Losing my mind

[Chessgirl]

I feel like I’m losing it this time. I had a stomach virus for a couple days and then once that went away I got this migraine and nausea that is just unbearable but I have to watch an infant and toddler all day and I’m losing it. I have also been fighting with my husband over his toxic mother. I saw her Easter and she has this way of being manipulative and abusive without anyone else recognizing it but me . I am literally thinking about checking myself into the mental health resource center. I even looked up which states allow medically assisted suicide. I truly feel at the end of my rope here. I just can’t manage the kids anymore on top of my anxiety and depression and physical problems. My husband took yesterday off work and said he couldn’t take today off. I told him his mom needed to have some distance from us for awhile so we won’t be getting help from her. I realized I have no other support or help and I’m
Honestly really scared. I even wonder what was I thinking starting a family and having kids when I can’t take care of my own health. Where do I go from here? Firstly how do I get rid of this migraine ? I just don’t know anymore. A couple of weeks ago I thought I was doing pretty well, and now this.

[greendreamdays]

Hi Chessgirl, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It might be a good idea to check yourself in somewhere until this difficult period passes. Maybe while you are there some social workers can help you connect you with more resources in the community maybe for childcare, healthcare, living situation, or anything else you are needing. I know you are extremely strong and you have been through so much, I feel like words really fail to communicate what I'm trying to say. Please do everything you can to take care of yourself

[Chessgirl]

I agree thank you greendreamdays. My husband took another day off and let me sleep all day but when I woke up I still had a migraine. Then I had to get my daughter ready for her ballet photos and we lost her ballet shoes so I had a full on panic attack, unable to breathe. People say postpartum depression comes on right after the baby is born but I feel like for me it sets in right around this time and it’s a mix of anxiety and depression. My husband says I need to get in to see a therapist but I can’t get in fast enough to see one it seems like. The weird thing is I was meditating daily and doing literally awesome just a week or so ago and then everything shifted terribly in a short period of time. I feel like it all went down hill after Easter but I don’t really know.

[heavenlydove]

Hi Chessgirl,

Sorry I do not know you but sad to hear you are struggling so much at present. It seems like things are getting on top of you - sometimes when one has anxieties, depression and illness, things can get too much especially with toxic mother in laws on top of that. It seems like you are in need of some time out - you may even be experiencing some degree of overwhelm or burnout. Sounds like you have little support from what you have stated apart from hubby and mother-in-law. Is there any chance of you having a proper break, aside from asking mother in law to take over and help? Can any other family or friends take over even for a few days? If you have burnout, it may take more than a break/ holiday to fix but you may not know until you have had that break and time out. Maybe you are just between 4 walls and need to go and meet new people, so you have someone to talk with outside the family. Are you on any medications for anxiety/depression? If not, maybe you could ask your physician to prescribe you something to help you cope better. But taking time out is really important. I would know all about that as I have very serious burnout right now. You may just be exhausted/overwhelmed, or you may be in a more serious state. But the fact you are talking about needing to get checked out into a mental health resource center means that things are quite bad right now and you cannot ignore this situation. What Greengreendays is suggesting sounds pretty good to me - getting help from a social worker to try to figure out ways that things can be put in place to make life easier. Good luck with finding the right help for you out there.

[heavenlydove]

Sorry Chessgirl,
I did not notice your new post - where you mention about your postnatal depression. I think the advice about seeing a social worker is a good one and normally recommended in such circumstances as yours. What you have is not an easy thing to deal so I really hope you and hubby seek out the help you need because there is help out there for you no doubt. Good luck with that sweetie.

[Progress]

Aw no! Chessgirl!!!!!

Things went South fast, didn’t they! I’m so sorry it sucks so bad for you right now. Your m-I-l triggered you so bad, I think. Migraines are the worst. Sleep deprivation is the worst. Toxic m-I-l’s are the worst. Caring for babies/preschoolers is the worst when you are I’ll and someone should actually be taking care of you. Post partum depression is the worst. You’ve been socked with a heavy load right now, and I hate seeing you suffer.

Something has to change in order to shift back to the happier place you were in before. Maybe a couple things need to change. Your husband has to stop defending his mom. He just needs to support you. And you need outside help. If your help is your husband and m-I-l, there’s just always something there that becomes toxic when they have that dynamic of her mistreating you, him not seeing it, then him fighting with you and defending her.

You gotta get some kind of help that’s 100% supportive and loyal to YOU. You need medical help for the migraines, physical help with caring for the kids and house, medical/psychological help with the post partum depression, and emotional support just because you deserve it! And you’re in a tough spot in that you have to find it yourself even though you are in a super rough condition right now. Emotional support - check that one- you can get that on the forum! But the rest- it will take your superpowers.

You need to make yourself the priority. The kids need to be fed and watered and burped. A few snuggles. Sleep. MODERATELY clean.

Forget ballet. Forget baths. Forget nice clothes. Heck, pajama days exist for a reason! And you have the most serious reason for your kids to have pajama days. Let that stuff go and take care of YOU. You need it, you deserve it, and in the help, you are doing the best thing not just for yourself, but for your awesome family.

Keep us updated!!! I care a lot!!!
Progress

[Chessgirl]

Heavenly dove
Your response is super helpful and validating. I’ve read it a couple times. I’ve never heard of a burn out before but it does make sense. I’ve been pushing myself everyday for months now just to make it through each day, totally neglected my own needs. The stress has been unreal with having such little sleep. Things have finally come to a halt. This happened to me during my last semester of college too. I ended up quitting school and sleeping for 3 months. I knew my body needed the rest and I didn’t regret it even though I had to sacrifice college graduation. I haven’t made any big moves yet but I’m aware of what I need now at least. I think I need some kind of babysitter or helper and I need some medication. A social worker could help. I’ve been too busy to arrange all that stuff but I know it’s what I need. I appreciate all your helpful input. It really got me seeing things a little clearer

[Chessgirl]

Hey progress
Yes! It’s all gotten to be just too much. Thank you for your validation and support. It felt so good to have someone tell me “forget ballet” and “forget baths” and this and that. You are right… I mean In the grand scheme of
Things how much does that stuff really matter? All the different kinds of help you pointed out should be the focus here. It is evident I need help. Finding all the help I need is a little overwhelming but it helps to have someone kind of spell it out for me. I appreciate all your input and guidance!

[quixote]

Chessgirl,
You are going through a tough time. Please keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.

[Progress]

Yeah Chessgirl,
I am also thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Let us know if you have the chance. <3

No sleep, colicky baby, another child to take care of, rotten m-I-l, childhood trauma. You have a lot on your plate. I hope you are okay, but if you’re not okay, feel free to let us know.
Miss you,
Progress