Accident?

[Chessgirl]

I’ve already written about this before and I know a few people told me they did not believe this incident to be an accident but lately I still can’t stop wondering about it on my head. Because if my dad really meant to grope me in bed than that means he is a lot worse of a person and father then I even thought. I always knew he was a bad father but I never thought he was that bad to be capable of something like that. Was he just drunk? Even so, is that even an excuse? I’m referring to the time I got into my parents bed after having a nightmare and my mom said to come sleep with them (I was 16). My dad was acting asleep and then turned over and spooned me and molested me (feeling all over me until I screamed and jumped up) . He acted like he made a mistake and thought I was my mother but I don’t see how he could have been asleep when I came into their room crying about a nightmare. He had just gotten into bed himself and my mom was still getting ready for bed with the lights on when I came in so it was not like this was in the middle of the night. When I ran out of the room he told my mom what happened but said “ I thought she was you” and they both laughed. Does this kind of thing ever happen? With drunk people maybe? I need to know if this was an accident . What would possess a father to do that to his teen daughter?

[LearningToHeal]

Hi Chessgirl,

I have a hard time trying to figure out any circumstances where it could be an accident- I'm not a drinker, so I couldn't say how drunk I've have to be to mistake my wife for my daughter- I can't imagine I would ever be that drunk, but I don't have any real context to compare it to.

Some more questions to ask yourself, maybe one (or more) can lead to you an answer.

Here's what comes to mind (in no particular order):

Has he shown this kind of behavior before or after?
Was he often so drunk he wasn't very coherent?
Has he displayed any other kind of inappropriate behavior towards you or friends while growing up?
Did your mothers reaction surprise you (laughing at what happened)?
Did he apologize the next day?
Did he seem to remember the next day?

Sorry I can't find a flashing red sign that points to a definite yes or no

[Progress]

Ugh Chessgirl,
No matter what, that sure as hell was traumatic! As you’ve described your parents before, they certainly weren’t the types to comfort you and help you recover from the trauma. (I’m just guessing here but based on what you wrote….

To laugh? And have the both of them play it off like it was some sort of hilarious accident?? Safe to say, good people wouldn’t react that way. How drunk could your father have been if he was coherent enough to give you a plausible excuse?

Idk. I suppose only your father knows what was going on in his mind. You may never know his motives. Geez, if he was doing that on purpose with your mother in the bed, what was he expecting to happen next?!? Geez! I’m sorry Chessgirl. I clearly don’t have any answers for you. Maybe no one does. I only seem to have more questions.

In the end, whether you are right or wrong, maybe you will come to a conclusion that you feel satisfied with. And maybe it won’t matter what you finally decide is your truth. Because you know what? The grievous trauma they inflicted upon you that night is ENOUGH.

I hope everything is okay with you and the family today.
Progress

[coconuts]

I dont think any of us could give you 100% clear answers. But my impression of this would be that if it was a real accident he would have been horrified with himself. Like oh my gosh what just happened? Like truly mortified. Not laughing it off. It was such a cross of a boundary that he should have felt awful, not that it was hillarious. That's my opinion, but again they weren't normal nice people so I cant say for.sure. It wasnt funny and it was very wrong and I can see how that would be super traumatic
One nightmare to the next. Ugh

[Oceantide]

I agree with coconuts. I'm sorry it happened, chessgirl.

[Chessgirl]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I needed so desperately to share this with you all and hear your take on it. It has helped tremendously just to hear that it was traumatizing and unfair and not ok. That I should have had an explanation. It helps me to accept that I deserved more than that. I was violated and my feelings were discarded which was weird behavior coming from a father, accident or not. The fact I even have to question if he did it intentionally really says something. The fact I wouldn’t be surprised if it was intentional speaks wonders. Thank you all for helping me sort through this!

[Gurglesnap]

You put a question that I can absolutely answer, being drunk is not an excuse. There is none, but that is just my opinion. My dad was an ex Airforce pilot and he drank occasionally. He only ever touched me to perform essential parental needs, hug me or shake my hand. Even if it is another source, you hear about date rape often, alcohol or drugs of some sort are usually involved. It is not the substances, it is the substance of the individual.

[Chessgirl]

That makes total sense! Thanks gurglesnap !