Reckless emotional attachment & feeling underappreciated at work

[FoxLover]

A few days ago I had a bit of an argument with a friend, but as time past their point only weighed more on me. As a bit of context to understand it, I am male, and despite having a very strong hetero-normative backbone thanks to my upbringing, I'm actually a closeted pansexual. As for the argument, I found a guy who in essence, spoke my love language of touch perfectly. I have a feeling that thanks to feeling starved for affection as a kid, it has morphed into wanting it from literally anyone how wants to give it. Fore me I just saw it as another way to make myself happy, besides, even the guy said that he's just naturally affectionate. I could still get a dose of caring love and not be in a relationship.

However, my friend saw something different. Apparently from what I don't remember, I tend to mentally burn myself with people who show care and affection for me, but don't fit my moral backbone's description of hetero-normative relationship. While I do have some conflicting emotions, I do have boundaries that I don't cross. I draw the line right before kissing for anyone, and if the right person steps into my life, they'll get pushed back a bit for them. However, the more alarming part if the fact that I don't seem to remember the previous emotional burns being so bad, or the fact that I'll completely forget things that had serious negative mental strain. Now it feels like affection is almost a drug that Ill seek after no matter the consequences. But if I don't I wind up feeling sad and lonely. which leads me no my next problem...

At work I keep on having the feeling that I'm only ever appreciated for being another cog in the retail machine. Even though I have a hand written note from my boss's, boss's, boss thanking me for how helpful I am, It still feels like the rest of the time I get is quick, reflexive, blanket statement "thank you"s for anything. What really hit me was yesterday I was when outside getting carts. There was a storm front that was coming. Me and the order pickup crew were expecting it to ease in. That wasn't the case. Out of nowhere, gusts of wind strong enough to make clouds from the loose gravel on the parking lot and send carts rolling, lightning rolling off in the distance, and rain began to fall. I got caught up in the back of the parking lot and had to drop to the ground for safety. I made the warning call over the radio about the weather, and a higher up gave a quick thank you and made the call me and the drive up crew to come inside and stay inside. That was a slow and a bit scary trek back in.

Later that day, a coworker got a shout out over the radio for a customer giving a great compliment. At that moment I was both happy for them, but there was something else inside of me. I got gravel in my eyes, had to move a whole line of carts half squatting with the cart pusher moving as slow as possible, and have the looming fear that the wind would pick up and something would strike me, and all for a thank you? And a coworker got a shout out for a compliment? I just didn't feel right. I told a few coworkers about it, and they pretty much said, "you're just doing you're job, it's expected of you." I just want the recognition I deserve.

[Progress]

Hey FoxLover,
I get it. You risked your safety and health. That is not part of your job unless you are getting “dangerousness pay”! Or something like that.

And you weren’t shown any appreciation. Terrible. You should have been!

I am feeling a little undervalued at work right now. Exactly when do my colleagues and I get shown appreciation for putting up with the utter insanity of the students as well as their nutjob parents?

Anyway, I get it, I really do. It stinks.

Progress

[quixote]

FoxLover,
A dilemma I think. Which is worse? Being alone or getting some physical contact, but in a way which sometimes doesn't feel right?

[orangeflower]

Hi FoxLover,

I think I have related to that dilemma. Thanks for posting!