Letting go

[Oceantide]

((((((Honeybera))))))
I know it's scary...the bc is monumental enough without the triggers of past medical trauma...I hope surgery goes well. Sending vibes of safety and rest your way.

[honeybera]

((((((Honeybera))))))
I know it's scary...the bc is monumental enough without the triggers of past medical trauma...I hope surgery goes well. Sending vibes of safety and rest your way.

That is so kind, dear Oceanside!! And thank you so much for the much appreciated hug!

But great news tonight. I went to my pre-OP appointment today. Met AN anesthesiologist today, but what a doctor he is! He put my mind at ease SO MUCH! Come to find out, it is rather commonplace to shake after a C-section! I was SO SO SO relieved! He reassured me by explaining to me exactly what happens and how one is anesthetized during a surgery and how one is monitored to hit that perfect spot between being under and in no pain and being aware. It is a monitoring sort of thing, a flexible soft camera used to intubate rather than the harsh metal instrument that harmed my father's epiglottis (a flap of cartilage in the throat that stops food from going into the lungs) during a surgery, which made it impossible for him to swallow anything not pureed. Even water had to be "thickened" so he wouldn't choke on it. Dreadful! I can still hear him choking violently and gasping with every bite of food and/or thickened water.

I had so many negative concerns for me and my safety, wrote them all down, and shared them with this fine, young, and up-to-date doctor. I have no more concerns, neither about my upcoming surgery, my surgeon's qualifications, nor the subsequent anesthesia. (The mere mention of my surgeon's name brings on a wide smile, a loving look in the eyes, and a crinkly facial expression of true love and adoration from apparently all who know her! "Oh, her?! Oh, YES! She is the BEST!" I've never seen anything like it!) What I previously mistook for an uncaring assembly line, I now realize is simply a well-oiled machine (albeit a real money maker) run by the crème de la crème of breast cancer care in our section of the State. I now trust them (and thank heavens I now can!!!) and confidently place myself and my care into their well-practiced hands.

Still there's a lingering whisper of a doubt, but it's much more quiet and not that loud shriek of impending doom that has kept me in terrified tears ever since I heard the words "breast cancer" from my GP's lips. I cheerfully said to him that day as he called to give me the news, "Oh! Tell me, dear Doctor! Say the word 'benign'! " and he said in the saddest voice I ever heard from him, "I can't." And so the nightmare began, from that moment until now, until "AN" anesthesiologist was finally above-board, transparent, and incredibly reassuring with me, putting all my fears to rest. No one in their right mind wants to go through surgery, but if I have to (and I do), this is the team I want on my side.

The incredible sense of RELIEF that I felt after all the probing and pawing and EKGs and blood work and meetings for about 3 hrs. caused me (and DS, who was voluntarily with me all the way and should be for the duration) to come home and collapse! He fixed some Chicken and Rice (it was SO good!), I ate, and then we both fell asleep, finally relaxed (and forgot to pen the dogs inside). OOPS!! I have the weekend "off" (to clean the house more and fertilize the yard again and pot up all my little plants that are growing despite my lack of attention to them and continue to clear out and clean out and "bin up" and toss out what I can before the surgery).

The dogs are in here with me now. They were outside until midnight, but as soon as I got up, I heard some sort of fireworks go off, then a sharp yap from the pups, and brought them in immediately and gave them a nice hard chew and a pet and will pen them soon. (The neighbors have to sleep, too. Can't have my babies yapping outside on a hot night, fireworks or not.) I tried to share with you tonight after eating the yummy Chicken and Rice, but the resulting Chicken and Rice Narcolepsy overtook me within the first few sentences. I just could not help myself.

But before I go, I'd like to share something with you that one of my bc survivors shared with me (and it really did help!!): she recommended that I go watch a YouTube video. Well, that's right up my alley, now isn't it. (You can find the video called "Stop Worrying! Listen to This" on YouTube.) The upshot of this whole video is to stop worrying or panicking over some unknown outcome and instead begin to say, "[But] What If It All Works Out?" It's a new way of looking at things and it really helped me. Changed my perspective. And voila! The very next day everything changed for me! Before, I was saying to myself, "But what if...?" and then going negative. Saying, "What if it all works out?" shifted my focus to a more positive view. Just sayin'.

====================(4:30am)

Fell asleep again. I may feel a bit nervous about the hospital and surgery, but the terrorized lack of sleep feeling is gone. Both dogs are still in here, but are being so good, so I'm just going to leave them in here with me and turn in for even more sleep. I must be catching up on it. Thank heavens for that little miracle! Nighty night.

Blessed Honeybera

[Progress]

Aw honeybera,

First of all “chicken and rice narcolepsy” - hahaha. Love that term. What a nice way to rest!

And so happy for you with all the positivity that’s been happening to calm your fears! I know it ain’t over, but worrying is the worst!

Sending you positive vibes and best wishes for a successful, heck, even a “boring” surgery! You know, a “nothing to see here” kind of surgery.

Keep us posted!
Progress

[honeybera]

Keep us posted!
Progress

You know I will. This is the best kind of therapy for me ATM. I know that this wouldn't suffice for most people, but I'm weird anyway and this feels so safe for me in such a chaotic world that I find myself in. I feel like you all are my friends, and that is such a comfort to me. Thank you to all of you! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. ♥♥♥

It feels so good to belong somewhere. I have a feeling that you all know what that means to me and how that feels, too. It feels very good.

First of all “chicken and rice narcolepsy” - hahaha. Love that term. What a nice way to rest!

Thanks. I cannot eat anymore without the overwhelming fall-sleep-in-my-chair sensation knocking me out. I see it as some sort of narcolepsy (it's not really), and I don't even see it coming! Just ZONK! And I wake up to find my program on TV has finished and I'm "watching" something else. But that big "chicken and rice" shot of carbs to my system suddenly is a guarantee of it happening!! I believe I dubbed it right. But possibly it's aging, too, that has something to do with it. I'm as old as Trump (literally - he's only 6 months my senior) and I'm trying to catch up to Biden! Where's my hot cocoa?? It's already 4:00pm!

And so happy for you with all the positivity that’s been happening to calm your fears! I know it ain’t over, but worrying is the worst!

Oh Progress! It definitely is!! I so needed to hear what that BRILLIANT DOCTOR told me!!!! "It's normal to shake sometimes after a C-section." I wanted to kiss him for saying that!! There were so many contradictions being made to me on so many different levels!!

===================(Tuesday - the day before my surgery OMG!)

I've been up since 3am. Fell out at 6pm yesterday watching TV...AGAIN. I am terrified about tomorrow. So to offset that useless FEAR, I've been watching YouTube videos and visiting websites regarding how to cope with this awful fear. At the hospital, they want to give me a COVID-19 test just to make SURE I don't have the dreaded COVID. They're also forcing DS to do the same, only he gets to do the home test. They also seem to be extremely concerned with contamination in the surgical arena and any resulting infections from that. I'm a pretty good healer, though.

If I ask them about this or that, they have another pat answer: "Well, some people do experience ______, and some don't." Oh, well, THAT was helpful! NOT!! So I have all my answers: "We can tell you AFTER the surgery" and "Some do and some don't." I'm fighting to hold on to my sanity! AARRGGHH! They ask me if I have ANY questions, but if I ask (please see above pat answers). So I sit and shut up...and then come the triggers and I sit here, all alone, eaten alive by all these doubts and fears. They say to "reach out", but I'm getting mixed messages there, too.

===================(4pm)

They cancelled my surgery! I don't know how long I can take this stress. At the last minute today they decided to give me an echocardiogram prior to the surgery scheduled for tomorrow. I have NO HISTORY of heart problems. Since I couldn't come in at the last minute to get this test, they just cancelled my surgery...for invasive bc! Then radiology passed me off to some guy who made an appointment for me for (get this!) JULY 12TH!! So I called back to the hospital, was given the old patient-as-pinball treatment, bounced from phone person to phone person and put on hold repeatedly, and finally got an appointment for this coming Thursday. I'll keep you posted.

But right now I'm going to collapse! SO DARNED TIRED!! I have until at least next week before I'll even have a chance to get my surgery. They're wearing me down with all these delays! And on top of all this, I've got a UTI (mild), saw the fill-in doctor today (my regular doctor is on vacation ), and they FORGOT to call in the prescription! I'll get it tomorrow, I suppose. But off to bed now. I'm just all pooped out.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

OK, it's OVER! YAY!!!! And it was as easy as pie, shockingly enough! All that worry for nothing! Even my surgeon said, "You realize that once it's done, you will no longer have cancer." WONDERFUL!! She took out all the cancer "with a clean margin" (no cancer found in the surrounding tissues removed) and only TWO lymph nodes, and from what I heard they were clean, too. For some reason, I can't get on the "my hospital" website tonight to see what they've said about it, if anything. But I don't care. IT'S OVER! In a week or so, I'll find out what "treatment" they're going to subject me to, but that is in a week. Today I can be content knowing that it's outta there! And I'm not even in any pain, NONE, so I'm feeling both blessed to the high heavens and rather silly for fussing so over these last several weeks in the heart-wrenching and heartbreaking anticipation of a quite serious unknown.

The way this works is that first the surgery is done to rid a person of the offending cancer and to size up how big of a threat it was (all eyes are on the surgeon at that time), and all the rest of the next 5yrs. is geared towards avoiding 'recurrence' of the cancer: some combo of radiation, hormone reduction therapy (estrogen-lowering pills), and/or chemotherapy are then recommended by the oncology doctor. Mine was caught very, VERY early (I think, but will know positively on July 5th at a meeting with my surgeon for a follow up). I'm being bounced from doctor (General Practitioner) to doctor (Radiologist) to doctor (Surgeon) to doctor (Oncologist - a cancer doctor that I haven't even been given the name of yet!!) and then to another doctor (a Cardiologist to be seen in mid-July) and finally (probably in Sept or Oct) yet one more doctor (for my hand). I am SO SICK of doctors!!

But to give me this painless cancer eliminating surgery is just amazing so far. I have literally ZERO PAIN at the moment! I am truly one of the lucky ones!! They even gave me some medium strength opiodes for pain and getting sleep, but I doubt that I'll ever have to take even one. I don't like to mess with the likes of them unless absolutely necessary! I sleep on my left side and it's my left breast that is involved here, so I feared that I might have pain, but such is certainly NOT the case, not tonight anyhow. And it's the weekend, the time when all doctors, nurses, and pharmacies disappear into an Otherworld state and are completely unavailable, so I'm grateful for the painkillers just in case I need them.

Anyway, I'm rather tired tonight. It was quite a day for me. Up since 4:30am, report to the hospital at 5:45am for a shot of a radioactive dye (didn't hurt or burn) and then 20 minutes of some sort of x-rays or CT scans with some sort of huge machine, then run by wheelchair over to pre-surgery, then surgery, and then home by noontime! (DS was allowed in with me for most of the time - what a wonderful son!!) Been up ever since. I wanted to see the news re: the ending of Roe and the Supreme Court decision. Perfect time for it while I heal up. The temp. for the next 4 days is a minimum of 102ºF in the afternoons, so tomorrow I intend to water the yard (if still not in much pain) in the morning...naturally. Heck, it's midnight right now and it's still 76ºF!! So night night to you! And to me. Wish me luck!

Honeybera, the SUPER LUCKY ONE!!

[dancingfish]

Hey honeybera, so glad to hear you're home and with no pain! Really pleased to hear that it went so well. You've handled all of this amazingly too, from finding ways to deal with your own fears to the quirks of healthcare systems and cancellations, etc.

Take good care and keep keeping us posted, if you can!

[Progress]

yayyyyyyyyy honeybera!!!!!

I’ve been away a little bit from the site just because I was crazy busy, and a couple other stressful things.

Anyway, I can’t believe the surgery is done!! Yippeeeee! And it went so well!!! And you don’t have much pain!! Hooray! So happy for you. You’ll be back to watering the plants probably before I even hit Send! What a high stress nightmare the before-hand part is! You navigated it like a champ.

I swear, there’s so many things where the worrying is the worst part. But then again, it’s not like we’re assured of a perfect outcome. So the worry is legit! I had a court date with the exH. Ugh. Oh boy, my heart raced the whole night before and I only got 3.5 hrs of sleep. But once I got there, I mean it ain’t no picnic, but it was fiiiiiiiine.

Your son was such an excellent stand-up guy, the way he was totally there for you. That makes me smile.

I hope you both have a great day and stay cool in the heat! And GOODBYE CANCER!!!

Progress

[honeybera]

Hey honeybera, so glad to hear you're home and with no pain! Really pleased to hear that it went so well. You've handled all of this amazingly too, from finding ways to deal with your own fears to the quirks of healthcare systems and cancellations, etc.

Take good care and keep keeping us posted, if you can!

Thank you, ♥♥dear dancingfish♥♥ and to all who have been with me through all of this trying time. The fear and worrying were the worst things by far! I'll say one thing for all this trauma that I've been through: it has sure been a cure for my feelings of depression. I stared my own death (or the potential thereof) in the face and decided most definitely that I DID want to be here for many more years, and now I have been given that reprieve and am SO SO SO grateful for that!!

Last night's sleeping comfort, one of my biggest fears, was as if I'd not had any surgery at all!! I fell asleep in my chair, commonplace for me, from midnight until 2am, got up and took some ibuprofen, crawled UP into my bed (it's very tall and cushy), got on my left side right on top of that new surgery...and felt NOTHING = NO PAIN AT ALL! I dropped right off to sleep and woke up at 8:30am, fully refreshed and STILL in NO PAIN! (YIPPEE!) I've read MANY stories of MUCH, MUCH worse outcomes! It had me scared to death, but for ME? This was NOT my outcome!!!!!!!!BLESSEDLY!

So I've developed an attitude of gratitude, that's for sure! Even ruminating endless thoughts about MD and her (very real) cruelty to me all my life just sort of faded away somewhat and transformed into an attitude of gratitude rather than the simmering anger at her that I often felt. I am an independent cuss, I really am. I always have been and proud of it. And who do I have to thank for that? Why, good ol' MD, of course! She truly abandoned me, yet I didn't quit or shrivel up and blow away or even serve to make her (truly and deeply) feel "better than" in any way. I became strong because of her orneriness. And today it really dawned on me just how weak and totally dependent on others she was! She started on my father, and once he was gone, she leaned on my DB...HARD! He once told her pointedly, "Mom, you're ruining my marriage!" with her nagging him for more and more attention constantly. What a tug-of-war was going on between MD and SIL over DB! Poor guy. Two Queen Bees fighting and only one him to fight over!

I'm also beginning to understand, and even sympathize, how the Golden Child (DB) suffers/suffered. Did he get the entire $700,000.00 estate from MD? Yes, you bet he did! But did he earn it, what with MD's insufferable nagging and worrying about him, demanding that he fill my father's role when my father passed away? You're darned right he did - he earned EVERY PENNY OF IT!! Now that MD and SIL are both dead and gone (what a plot twist that was for me!), DB and I are becoming much closer, like we were when we were kids. The pressure from those two women for him to abandon his sister and only sibling was intense! Same thing with my father and MD. I got to be the odd man out...but as difficult as that is to take, rejected by my own family and held at arm's length by those two harpies (may they rest in peace), no Xmas and no Thanksgiving invitations, no nothing, it made me SO much stronger and much, MUCH more able to handle something like breast cancer, scary as that might be. And therein lies the blessing! MD inadvertently made me incredibly STRONG.

I know I was absolutely terrified before the surgery, but that is a natural and nearly expected reaction to such news. But now I am fine. A bit of a scratchy throat due to the intubation during anesthesia, but it was the pain I was worried about, and I've had worse bruises! I was just getting over the considerable bruising from the Core Biopsy way back in early May, but ♥♥♥this surgeon♥♥♥, with all the surgery that she did, didn't leave a bruise on me anywhere! Totally amazing!!!

So all in all, a very positive experience...so far. I'm not out of the woods yet. I still have to meet my Oncologist (the actual cancer doctor) to prescribe to me what (s)he would like to have me do to avoid any recurrence of the bc. I'm cancer free right now, but it's all about the avoidance of a RECURRENCE from here on out.

Radiation? About 15-31 office visits M-F on a daily basis. Possibly, because I am 75 yrs. old and WAY past menopause, which is important in deciding all this. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Hormonal therapy? Again, possibly, and if so, probably AI (aromatase inhibitor) - plus I plan to combine my keto/low carb/bc recommended diet, which are all very similar, so why not? I am ER+/PR+ 100%. So I need to lower my estrogen levels (the "E" in ER, or estrogen receptors), hence the "hormonal therapy". For 5-10 yrs. But we'll see.

===================(Sunday 11:45pm)

Time for bed. Took off my pink surgical bra today (it just had to be pink, right? ) and took a good look at the incision this afternoon for the first time. Barely even bruised! Lymph incision was about 2" long, the breast incision was even less than that and down underneath so any scar won't show. I also read the surgeon's notes today and I actually cried with relief: my tumor was "grossly negative".

May 26, 2022 Negative margins (also called clean, not involved or clear margins) The margins do not contain cancer cells. (There's only normal tissue at the edges of the tissue removed from the breast.) In most cases, no more surgery is needed.
- Susan G. Komen website
www dot komen dot org

HALLELUJAH!!!!! It was caught super early, before it really got to spreading...THANK GOD! And then, just to be sure, she took 2 of my milk ducts on either side of the tumor. GOOD. Haven't been using them for some time anyhow.

Just thought I'd let you have the good news! But I'm falling asleep sitting up and need to just hit the sheets instead.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Wed. morning...

You’ll be back to watering the plants probably before I even hit Send! What a high stress nightmare the before-hand part is! You navigated it like a champ.

♥♥♥Thanks so much, dear Progress.♥♥♥ You were right. I did up the rest of the dishes the minute I walked into the house last Friday a few hours after the actual surgery and watered the yard the morning after. I was moving REALLY, REALLY slowly, though: no jumping jacks for me! But then, I couldn't do them before the surgery!

I've had a couple of exHs, so I know how stressful those court dates can be, especially regarding divorce. I'm so very glad that it went well for you. The pre-incident dread and completely predictable lack of sleep the night before are not only to be expected, but also magnify the sense of blissful relief when things don't go as chaotically as was expected. I was amazed at how little there was to be afraid of, but in my mind and my thoughts, I had IMAGINED the absolute WORST outcome! REPEATEDLY!

DS was a real brick throughout. Went to every Dr.'s appt (patiently!), accompanied me to the hospital and even into pre-surgery, and was waiting for me just after recovery and went to fetch the car and bring me home once they were finished with me. It really showed me how much I'm cared for. Very touching. This sort of looks like us.

The heat wave is over now, well, at least by OUR standards. We had 102ºF for 5 days, but now is cooling down to a nice 93ºF for a high. Into the 80s next week , but hey, it's nearly JULY, and that equals 100ºF or above (WAY WAY ABOVE!!!) until mid-Sept! I'd like to do some yard work...with DS helping with the heavy stuff. He's working though (Security Guard over July 4th weekend? Oh heck yes! He's working!), but maybe next week. My WOW view is important to me. And to look out there and see things sprouting and growing and tidy always gives me a lift in spirits.

==================(Wed. afternoon)

I just watched an episode of Twilight Zone. I used to watch them on TV when I was a kid/teenager. Back in the day , if I didn't see it when it played, too bad. There were no reruns and no DVRs, either! One and DONE! So I wanted to see just what I liked about that show so much and several others (like the original Star Trek with William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy), so I DVR them and watch them whenever it's convenient. My father was a TV repairman and had his own business where he sold TVs as well, just after WWII. We also had the first TV in our city, a tiny round 7" Philco that looked similar to this one: www dot worthpoint dot com/worthopedia/1940s-philco-tv-48-702-screen-1926110951 It was so fascinating to everyone that the neighbors would come and peek in the windows of our little cottage built in the back of my grandparent's property to watch the Indian Test Pattern on the screen.

Philco manufactured its first commercial television in 1947. In 1949, Philco introduced its super-sensitive television circuit, High Gain Tuner, and built-in aerial system. In 1950, Philco's balance beam system ended picture blur and smear and produced one of the clearest pictures of the times.

He made excellent money for the time, sometimes bringing home $100 in cash on his service calls. I guess he was an independent cuss as well. Could not stand to work for a "boss". So he was his own boss. Left MD very well off with an estate valued at $700,000, her dream home (paid for!), a Cadillac in the garage (also paid for), and his veteran's benefits of $4000/mo. + Soc. Sec., and a nice chunk of change in the bank. She never wanted for anything...ever!

Anyway, this Twilight Zone (1961) was about an old man listening to a radio that only played shows and songs from the 1930s and how he longed for the past to do things differently and the ability to make decisions that could change the course of his life. That got me to thinking: how would I change my life if I could go back and tweak it gently here or there. Oftentimes, the tiniest change or choice that we make, the happenstance meeting of this person or that or "what have you", can radically change how things turn out. And I decided that no matter how painful it was when it was happening, I would not change a single thing to avoid that pain because I am so happy with the eventual outcome of my life. I am content, and there is something to be said for that. Wow. One thing really does lead to another...absolutely. I love my DS, I love my home, and I'm not dying of cancer. Not bad I'd say.

Content: That state of mind which results from satisfaction with present conditions; that degree of satisfaction which holds the mind in peace, excluding complaint, impatience, or further desire; contentment. - The Century Dictionary

As it happens ( ) while surfing the web, I got into what life was like in the 1950s. I was a pre-schooler/school aged kid during the 50s. It's VERY different to see what happened from an adult's (or even more from a senior's) viewpoint! SO MUCH happened in that decade! Gas at 25¢/gallon, men's wages at 75¢/hr., homes around $10,000, brand new cars at around $1000, and a TV in every home. In 1960, we got an RCA Victor COLOR TV! Bonanza came on at 9pm but first came the NBC Peacock! MD was definitely a stay-at-home "mom" , but in reflection, she should have been a career woman, a better educated woman. She was smart, but both her and my father were dropouts, MD, 16 yrs. old in her senior year, and my father in 8th grade. However, my father was the breadwinner, and a pretty darned good one at that, and he would have none of that "working woman" nonsense! So instead MD kept a SPOTLESSLY clean house (uncomfortably so) and she wasn't a half-bad cook. Very 1950s style cooking. We occasionally ate out. I remember the McDonald's 15¢ burgers when they first came into our neighborhood. We bought BIG bags of them with fries to boot! I was an only child until DB's birth when I was 10...so I was "it" until he arrived. Even as an only child (read: anchor child) I was despised. But the 1950s were more explosive in technology than I even realized. I was flotsam and jetsam, just floating along, but listening intently as little pitchers do and "recording" everything in my Eidetic memory, both good and bad, as things developed rapidly around me.

======================(Thursday afternoon)

But the question was: would I change anything that brought me to this place I find myself in today? No. Not one thing. Not even MD accidentally and inadvertently toughening me up for the world I was about to step into while hurting me and bending me in such a cruel and unfeeling way.

=====================(Friday afternoon)

There aren't enough hours in the day for me to just goof off anymore. But that's alright. I'm in charge of my schedule. Right now I'm hungry and in charge of making something to eat before I go outside to putter around out in the yard and get a few (light) things done. I'm feeling great right now. Just like I did before surgery.

I see my surgeon on next Tuesday 7/5 for a follow up. This has been amazing so far. GET THOSE MAMMOGRAMS! Getting mine and speaking up literally saved my life. This has been so easy because we caught it so early.

====================(Sat. 1am)

Now it's nighttime again. Busy all day with one thing or another and so many interruptions. Lots of TV, too, and iPhone and online games. And our neighbors are shooting off HUGE illegal fireworks that rattle my windows and light up my room THROUGH the blackout curtains and are driving my dogs nuts!!! I will be bringing the pups into my room for the evening for the next several nights. I'm healing up as well, but getting some projects done, too. Plenty of rest for me...like right now. I'm off to bed. Again, thanks so much for all of your kind support as I go through this cancer thing.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Tuesday - 7-5-22
I just got back from my checkup/followup from the surgeon. She did surprise me with several items. One was that I had a 2cm tumor, relatively tiny, and that she'd taken 3 lymph nodes instead of two, and that one had a few microscopic cancer cells in it, but the other two were clear, and that the one sample was so tiny that, even though positive, was considered negative. WHEW!! So we got it just in time! It was beginning to spread. That's where the cancer goes, from the tumor inside the breast (DCIS, or Ductal Carcinoma in situ), to breaking out of the duct (invasive) and traveling to the sentinel lymph nodes (like little soldiers guarding the way to the entire lymph system) and then it spreads to the entire body (brain, liver, lungs, kidneys, and so on = NOT GOOD!) via the lymphatic system. Wherever that new tumor ends up is considered "breast cancer", too, since that is where it originally started. But that was THANKFULLY NOT my state! Mine was just starting and they caught it early!! She also said that I am/was a Stage I, a VERY VERY VERY good thing!!!

She also said that during my general anesthetic and surgery, my skin had "turned gray" while on the operating table! So I looked it up on the internet (natch!), and what that means is that I was very low on oxygen. I already knew that I have a small mouth and throat and warned them about that while intubating me, but the anesthesiologist that was slipped in at the last minute apparently didn't care about that much.

But I made it anyway. I have a small blister by the actual tumor location (which is gone now), and the skin itself peeled off, so...this incredible surgeon made me a makeshift bandage and put some Neosporin on it! Simple is the best. She said to just keep it clean, let it heal, and she'll see me in two weeks.

==================(Friday evening)

Having a MAJOR gout flare. Can't even walk (without horrible pain!!!) to the kitchen. Two full weeks past bc surgery, and that's trying to heal up, too. I'm just binge watching Netflix (Stranger Things) and taking my pain medications. I'm finally back to taking my gout pills; they restricted me from taking them for the last several months (since April, for Pete's sake!) and now I'm having a SUPER painful gout flare!!!!!!!!!!! The "office girls" didn't understand what Tart Cherry pills and Celery Seed Extract pills were or what they were for, so they just said, "Don't take them." for several weeks before my surgery, and then they postponed my surgery! Luckily I didn't flare before my surgery!! I haven't had a gout flare like this in several years by taking a small dose of the TC and CS pills on a daily basis, but now I'm in absolute agony again! Thanks, office girls!! SO DUMB! I'm even turning to the ULTRA STRENGTH LIQUID Tart Cherry juice that I only use during really bad flares like this one! It does help.

To top it all off, DS's boss is working him CONSTANTLY. We have tried to explain to him several times that I need DS, too. He is only supposed to be a PART TIME worker. My surgery was on the 24th, but they called him in to work a 12 hr. graveyard shift on the 25th, leaving me completely alone and helpless and just out of surgery, even though we explained it thoroughly and repeatedly to the boss! But after then working him straight through the entire week before July 4th and also the complete weekend while I was trying to recuperate, they gave him Wednesday ONLY off (7/6), and called him back into work from Thursday until at least this coming Monday, possibly Thurs., and all are 12 hour shifts! This is PART TIME?? And here I am, barely able to hobble to the bathroom with my gout and sometimes with sharp pains in my breast! DS barely has time to report to work, do his 12 hrs. (no lunch or breaks either!), eat, and sleep! Poor kid!
=============================(Monday evening)

So let's see: So far I've been dealing with breast cancer surgery recovery (and now pain with that, but it is healing slowly, too), HORRIBLE agonizing gout pain (walking to the bathroom is indescribably painful, but to the kitchen for something to eat or to fetch water from the hobby room is out of the question for me, or I go anyway and just cry with the pain), heart problems (shortness of breath again, lightheadedness, hearing my heart pounding in my ears, wheezing like crazy = heart failure) due to the newly discovered and named aortic and mitral valve stenosis and the PH (pulmonary hypertension or "high blood pressure in my lungs")...oh joy. And the icing on the cake? ANTS are crawling all over in the dirty dishes that are piling up in the sink because DS is STILL being given MINIMUM 12 hr. shifts and can't fill in with both his chores and mine while I am off my painful feet. He's lucky to find time to sleep and feed himself!! He does still do all he can for me, but he's either not here or he's sleeping or getting ready to go back to work.

I did solve one problem today. I could not walk out into my backyard at all, not even to water, and it was 103ºF here today! We have goat heads out there (aka Puncture Vine or Devil's Thorn because they can actually puncture and flatten a bicycle tire)! So I cannot walk out there barefoot - no, no, NO! It was SO difficult to watch my precious plants drooping in this intense heat right in front of me. SO SAD! Made me feel so powerless, but I also cannot wear my normal gardening clogs either because my feet are so tender and swollen and I can't even jam them into my nice, spacious garden clogs anymore. So I bought a cheap pair of wide width slide ons online, but they were also too tight and HURT my feet when I put any kind of pressure on them. Even simply standing hurt like crazy! Here's my dilemma: I have an "urgent" appointment to re-x-ray my feet tomorrow over at radiology. I can stand barefooted for some time to get the x-rays, but how do I walk to the car here, and once there, how do I walk into the building? (It's quite a walk from the parking lot!) In despair, I felt the urge to look around in my closet to see if by some miracle I could find some shoes that I could squeeze into to walk from my front door to the car. It would be a really sticker-and-dirty mess to just wear some of DS's socks out to the car here, but that's what I was facing. Once there at Radiology, DS could get a wheelchair for me and he could wheel me into x-ray in my filthy socks. UGH!

WELL, I FOUND SOME SUITABLE SHOES TO WEAR! Leather strap sandals that not only fit (once I had adjusted the straps to generously and gently adapt to my sore feet), but were even somewhat "COMFORTABLE"! I was actually able to S-L-O-W-L-Y water the entire yard. It still hurt to do so, but now I can at least go outside, both to water and save my plants, and even go to the doctor's offices and to radiology to address this gout issue!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!

=============(7/16/22 Saturday early early!)

[I wrote nothing! Amazing!]

==============(Sat. evening)

They didn't tell me about the pain I'd feel after the surgery. It's still there and getting worse by the day! Now I'm finding out that it could last a year OR MORE! I really hope not! And it wouldn't be so bad if I also didn't have a gout flare, one of the worst and longest lasting that I've ever had, in combo with this breast pain/sensitivity. I'm also completely out of breath/short of breath from the heart failure/pulmonary hypertension (they've now found I have) if I even attempt to walk down the hall for some ice water or to the kitchen for some food. I cringe if I hear the RING doorbell and DS is either not home or is sleeping (it's usually one or the other for him) because I KNOW that I am the one to walk the entire length of my 2100 sq. ft. one-story house to fetch the package off the porch before some meth-head tries to get it first! And the cherry on top of the cake is that we're in a drought, it's hot outside, and because of this the ants are invading! Happens every year. But this year it's especially special! We're doing our best, but in my bathroom they were coming through the MIRROR...or actually from behind the mirror, but SHEESH!

I was able to slip on those heavenly slip on sandal shoes (which worked out GREAT at Radiology while using a wheelchair also - see above) and I went outside and watered the entire wilting yard. Some things have gone beyond wilting and are no more. It's currently 8:50pm and nearly dark as I write this and it's still 97ºF! I really need to get out there with DS, but WHEN? He's "only" working from 8pm-6am tonight and tomorrow and who knows past then? That's TWO 10 hour shifts in two days...TO START! But at least I can don my sandals and get out there and do SOME things, mainly in the early morning to beat the heat, which will be 102º for the next FOUR DAYS. Exasperating! Hard to do when I'm gasping for breath by just walking. But I firmly believe that "this too shall pass" and I trust that I'll have many good years ahead of me. The cancer is GONE, but now I have to just recover.

The dogs are doing great during all this, both with DS's work schedule and the heat outside. We have learned how to get along nicely overnight! When DS can't let them out and/or in, I do it by opening up my WOW (slider) and in or out they come. The law states that it needs to be quiet between 10pm-7am. Totally understandable. I let them outside to potty before I go to bed, bring them right back in (and they don't bark at all), and they wake me up at precisely 7am to go outside again. THEY ARE COMPLETELY HOUSEBROKEN! YAY!!!! Boots sleeps in my computer chair (with my blessing) and Mittens takes the recliner. I give them one or two treats during the evening as I watch TV. They play fight with one another or with their toys. All is pleasant until I turn off the light and they take their overnight positions in their respective chairs on either side of my bed as my little furry sentinels and so we sleep. Ideal!

Despite it all, I'm desperately trying to heal up and get past all of this. I'm about to trudge out to the kitchen and get something to eat that reduces estrogen and is low in carbs. DS eats out when he's working. For me, a nice chicken stir fry sounds great and it's easy! A sliced Fuji apple and some smoked Gouda cheese cubes for dessert. (My mouth is watering! ) For the gout: a nice glass of iced Tart Cherry juice and some celery stuffed with pimento cheese. OMG!! I'm outta here!

Honeybera