacrifices so as not to “… hurt the very same person that caused all this..”

I know there was more I meant to say but I can’t remember it now.

[RiseandThrive]

Hi Paper,
Thank you for your reply. It means so much to me. I find it so overwhelming when memories resurface. A part of me, my heart (that's what it feels like for me) doesn't want to feel the emotions and the pain, so burying the memories and acting like everything is 'fine' comes easy. But then there's this other part of me, my mind, that keeps bringing them up again asking me to deal with them. I desire to get rid of all the pain, hate, frustration, and overwhelming emotions that keep coming back with every trigger, but with my brain that wants to protect me. It's like I am fighting myself.
I had amnesia for a very long time, but I didn't have a 'blissful' life. My brain was keeping the memories away to protect me, but the cold shivers, panic attacks, and dissociation were there. I had many incidents where I couldn't remember people, or things I said I would do and didn't do. I felt so guilty and annoyed that I was so forgetful and flaky. My behaviour bothered me. I would blame it on anything, lack of sleep, stress...
It's so hard to trust, to trust and share thoughts and emotions, to share and be understood.
This took me so long to write. I don't know why. Now I feel tired.

[quixote]

RiseandThrive,
Sometimes it is hard to know which to choose: the amnesia or the memories.

[RiseandThrive]

Quixotes, exactly what you said.

[quixote]

RiseAndThrive,
We will support you either way: amnesia or memories.