Self-Blame

[SashaLee]

This is difficult for me because I feel invalidated a lot of the time. Unless I put myself right back to a place where I feel like it's happening all over again, I feel like what I went through wasn't that bad. The thing is I do love my family, even the ones that hurt me at times. There were both good times, and extremely painful times. I am working with my T on forgiveness, and we are talking about the traumatic things, and often times I leave the sessions feeling so guilty and horrible. One of the things my T said during our last session is "you blame yourself a lot don't you?" And I said "yes I do..." And she said "you really shouldn't." The self blame is so bad that it's hard to believe I even have a place in this world. I often feel so upset with myself that I will overeat and all the negative emotions just come to me all at once. I somehow feel like it's my fault or that I shouldn't be discussing the things that happened. It's so hard to accept. I don't know if I ever will be able to without feeling like I am the one to blame....

[Scars]

dear SashaLee,
i blamed myself for 30 years, then one day my 7 year old niece sat in my lap to be comforted and held after a spill on her bike.
the thought came into my mind that she was the age i had been when the sa started. how could a 7 year old be responsible for that kind of evil?
then it slowly sank in. i couldn't have been.
i hope you have a similar moment soon.

not sure forgiveness should even come up in the first session. i hope your t is trained in how to process trauma. if not, find a new t.
sorry to be so blunt but i wasn't able to consider forgiveness for years. a lot of healing needs to happen before that and then it is a choice you make.

scars

[Oceantide]

SashaLee, I'm listening and can relate, as many here probably can. The self-blame nearly ate me alive. From age 4 on, I literally said "I'm sorry" for anything that caused any discomfort to anyone anytime for any reason. Often I still say it, reflexively, even when I couldn't possibly be at fault.

not sure forgiveness should even come up in the first session. i hope your t is trained in how to process trauma. if not, find a new t.
sorry to be so blunt but i wasn't able to consider forgiveness for years. a lot of healing needs to happen before that and then it is a choice you make.

I have to say I agree with Scars, though. In my opinion forgiveness isn't a place to start in trauma therapy, and may never even come up. Child victims are innocent.

Once, early in therapy, I said "I'm glad my father lives 800 miles away because I'd murder him," and my therapist said, "That's totally understandable, given what he did to you. I'm concerned you'd end up in prison, however, and I'm concerned that might not be good for you." That was a healing, validating interaction for me. I should add that I also love my father. Unlike my mother (who is narcissistic and was incapable of attachment), he sometimes acted in genuinely loving ways. I had to come to terms with the fact that someone I loved could cause me such harm. And that my rage toward someone I loved was valid.

Sending you gentle vibes of self-love. The self-blame has kept you alive and helped you survive. It would have been unsafe to blame the perpetrators when you were dependent on them. I hope you can now transform it into healthy rage directed (safely, symbolically) externally at the perpetrators rather than inward towards innocent SashaLee.

[SashaLee]

Hello,

I appreciate both of your responses. I want to make a distinction though. I went into therapy wanting to forgive, but my T made it very clear to me that recovery and forgiveness is a very long process, maybe even lifelong because the memories are always going to be there, and they are painful. She has said I shouldn't blame myself because they were supposed to protect me and my anger is valid because they didn't. So, she is not forcing me to forgive them. She said I am in the right direction with wanting to forgive, but she knows its not as easy as a step-by-step process. There are many roadblocks. My T has been very understanding with me. I appreciate your concern though. I have had past T's that have tried to force me to talk about things when I wasn't ready, but she's not like that. She's actually one of the better T's that I have had and has expressed a lot of concern not just regarding my past, but my life in general with where I came from and my circumstances.

[Oceantide]

Hi SashaLee, Thanks for clarifying and sorry if I overstepped. I'm really glad to hear that your T is so understanding and supportive of your process and circumstances. Take good care, Oceantide.

[SashaLee]

Hi Oceanside,

It's ok. I understand the concern and I appreciate it.

[Scars]

dear SashaLee,

sorry, i didn't know you had initiated the discussion on forgiveness

the first t i went to see pushed forgiveness as a one step fix to my problems and i never went back to him
in his defense, he had no idea the sexual abuse I suffered was at such a young age, long-lasting (from age 7 – 11), severe or that it included the manipulation of my mind (grooming and programming).
i left feeling worse than ever because i was unable to forgive at that time

i am glad your experience was different

scars