scared all the time

[pastelshades]

For as long as I can remember I've been afraid, anxious. It always felt like something terrible was about to happen. My dad especially hated how frightened I was as a child. He frequently said I was too sensitive and mocked me for being afraid of everything. Back then I was mostly was afraid of him, but the fear seemed to radiate outwards until it coloured my surroundings and everywhere I went I felt like a hunted animal. The other children at school picked up on this and saw me as a target. School was hell from start to finish, I don't know how I survived it. I was always disliked and alone there, with the exception of the occasional friend, always a kid some years younger than me. I spent lunchtimes wandering around the school grounds alone, reading in the library or visiting my dad, who taught in the senior school, at his office a short walk from the playground. I never understood how to engage with my classmates and was silent unless spoken to. I'm thinking about this because I feel like I'm in a similar situation now. Even though I'm almost thirty I still feel like a scared little child, and I can't tell anyone I know because no-one understands. I have one close friend who I see occasionally, and a group of people I go clubbing with every so often. We all get drunk and high, which makes it easier. Easier for me to forget my shortcomings and weirdness. The rest of the time I spend in my room, wandering around alone someplace, sat watching TV with my mother who is usually silent or asleep, or with my cat. I feel like I've failed in some way and yet I feel unable to do anything about it, frozen to the spot. I feel like I should be having relationships, serious ones. I would like to very much. But every relationship I've ever had has been either abusive or unfulfilling at best. I don't trust anyone. The closer I get to new people, the less I trust them. The potential for getting hurt is greater and I can't forget it. I can't relax. I clam up like I did back when I was a scrawny kid. Unsurprising that I don't have many friends.

I don't know what I was getting at writing this, lately I've been feeling I've gone terribly wrong in my life somewhere long ago. Because I've done absolutely nothing it seems, nothing of any value. I'm not living a life I really want to live, just passing the time. There are so many things I would like to do but I'm scared to death to do them, to do anything. Take my job. I hate it and am not very good at it. But I've been in it for nearly 5 years now because it pays well and allows me to be invisible, and I don't know what I would do for work instead. I hate the way I live. I had some respite from feeling this way for 8 months when I was recovering from lung blood clots caused by covid. I was seriously ill and housebound for about 5 months, then I began to improve and started seeing people again. I don't know why, but the fear lifted. Because I was so physically ill (I couldn't even walk for long periods initially without pain) I didn't feel pressure to "be like everyone else". I told everyone, even strangers about my medical condition and they were sympathetic and accommodating. Instead of being terrified to socialise I was overjoyed to be with people and relaxed in their company. I thought of myself as potentially dying and therefore people's petty opinions were irrelevant and couldn't touch me. I went to social events sober or took magic mushrooms and I was so happy. I was so glad nothing mattered because I might die from my condition and thus I should enjoy myself as much as I could and not be afraid. I had always wanted to die young and now I had a reason to, beyond my control. It felt sanctified and a great relief.

Then I had the scans and the heart stress test, which left me bedbound for a month with pain, and the results came back normal. As soon as I read those words and processed them all the fear and anxiety sprung back into me like a bolt of lightning. It was hell. Now I feel like a frightened child again and wish I could go back to the summer version of myself, who though sick and in pain, talked to everyone and was unafraid. It feels like I'm wasting my life like this, living in isolation but I don't how to stop. Sometimes I think I would be relieved to die because I feel so clueless in life and unable to have relationships except on a superficial level. The second someone behaves in a way that makes me uncomfortable I mentally cut them out of my life and no longer trust them. I am not comfortable being close friends with anyone except my one friend, but she's different. She also had a dysfunctional home life and isn't afraid to talk about it. It's a great relief spending time with her, I don't feel I have to be anyone I'm not and yet I still keep her at arms' length. I don't know. It's normal to be this reclusive in my family but elsewhere I feel it's a very shameful thing. I feel ashamed a lot.

[Paper]

pastelshades, I can relate to so much of what you said here. So much that when I read this part I had to go back and check the name to see if I’d written it and forgotten:

but the fear seemed to radiate outwards until it coloured my surroundings and everywhere I went I felt like a hunted animal. The other children at school picked up on this and saw me as a target. School was hell from start to finish, I don't know how I survived it. I was always disliked and alone there, with the exception of the occasional friend, always a kid some years younger than me. I spent lunchtimes wandering around the school grounds alone

I’m glad your health improved but I think I understand what you’re saying about what a relief it was to have all the fear gone for that time. I’m sorry it’s back. I also have tons of fear and can’t get close to people and have big issues with trust and I cut people out of my life abruptly. I think those are common experiences for those who’ve suffered from abuse from childhood. It’s a response to that, a reaction to what you’ve been through, not your fault or failure. I go through those feelings too, and I’m ashamed. Sometimes I’ve got it in my mind that the shame belongs to the abusers, which I do believe is true, but my feelings haven’t caught up with that thinking yet.

[Redisfinallyfree]

OH. MY. GOSH! Pastelshades, I did exactly the same thing that Paper did! When I started reading your first paragraph, I too scrolled back up to see if I had written it and forgotten! I am completely serious. I HAVE written a lot of the same things you said. I don’t know if I’ve posted those things here or not. But WOW! You are definitely NOT alone.

I’m finding though, that the more of my story I tell and the more truth that I find, the less afraid I feel. For me, I’ve realized that how I felt about me and the reasons that I was not comfortable in my own skin, were because of the lies my abusers told me about me that I had internalized and believed. The fears I had and some that I still have that made me feel like a scared little kid are from issues I had not or still have not found the truth about. I still have some anxiety about the ones I’ve found the truths about, but it is not the crippling fear I had as a child now. Telling and being heard and being believed is such a powerful healer. You are braver and stronger than you think you are. You are here and posting some of your story. That is a scary thing to do.

Age for me is a BIG motivator to accept myself and to stop worrying and apologizing for being me. I turned sixty last November and it was a sort of wake up call to just get on with LIVING my life rather than HIDING all of the time. I am so sick of hiding! I have about a billion reasons for hiding myself from the world. NONE OF THEM started as MY OWN ideas. They were all put upon me by people who said or did hurtful things to me. Now, I’m kind of saying “To hell with all of them and their crap. It’s time to start living before I never start at all.” I think a lot will require me to trust people along the way. I’m figuring out how to be my own friend now and I believe that not knowing that has been the bulk of my problem. All of their lives, I’ve told my children to be their own friends first before they invite people into their personal lives. I had become a people pleaser who didn’t know who I was. The process of healing from abuse has helped me to remember the forgotten and hidden best parts of myself. I’m not quite ready to venture into friendships just yet. But, I am getting there. I find that I’m thinking about finding classes to teach me to do things I want to do or finding groups to travel with. It’s a start.

When you were focused on something other than your fear last summer, YOU chose to be comfortable in your own skin and you had a good time doing that. So, now you know that you CAN do it. That’s HUGE!! I hope you can use that knowledge to talk more to your closest friend about your history. You deserve to have closeness and real friendships. You are important. What you want and need matters and is important JUST BECAUSE it is important to YOU. Be kind to you.

Redisfinallyfree

[pastelshades]

pastelshades, I can relate to so much of what you said here. So much that when I read this part I had to go back and check the name to see if I’d written it and forgotten:

but the fear seemed to radiate outwards until it coloured my surroundings and everywhere I went I felt like a hunted animal. The other children at school picked up on this and saw me as a target. School was hell from start to finish, I don't know how I survived it. I was always disliked and alone there, with the exception of the occasional friend, always a kid some years younger than me. I spent lunchtimes wandering around the school grounds alone

I’m glad your health improved but I think I understand what you’re saying about what a relief it was to have all the fear gone for that time. I’m sorry it’s back. I also have tons of fear and can’t get close to people and have big issues with trust and I cut people out of my life abruptly. I think those are common experiences for those who’ve suffered from abuse from childhood. It’s a response to that, a reaction to what you’ve been through, not your fault or failure. I go through those feelings too, and I’m ashamed. Sometimes I’ve got it in my mind that the shame belongs to the abusers, which I do believe is true, but my feelings haven’t caught up with that thinking yet.

Thank you for your message Paper, sorry to hear you can relate so much but I'm glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's such an alienating feeling looking around and feeling like no-one I know understands. It's not something I feel I can ever express (except to my friend) it feels so shameful. I'm thankful for isurvive, I know I can come here and feel understood. I can really relate to the last bit of your post too, part of me is aware that it's not my fault I'm struggling like this, it's the abuser's but somehow I just can't get my mind and feelings to connect. I wish I could find a way to do this.

[pastelshades]

OH. MY. GOSH! Pastelshades, I did exactly the same thing that Paper did! When I started reading your first paragraph, I too scrolled back up to see if I had written it and forgotten! I am completely serious. I HAVE written a lot of the same things you said. I don’t know if I’ve posted those things here or not. But WOW! You are definitely NOT alone.

I’m finding though, that the more of my story I tell and the more truth that I find, the less afraid I feel. For me, I’ve realized that how I felt about me and the reasons that I was not comfortable in my own skin, were because of the lies my abusers told me about me that I had internalized and believed. The fears I had and some that I still have that made me feel like a scared little kid are from issues I had not or still have not found the truth about. I still have some anxiety about the ones I’ve found the truths about, but it is not the crippling fear I had as a child now. Telling and being heard and being believed is such a powerful healer. You are braver and stronger than you think you are. You are here and posting some of your story. That is a scary thing to do.

Age for me is a BIG motivator to accept myself and to stop worrying and apologizing for being me. I turned sixty last November and it was a sort of wake up call to just get on with LIVING my life rather than HIDING all of the time. I am so sick of hiding! I have about a billion reasons for hiding myself from the world. NONE OF THEM started as MY OWN ideas. They were all put upon me by people who said or did hurtful things to me. Now, I’m kind of saying “To hell with all of them and their crap. It’s time to start living before I never start at all.” I think a lot will require me to trust people along the way. I’m figuring out how to be my own friend now and I believe that not knowing that has been the bulk of my problem. All of their lives, I’ve told my children to be their own friends first before they invite people into their personal lives. I had become a people pleaser who didn’t know who I was. The process of healing from abuse has helped me to remember the forgotten and hidden best parts of myself. I’m not quite ready to venture into friendships just yet. But, I am getting there. I find that I’m thinking about finding classes to teach me to do things I want to do or finding groups to travel with. It’s a start.

When you were focused on something other than your fear last summer, YOU chose to be comfortable in your own skin and you had a good time doing that. So, now you know that you CAN do it. That’s HUGE!! I hope you can use that knowledge to talk more to your closest friend about your history. You deserve to have closeness and real friendships. You are important. What you want and need matters and is important JUST BECAUSE it is important to YOU. Be kind to you.

Redisfinallyfree

Thanks for your message Redisfinallyfree, that's uncanny- here I was thinking I was so alone in feeling this way.

That's great you're able to feel less afraid through telling your story, that's so true about abusers and it's so powerful what their lies can do but you're right, telling and being heard and believed is even more powerful. Thank you, it is a scary thing to do. I was always conditioned to believe that nothing my abuser was doing was ever "wrong" or "bad" it was just me being "oversensitive", pure projection although I'm still at the point where it doesn't feel that way.

I feel you, that's amazing you're able to push past the hurtful messages and live your own life. Being your own friend is a very hard thing for people like us it seems, I would love to get to that place. Our lives are our own, we don't owe them to other people despite what we were taught..

You're right, and the longer I know my friend the more I tell her about my history and why I behave the way I do now. I told her how lonely I was growing up and about my lifestyle and struggles now and she cried. She cares about me so much. Sometimes I think she loves me more than my parents do..

Thank you for reading my post and for your kind words, I really appreciate it.

[Redisfinallyfree]

You’re so very welcome pastelshades. You deserve to be happy and loved and free.

Redisfinallyfree