Living with passion. Living authentically.

[Shivty]

I have been saying it a lot lately. I am passionate. I am passionate when I'm angry and sad. I am passionate when I am happy and joyous. Sometimes passion is a terrible burden, we are all survivors and when we are passionately processing it can look our at least feel messy. Sometimes passion is its own euphoria. I love deeply and am loved deeply. I am passionate about that love.

But lately I've been digging deeper about this passion and I realize it's what makes me authentic. The fact that I can't not be passionate makes everything I choose to do authentic. If I do not like you my passion takes over and I cannot pretend to like you. I can be cordial and I can play nice. But in my heart I know your place in my life.

Alternatively, if I do love someone, Which I'm now vulnerable enough to love more and more, I am passionate about that. You will get my authentic self because I know the love is reciprocal and because I know that you see my passion as I sign of the authenticity of my love. You may have to remind me to use my inside voice, but you will never have to tell me not to be fake.

I turned 40 in July of this year 2022. In the 9 months leading up to that I became estranged from my family and the abuse that comes with it; I was constantly fighting off demons internally, my thoughts that were trying to suffocate or kill me; I was almost homeless; and I felt like I would never recover.

On the day of my birthday I moved into government housing. I thought what bull that I'm not going on that vacation my mom promised me last year. When she sent me 500$ after telling my friend she didn't care if I was homeless a month earlier it infuriated me that I needed that money so desperately that I couldn't send it back.

And now that I have passionately experienced my feelings it all makes sense. My family had forced me to live inauthentically all my life, at least with them. My mother was showing her love by sending me money on my birthday, but when it was about being homeless she needed to show her love by being tough, saying this is your problem because you didn't finish law school, you are the boy who cried wolf - you don't have mental health issues you're just lazy, etc. I was mad at my mom for living authentically and not letting me live authentically by doing so. And that's really when I truly cut ties. I asked her not to buy me anything else and I stopped trying to fix everything.

And that type of authenticity, the passion that came with it, was the type of passion that was a burden. It is still a burden. It will always be a burden. But knowing that. Living with that passion opened the whole world up for me.

In October I finally felt some relief from that burden and I was able to put my passion to things that let me be me, my authentic true self. The fire of rage fizzled out and although it is still part of my fire, now that fire burns passion about living a life I never had the opportunity to live before.

It allowed me to passionately interact with my friends. To be a participant of their lives as they had participated in mine. And the more passion I put into them, the more they put into me.

I could passionately love myself even when I wanted to be alone for days or weeks or was forced to be alone for days and weeks. To passionately live my life.

My authentic self was always there, but it was always stifled by the passion of others for me to be something I'm not. Now that I can be authentically be me 100% of the time, if I choose to be that vulnerable 100% of the time, I know passion for my own well being more passionately than ever. And with that passion came a freedom to advocate for myself and others, love my friends in ways I did not know I was able, set boundaries to maintain my mental health, acknowledge my needs as important and find the passion to get what I need for me.

So right now I'm sitting here. I have the flu. I have MRSA. I have a sinus infection. I have thrush. And I have an infection in my toe that is causing great pain. The passion that is a burden right now is an old familiar voice if criticism for not working. How can I be so lazy? How could I allow myself to be so sick? It is my mother's voice. As if I caused myself to get illnesses simply so someone else would pay my bills.

But when I looked around I realized that my passion for living authentically opened a door for my friends to passionately express themselves and show me the love I never had. I hear my diffuser in the background. A gift that came last week from a friend with a sweet card. I see my new headsets, a gift from a friend who saw a picture of me smiling and singing but noticed my headset was duct taped together and wanted me to enjoy music more passionately with the right tools. The passion that a friend whom i had not seen in 20 years drive her to stand in line at Walgreen fir 45 minutes because absolutely nobody else could help me that day. I heard a knock at the door and remembered that my BFF, knowing how sick I was yesterday, ordered me some garbage bags and Sponges because I cannot leave my house. How even though my phone is on DND I know when I'm ready to talk to people I can do so authentically.

My mental health is not an excuse for others to pay my way. It is a legitimate issue. It is not meant to be a weapon to be used against me by people passionately denying the reality of my life. Trying to build me into their idea of what is authentically me, a person I never asked to be nor was I ever. Rather my mental health is part of my authentic me and now that I can show that side of me my friends can be passionately authentic with their live and support. And I can be passionate about whatever I want, whether it is the passion that is a burden or the pain that is euphoric, it is authentic. I am authentic. I am me.

[Scars]

thank you, Shivty, for another inspiring post.
I'm so glad YOU are YOU.

[Oceantide]

Yes, Shivty! This is truly inspiring. I'm a passionate person as well (though some of that is trapped in my system). I love how you express your process here.

[earthhorse]

Shivty,

Thanks for this inspiring post. I loved reading this today.

All the wealth we need comes from truly following our hearts. This may be a struggle now but you have chosen health. You have chosen authenticity and well being. You will keep making good choices.

Sending you the best of all things,
EH