Cant seem to trust men

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Homesickstreef
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Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 8:53 pm

Cant seem to trust men

Post by Homesickstreef »

Hello.
Its been a while since I‘ve posted here but my boyfriend said something that bothered me and I wanted to know if anyone relates to this.

The context is we were arguing and I wanted to leave. So he grabbed my arm and wouldn‘t let go. I told him twice to leave it and he said ”I‘ll lock the door“. This really triggered me - I told him that and the argument shifted from the original topic to my trauma.

I was groomed at age 12 or 13. My abuser was male and he said some pretty awful stuff to me. Ever since, ive been wary around men. It‘s just - I can‘t seem to get comfortable around men. I always jump to conclusions and I always relate things my abuser said to what other men do. This also applies to my boyfriend.

Badically, he told me it bothers him and hurts him when I „compare“ him to my abuser because he tries so hard to make me feel safe and happy - which he does. It‘s just that when something triggers me everything plays back in my head and it clouds my judgement. There‘s good days and bad days and the severity of the trigger matters too. It‘s like my heart knows he won‘t hurt me - but my brain doesn‘t.

He was the first person who I thought really… ”gets it“ but im starting to think noone does. I feel so alone.

Thank you for reading - id love if someone could share their experience or thoughts.

- Homesickstreef
You are not alone.
greendreamdays
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Posts: 313
Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2021 3:08 am

Re: Cant seem to trust men

Post by greendreamdays »

Hi, my heart goes out to you. My ex would say and do similar things. I could never understand why I could not feel safe or comfortable around her until I looked back in retrospect and realized that—while seeming like a kind, generous person who supposedly really understood me—she had been violating my boundaries and chipping away at my autonomy for a while. Like a frog being boiled in water. My first experience with her was her love bombing me. It completely captured my attention, nobody treated me like that before and I was starving for love and belonging. We just seemed to fit together. My heart said she was a good person while my brain was screaming at me to get out.

I can tell you that if someone I dated told me that something I did was triggering, I wouldn’t make it about me. I would try to do everything I could to support them and help them feel safe and empowered to make any decisions that would help them feel better and more grounded, even if that means giving them space.
Serenity
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Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:13 pm

Re: Cant seem to trust men

Post by Serenity »

Hi Homesickstreef,

I'm glad that you are back. Trust can be a very hard thing for survivors, and it can take a lot of work to learn to trust others. I will say, though, that anyone physically or verbally stopping or blocking you from leaving if you need to, especially during an argument, is never ok. Having time and space to cool off, process and organize your thoughts is very important. Without it conversations can spiral in all sorts of directions and will only lead to more pain for everyone involved. If a conversation is not productive often the best thing to do is to step away for a while. I'm sorry that your boyfriend wouldn't give you that time and space.

With care,
Serenity
Homesickstreef
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 8:53 pm

Re: Cant seem to trust men

Post by Homesickstreef »

Serenity wrote: Thu Sep 15, 2022 11:26 am Hi Homesickstreef,

... Having time and space to cool off, process and organize your thoughts is very important. Without it conversations can spiral in all sorts of directions and will only lead to more pain for everyone involved. If a conversation is not productive often the best thing to do is to step away for a while. I'm sorry that your boyfriend wouldn't give you that time and space.

With care,
Serenity
Ah, a name I recognise.
Thank you for welcoming me back.
It sounds worse than it is. I think what happened was he really just didnt want me to leave on bad terms. He would never hurt me or do someting like that on purpose.
Its OK. He has a hard time regulating emotions sometimes. I think therapy (which we cant afford atm) could help him.

Thank you for taking time to reply
-Homesickstreef
You are not alone.
Homesickstreef
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2020 8:53 pm

Re: Cant seem to trust men

Post by Homesickstreef »

greendreamdays wrote: Thu Sep 15, 2022 3:43 am Hi, my heart goes out to you. My ex would say and do similar things. I could never understand why I could not feel safe or comfortable around her until I looked back in retrospect and realized that—while seeming like a kind, generous person who supposedly really understood me—she had been violating my boundaries and chipping away at my autonomy for a while. Like a frog being boiled in water. My first experience with her was her love bombing me. It completely captured my attention, nobody treated me like that before and I was starving for love and belonging. We just seemed to fit together. My heart said she was a good person while my brain was screaming at me to get out.

I can tell you that if someone I dated told me that something I did was triggering, I wouldn’t make it about me. I would try to do everything I could to support them and help them feel safe and empowered to make any decisions that would help them feel better and more grounded, even if that means giving them space.
Hello.
He always tries to make me feel good, but hes never been good with words. Hes otherwise a great partner.

Thank you for sharing your experience.
-Homesickstreef
You are not alone.
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