Do I belong?

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imightmakeit
Member
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2022 3:44 pm

Do I belong?

Post by imightmakeit »

When I joined here, I was very optimistic about finding a new family to relate to. I felt so good seeing others getting so much meaningful support and validation while I was cresting a peak in recovery myself, learning kindness and love. Then when I read the story of the website, I was really inspired by the struggle of the people who've put and held this site together. Before joining up in lending support though, the words of my therapist came back to me: "Before lending a hand to anyone, see that you're well-supported first." It's irresponsible, she said, to help when you're in deep pain because, in effect, I'm abandoning my responsibility to care for myself which I'd project on others. So I held my helping hand back.

While I can see there are some wonderful people here, I've struggled to get the very things I signed up for: validation and visibility. My optimism is turning into caution, suspicion, and self-consciousness because of the minimal response my posts have received. My few visits to this site where at my lowest moments hoping to see some support and positive messages, but instead I received minimal acknowledgement. To someone who's survived emotional abuse and utter emotional invisibility, the message becomes: "you're not doing enough to be seen," "you're different from them," and "others have important issues. Yours don't matter as much," no matter how hard I try to understand and rationalize it (which I haven't thankfully). Which makes me regress instead of progress and makes me far more cynical and resentful despite myself. The irony is, my experiences here have been creating more doubt rather than curing it.

I'm fortunate to have good support outside this place, but at an earlier stage of my recovery, it might've crushed me completely. It's disheartening to say the least. And not something I expected when I read the top post in open forum which raised my hopes very high. I don't want to wonder about things like "maybe I didn't format it correctly?" "maybe I made it too long?" "maybe I just didn't ask clear enough" "I must've been passive-aggressive, check again" "people are too busy to bother with your problems for now." Nor do I want to normalize neglect because it's the worst thing I can do to myself. It takes a lot to put your story out there and being ignored is the worst thing for that courage. Especially when I spent two of the most important decades of my life experiencing just that: not being "good enough" for attention. I made a lot of excuses for my family over the years.

I have appreciation for everyone devoting their time here, but I'm left wondering whether emotional abuse is not 'bad enough' abuse here and whether this is the right place for me. I'm a very kind and loving man who knows a lot about manipulation and have a lot to offer, but someone who's also exhausted of lending support and is expecting some for himself at the moment.
grandma in pain
Member
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 1:38 am

Re: Do I belong?

Post by grandma in pain »

Dear imightmakeit,

I'm so sorry that your posts, feelings and needs haven't been supported and validated. That is a very painful thing to experience. Please know that I am here right now, listening and caring about what you are saying and how you feel.

I left this site several years ago because I was feeling overwhelmed by other members' pain and I didn't know how to respond, and perhaps other members are going through that right now. I recently came back just a few days ago, and I'm hoping that I do have enough to give to others once again.

Please know that you DO matter. I'm glad you spoke out about this, and I hope you will receive the support and validation. You are important, and I see you ❤️

Safe, gentle hugs, if okay (((((imightmakeit)))))
You will forever be in my heart...
(Member since March 21, 2008; 1324 previous posts)
imightmakeit
Member
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2022 3:44 pm

Re: Do I belong?

Post by imightmakeit »

grandma in pain wrote: Fri Aug 05, 2022 12:40 am Please know that I am here right now, listening and caring about what you are saying and how you feel.
grandma in pain wrote: Fri Aug 05, 2022 12:40 am I see you
This is what I wanted to read! Thank you so much! What a wonderful response - I'm glad I'm finally SEEN because I was going crazy wondering whether what I wrote were just ramblings to everyone else. My abused mind cannot rationalize around that because it feels like a repeat of the abandonment and neglect I suffered and excused all the while growing up. By condoning it with even good reasons like 'people have their own problems', I felt like I was abandoning my inner child again - I've excused my family WAY TOO MUCH to fall to that again. Your reply stopped me from retreating into a shell of invulnerability, craziness, and cynicism.

The last few days have been so hard, because I feel like I cannot make sense of reality at all and the thought of being seen as the werido in a support group so inclusive really chilled me to the bone. I smashed my computer screen. I almost gave up because I could not handle more craziness after the herculean efforts I made at recovering some semblance of sanity.

But you've restored a LOT of hope to me, grandma in pain. I feel alive again. Thank you SO much for your kindness. Your words are just the medicine I needed right now. My gratitude is endless. Sending you a warm hug too, because you've made my day. Thank you! <3
grandma in pain
Member
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 1:38 am

Re: Do I belong?

Post by grandma in pain »

imightmakeit, I'm so glad that I was able to help you. I know how it is to feel invisible, unimportant, and that I don't matter. My father did that to me, and I don't want anyone to feel that way. Just know that you DO matter and you are VERY important. Please know that it is okay to ask for support
You will forever be in my heart...
(Member since March 21, 2008; 1324 previous posts)
greendreamdays
Member
Posts: 272
Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2021 3:08 am

Re: Do I belong?

Post by greendreamdays »

Hi imightmakeit,

I want you to know that I am here too. It can be so crushing to be vulnerable and to not get a response. I have deleted a few of my posts because it was too painful to keep waiting and to see no response.

I also feel obligated to say, as it has been pointed out to me and others here, there is a certain flow to the forum. Sometimes for reasons that have nothing to do with the content of your post it will just be quiet. People won’t post for a while, maybe it’s the work week, the time of year, or something personal has come up, or after a period of high activity on the site it can get kind of quiet, people take breaks from the site and process on their own for a while or other wise step away, and unfortunately it can sometimes happens that people post really vulnerable things right as the forum gets “quiet” which can leave them feeling like no one cares. It can be so painful!

It can also help to ask if there is a specific kind of support you need, like “looking for support,” or “has anyone experienced this?” Sometimes people will have “venting” posts that are hard to respond to because it seems like there isn’t much to say except I am sorry they experienced this. Sometimes there is nothing I feel like I can offer to add to the post. If I am not very confident in what I am commenting then I won’t. I know people can be all kinds of fragile and the last thing I want to do is say the wrong thing and make them feel worse, so I err on the side of caution.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Listening.
Scars
Member
Posts: 201
Joined: Wed Jan 19, 2022 2:59 pm

Re: Do I belong?

Post by Scars »

dear imightmakeit,

Yes YOU BELONG!
YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE
YOU MATTER
To someone who's survived emotional abuse and utter emotional invisibility, the message becomes: "you're not doing enough to be seen,"
it can be frustrating waiting for a response here, but i have gotten a lot of helpful comments and much validation and visibility here

i wish notifications would tell you whenever someone replies to your post. it only tells you when you are quoted

navigating these post is not easy for me when my brain is scrambled by dysregulation.
and it is a shame there isn't a shortcut button to send a quick response like "i hear you"
or "you are not alone in this" or "thank you"

scars
This too shall pass. it may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
Redefined
Member
Posts: 54
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2022 12:33 am

Re: Do I belong?

Post by Redefined »

[/quote]
My abused mind cannot rationalize around that because it feels like a repeat of the abandonment and neglect I suffered and excused
[/quote]
I get what you mean in saying this. Please don't give up on isurvive just yet. I'm about 3-4 weeks into my membership? here.
I'm going to be traveling the next week or so so I won't have time to always reply to your posts, but, I will read as many as I can.
Looking forward to seeing them.
Gentle hugs
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