Feels like the abuse never ends

Discussion area for adult survivors who are afraid they might hurt others physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally. Also an area for those who have harmed someone physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally and want to heal. Sexual addiction can also be discussed.

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FloralSnake
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Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2022 5:10 pm

Feels like the abuse never ends

Post by FloralSnake »

I feel like my story should'nt have happened, I am very privileged, I come from a decently wealthy family, we were living in the capital of my home country. Although my parents were divorced, both of them were loving and supportive even if a bit distant at times, and sometimes I felt like I needed more affection, but looking back I dont blame my mom for this cause she had so much to deal with for me and my brother. It feels like anyone but me would not have ended up in my situation and I feel very guilty and ashamed of that. I often feel like I am weak and dumb, and that I, in a sense, deserved a lot of the things I feel I brought on myself.

I think this needs a lot of context so it might be a bit long.

It began when I was about 8 (exact dates and order of events are still very blurry in my memory) a few years after I was tested for high IQ and my result in primary school made my parents and teacher decide to make me skip a grade. Where I live there is a stupid meaningless diagnosis that translate to a High Intellectual Potential kid, which is just based on your IQ score, and since I recieved this diagnosis my parents started unconsciously putting on a sort of pedestal, like I was some genius, and that came with a bit of pressure, soon it got to my head and I was eager to prove that I was super smart and super mature. Rapidly most of my friends were much older than me and I cought the attention of many teachers cause I was trying to be the perfect student all the time. One of those teachers began complementing me a lot, and we talked more and more outside of classroom, during the break, and sometimes before leaving the school.
Eventually it became a sort of Mentorship/Romantic relationship, I felt like I was so much better than the other children cause I felt on the same level as an adult. It was validating with what I was going through in my head, I was so eager to prove that I was so mature and so intelligent that I jumped into it and became very attached and somewhat dependant on my abuser. We talked about a lot of subject and I felt like I was on equal footing, I would talk to him about things I did, I talked to him about an online game I was playing and he joined me on it, since I didnt have a phone we would talk through the games when I was at home and could go on the computer. I loved a lot of creative stuff such as writing, drawing, acting as I was kind of a theater kid and I felt like he was interested in things I liked and did. And that me doing all those things was impressive for my age and would praise me even if by the end I realized he never looked at any of it. The more we shared the more he wanted to teach me about more "serious" and "adult" things, and inevitably it went to sex. I feel sometimes that I encouraged it to go this route, by asking to prove my maturity more and more. It makes me sick. It makes me feel like my flesh is rotting beneath my skin; often when I think about CSA and SA in general I feel and urge to scrap away my skin with my fingernails to get rid of the corruption spreading in my body.
Sadly it didnt end there as it escalated more and more during the 2 years that our relationship kept going. Quickly he took advantage of my interest in acting to script and film my sexual abuse. And it rapidly ingrained into my mind that what I did sexually was acting, and made dissociating easier and easier for the times when I didnt want to do it that much. I never complained too much about it, I still wanted to be the perfect student, the very tough and mature kid for his age, prove I was already an adult by my own actions.
I never talked about any of it to anyone at the time because he explained to me how secrets were part of being a grown up, and that I had to keep this secret because otherwise this all would go away. This is one of the things that hurts the most, I had the express occasion and explanation on how to make everything stop, and I never did. I really felt like I was special and unique, I felt it was what I was meant to be, and I thought he cared about me a lot.

Things took a turn for the worst when he started getting his friends involved, he would talk to them about me like I was a so interesting, and then progressively go onto more sexual topics until I had to sleep with them, often being filmed. But I didnt really like most of his friends, I held him in high regards and respected his acquitances by proxy, but I didnt care that much for them, so I was less and less willing to comply. That is when he started offering me payment for what I did when I didnt feel like it, and at the time I was addicted to oppening card packs of children cards games like yu gi oh. I know it sounds stupid but in my brain I was thinking about the fact that being payed to do stuff is a responsible adult thing and that was the most I would ever get to prove I was just that. And getting each time to buy a few card packs of easily hide-able from my mom if she had questions was the dream. So I stopped complaining about the situation. He tried to get me to lure other kids towards his circle, I was so jealous I wasnt the only kid who caught his interest I started being violent towards them, picking fights and lying to get them away from him, so I could be the only one. But eventually his friends came with other children. After a while adults were less and less involved sexually with us and we had to play out filmed scripted sex scenes, orgies etc. I see myself back then and I cant stopped thinking I had an hand in abusing those other kids, I might not have been consenting or willing to do any of it, not anymore than they were, but I was on my abuser's side emotionally, I wasnt forced or drugged, I wasnt physically restrained or threatened, I could have just not done it, a position I am not sure they were in. I feel like he made me as much of a monster than he was. I often still have dreams of those other children, and I often dream I am meeting them again, and they recognize me, and they hate me and they end up beating me up until I am dead, and somehow it feels right, every hit feels like deliverance, it feels like its what I deserve.

In the end everything ended abruptly, when I was about to get to middle school we had a fight cause I wanted a way to see him more outside of school and week ends, he said if he had to see me more often he would end up hating me. The last day of school he told me I would have to be patient, that he had a lot to deal with and a lot to think about, and that I had to trust in us, me and him, and wait.

I had no news for a bit more than a year, but I had faith that everything would come together, that somehow he would come back to me and we could finally be together and better than ever. I didnt doubt any of it until I crossed his path, he was drinking in a café, I rushed out towards him to hug him, and he pushed me away saying he didnt even know who I was. As far as I remember thats the first time I thought about killing myself, I might have been 10 or 11.

I didnt even end the abuse by myself, he did end it for me, and somehow that was the most hurtful at the time. For a while I couldnt process it, I started failing at school, my grades plummeted. There is so much going on in my head whenever I think about it all, why did I always went back, why didnt I question things, why didnt I talked about it, it all feels so stupid, I feel like such a failure, and above all I ended up harming other kids. But the thing I hate myself the most for is that I hate him almost more for lying and not caring about me in the end than all the sexual abuse, I really loved him, I really trusted him, and I did all of it for him, and it was all for nothing.

It wasnt the last time I was abused during my childhood. Not long after that I was sent to a summer camp and was routinely sexually assaulted by the slightly older kid I shared a room with for the whole week I spent there, and one adults saw it and did nothing.

Since then I transitioned, I am a non binary trans girl, although I know its not the case for most trans people, but its pretty clear to me that some aspect of my transition have been heavily inluenced by trauma, and I feel ashamed of that because it feels like I am validating talking points of reactionary transphobes. For a while I identified as asexual and aromantic, I didnt date anyone, until I was 20 and out of all of the girlfriends I had since, half raped me, and all of them treated me poorly to some extent, although to be fair I am a mess and have BPD so I can be really unstable. I tried to do sex work for a few months and was met with quite a bit of abuse as well. I oscilliate between being afraid of sex and being hypersexual, and I feel constantly ashamed of it no matter which it is.

It just feels never ending, I have been very suicidal for years, and for the past year I have thought about moving to a country that legalize euthanazia and go through the procedures.
I have tried a lot of things to get better, therapy didn't help, meds either. I thought about making pornography, thinking that maybe if there was at least some videos of me having sex online that werent fucking CP I could symbolically be at peace with it, maybe I could take control of that part of my life back.

I joined this forum to get some perspective from people who managed to live with this, I feel like my story is not as horrible as some other people that got through, I feel so much weaker than everybody, I feel helpless. I feel worthless, because I had no worth in the eyes of most of the people I held in high regards. I recently got my first job which is everything I could hope for, and I am breaking down everythime I think about this, I feel like it took my ability to work efficiently, I am always crying and breaking down.

I feel like each abuse made me a worse person, I see it more and more in my behaviors, my actions, my thoughts. I see myself getting more hateful, violent, mean, I am also afraid that I might rape someone cause I am very scared whenever I have sex, either I let people take control and either they abuse me or I am too stressed that it might happen that I freeze and dont do much, making me terrible in bed, or I take control and sonce I dont know what to do I just mimic and copy what people did to me, but the vast majority of my sexual experiences I didnt consent to, so it's just a matter of time until I hurt someone.
I am afraid I will end up repeating it, that thought might be the one that makes me want to kill myself the most...


I know I got vented a lot its the first time I talked about most of this and many thoughts are all tied and jumbled together and needed to get out my chest.

Thank you for reading
Oceantide
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Posts: 938
Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 12:20 am

Re: Feels like the abuse never ends

Post by Oceantide »

((((FloralSnake))))
I am sooo sorry for your pain, for the horrific abuse you've experienced, and for the unwarranted sense of responsibility you feel for it all. You were innocent, 100% innocent. You were a child. That horrific pedophile "teacher" groomed you and trafficked you, then "dropped" you.
You are not weak. You've survived brutality and heartbreak, and you absolutely belong here. I'm glad you're sharing and I trust that, little by little, as you continue to gain perspective from safe people (like others on this forum and a trauma therapist) you will feel some relief and grow in compassion for yourself. Gentle hugs, Oceantide
Rosahope
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Posts: 386
Joined: Sun Dec 05, 2021 5:08 pm

Re: Feels like the abuse never ends

Post by Rosahope »

FloralSnake it was abuse. Sending you lots of love!
FloralSnake
Member
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2022 5:10 pm

Re: Feels like the abuse never ends

Post by FloralSnake »

Thank you Oceantide for the kind words, I still find it hard to not feel guilty for the other children, I had options to not do the things I was asked that they surely had not, in that sense I was in a position of power and I can't shake the feeling of responsability and guilt. Also to be honest I never thought of it as trafficking because I wasn't physically forced into it, I wasn't taken from my family, I was still going to school every day and going back to my mother's house most days. Although I am not sure of the laws defining trafficking in my country.
earthhorse
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Posts: 2755
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 8:12 pm

Re: Feels like the abuse never ends

Post by earthhorse »

Floralsnake, you were groomed and manipulated. It's more powerful than a drug using attachment. You needed love, to be respected - seen.

You were definitely trafficked. Many children in the rings and networks, are trafficked there while living at home. Most of us. And it's usually a carer that trafficks children.

What that man and pedophile network did was manipulate, groom you, and abuse you. Every bit as horrifically as if you had been tortured with fire
But make no mistake what you experienced was torture. They, he tortured you.

All the worst stuff it makes a person feel complicit. It's the worst kind of injury to abuse the trust, love and needs of a child to make them meet the sexual desire of a grown up. It's the worst kind of abuse.

He knew what he was doing obviously. He completely sexualized and groomed you then sold you. Destroying your own fundamental childhood and sexual development.

That you loved him, does not make this in any way shape or form your fault. It makes you a vulnerable child, an innocent who could love, who did, who needed to be loved and respected back. Not turned into a slave. You were loyal sincere. He was a narcissist. A monster.

You were just a little child. All the anger and jealousy and enormous need it comes with the territory. It comes with how you were manipulated and how you were made utterly dependent on a narcissistic monster. He promised you everything, but gave you nothing and took everything he could from you.

There was no way you could have known that what was happening was hurtful, you needed to believe it was love. That you were loved and special. There was no way for you to process or understand what was happening to you or the other children. Children can't understand that's why sexual abuse of children is, and always will be illegal. All you could see is the illusion he spun you disintegrate. And little kids make it their fault, try to do anything to keep the attachment bond they need. He manipulated you.

I think it's perfectly legit to be trans also because you are dealing with the effects of abuse. You don't owe it to anyone to fit into their stereotype. And you don't need to wear their projections.

I also feel my sense of gender couldn't develop because of the abuse. I have often felt not like a girl at all. It feels like utter alienation, I think I am also very fragmented and parts of me feel very, very much not a girl. Some parts don't even feel human. Some parts of me is also okay as a woman. I don't know what my true gender is. I don't know if I'll get to know. I sort of settle into the space where there are no definitions. Yet I lament that in queer spaces I have found it really hard to explore the relationship between my gender identity and abuse.

It makes so much sense that you are struggling because of what happened to you.

I relate to the anger you describe. Lashing out. It's the pain floralsnake, the awful pain and horrific trauma. It doesn't make it easier to know that, I know. But it's a sign you need caring for, space, kindness.

The way you describe the other children, it's like how it was between my siblings and I, struggling for our parents love, my father was trafficking us too.. The man who abused you set himself up like a surrogate parent.

Sending you support, grace, compassion, hope.

Breaking the Silence is so important. Thank you so much for sharing.

Love,
EH
"One kind word can warm three winter months"
coconuts
Member
Posts: 5767
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Feels like the abuse never ends

Post by coconuts »

You were innocent. He groomed, used, and manipulated you. Control comes in so many ways. They were bigger and older than you and emotionally he had you. You knew that if you said no, it would be a withdrawal of that "love" that you had come to rely on so much. Like Earthhorse said, love and attachment is so much stronger than a drug to little children.

Another tool that many abusers use is making you feel complicit. If you told someone you would have to admit you allowed it to happen. In your mind as a child it was your fault you started down this path. Like you said you wanted to be grown up so you thought you allowed it. Abusers try and make you feel like if you tattle on them, you will be tatting on yourself. It's a very very controlling dynamic. It's manipulation.

Sex Trafficking is not well understood. It is the sale or trade of sexual acts or materials. Most people think of kidnapped kids in foreign countries. But honestly, most trafficking is done by someone the victim knows. Often the victims are still living regular life and going to school and all that.

I teach 7 and 8 year Olds and my youngest children are 8 and 9. Let me tell you about 8 and 9 year Olds. My 2 still believe in Santa though the 9 year old seemed a bit skeptical this year but still very much on the line. The 8 year old 100% still believed. They still don't tie their shoes quite right and need help with that or when they get knots getting them undone. They still get zippers stuck on coats and don't know what to do. They still need a chair or stool to reach the top cupboard to put the dishes away. They can pour their own milk and cereal but often make messes and their control of the milk gallon is tenuous. They still need me to take them everywhere, they have very little control of their lives, they are dependent on adults to take them places and buy them things and even to help them with some basic skills. They got Legos and toy dinosaurs and play helicopters for Christmas. And yeah these are smart kids. They score above the 90th percentile on nationally normed tests. And while they can read and do math really well, they still are leaning about human relationships. They still fight by pulling hair and crying and tatting and whining.
That is what you were. That's how old you were. Did you know 8 year olds are still considered early childhood. Yep, the same category as 4 year olds. You are judging yourself with adult eyes. But you would never look at every 8 or 9 or 10 year old and blame them. Remind yourself that over and over.
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
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