On the Chessboard 2021

[Chessgirl]

Thank you progress and coconuts! Yeah I applied for fall 2022. The baby is still a little young now but by then it should be fine. I’m really trying to not let the negative self talk discourage me. I’m really bad at following through with things. I have quit so many things and ruined so many opportunities. If my mom didn’t ruin it for me, I would sabotage it myself to get it over with. I’m really trying to change these negative behaviors. Still have to find a food therapist too. Someone who understands narc abuse. So far I’ve had trouble finding a good one in my city but I know I have to find someone. I got triggered at Easter at my mil house. It was over something small… a look she gave me. I blew up in the car to my husband. I wasn’t mad at him. I was mad at her but it caused an argument and in front of the kids. I have to find a way to get this anger under control. I like to think I’m making some progress there but idk. I’m aware of it at least so that’s a plus. When my toddler starts triggering me I will leave the room now and just cry or breathe, collect myself emotionally and then come back to the situation a little calmer. Same with my husband. Anyway, I know baby steps are a good start. I hope this year is full of progress and healing for me. We will see how it works out.

[Gurglesnap]

Continue to follow that dream, you deserve it. That was an atrocious thing for her to do, messing around with your school. She sounds like a real character, and not the kind you want to meet or be around.

[Oceantide]

Cheering for you as well, Chessgirl! Getting a degree in interior design sounds excellent - you have such innate passion for it, and talent. I'm really sorry about what your mother did. My narcissist mother tried doing something kind of similar to me to get me to quit/fail just before I got my current degree. Narcs try to attack any happiness or sense of satisfaction we feel. They're cruel.

[Chessgirl]

Thanks oceantide and gurglesnap

I’ve had to put the interior design plan on the back burner. Realistically I think I need to set more doable goals. I still want to pursue interior design but now is an impossible time and I don’t wanna set myself up for failure. I’m getting very little sleep and have a colicky baby and rambunctious toddler. I struggle with keeping the house clean and recently found out I’m autistic which has been kinda hard as I now I see even more layers to my trauma. I have struggled so much with noises like the screaming baby and my toddler constantly calling me. I had a melt down at her recital because I was so over stimulated and triggered. My house is an absolute disarray but I’m always so exhausted to clean and when I have time away from the kids I need to sleep. So yeah I can’t jump off to college right now. Just trying to work on myself and then I’ll plan to finish college when I’ve met some of the smaller goals first. I finally caved and put my daughter in preschool which made me feel like a failure like I can’t even be good as a stay at home mom. I sure have failed at a lot of things in my life and feel a lot of shame. I was made to feel so much shame and I am trying to break this.

So I’ve started a platform on social media and have a fairly large following now after w couple videos went viral. Some people reached out to me and I started a podcast with another scapegoat daughter. I was thrilled. But I had no time to plan ir prep or think of what I was going to say and my anxiety was out of control. I did horribly. She would ask me questions and I would dissociate and straight up not answer the question and she just stared at me . This was all recorded for the Public so I was mortified. I apologized over and over and she had to tell me to stop doing that. Luckily she recognized that these were responses to my trauma and the convo was triggering and she spent the rest of the meeting trying to teach me some tools and encouraged me to do inner child work which I knew nothing about. I mean I’ve read what people in here have said about it but I haven’t done enough research. She gave me some reading material. I just hate that i have so many social problems and anxieties and it seems my whole life right when someone shows an interest in me they stop liking me after they see all these strange issues I have. She assured me she wasn’t going anywhere and made me feel very safe. What do y’all do during important conversations when you know you neee to focus but yiu have a hard time stopping yourself from dissociating and numbing out? I’m so mortified and don’t wanna screw up anymore opportunities.

[coconuts]

Aww chessgirl that's hard. But I'm sure that you can use it as a learning experience. I run through scenarios in my head and how I can respond to them. I try and plan. I keep notes and I use some tools to stay in the moment. Gum, smells, figit stuff, that sort of stuff. But honestly it's hard, especially if we start talking trauma. I have to be in agood place going in.

I'm sorry that was such a hard experience and maybe with time things will get easier.

Having young kids is hard work and having a colicky baby is brutal. It's okay to need help, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You are human. You have a lot of talents and abilities. And I'm sure your daughter is loving preschool. There is some good to come from that too. The important thing is she knows you love her. Your best right now. Is always good enough.

[Chessgirl]

Coconuts
Thank you for sharing what helps you in these situations. I have definitely learned I need lots of prep. I tried to wing this podcast thing which I should have known would not pan out well. I will remind myself of this in the future. Thanks for making me feel better about sending my daughter to preschool and for letting me know there’s nothing wrong with getting some help. You always have encouraging and helpful words!

[Progress]

We set absolutely unreachable standards for stay at home moms!

It’s impossible! Anyone who appears to have everything under control has in reality something else that’s not “perfect” behind the scenes.

It’s impossible - no one can do *everything*.

You are perfect just the way you are! And your daughter will love preschool I bet!! I used to teach preschool, and it’s so great for the kiddos.

Also, it’s great to hear from you,

Progress

[Chessgirl]

Thanks progress! You have a way of always cheering me
Up with your uplifting and supportive messages. I used to
Be a preschool teacher too! Yeah I try to remind myself even those that look perfect have their own issues as well. Great to hear from you !

[Progress]

Hey Chessgirl,
I’m just saying hi. If you ever peek in just to see what’s up, just know I’m thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing.
I hope everything is okay.
Progress

[Chessgirl]

Thanks for checking in progress!

Truth is I’ve been feeling very blah lately. I wanted to grow this platform I started on social media where I share my abuse and raise awareness for survivors of narc abuse and my following is growing rapidly but now I’ve accomplished that goal it’s not as great as I think. I feel very vulnerable and exposed. People message me a lot thanking me for sharing my stories as they feel less alone so that’s probably good but I cringe when I watch my videos and feel exposed. At the end of the day I don’t feel that less lonely or on my own. I still have no friends and no family except for the one I created. My husband works 60 hours a week and my children are utterly exhausting and triggering. My baby has this high pitched scream that sends me into constant state of panic and I get very little sleep still. Even when my husband lets me sleep and takes over with the baby it’s never enough. My toddler is in school which helps but even when she’s home I’m still unable to give her the version of me I like because I’m just so burnt out.

I have lost all excitement and interests. I am going back to work this year to see if that helps me. Travel usually gets me excited about life again so maybe after a few months of working I can start saving up for a fun trip with my husband like overseas or to nyc or something. Usually they kind of thing thrills me but even that doesn’t sound all that great. Nothing sounds good at the moment. I’m not saying I’m suicidal but if I were to die I don’t think that sounds all that terrible. I’m just tired of doing life. I can’t trust anyone so what’s the point? I look back and see not only do I currently not have any friends or peope I can trust but I NEVER did have those things. It was all fake and the people I thought were my friends were only making fun of me or using me. My family was just hellish and I’ll be in survival mode for the rest of my life. I still feel like everything I do is rushed and I’m unable to think. Unable to read and learn. My brain has just been so damaged from all the trauma. What’s the point of trying to learn something new? My memory is so shot I can’t even remember something I just did 5 minutes ago so what’s the point of learning or taking on anything new? It all just seems so pointless …