I feel like my inability to trust people is ruining relationships and friendships

[GreenTomatoe]

I’m so tired of being hyper vigilant of every man I meet. I am so tired of being hyper vigilant of every person I meet. Of every compliment. Of every “nice” action. I just want to live but I constantly have to be in the presence of others everywhere I go. Their eyes watch and gaze, judging me and forming opinions of me and it’s gross. Stop forming opinions of me. I don’t want people to know me. Stop calling me sweet! I am a human being!! A grown ass woman not your plaything not your sweet little girl!! I hate the word sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghhhhh!!!!!!!!! I am NOT here for my looks and body for you!!!!!!! They are my body and looks alone and here for me alone!!!! No one else!!! I don’t need you to call me beautiful!! I already know I am!!! I will not fall for your tricks!!! Next it’ll be your stupid, you’re ugly, you’re too sensitive!! It’s always you’re sweet and beautiful first!! Fuck off!!! I’m a grown ass woman not your sweet little girl!!!! I just want to be left alone. I am so tired. Everyone hates me I swear but I have no basis for these feelings of why I feel everyone hates me. I’m just so tired of not knowing if a person is being or is gearing up to be abusive or if I’m just too broken and am seeing everyone as an abuser…it’s driving me nuts.I just wish there was a fool proof way to know. But I can never let my guard down. I feel terrified to let anyone in. I can’t trust anyone. I’m just so worried I’m too broken to have relationships. I know it’s bad but I can’t stop questioning the actions and words of everyone person I meet and it’s draining but I feel terrified to let anyone in and I know this isn’t sustainable but I’m so tired of not knowing reality.

[Oceantide]

Hey GreenTomatoe,
Just wanted to say I hear you and I get it. I get the feelings, the hypervigilance, the mistrust of compliments. But.... It may just be that you're around untrustworthy people, or an untrustworthy person. IDK. A few months ago I happened to be dating someone who said all those things to me, constantly. He adored me. I was so beautiful. etc. etc. And sure enough, when I did something he didn't like, the other shoe dropped. He's almost definitely a narcissist (they tend to "one-up" you or put you down when you set a boundary/say no to something). I had felt uncomfortable for weeks but kept questioning myself. Once the shoe dropped I understood why I'd been so unsettled by him, so mistrustful of his compliments. Turns out he was actually untrustworthy. He'd just been grooming me (aka "love bombing"). In other words, sometimes it's not you. It's them.

[Progress]

Hey GreenTomatoe,
I had a breakthrough in t yesterday. My parts did a compromise. We are going to try to trust “a little at a time”. My adult parts want to trust so badly. But my younger parts learned a super hard lesson of “it is not safe to trust”, and “it is not safe to belong”. I thanked my young parts for being so wise and smart, and for learning that hard, hard lesson, and for protecting me from danger all these years. Because for us, yes, the worst did happen when we were little and we trusted. We wanted so badly to belong and be loved by a family.

Just a little at a time. We will try to trust. Then make sure we still feel safe. My t reminded me that I am good at recognizing when my own children or my students are being mistreated. Adult Me will know when I am not safe, because I am good at recognizing it now. Just like what Oceantide was talking about. She wanted to trust, in a healthy way, but that nagging feeling in her gut stayed there, and then she recognized the signs of an abuser! Because she knows so much more now as an adult.

I am all for “a little at a time”. So you don’t put enormous pressure on yourself to dive right in, too fast, too soon.

Idk, if this is not helpful, please disregard. Everyone deserves love and companionship if that is what they want!

Progress