Letting go

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joyagain
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Posts: 226
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2023 4:59 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by joyagain »

Hello honeybera,


I've been curiously and interestedly reading along for most of your posts this week.

So sorry to hear about your ATT time-stealing debacle. I can relate.

Glad you got your strawberries planted - or at least I believe you have - Hope so. Your place must just be teeming with nutritious yummy plants. Oh, I envy you.

You sure do like to keep busy and find such satisfaction in accomplishing things - me too, but I prefer not to juggle too many projects or I get over-whelmed (might be my ADHD or might be just my personality). I've been recently focused mostly on painting the exterior of my house all by myself, and doing the caulking and sanding and taping and cleaning up that goes with it. I like to not have too many projects as once, but a couple.

Also, I have a new found interest in growing (gardening) when I've really not had any before. Sometime last year, with a desire to live more sustainably and healthily (and while on a low-low-budget) I started with looking into composting and have done so since.

I also grew some cantaloupes by accident last year LOL but then just went with it. They were small but delicious, and so satisfying to finally eat something that I myself grew. I've been growing only from seeds from foods that I already buy anyways. I know that's not always a successful method. I failed with garlic and chick-pea, but I finally got some cherry tomato seeds to sprout in my window sill. They are tiny only about an 1.5 inch tall, but since in a shallow container, I think I will re-pot them in something deeper in day now. I have some organic Yukon Gold potatoes with eyes, ready to plant. Was holding off past March 15th because the Almanac said that's our last freeze date, but it's been warmer than usual, and I think I could and should have planted them already in Feb. But, I just wanted to give myself the goal of trying to get as much of the house painted as I could before the 15th and I need to pace myself at that.

I'm about to have a couple of surgeries, and so there will be down time recovering, and I won't be moving ladders for a few weeks, and then it'll be too HOT to paint much. I also wanted to get it done before the humid and the mosquitos and gnat season begins any time now (zone 9A). So, my gardening might still be putting on hold. I'm much more skilled and confident in painting.

I think I can learn a lot about gardening and preserving foods (like how you froze apples! I've done grapes but not apples) by just reading along about your projects, which I find very interesting.

I didn't plan to but suddenly found myself learning what weeds in my lawn are edible, and add them into my salad every day. I'm surprised at home satisfying that is for me. It's amazing to me that here I have free and nutritious food growing without any of my effort at all right in my small yard and didn't even know it. So far, I've learned to identify and add/eat Portaluca, Dandelions, Woodsorrel (two types- Pink and Yellow), and Wild Lavendar. Today, I spent tooo long of a time trying to identify another, unsuccessfully, but instead found another is Dichondra carolinensis or Pony Foot. I've also learned I've got to be more careful as some edible weeds look very similar to others that are in fact very poisonous! And, that I've been eating what I thought was different types of Dandelions, but one isn't! But it isn't poisonous. So, I need to slow my roll and be very sure, and not just trust one source, but check and re-check before I consume weeds.

Nice chatting back at yeah finally - hope you don't mind.
joyagain

Edited for grammatical corrections.
"Doubt is a beautiful thing. I think when faith is true, it can be under scrutiny. And I think that's the greatest value of true faith is being able to question it objectively and still believe it." Tyler Henry
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I need BLOOD MEAL (SUPER high in nitrogen) for my collard trees so they grow nice healthy leaves AND I need to cut the older ones WAY back and attempt to propagate the resulting trimmings to get MORE of these wonderful "trees". The leaves don't have as strong a flavor as regular collards (which should NOT be eaten raw, like in my smoothies) due to the TREE collards not having any of the oxalic acid contained in most brassicas (Cabbage, Turnips, Arugula, Kale, Broccoli, Kohlrabi, Cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, Mustard greens, regular Collard greens, Bok choy, and Watercress).
Lacking any of the oxalic acid that makes most brassicas slightly bitter, tree collards taste slightly sweet and nutty, even when raw, and their tender stems don't get stringy when you chew them. They compare to baby kale as a salad vegetable, but you can use the mature leaves, which grow up to 10 inches in length. - www dot hortmag dot com
I am SO GLAD that I've found these fantastic plants!! And my lastest ones that I got from Annie's Annuals (and are now sold out :x ), I planted right away into nice large 1 gallon pots. They haven't had to live through a summer with my terrible habit of NOT WATERING my plants enough during the scourge of SUPER HOT summer temps around here, and they are POSITIVELY THRIVING!! MUCH bigger leaves on them! And I'd like to help them to continue to thrive without adding too much fertilizer or whatever and hurting them accidentally in the process. So I studied...and studied. Lots of youtube videos! LOTS! And I'm coming away with some pertinent information. BLOOD MEAL (which I just got a nice 5 lbs. box of) AND/OR regular old FISH EMULSION is ideal for tree collards. Again, done with the Goldilocks theory in mind! Not too much, not too little, but rather just the right amount.

I have 3 nice new thriving TREE COLLARD plants and 2 are three feet tall survivors, all plants in 1 gallon pots. I may be able to successfully propagate several more from the leftover trimmings when I cut back the older ones (and the more the merrier as far as I'm concerned!) :mrgreen:

TODAY IS MIXING UP ALL SORTS OF PLANT MEDIUMS/SOILS/SOMETHING TO GROW THESE DIVERSE PLANTS IN. Each has their own needs. Tomatoes, peppers, and squash are all for the heat of the summer, but some plants don't like our intense heat. Some plants thrive on high nitrogen like blood meal (for my tree collards to develop big healthy leaves) while others, like the strawberries I'm about to plant, need a more acidic soil to thrive. The same goes for my tomato plants. But MAN OH MAN, does this ever get CONFUSING sometimes!! :|

============(NEXT DAY - Saturday)

HELLO JOYAGAIN! 8-)
joyagain wrote: Fri Mar 10, 2023 3:25 am Nice chatting back at yeah finally - hope you don't mind.
Mind??? NO, not at all! Welcome, welcome, welcome! :mrgreen:

I just noticed your post. I sincerely hope that you know what a godsend you are. I was really starting to edge towards that old "isolation depression" again, but just knowing that you're taking the time to actually read the L-O-N-G explanations of my experiences and follow along has just turned my head around. I felt so alone before. I know that the failed Silicon Valley bank has been in the national news lately ( :roll: :? scary stuff!) and I was watching it on TV this morning when they showed a picture of the bank's sign out in front...and just then a transit bus like the ones I used to drive drove by. And I began to cry. :cry: I miss driving. I really do.

I worked there for over 25 yrs. and EVERYBODY knew me! When I first began to drive in the late 1980s, I was teased about how long my badge # was, "Is that your badge # or your zip code!?" :lol: By the time I left 25 yrs. later, I had attached underneath my badge another smaller badge: "ONE MILLION MILES SAFE DRIVING". I wore it because it impressed people and they knew I was a seasoned driver and treated me with a bit more respect, but what they didn't know was that it only took 12 yrs. to get one. I was supposed to get my TWO million mile award, but it got lost somehow when I retired before I was able to receive it and I figured that it didn't really matter since I was retired anyway.

I just looked that bank up and it took me back to my old bus driving days AGAIN! I used to "lay over" there all the time. It's right next to a rather large transit hub/layover point where several routes converge and it has a small building with a bathroom (that I called The Bog because it was so nasty) right there on the light rail platform. I often took the light rail back to the yard from there. And the urge to just hop on that bus on the TV this morning and drive, drive, drive was almost palpable! I didn't "get" how deeply I felt about it. I'm still crying every time I allow myself to really see it and feel it.

I almost am tempted to contact someone to explain to them my story: abused when young (and even older until I just walked away defeated at age 70 - took me long enough to be really inspired to do so, but MD finally found a way), got caught up in The Great Society nonsense around 1969 (Welfare check, food stamps, Medi-Cal, and eventually even living in the projects), how I decided to go to (then free) college in desperate poverty while raising my then two children on AFDC, how Reagan stopped me at 10 semesters by withdrawing all my financial aid, how I got my class A license (called a Class 1 in those days) and eventually applied to be a bus driver (which was what I wanted to be all along and NOT a nurse!), and how that good paying Union job began to really change me. I no longer had to worry about how I was dressed; our uniform rules were STRICT and I was happy to comply and was complimented for it. I was no longer looked down on as to where my money was coming from. I EARNED IT! And I did it at a really tough job, transit bus driver in the Big City! I worked day or night, saved my money as well as I could, bought a house eventually, and paid it off 10 yrs. early. And I was very proud of myself. Still am!!

I need to quit writing right now. I have daylight and need to quit doing something that I can do at night and get busy with the garage first...AND those strawberries, too. I need to mix up some soil and find an appropriate pot and an appropriate spot to put it in until the rains out here lighten up. I have sunlight at the moment . But I'll be back! (This is a good thing, believe me!)

===================(back for a quick break)

Sometimes I amaze myself! I have EVERYTHING that I need already. I will run out of raised bed soil first, but not until I go through 7.5 cubic ft. of it (5 x 1.5 cu ft. bags of it I already have!!) now stacked neatly out in the garage and easily accessible. I also have TWO big 3 cu. ft. bags of peat moss, several 20 lb. bags of worm castings, a 50 lb. bag of rice hulls, SEVERAL big boxes of AZOMITE, AND a TON of 8 quart bags of seed starting soil. WOW! I had no idea that I had that much stuff out there! PLUS I have at least 3 new (unassembled) tall metal garden planters on wheels! If my plants can't take the heat during the summertime, I can just roll them into the shade for a few months. :mrgreen:

I have a wagon (also unassembled) that my pull sled fits into to make it easier to fill up with this soil mixture and fill up these new planters. My old planters were plastic and DS wasn't always gentle with them and they're also old now, too, but no one sells them anymore, not even Amazon where I got mine. So I got these instead. Plus I have everything I need to make those cardboard box planters. And I'll have my new composter as soon as it quits raining...although the sun is out here ATM. It seems to be raining east of here (looking out my "Window on the World" aka my WOW) AND they just sent out an evacuation notice for people living next to a nearby river, but we are doing just fine. (We are truly blessed!)

======================(Monday)

I got a lot done today! Did my pills and cut up a ton of cardboard boxes and shredded them for my new composter (still in the box, but we're going out to see my DB for the first time in many, many years day after tomorrow when the rain finally stops and will bring it back all put together). YAY!!! I have several large garbage bags full of the shredded "brown" stuff. I've also been saving my kitchen scraps. [Green (scraps) + Brown (shredded boxes/straw/worm castings, etc) + air + water = compost] They say it's "easy to do" on the videos, but it seems like it takes a bit of talent to accomplish "the right balance" to end up with the Black Gold (compost) that everyone is raving about in their gardens. We'll see.

It was a fairly nice day today. A nice break from the "atmospheric river" that has been coming through here for the last several weeks/months. It should dry out by the day after tomorrow (Wednesday). Kind of a nice relief really, but we sure did need the rain! Tomorrow it will be MAJORLY raining again :cry: BUT I have prioritized it as a day to make a couple of homemade "raised beds" out of some saved heavy duty cardboard boxes wrapped in chicken wire. I get a LOT of delivery boxes here, and up to this point I've just been shoving them into our green can and off they go to the City so they can make them into compost. Well, that has stopped. I can shred them for MY OWN compost OR I can use them for raised bed planters.

The dogs enjoy shredding my expensive Smart Pot planters, and you should see what they've done to my raised beds #1, #2, and #3!! RUINED!! They literally tore them apart! They were sort of cheesy anyway, but I suspect that the rats were lurking under there judging by the depth of the holes my girls dug! They dug under my bathroom window so deeply that the tall planter that had been standing there collapsed and fell over into the hole they dug near the foundation. Sometimes they just dig out the soil from the pots and then chew up the Smart Pots. So I've decided to plant inside these old cardboard boxes covered in chicken wire - not a happy chew for a mischievous dog (or two) and indeed cheap if they don't work for some reason. I have a lot of peppermint oil to help deter any rats (rats supposedly HATE the smell of peppermint, as do ants - we'll see.) and I'll stick a few cotton balls soaked in peppermint oil on the outside of the box, too. These boxes are also movable in case the plants don't like it where I stick them at first. TOMORROW IS THE DAY to begin assembling them - one box at a time - and filling them up, ready for planting.

EVERYTHING is growing like mad! As a lark, I cut off the bottom of my celery that I bought from the store, saved the inner leaves for my smoothie and the stalks for my snacking with pimento cheese, and plopped the bottom into a little cup I had and put a bit of water in it. Would it grow? I figured probably not, but what the heck? I looked over at it today and what do you know?! IT HAS A LITTLE SPROUT OF LEAVES GROWING OUT OF THE TOP OF IT!!!! So darned CUTE! I understand that I can do the same thing with onions, too - and potatoes and sweet potatoes can be grown from the little sprouts that I saw as something to cut off and discard. Heck, with some dirt and compost I can take a potato with an eye or two, plant it, and end up with a whole bunch of potatoes!! Same with sweet potatoes and "slips".

My strawberries are going into probably the FIRST homemade raised bed tomorrow. I have two kinds of strawberries: Albion and Purple Wonders. The Albions came bare root and are STILL sitting (much more happily) in my refrigerator door, and are TO BE PLANTED TOMORROW - but the Purple Wonders are wondrous indeed!!! They came in on the same date with the Albions but in little 4" pots, and they sat in my bathroom until I FINALLY moved them onto the east-facing window sill in the hobby room. The first plant had one leaf and a possible another one, too, but the second one had only one bedraggled dark gray-green leaf on it, VERY sad looking! I gave it little hope for survival. That was several days ago. Today I walked in there to see TWO lovely little Purple Wonder strawberry plants, each with several nice, new, healthy green leaves stretching upwards, leaning towards the sunlight, #2's original gray-green leaf laying on the ground, lifeless, and no longer even needed due to the new growth. I turned them both around, gave them a drink of water from the sink, and felt so proud of both of them. Looks like I'll have some PURPLE strawberries, too. :mrgreen:

It's raining outside now...again. And rain again all day tomorrow, but I have my chores lined up already. "Small manageable tasks" to do on the last rainy day for some time to come. :roll: But if I am successful (and I don't know why I wouldn't be), I will be ready to plant some things tomorrow. My Albion strawberries, some pepper plants (kind of late, but better late than never!), and some tomatoes, especially my every year garden favorite SunGolds! I'm thinking of adding vermiculite (water saving clay) to my soil along with perlite (those white Styrofoam like dots that are also water savers but for different reasons), some peat moss, some coco coir, rice hulls (also water savers), and good old raised bed soil, along with some azomite, mycorrhizae, and other beneficial soil additives (bone meal or blood meal), plus some organic fertilizers (fish emulsion with kelp).

Oooh! Almost 11pm. Bedtime for sure! Lots to do tomorrow. But just like Da Ahhh-nold: I'LL BE BACK!

Honeybera
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

joyagain, you mentioned dichondra. LOL That was an absolute FAVORITE "lawn" (more like a ground cover) of both of my parents! "Oooh, look at our DICHONDRA!! No one else has DICHONDRA! The DICHONDRA makes our house look BETTER than anyone else's!!" MD always spoon-fed my father a straight diet of narcissism and self-centeredness, and he meekly swallowed every bite without any questions. Sad that. He was a nice guy, but with an immense ego laced sharply with shards of vanity! MD figured out just how to manipulate those traits in him to her advantage while calling him a "wimp" to me on the phone when he was out in the orchard working, safely out of the way. She didn't respect him...except to his face. Then she became practically theatrical about it, always praising him to the high heavens...to his face. But he was actually easy pickings for her: when he went in to quintuple bypass HEART SURGERY, he INSISTED on wearing his toupee. They told him that he couldn't, but he caused such a fuss that they eventually allowed him to wear the darned thing. His vanity was a BIG issue for him, and his wife knew exactly where all his buttons were!

See? I wasn't the only one she abused. She did this to me, my father (always behind his back, but never did this to my DB), her sisters (my aunts), and anyone not looking for a knife to be firmly planted in their back, for she was sneaky, too. It was just the POWERFUL role that she played in my life that made her abuse of me so incredibly harmful. She should have gone to law school, become an attorney or something, and gone into politics. She would've been really great! She should have married my father. It would have sort of fulfilled the dream, but NO KIDS! Or if she did, hire a nanny or two. She would have done well with servants. :roll:

But instead she chose "Housewife". A tyrannical, bitter, and angry housewife to be sure (unless someone was looking), but a housewife nonetheless. She would get up with me to get me dressed, fed, and off on the long walk to school, tidy up a bit until my father woke up, then have coffee, newspaper, and conversation with him (and whatever else they did) without me until I was about to come home from school, then my father would go on his "service calls" (he had his own small business where he fixed/repaired TVs), and he'd return for dinner at precisely 5pm. We'd eat dinner, he'd go back out if he had any more service calls to do, and I'd be sent to bed. That was it. Rinse and repeat.

===============(Thursday)

I called DB today. DB agreed to help get all my ASSEMBLY work done...so many things to ASSEMBLE!! First thing is to get DS, who has promised me an entire day of his attention and help on Saturday, to load up the back of the pickup. I have my COMPOSTER, 3-wheeled dog jogger (that I can hold on to as I take a walk, kinda like a walker or a shopping cart, but much more cool in BLARING BRIGHT PINK! :lol: ), my chain saws (yes, plural - I have 3 different sizes, all of which need assembly and I'll need instruction), several new tall planters, my HUGE yard wagon (to haul straw and blended soil/compost around the yard), and my new Bissell pet wet/dry vacuum and shampooer for carpets and hard floors. I'll be able to clean my bedroom and hallway carpets for the first time since old Spot passed away a year ago. I always put down large potty pads, but she wasn't always a good aim, if you know what I mean. I cannot WAIT to clean and scrub my carpets!! And it works on the vinyl planks and linoleum, too. DB said he'd put it together for me and all the rest of it, too, on Saturday. YAY!!! :mrgreen:

I've also decided to get everything STAGED in the garage tomorrow, ready, ready, READY to simply raise up the garage door and load it conveniently up in the pickup on Saturday to travel the hour out in the country to my brother's house. The next day (Sunday) I'm prioritizing my front lawn for a good weedeating - in fact, I may even start after I get everything ready out in the garage tomorrow for Saturday's trip. I might finish the weedeating tomorrow if I have the time to do so, but I'm not sure. However, Sunday it's a priority!!

I'm already opening up some heavy boxes in the front room which are turning out to be the many sacks of all types of organic fertilizers and soil amendments I ordered recently and then they got buried in the front room under OTHER heavy boxes and got lost. So today I "got familiar" with what was in there. Especially wonderful was that I found my blood meal (4 lbs. already purchased!) with an N-P-K of 14-0-0! That is STRAIGHT NITROGEN! And plenty of it! My collards should LOVE that!! It honestly is slowly getting all sorted out.

Today within an hour of DS taking off for work, the RING doorbell rang and a package from Burpee's arrived. I was confused as to what it was, but it was THREE semi-healthy tomato plants...not seeds. PLANTS: 1) Vivacious Hybrid 2) Two Tasty Hybrid and 3) Midnight Snack Hybrid. I do well with tomato plants (and they always love the summer HEAT :oops: around here!), so all should go well, especially with fresh compost and added water conserving vermiculite and perlite plus coco coir and peat moss and rice hulls. That should really help with the frequency of watering this summer!!

And besides, I haven't even stuck one SunGold seed in the ground yet :( so I'm sort of grateful for little plants already. I dampened them tonight and I'll plant them in the morning. I'll make some nice Split Pea with Ham soup tomorrow, too, and while it's cooking, clean and set out the hummingbird feeder and put out the ant deterrent on the pole (lasts for the entire season) and begin the weedeating after setting up the pickup loading boxes to be assembled and we'll load them up on Saturday.

I just fell out in my recliner. Zzzz! Full meal (One Meal A Day), cleared my recliner of cardboard boxes and backyard (mostly hummingbird) items for the first time in a LONG, LONG time (my priorities for today), sat down and ZONK!! Off to bed now. I have a HUGE day tomorrow. I have to put the dogs to bed, too, right now. Then back to Zonkland! :mrgreen:

Honeybera
dancingfish
Member
Posts: 1303
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:39 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish »

Hi honeybera, it is so good to see you here and hear all of your determination and will to survive - and thrive! - drawing you onwards. You're doing absolutely marvellously, every single moment. :)

What a brilliant thing to do and reach out for help from your dear DB - and the delicious knowledge that it's the opposite of what your MD sadly seemed so fixed on. You keep doing you, and know that you can have all the help, support, and care you could wish for! Reading along and looking forward to hearing what happens next in your garden, whatever that may be! :)
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

I'm stepping away from youtube for a minute. TOO MUCH INFORMATION! AND I am prone to wandering off task - and I mean SERIOUSLY!! :mrgreen: Tomorrow is the big day: DS and I go see my DB. I made progress today in getting things staged, but not in the garage too much. BUT I did stage them at least in the front of the house and the pickup is on the driveway, mere feet away from the front door. My vacuum has been moved to the front room (or was it the garage?) and my chicken wire (for my new dog-repellent cardboard box "raised beds") is now back here in the storage room until the garage can handle it. The HUGE and tall cardboard box that the chicken wire came in has already been cut up and is about to be shredded (for composting). My arthritic hands began to ache even with my WORX electric scissors so I'm giving them a rest.

I started watching youtube videos on how to make a really good split pea soup since I haven't made it in years...and slowly wandered off and got lost in how to regrow kitchen scraps like my adorable little celery plant (along with two others by now), sunbathing happily on my window sill just above the kitchen sink. I didn't know how to grow it further nor how to properly water it nor even if it WOULD grow! But I got my answers and they all say YES (plus 1" of water and then out into the GARDEN once I see tiny roots on it)! I already buy organic celery (that "dirty dozen" thing re: pesticides that we ingest), so I'm already good on that fitting in in my organic garden. I'm growing CELERY of all things! :roll:

I also checked out growing blueberries here. I failed miserably before!! But now (thanks to youtube) I've figured out why I failed! I need to get the right plant for my weather (blueberries are usually a COLD weather plant, but some folks in Las Vegas NV and Phoenix AZ have success growing them there!) AND get the right acidity in the soil! No wonder they all died! So I'm going to probably get some more blueberries, probably in the Fall when the cold begins to set in here in Zone 9b. The right plants for this climate and the right pH in the soil should possibly make me an organic blueberry gardener, too. I'd really given up until I watched this youtube video. Now I have hope. :lol: If Phoenix (also zone 9b) can do it, so can I!! ;)

================(Saturday)

May I cuddle up with all of you? DS and I went out there to the Ranch today. My brother was terrific and WOW! did he ever do a good job on what he could (DS left the instructions at home for my composter :x AND also left my entire WORX chain saw set behind the doorway in my house, now still gathering more dust), but DB has invited me to come back to pick up the composter at a later date. I NOW HAVE: my wonderful wagon built, 3 tall metal planters (DB even welded the wheels on since they kept falling off - problem solved!), two of my much smaller chain saws uses were explained to me (BLESS HIM FOR DOING THAT!), and my new fancy-dancy Bissell vacuum-steamer is completed and I'm ready for cleaning my filthy carpet. So why am I now so darned depressed??

I just want to sit here and BE QUIET...NOT SAYING A SINGLE WORD. Crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head. My brother wasn't rude. In fact, HE was very very nice and even kind and super helpful, but DS...not so much. He's been pissy all darned day. We three did most everything outside at the Ranch, but I did have to run into the house to use the restroom a couple of times and was STRUCK by the sameness of it. My SIL changed almost NOTHING in there prior to her passing. MD lived there for decades and even the wallpaper and carpets were the same, right down to the toilet paper holder that DS had disassembled at about age 6 and pocketed an ornate screw that went to it. Typical kid stunt, but MD made a HUGE stink about it until I got him to admit what he'd done and brought it back to her (100 miles away). He said it was "pretty". Same butterflies on the bathroom wallpaper, same double oven and same stained glass window over the stove in the kitchen. DS and DB were outside while I was in the house all alone noticing the sameness of it all. Really creepy.

And MD had a wall of mirrors on one entire side wall of her living room - and it's still there. She said she had it there so she wouldn't gain weight and it kept her honest. I sat down upon stepping inside the house on a tiny settee bench facing those mirrors and saw myself sitting there as fat as a hog! MD is gone to her reward, but her memory and the triggers it brings are still there! The grandfather's clock is still there, too. So is the WHITE carpet (on a Ranch!!) and the "elegant" dining room furniture, etc, etc, etc!!! DB did change the doorbell chime from Westminster Chimes (UGH!!! :x WAY too pretentious for me!!!) to just a regular ring ("ding dong" period)! I'm finding my brother very down to earth, very much like me. Common sense and not too worried about what others think.

I just changed into my muumuu and feel a bit better. Sometimes I feel like I just don't belong to this city beyond my front door. We're even losing some neighbors, good neighbors. They seem to move out in the middle of the night so quietly. None have been what I'd call close, but they were consistently pleasant to me and DS.

More rain overnight and tomorrow - ½" all day. Then dry on Monday, rain AGAIN on Tuesday and Wed., THEN FINALLY THURSDAY-MONDAY DRY!! I've got to get my 3 newly assembled herb and onion and garlic planters with wheels on them :mrgreen: set up with soil and plant them. But while it's raining off and on, I can get my carpets shampooed, clean my bathroom with scalding steam (works like a charm), and hack away at the STORAGE ROOM and the GARAGE. When the sun peeks out, I can weed eat the front yard, then the backyard. But right now I need some MAJOR sleep. I fell out of a chair onto cement today. So it's time to rest up.

Honeybera
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

OMG!! Dearest dancingfish!!!!! HELLO!!!! :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: SO SO SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!! <doing a big happy dance!!>

==============(next day [Tuesday] due to me doing work, work, work out in the front yard ♥ - more on that later)
dancingfish wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 8:43 am Hi honeybera, it is so good to see you here and hear all of your determination and will to survive - and thrive! - drawing you onwards. You're doing absolutely marvellously, every single moment. :)
Oh my dear dancingfish, I truly wish I could just graciously take a simple bow, but I cannot. I am beginning to understand my overwhelming emotions though. I guess that is a real improvement. But first...
dancingfish wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 8:43 am What a brilliant thing to do and reach out for help from your dear DB
Well...sort of. I did not reach out for his help. HE VOLUNTEERED IT, and in desperation and utter relief, I ACCEPTED. Just like that. He told me yesterday (by text - with a pic) that he'd finished assembling my beloved composter. IT LOOKS TERRIFIC!! (He's "dad-trained", and my father was exacting in everything he did the same way. ;) ) AND to top it all off, he assembled it WITHOUT INSTRUCTIONS. DS had "forgotten" to put them into the box with the rest of the stuff, so DB had to pull up assembly instructions on the internet. :roll: DB had already assembled my large yard wagon (with many compliments on my wise purchase of such a good, sturdy product), my THREE tall metal planters with wheels that kept falling off until he welded them on in his HUGE workshop, and even assembled my new fancy vacuum cleaner. And he (as an orchardist) explained my chainsaws to me and how to use them, soothing my fears of them absolutely.

He also had me bring my guns that I purchased about 2 yrs. ago, and he complimented me on their purchase, too. He has acreage way out in the country, is completely aware of gun safety and their use, and set us up a very safe place to practice. I was happy to allow him his request of firing my guns for the first time. VERY happy, for I was sort of terrified of them at first. He slowly and patiently showed me the RIGHT way to handle them, how to load, where the safety was and how it worked, and now I am a LOT more comfortable using them. I plan to go back to try, try again until I am COMPLETELY comfortable with their use (self protection in these frightening times). Besides, it gives me an excuse to go out there to visit with my brother. ♥ 8-) ♥ He even had DS use a propane torch and make a burn pile for all the cardboard that we brought out there. DS will not forget that. It was fun! My DB ROCKS!
dancingfish wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 8:43 am ...and the delicious knowledge that it's the opposite of what your MD sadly seemed so fixed on.
Oh YES, there's that!! I believe that in his isolation since his wife died of COVID (Dec. '21), DB has mellowed significantly and become a truly beautiful and thoughtful person and that he wants to accept me as exactly what and who I am, despite the lifelong trashing and badmouthing that I took from MD IN FRONT OF her growing son. But therein lies the rub! And why the visit out to the Ranch, as positive as it was, has brought up in me some terrible (but hopefully very useful) feelings. Mostly feelings of SHAME and "NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH" or unworthy! NOTHING my DB has done. Quite the opposite. He has been incredibly supportive and not in the slightest judgemental. No...that is all coming from DEEP inside ME!!

Just walking into that house to use the bathroom, the same one where MD yanked the towel from my naked body just out of the shower when she let herself in there with her key since I'd locked the door. ("This is MY house and I go where I please AND when I want to!!") She then stood there gawking at me stark naked, my towel in her hand, and said, "OMG, [my name]! LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE DEFORMED!!" referring to my growing belly. I am apple shaped, like a guy. Not pear shaped, like other females. And what she saw was the beginnings of my INSULIN RESISTANCE, my T2D, even before I knew what it meant. In other words, I have a pot belly, a "beer gut", although I don't drink alcohol, and it's been sneaking up on me all my life. It's why she'd jeer at me when I was a kid, "POT BELLY NELLY with the BIG FAT BELLY!" She loved to call me names. Real mean girl without any restrictions on her. Like living with a hideous bully, day after day, for to completely HUMILIATE me was her greatest delight. :|

So yeah, I got triggered inside that house TWICE, first when I sat on that settee as soon as DB opened up the door, and saw myself sitting there staring back into the Wall of Mirrors (MD's Wall of Mirrors!!! put in there to shame herself and even me, to ask ourselves, "Are we too FAT?") Even from beyond the grave she got me! And then the flashback from 40 yrs. ago in the bathroom! And I have felt ASHAMED, FAT BEYOND BELIEF, AND UNWORTHY ever since.

BUT NOT NOT NOT SUICIDAL!!! No, quite the opposite of that!! I feel like I need to do even MORE to overcome this. After all, it's all coming from within and not from without this time! And WHY should I be sitting here listening to my INNER CRITIC? Beats the hell out of ME!! :roll:

But then the final blow. DB is going to DELIVER my very heavy composter, brand shiny new and assembled perfectly, TO MY HOUSE so that he and DS can get it into my backyard for me! His house doesn't look like it did when MD was doing the housekeeping, BUT it's nothing compared to what's going on here. I'm terrified of him going back to judging me (so I'm judging myself first?? - perhaps). This is a work in progress here. I am doing what I can. I NEED TO to reverse my health issues and that can only be done with DIET - SLEEP - and EXERCISE. I've gotten the other two down pat, but that last one is what I need to focus on!! I AM SEDENTARY. OK, so what? I have some control over that. It may take some time to complete this "clean the house and organize" project, especially at my age. I cannot stand "going to the gym" to do repetitive exercises on a machine that produces nothing. BUT I DO LOVE MY GARDENING! And THAT is EXERCISE, too!!! So I'll do what I can.
dancingfish wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 8:43 am You keep doing you, and know that you can have all the help, support, and care you could wish for!
I can't be anyone but exactly who I am, warts and all. I've taken an hour to write this all out, to SEE it on the screen, to ABSORB it, and LET GO of much of it!!! I'll only keep the stuff that keeps me going in a positive direction. The sludge that keeps me down? NOPE! That goes out with the trash! I hope and pray that DB doesn't judge me or simply rejects me because there is nowhere for two people to sit (at this time!!) inside my house except for my room (recliner, now completely cleared off, and my computer chair) - and if he DOESN'T? <SHRUG> Oh well. (As I think about this, I truly doubt that that will happen.)

And speaking of support...OMG! First DB and all that he is doing for me, and yesterday I decided to weed eat my front "lawn" (actually all weeds, many over the 12" high which could bring a complaint by the City), using it as much needed exercise, when a man walking his gorgeous Boxer crossed the street and introduced himself as my neighbor of 10 yrs. He lives up on the corner and he offered to cut the rest of the "grass" (WEEDS! :lol: ) with his lawn mower. I thanked him, but said I was doing it for the exercise - so he offered to "trim" our "City planted tree" which was FULL of mistletoe, a terrible parasitic growth. It has spread all over the neighborhood via the wind and is making a mess of things. I said sure, please do. He said, "I'll be back in a half hour."...and he WAS! He did a great job, then rang our doorbell, and told DS. (I OWE THIS GUY!) I had told him that when my veggies became ready, would he like some? and HE said sure! WONDERFUL! He also offered his phone number and to let him know if I needed anything. He's a "semi-retired" trucker.

So DS, DB, and now my neighbor R - I HAVE SOME HELP! I don't want to be TOO dependent (but that'll never happen since I'm such a cussed INDEPENDENT person, and even a bit of a recluse), but just in case, it's really nice to know.
dancingfish wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 8:43 am Reading along and looking forward to hearing what happens next in your garden, whatever that may be! :)
So thanks for reading along for all these years, dear friend. And for today, I really needed to write all this out journal style, to see it and deal with it. Having SHAME and tears behind it, and allowing MD to even creep back in disguised as my INNER CRITIC is appalling to me. THIS SATURDAY, anticipating DB's visit to MY house, I will make a place available for the COMPOSTER out in the yard and I may even ask him to help me disassemble the dangerously Leaning Tower of Mystery Boxes out in the garage down to my level so I can start on them, too. He's the one who stacked them up 10' high some 21 yrs. ago when I moved in. If he can just get them down to where I can address them, I'll be fine. AND IT'S ALL EXERCISE, which is what I need if I'm going to live. And that's no joke. Putter, putter, putter - until it's all done. :mrgreen:

NOW...♥FOR THE GARDEN♥!! TODAY'S CHORES (it's raining all day today, but we're out of the drought...FINALLY!): in the Hobby Room, make some seed starting/potting soil for my strawberries (purple which look GREAT on my window sill and the Albions in the fridge that I hope will forgive me :oops: ) and my 3 little tomatoes (Vivacious, Two Tasty, and Midnight Snack - Vivacious orange, but the others very dark tomatoes, IIRC) sitting in my bathroom attempting to survive. I just went back to Burpee's dot com to read about them and I can't wait to try them! "Better than SunGold??" Oh HECK YEAH! I also need to PLANT my PEPPER plant SEEDS FINALLY!! VERY late on the peppers, but better late than never. And I think I'll plant my squashes very soon, too, along with some melons maybe. I've never done melons before, but I'll have plenty of room as long as the varmints don't eat them. EVERYTHING will be organically grown (since I'll be the one growing them ;) ) and most are veggies that are on the Dirty Dozen list (tomatoes, peppers, apples, peaches, pears, and even my strawberries and collards to name a few). (Dirty Dozen vs the Clean 15 - see the internet - it's regarding excessive pesticide use, but ALL are fine to eat if grown organically without pesticides). And always wash ALL veggies before eating, organic or not.

The rain is lessening rapidly. We don't get summer rain here - it can rain (drizzle maybe) one day in the summer, but it's VERY rare! No snow in the winter (not here, anyway) and no rain in the summer. Temps rarely get below freezing all winter long. Our "last frost date" is Feb. 15th! So the time is nearly here! After Saturday's visit by my DB, I'm going to do some serious pruning of my trees. If they make it, GREAT! If not, I can always buy some more and plant them in better places and with better methods than I did with these.

OH!! And our next door neighbors MOVED AWAY! We saw the painter's over there doing the entire house. They also took out ALL of the backyard trees, INCLUDING the diseased peach that had Peach Tree Canker and spread it to MY peach trees. That tree of theirs is GONE!!! Not climbing over the back fence like their kids did while stealing my fruit! Also our across the street neighbors moved away. Their kids lit my backyard straw on fire on Fourth of July weekend shooting off illegal fireworks. We are the last of the original owners. Everyone else is new.

I indeed have a LOT of gardening to do. PUTTERING stuff. One little project a day plus watering should do the trick out there. I'm getting some cement work done out there, too, so the whippy weeds (VERY pretty deep purple Morning Glorys, but HORRIBLY INVASIVE!!) can't crawl up into my A/C unit outside AND I can put my new composter on it so it's really stable out there. Also after the 21 yrs. I've lived here, I'll have a path from my driveway to my backyard. That will be wonderful.

===================(9pm Tuesday)

I fell out completely after dinner. Nice dinner, ate it cold and got chilled, wrapped up in my wonderfully warm robe, and ZONK! Finally woke up and ordered the dog's food from good old Chewy. We were OUT. Going back to bed without "today's chores" not being done, but when I wake up again at 3-4am, it's the first thing that I'll do right after addressing giving the pups something to eat. I still have a 30 lb. bag of food, but the new stuff is on the way. I make them a mix of different premium quality kibble in a big pail (with a lid) and add a bunch of other stuff in there, like freeze dried organs, hearts, lungs, and so on and mix it up. These girls do eat well! For me to be down to one bag of dry dog food isn't good.

It's still bothering me about my DB coming here on Saturday, but I either accept myself and the mess that I'm in or I don't...and then feel utterly miserable about it. I believe what I'll do is thank him for bringing my composter all the way out here (probably done to please me) and get that out of the way, admit (to him and to myself) the state of my house, and invite him in. How he reacts is up to him, not to me. My house is cluttered badly, especially the front room. It ALL needs to go into the storage room, but that is still half full of other things that need homes (trash, donate, or keep) and need to be sorted. I cannot do all of that AND save my gardening plants, so first things first. It's a cluttered mess in here, but NOTHING like you see on TV. I am slowly winning this fight, BUT I can't get it ALL done by Saturday.

I also don't have anywhere to sit for company at the moment. I do have folding chairs though, and I have (as I said before) in my room a recliner that I have recently emptied out of "things to put away" (and I did already...y'know, puttering) and my computer chair.

================(10pm Tuesday)

OMG!!! I love love LOVE those youtube videos! I have to share this with you all!!! I know that you know that I have a dog stroller jogger STILL IN THE BOX and needing setup but instead just sitting in my cluttered kitchen blocking my cupboards. I bought it for TWO reasons: 1) so I could go for a walk without my canes, but it would serve as a "walker" for me of sorts, more like a shopping cart, and 2) to take my dogs outside in the front and around the neighborhood for socialization since they obviously believe strongly that only evil lurks beyond the front doorway. It's sort of a good thing since this breed often 'flees' (runs off). All these two have experienced is the ride home from the breeders (separation from their mother) and a chaotic trip to the vets office! Car = BAD BAD THINGS, but so does anything out there. The jogger (more of a walker to me) should help eliminate the horrible fear of THE OUTSIDE that they have AND help me to walk better around the neighborhood without using my canes and looking dopey as I gain more walking ability and strength!

In the past two weeks I have fallen down HARD...TWICE! The first time I was picking up a heavy package delivery from the front porch, tripped over some bottles in an overloaded bag on the floor in the foyer, and down I went!! I had one heck of a time getting up. No broken bones, but I wrenched my back and deeply bruised my leg. The worst part was DS had just taken off for work and wouldn't be back for hours, the front door was standing wide open (anybody could have just walked right in, but no one could see me laying there and come to help, either), and my cellphone was clear in the back of the house! I was HELPLESS for nearly a half hour while I slowly righted myself. It was scary! The SECOND fall was last Saturday while at my brother's place. He gave me a rolling computer chair on tilted cement to sit on. A hummingbird flew by me, like a dive bomb, and I thought the worst and leapt up only to have the chair go out from underneath me! DS said it was like a textbook Judo fall. I rolled onto my back, but was FLAT on the ground! My two strong guys were able to lift me up - and I'm no lightweight!!

I just saw several videos that show that using a shopping cart to walk can be extremely helpful for older folks or people recovering from strokes and other health problems, especially with problems walking (and falling)!! But to use a shopping cart away from a store is highly illegal. But HUZZAH! I have my jogger!!! SO...When DB comes on Saturday, I'm going to see if he would just open the box and set it up for me!! It would be so simple to do: just put the wheels on I think. OMG, that would be SOOOO GOOD!!!!!! And perhaps fix the Leaning Tower of Mystery Boxes (just hand them down to me from near the 10' ceiling out there where I can't possibly reach them and so they don't fall on my head as I'm opening the door to the backyard). I'd like to put all those feelings of SHAME that I wrote about earlier far, far away!! If he would do this for me, his sister, I would be SO GRATEFUL!! We'll fix it all up soon and invite him back once the TWO couches in the front room are accessible. :| I believe that all this will help me to heal up. It all depends on what I do with it.

I'm going to be watching one more video on...

===================(11:30PM) :lol:

Ok, ok...I got a bit carried away. :mrgreen: I ended up watching several. :lol: But I really NEEEEEED TO EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!!!! Not a little. A LOT!!! I also know that I need to make it interesting (gardening) and fun (taking my dogs for a stroll around the neighborhood) and satisfying (housework and organizing). And I need to take it somewhat slowly. I'm no spring chicken anymore. PLUS I learned from these videos that there are others out there that are a lot worse off than me, AND that it's not too late to change this downward spiral slide into the grave. AND I AIN'T GOING ON THAT SLIDE YET, that's for sure!!! :P

Time for the before bed rituals. Love you all for being here. (Is someone actually reading this??) :lol: Nighty night!

Honeybera
joyagain
Member
Posts: 226
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Re: Letting go

Post by joyagain »

honeybera wrote: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:55 am Time for the before bed rituals. Love you all for being here. (Is someone actually reading this??)
Me! finally got to the end at 11:11pm will reply tomorrow. It was fun to catch up. Nite
"Doubt is a beautiful thing. I think when faith is true, it can be under scrutiny. And I think that's the greatest value of true faith is being able to question it objectively and still believe it." Tyler Henry
joyagain
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Posts: 226
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2023 4:59 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by joyagain »

Hi honeybera ...so getting back to replying more fully, I'm here again. Well, first and foremost just want to say I'm happy for you getting all the support you have been getting like with your DB helping you get all those important things that you use put together and just going the extra mile helping you understand your chainsaws, and welding on the wheels to your cart thingy. I can only imagine how much that meant. Then, the neighbor too! Holy Molly that was very kind and thoughtful of him.

Now, next I can't not say something about you falling, twice! That one at your DB house with the hummingbird well reading about it and imagining it was something straight outta a comedy, but nevertheless must have been far funny in the moment. The other where you were at home and alone and took you a while to get your bearings again, wow, I'm just sad you had to go through these. I haven't had an unexpected fall for a while, they though give oneself pause, I think, even if you happen to avoid any serious injuries. Though I know we can trip over our own feet, still I like the way it sounds that you are clearing paths from the front to the back of the yard and decluttering. Clear the way, clear the paths, for honeybera.

Guess what I did? Hm... :roll:
The other day I back out of my driveway to pull back in and then over to the side to park on the grass parallel to it, so that my boarder lady could later back her car right up as close as she could to the door to load her vehicle up for her long trip back northward for her place for the summer. Well, due to how I am experiencing the effects of my retina surgery recovery and what it's like for my brain to process two different perspectives, one entirely a blur with fractals; I totally mid-judged and drove over too soon and got my car stuck on top of the cement barrier over the top of the ditch drain pipe - That was a first! It is kind of hard to defend but this effects me at seemingly random moments with depth perception, blind spots, and just plain old processing information. Thank goodness no damage to my vehicle, and while I cracked the cement it's not a critical issue. My 2nd oldest DS came to my rescue after he came home from work. I knew better than to trust myself trying to figure out the best way to jack up the vehicle and put boards under the wheels.

Back to you - Oh, I do hope that you get through your DB coming by without it emotionally side-lining you from your joys too much - being concerned about what he'll think of the mess - I guess though that might help your relationship grow deeper in acceptance of self and others differences - tell him you're taking it one step at a time.

Hoping you did get to the Albions in the fridge.

until next time,
joyagain
"Doubt is a beautiful thing. I think when faith is true, it can be under scrutiny. And I think that's the greatest value of true faith is being able to question it objectively and still believe it." Tyler Henry
honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

joyagain wrote: Thu Mar 23, 2023 3:11 am
honeybera wrote: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:55 am Time for the before bed rituals. Love you all for being here. (Is someone actually reading this??)
Me! finally got to the end at 11:11pm will reply tomorrow. It was fun to catch up. Nite
YAY!! And welcome back! :mrgreen:

It's 11:30am on Thursday. I have a TON of chores to do today, but I'm feeling a bit better, feet aren't as swollen. I should be able to get my Crocs on (sometimes I can barely squeeze them onto my poor feet). More later, but I can't use this as an excuse to not do my work. That last post WAS sooooo long, but allowed me to sort of skip on some important things. I have to fight the old procrastination as much as anything. First was the battle with the lifelong hurt and self righteous anger inside that MD had left with me (as a parting gift? Her estate for me?), but now I'm needing to OWN what is mine and what is under my own control.

And that revelation took a total of 15 minutes off my day. TIME NOW FOR CHORES, TASKS, AND OTHER THINGS that will ultimately make me happy when they are done! BRB ;)

=============(Nearly time for bed...) :roll:

...and I still have to make my smoothie and have one of the fabulous oranges from my DB's trees. I've been doing my taxes all evening. OMG. :shock: This year is really tough for me. Usually it's super simple, but not this year. OMG. I had the audacity to cash out my deferred comp, that little nerve-wracking darling of the IRS, and pay off my house with it and my life savings. I paid all my taxes on the money before receiving it, but they're claiming it to be pure income...I think ALL of it!! Someone has made a mistake somewhere, but I'm finding myself standing knee deep in the tall Turbo Tax weeds...and sinking!! So I'll call an "expert" tomorrow to see if they can help me if I throw some money at them. Fingers crossed!!

I did pay off my house so that I'd never be homeless again! Homelessness is a dreadful thing! And now my house is MINE. I heard once that the best and most comforting thing for a woman of advancing age is to know that her home is her own, and I'm finding that to be really true. No cranky, heartless landlord can toss me out at will into the street for lack of payment or "just because". As long as I pay my property taxes, I'm good, and that's approx. $300/mo. where I live. Piece of cake.

But my "income" looks like I made way too much for last year according to somebody, but certainly not me. Wow! :? WAY too much!!! So I'll ask an expert because I ALREADY PAID MY TAXES ON THE DEF. COMP! A full 20%!!! Before I got a dime. So what's up with this? Very triggering! Rapid transit directly back to Poverty-ville! But why should I worry? I am still saving paying the mortgage company a whopping $41k in interest alone over the next 10 yrs., so I'm not too worried. And I'm still getting a refund, albeit not what I usually get. I just want to do it right. BUT the BEST PART is that I have NO MORTGAGE PAYMENT every single month, and boy oh boy, does THAT ever make a difference!!! It goes in MY pocket and not the mortgage company's!! :P

I got some things done today before my legs gave out on me. Dog's food arrived and is mixed up and ready for them to eat. They're laying at my feet ATM, relaxing and being good. I found my TWO bags of Blood Meal fertilizer for my collards (NPK 12-0-0 for one and 14-0-0 for the other!! PURE Nitrogen!! That ought to get some nice big leaves on them!! :lol: ) I ordered some Espoma soil acidifier (strawberries, tomatoes) and a soldering iron to poke holes in plastic bottles to make a nice little DIY bubbling water fountain for the birds - instructions on youtube. Some of these bird folks are incredibly clever!

If it sounds like I'm having fun, I am. I'm also deciding to not fret over the small stuff...and it's ALL small stuff. But I have to admit that on Sunday when DB has come and gone and made up his own opinion in his own mind about me and mine, and when the taxes are done and whatever is coming my way as a refund is on its way, I'll breathe a sigh of relief and get busy with the wreck before me one chore after another until it's all done. ;)

=================(Friday 10:30am)

I DROVE TO THE LOCAL WALMART THIS MORNING FOR GROCERIES PICKUP! I did take DS with me, just in case. I sometimes get sort of lightheaded, but it's rare and usually happens when I lay down at night and goes away quickly. Heck, it was just like riding a bike: you never forget how. AND IT FELT GOOD to be back behind the wheel! It's been years since I drove last. Did the pandemic do this to me, or was it just me stopping? The staff at Walmart always leaves something out of my order, too. I hate that. This time it was my precious organic celery (for celery and pimento cheese - my FAV! - and I was OUT of it) AND some Jiffy HONEY Corn Bread Muffin Mix (for, of all things, KILLING RATS!), so I'm going to another Walmart this afternoon to pick that stuff up. NEXT MILESTONE? Going INTO the store, walking around (I LOVE to shop!), pushing a cart, and picking out my OWN darned groceries, and at as many stores as I need to go to to find exactly what I want! I'll let you know when that happens...

Re: the rat killing...Come to find out through a video, rats can't burp or vomit at all, or pass gas easily. So if you mix the 4 T. of dry HONEY flavored muffin mix (honey is the attractant, but cake mix or even plain flour will do) with 4 T. (equal parts) of dry baking soda (NO WATER), put it into an old plastic container with a lid after you cut out a rat sized hole in the side of it, the rat eats this totally benign (for us) mixture, and when it hits their stomach acid...well, baking soda with acid EXPANDS and they can't burp it out (or the other end, either) and they...sort of implode and die. Does it work? I'll let you know. Our problem is that if we use more lethal poison and then our dogs eat the dead rats, which they will do, it could harm our dogs. But if the rats die of "intense indigestion", :lol: no worries. Won't hurt birds, either, just the rats. <fingers crossed that it truly works!>
KILL RATS DEAD WITH CORNBREAD MIX & BAKING SODA youtube dot com (His videos are right there if you plug that into your search.)
My gift to anyone who may need this. It has rave reviews.

My chores are calling me. Today: dishes, weed eat and make room for the new composter (robust happy dance!!!!) coming tomorrow since the path is blocked by weeds galore, and do inside planting if I'm not collapsing from exhaustion by that time. But first things first, and my beloved videos on aging and reversing that trend for me have promised a great improvement SHALL HAPPEN within the next month. They are also promising that SEDENTARY LIVING "will be the death of me" - no kidding! My chair is NOT my friend! I'm facing a real struggle - and I know it - but I also understand the alternative, and it's something that I'm just not ready to face yet! I'm standing on the cliff's edge, looking down into the abyss, and it ain't pretty down there, so I need to do my dishes and weed eat the yard and plant my garden to the BEST of my ability on a DAILY basis (and I have to be HONEST with myself about that)!

If I actually do that, I'll be a secure and happy camper in a nice FUNCTIONAL house that I own outright proudly due to my own hard work. However if not, willing or not, I'll take that last plunge of no return, and that is not good at all! NO NO NO!!!! I haven't come this far to allow MD to win like that! I want to tend a bountiful (PURPLE) veggie garden with tiny bubbling "bucket fountains" everywhere and multiple bushes full of hummingbird-loving trumpet-shaped flowers and then take a rest in a clean and organized house. I'm willing to work to get that, too. It's totally doable...given time and a willingness to abandon my chair from time to time. And the TV, TOO! :lol:

Sending this now. I've got work to do! ♥♥♥ Love to you all!!! ♥♥♥

Honeybera
honeybera
Member
Posts: 1327
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera »

Whew! Time to sit down and feel relieved that DB has come and gone, delivered and fixed everything, AND MY TAXES ARE DONE, TOO (yesterday)! :mrgreen: DB's attitude was a complete surprise to me. He even offered to NOT come into my house, but I figured what the heck and invited him in anyway. We ended up talking for about an hour while standing near the front door as he was about to leave. I have 3 of MD's paintings put up in the foyer. She was a big fan of Bob Ross, and seeing her paintings got us to talking again as he was about to leave.

MY COMPOSTER is now IN MY BACKYARD!! HALLELUJAH!!! :mrgreen: ♥I know how to fill it and I know how to spin it and I know how to lock it in place.♥ SUCCESS!!! DB did a GREAT job!! IN ADDITION, DB, who is 6' 1", just reached 10' up and brought down several "Mystery Boxes" that he had placed up there 21 yrs. ago and brought them down to my level so I can now SORT THEM OUT! He kept saying, "What's in them?" and I kept saying that it didn't matter, that I just needed them accessible to 5' 3" me. Then I invited him into my ultra-cluttered kitchen and he unboxed and FIXED UP my new dog stroller. The tires are flat, but it came with a tiny pump, so once I pump them up (a top priority now), I'll take it out for a short walk, lengthening the walk a bit more day by day. I may start fetching the mail again, which is DS's job now.

Oh, and they sent me the BLUE stroller (very pretty!) instead of the intensely brilliant and garishly so P-I-N-K one!!! I like that blue color MUCH better! And it has real rubber bicycle-like spoked tires instead of the flimsy plastic tires that comes on everything Amazon sells nowadays, even for hundreds of dollars. Big plus there, too! These tires will last. And even the shopping cart-like push handle is great...and adjustable. PERFECT! 3 WHEELS on it, too, and very maneuverable! I just love EVERYTHING about it!!! IF USED DAILY, it will save my life...so it's up to me now! No excuses! :mrgreen: Just around the block to start, then go a little further each day. ♥♥♥ Hopefully it will slowly reverse my heart and lung problems, especially combined with my famous smoothie concoction, AND help me lose more weight! And a HUGE THANK YOU TO DB FOR THIS!!!

I also just called to a nursery a couple of small towns over from me and THEY HAVE LEMON TREES!!! (Hard to find in my State at the moment due to some pest, a moth I think, from Asia. They have quarantined the entire west coast and parts of AZ, and lemon trees can't be found anywhere unless at a HUGE price! like literally $169.00 in LA! They can't even SHIP them in!) In fact, this local nursery has a whole BUNCH of lemon trees! My poor old Meyer Improved just keeled over, LOADED with a ton of lovely lemons. Top heavy and over it went! DS used the new chain saw this morning on another tree to clear the way into our backyard (for the composter delivery by DB), and I'm glad of that because our Eureka lemon, while still very productive, has seen better days and needs to be severely pruned if it has any chance to survive. I'd like him to show me how the chain saw works and then I'll do it. The root stock has grown out of the Eureka up to a good 20' high (seriously) BUT is the absolutely FAVORITE perch of all the hummingbirds! So I'm going to cut the ridiculously tall 20' high "water sprouts" off low to the ground, save the leafless and dead wood they have become, stick each one as is into a bucket full of cement, and form a solid perch for the birds out there to feel safe on, a full 20' above the snarling, barking dogs who see them as "flying rats". :lol:
Watersprouts are the growth shoots originating from growth nodes either on the surface or buried in the old wood of a plant. Most homeowners have an instinctive wish to prune away these strange, disfiguring growths, which is precisely the right impulse to follow. - www dot thespruce dot com
====================(Wed. wee hours)

Not doing very well today. Health wise, fine, but mentally, not so much. I am so grateful for all of you. I'm grateful for being able to sit here at 2:30am and just write and know that someone occasionally checks out what it is that I'm saying and that they may take a piece of it and apply it to themselves. That gives me comfort.

I cannot figure out why I'm so down all of a sudden. Everything I asked for I got. Maybe it's just going to take a while for me to get used to being treated like this (in such a positive manner). I was able today to walk around the house some, heel-toe, heel-toe, rather than shuffle. My gait is SLOWLY coming back to me (Thank God!!), and I have ordered a pump to inflate my stroller tires so I can begin that process of going outside and walk with a dog inside the stroller (for weight) and enjoy a solid and supportive shopping cart feel to it. I have a whole lot of things like that air pump "on the way" which pleases me. Still, way down deep, there is something eating at me. I can't put my finger on it yet, but it will come to me - and THEN I can deal with it!

It is getting WAY too close to April 1st right now. I have nothing planted yet. Plenty of seeds and a lot of plans, but I'm not growing anything but my broccoli sprouts and some absolutely resilient old celery bottoms that now amazingly have the cutest little celery plants popping out from the middle of them and regrowing on my kitchen window sill. On the hobby room window sill sits my Purple Wonder strawberries and 3 different kinds of tomatoes. My Albions may not make it since they're still in the fridge...waiting. :roll: I considered just buying plants this year, peppers and one SunGold tomato, so I checked out what's available at Walmart and Home Depot online. OMG! It's horrible! AND EXPENSIVE! I've already got a TON of fabulous seeds of every kind, all organic and even quite interesting. So why on earth would I BUY crappy looking, diseased plants from Walmart? UGH. :roll:

So what is slowing me down to a crawl...and then a stop? I believe two things: 1) my trip out to my DB's Ranch (no fault of his - he was nothing but kind to me, so it's MY problem to solve and not to blame him in any way) and 2) (and this may seem petty, but to me it's NOT) I need to make some DIRT. Yes, DIRT. With coco coir (and a lot of other things), but I've never worked with it yet. I'll have to put it into my "summer sled", which is really like a 4' x 3' rectangular flat-bottomed pull sled to move things around my yard. DB just built the wagon that goes with it, using the summer sled as the intended inside lining for the wagon. Really cool! I'll put the coco coir block into the sled that we can place into the wagon, pour water into the sled and let the coco coir slurp it up for a while...AH! I'm seeing now that it's called "expanding the brick". And there are TONS of videos on how to do just that. Once that expansion is done, I can add all of my other things to the fluffed up (and sifted?) coco coir - and I'm ready to rock!

SO! Just like I did with baking my Keto YEAST bread :roll: (my god, I was SO terrified of working with YEAST!!), I need to just DO IT! Once I do do it, it won't be a problem! I need to take my coco coir brick, EXPAND it :lol: , mix it up with a ton of other things that I'm just learning about, PUT THE RESULTING "SOIL" into these many cardboard boxes, each one lined with a contractor's trash bag (3 mils thick) and wrapped up on the outside in chicken wire and sprayed with Bitter Apple spray (so the dogs don't destroy them), and plant my way happy! But first things first: I need to "expand" at least one coco coir block, fluff it up, and KNOW that I can do it and am capable of doing that.

MD really stole away my self confidence. I cannot let that happen! I need to snap myself out of this blue funk. I HAVE EVERYTHING!! Even my wishes for assembly of my many items are ALL DONE. (Thank you, DB!) I am slowly dismantling the chaotic front room, bit by bit. I also need to get some sleep right now. I'll be back and let you know of my progress.

Honeybera
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