Overdue Update

[MoonShadow]

Hi everyone. I can't believe that it has been nearly 10 years since I joined and last posted, so I thought that I might give an update here.
I am afraid to look back and see what I have posted previously. I was not in a good place before. I apologize for inappropriate words that I might have used back then in my naivety or frustrations.
If there is anything that seems to differ between what I've described back then and what I'm describing now, please feel free to let me know and I will try my best to clarify.
My language might seem vague or different at the moment but it's more the case of me trying to find my voice again, dusting off the cushion I left here somewhere and figuring out where I'm supposed to sit in a virtual sense. It has been 10 years though and that's a lot of change, so some of the differences might stick. Hoping that I'll sound less...off, robotic? The next time I post or comment.


Ten years...Yes, that means I was probably still living with my abusers but also in the middle of working out a plan to leave. That is a good place to start, because in that case I am happy to report that I did eventually leave.
Of course, I am not out of the woods as there are many emotional and mental wounds left...Thirty years' worth. I am seeing a therapist in hopes of putting these demons to bed. It has been an up-and-down journey, but when the bridges are burning and this is the only road still standing then I guess I keep walking this road.

Unfortunately I've ran into several problems since leaving my abusers, as that left me vulnerable to other abusers and without any safety net. I had no choice but to get back in touch with the original abusers in order to escape the pain my mind was in. I am trying to keep them at arms-length as much as I can. I have the place whereto I originally left them, but there are abusers there too so I am now looking for another escape route with hopefully less chances in running into more abusers. I go to my place with the other abuser when the original abusers are too much, and vice-versa.
I almost swung back to how I was 10 years ago, combined with some suicidal or violent thoughts. We're trying to keep this in check with therapy, and just started some medications. I am physically in a safe place, but my mind does not acknowledge that yet and every little noise or sound seems to trigger something within me that I cannot recognize no matter how hard I try. I am not sure if it is a memory or simply hypervigilance from my experiences.

This is not a sustainable option, and it is unrealistic to wait things out until one of them moves on. I have to find a way to leave if I am to keep my literal sanity. It is unfortunate that most of my finances went into my first escape route and that became a dud. I don't have as much financial resources now for a second escape route and will really need to stretch myself. I fear a repeat of this scenario once my second escape is put into motion.
I suppose while I work my way on plan number two, I've somehow been able to work on myself internally. I think that I might have mentioned taking some counselling in my posts 10 years ago but it was not as effective as I had hoped. The therapy that I am doing now is much more helpful to me, probably a combination of my maturing and having the ability to find more specific resources. I would like to think that it also means while I am still in a bad place, my soul was able to build some resilience during my first attempt at leaving.

I did not have the financial means or the knowledge back then to do anything, so I guess something is better than nothing. Besides the second escape route, I think the therapy is also letting me realize true effects of the abuse. I feel as if I have the life experience of a five-year-old. I've never had any friends, never dated, never had sex. I'll have lots of questions to ask about the basic things of daily life.

To others similar to my age but with normal upbringings, this would be alarming and a red flag. I'm pretty sure that this means just the simple act of making friends will be an uphill climb, who would want to be friends with all this baggage? Sure, I am working on myself but I know for a fact that I likely have very negative habits from trying to survive. I would guess that I have the potential to be clingy, controlling, vindictive, and all sorts of other descriptors at my worst--but thankfully not all at once. I hope that the therapy and medication will be effective enough for me to not have these potential reactions. Even so, I wonder if I will ever have a normal life or have normal friends for any appreciable number of years. If we take the average life expectancy of a mentally and physically healthy human being, I am almost halfway through my life. It would be disappointing if the second half is just the same as now.

I'll probably tune out from any expectations or promises of the future for now. I was told that things would get better if I left, but not by much for me. I was told that things would get better after therapy, but it hasn't yet. I try not to get the impression that things would get better when I have friends, or when I get that second chance. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst as they say.
The bridges are still burning and there is still only one road. I'm still walking that road and maybe one day I can really believe in mind and body that I am safe. While I'm doing that, I hope that I can somehow support others and offer what empathy I can dig up from my burned and scarred heart. Maybe I'll vent once in a while. Sometimes I get into a dark place though, and staying quiet is probably the best for me and others until I can find my way out of my funk. Hopefully it won't be another ten years.


...I took a quick peek at my old posts, so I guess the one thing that's sticking around is my habit of making novella-length posts! I guess another thing I should keep in mind that I did only try to leave about three years ago. That's not a lot of progress after 10 years, but that's also not a lot of failure either I suppose.
That's enough rambling from me, I should take a break and get some sleep or food now.

[Progress]

Hi MoonShadow,

It’s nice to meet you! Reading along and understanding your experiences. I love your expression - keep walking this road.

Looking forward to your next post,

Progress