My mother got into my head again

[Redisfinallyfree]

Her hateful words got into my head
And knocked me completely off course
I was doing so well
Now I’m burning in hell
With no clue of how to break free
Convinced it all happened just because I’m me
Binge eating to cope
Helpless to stop
Undermining all the progress I’ve made
It’s all my fault
Says her voice in my head
For the ten millionth time in my life
Can’t ignore it
Can’t keep it quiet
Can’t not hear it
Can’t deny it
I’m helpless against the onslaught
Of course it’s all my fault
My friends all agreed
All turned their backs on me
They’re on my mother’s side
I have to fix it they said
Got away now and then
Always shoved back in it again
So alone in feeling innocent
Not my fault I try to say
But feeling like no one agrees with me
She must be right I think today
Even though yesterday I know she was wrong
I thought I’d changed the record
And was listening to a new happy song
I guess that was just a dream
And now I’m awake in the nightmarish truth
Don’t want to believe it
What else can I do
The universe is on her side
I’m alone in the poo
Someone please tell me what to do
How do I undo
I’m not free
I’m ensnared in her trap
Too small to break away
Too quiet to yell for help and be heard
I thought help had come
I thought I’d gotten free
No matter what I do
She can still get to me
Nothing ever stops her
No door can keep her out
I must have done something to deserve this
There must be no way out
Even in sleep her words torment me
I clench my jaws and awaken sore
What she’s done is never enough
She just keeps doing more and more
Freedom is just an illusion
A game she plays with me
Today I am almost convinced
That Red will never really be free
What did I do to deserve to be me
Why does she get to be free
To go on and on and on hurting me
Never answering for her abuse
Hoping for that has no use
She’s never been caught
No one ever sees her
“She’s so sweet” people think
“She’s so nice” people say
She’s yours if you want her
Feel free to take her away
I should be ashamed for not wanting her
Is what so called friends used to say
Her abuse is either hidden
Or its something folks think I deserved
Can’t hang on to freedom today
She did it all “WITH LOVE”
She said and everyone else believed her
It hurts so much more than I can say
It’s all my fault they all agree
I wish some of them could try being me
Try feeling what she made me feel
Try not falling down after feeling her “love”
Not feel anger after her hateful words, slaps, and shoves
Not feel hatred when she later insists her abuse is love.
Will it ever stop breaking me?
Will I ever really be free?
Will I ever walk and not fall down unexpectedly?
Will she ever have to pay
For all she does to me?
Will she ever have to remember how she is to me?
Will her words and deeds ever catch up to her?
Somewhere Inside I know its not my fault
But I am unable to find or hold that truth
At this present time.
I can only feel that it MUST BE MY FAULT
That her latest words hurt so bad
It has to be my fault that I feel so horribly sad
Can’t feel the strength to fight her
Gotta stop trying to win
It hasn’t happened yet
Probably not a good bet
It probably is all my fault anyway
She’s still going strong
Nothing standing in her path
Smooth sailing for her to abuse at will
Here I am struggling still
Can’t hurt me any more I had the nerve to say
I couldn’t imagine then how I’d feel today
But tomorrow is another day
When I can try to try again to really break completely away.


Feeling like a whining bag of crap but needing to post this here anyway.

Red is not feeling free. I guess ups and very low downs are part of the process. I hope so anyway.

[Scars]

((((( Redisfinallyfree )))))
it sounds like your inner-critic is in overdrive
tell her that you know she is trying to help but it's backfiring and making you feel worse.
I hope you have a good mantra to get past this. It's a terrible place to be.
scars

[Scars]

today, remind yourself of this,

I chose my screen name because I have felt like I was imprisoned by the things that were done to and said to me by my birth family as a child and throughout my adulthood whenever I was in contact with them. They twisted everything so that, no matter what, I was to blame. I could never figure out what was wrong with me or what I had done to deserve all they did and said to me.

Writing about my memories and then READING what I wrote exposed the truth of what they had done. After that I knew that none of it was my fault. I was free from the crushing guilt. Freedom from guilt made me free from any sense of obligation that I had to them. I may not be fully free from the effects of their abuse, but I am free to realize what those effects are and to heal from them. I was born with auburn hair and people always called me “Red”. So, “Red is finally free” is about how I feel now. I am free to discover and be the real ME.

remember the feelings behind these words.
<3 scars

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you (((((((( Scars )))))))). No mantras. It’s funny that you quoted my reason for choosing my screen name because I just re-read that post of mine yesterday and it did NOT help because I could NOT remember feeling that way. My screen name feels like a lie lately. I have been struggling since my momster started trying to force contact again in July. My son gets the mail most days and today I asked him to check for letters from my momster and mark them as return to sender and return them without me knowing they’ve come. It doesn’t really matter if I read them or not. Just knowing she sent them causes stress for me. Haven’t really had much feeling of peace since she started up again in July. There is no way for me to win. She won’t stop until one of us dies. I think she’s trying to outlive me. Some days are better than others. Yesterday was the worst so far. Hanging in there and trying to do the best that I can.

Thanks for listening and for reaching out. You’re the best.

Red