A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

A discussion area for anyone who loves a survivor and needs some support of their own.

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the husband
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Posts: 529
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

I haven't had much of any relevance to write about until now.

As I have chronicled somewhere in this thread, a family trip went horribly off the rails some years ago as my wife decompensated after an unfortunate visit with family hundreds of miles away from our own home. She went on a somewhat manic crusade to find "happiness" on the last few days of our trip, a time when we had selected a quiet location to relax and unwind and there were few distractions. It was very upsetting to me and the kids, and heralded her spiral into severe depression for some months.

We had a long distance trip planned for this month, and I was nervous about it. We were not to visit family this time, but we were to attend a couple of events for a philanthropic organization at the homes of and among people who are quite wealthy and famous. My wife started to get anxious and controlling about our clothing and appearance - and especially that off our teenage daughter. I got my wife alone and pointed out the similarities between the last disastrous trip and the run up to this one, and asked how we could head this off. She acknowledged that she was feeling "less than" the hosts and other guests, and was feeling judged before we even got there. I pointed out that we could never be expected to measure up to these people, but that we do legitimize the work that the organization exists for. She found that helpful.

The reason I'm writing today is this: She then shared with me that she found it unreasonable that I would bring up the disaster trip of years ago, because she had already apologized and processed it with me. The thing is: she hadn't done either. When I told her years ago about how the trip went for the rest of us, she quietly listened and then said she was too overwhelmed to respond just then. That was it. Now she has accepted that my recollection of events was probably correct, saying that she had been over it her head and in therapy so many times that it felt like she had come back to me about it. Then she actually acknowledged and validated what had gone on, and truly apologized. I accepted with great relief. It didn't need the apology so much as the acknowledgement of my experience. The point of this is that memories can get skewed, and it's never too late to address old issues that continue to have impact.

The trip went very well, the events were pleasantly casual, and the rest of the trip was dedicated to our immediate family's relaxation.
Oceantide
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Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2021 12:20 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Oceantide »

I'm glad you felt validated and that the trip went well in the end. It's good to hear how you and your wife communicated with each other dynamically, circling back to clarify when a disconnect occurred. It sounds very human and very healthy. Thanks for sharing.
Aspen
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Aspen »

It's good to see you, and I'm glad you were able to work it through - remember how terribly hard that used to be?

Good on you!

Aspen
the husband
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Posts: 529
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

My wife is depressed and tearful at home recently. She was very concerned that this is a cycle and that this will happen this time of year. I'm doing what I usually do to support her and it'll be ok, but I must admit to feeling like this was avoidable: She didn't get her meds refilled for a couple of weeks and, while she's been back on now for a couple of weeks, I don't think she's achieved a therapeutic blood level. It's one thing to take a planned medication vacation to see if the meds are still needed, but another to let things slide at a notoriously difficult time. I have not shared this thought as it's not very constructive just now.

One innovation of interest: Normally we have some planned intimate time on a particular day and time. Knowing that things are a bit awry, I simply asked if she thought we would proceed as usual, or move on to the breakfast phase of our day. She said "The best and most honest answer I can give you is that I would like to hang out in bed and talk and snuggle, but I don't know how I'll feel about anything else." I was not surprised when that was exactly what happened, and it saved us some awkwardness and hurt feelings. I made a nice breakfast instead. Highly recommend - would do again.
the husband
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Posts: 529
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband »

Our relationship continues to grow. She has begun, slowly, to be able to tell me what she wants during intimacy. We're sort of generally once a week on weekends these days, barring other plans or just not feeling it. We've even branched out into some exploration of activities not previously explored.

Aside from physical intimacy, we've reached a point where it's safe to make a mistake and own up to it without waves after wave of defensiveness. I usually get there within minutes, but it doesn't take her much longer.

All this to say: it can be done.
Jonesy
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Jonesy »

Hi the husband

It's so lovely to hear from you again - you and your wife have really pulled through, thanks for continuing to share with us
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org
coconuts
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Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by coconuts »

It's good to see that you are growing together. That you are both finding a way to be safe for and with each other
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
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