You must believe I love you!

[Redisfinallyfree]

YOU must believe I love you
My mother said to me.
Ignore my angry words.
You brought those out of me.
Do what I say, not what I do.
Show me that you love me.
Actions speak louder than words,
The narcissist said to me.
I put a roof over your head.
I give you clothes to wear.
I let you sleep in a bed.
I put food on the table.
I sacrificed for YOU.
Now you must pay me back
By doing all I want you to.
Don’t you ever leave me.
I will always want you close.
I may need you at the drop of a hat
To do something urgent, just like that.
I gave birth to you.
So now that is your fate.
You are not to mind
Whenever I am unkind.
That is my right for putting up with you.
You’re a lot to take
Being ever in the way.
I wish you’d been a boy.
Now that would have been a joy.
But since I got stuck with you,
Serving me is the least you can do.
This is our contract, til death us do part.
You’ve had your freedom but now that you are six
It is time for your service to start.
I won’t ask or tell you to do anything for me.
Instead I’ll get you to prove your love by volunteering happily.
Don’t expect any praise for praise is not for you.
I won’t make your life easy, so don’t expect me to.
You must believe I love you because I say I do.
It isn’t easy for me, you know, it’s hard being the mother of you.
And don’t forget, I love you dearly.
Clearly.

[Scars]

((((( Redisfinallyfree )))))
No words. Just hugs

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you Scars for reading and for the hugs. I’m actually okay. I don’t sit down and try to write poems. The beginnings of them always pop into my mind and then I sit down and think about what that beginning means and let the words flow. This one was a purge more than an expression of pain. It felt like it was about fully accepting the truth and gaining strength from that. And, it felt like it was also about letting go of the past and turning my attention to the future and the things I want to do. I’ve been enjoying baking bread and having a good day today. So many poem beginnings kept popping into my head. So I’ve been writing a lot of what I think are purging poems. It felt like cleaning my emotional house and it was good.

How are you doing? Not sure why, but I’ve got a feeling that you could use some hugs too, ((((((((((( Scars )))))))))))).

Your friend,
Redisfinallyfree

[mydha]

Recently processing my own early memories of CSA by my narcissistic father and I heard him in everything you wrote here I am so sorry for what your mother put you through. I feel your pain... I feel mine too! They couldn't. I am so sorry.

[Redisfinallyfree]

(((((((((((((((( mydha )))))))))))))))))))). Gentle hugs if that’s okay with you. I’m so sorry that anyone else recognizes their experiences in mine. I don’t know about your father, but I believe that my narcissist mother not only felt my pain but enjoyed causing it because she never missed an opportunity to make my pain worse. That was one of the hardest truths to date that I’ve had to confront and accept. She did what she did to me because she chose to and liked to and none of it was my fault. I cried and raged for several days with that realization. But, I’m stronger and better and freer for having done so.

Keep on doing the very hard work of processing. I’ve been doing daily intensive processing and only recently since my healing started back in August of 2017 have I had a whole day where I’ve not thought about my abusers even once. Last week I suddenly realized that I’d gone three full days without thinking negative thoughts about them even though I had continued to work on healing. It was the first sign I’ve had that I may actually be able to go from being a survivor to a thriver. Naturally, for me, it was followed by a terribly low weekend, but I guess that’s just part of my process. Whenever I feel good, fear threatens destruction unless I feel bad again very quickly. This too shall pass.

Be patient and kind to yourself. You deserve to be your own friend.

Redisfinallyfree