Well needed Rant...Broken inside

[Shirongnl]

I'm really sorry everyone but I have to get all of this out there before I implode.
I am at breaking point and to be honest I'm not even sure why at the best of times. I am losing the ability to function. I am losing the ability to carry on living, I cant even be a good mother anymore and it is heart-breaking to know that I am letting him down. It makes the thought of not being here easier as it proves he does not need me.
I am so sick and tired of having daily flash backs, of hearing these goddamn fucking voices that wont leave the fuck alone, I'm tired of feeling the pains, I can still feel them entering me at time, or the slice of his knife through my skin. I can still taste the mud of his shoe and the taste of all of them in my mouth. I still here HIM whispering in my ear, breathing on me.
I WAS 12, I HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG TO ANY OF THEM. So why am I the one suffering. Why am I the one struggling every day to live. Why does it keep happening... New people always seem to find me and try to use me. I'm bigger now, and can handle my self better but every day I live with the fear of it happening again, from it going from a cat call or an unwelcomed touch to a rape. Every day I wonder if it will happen again. I've lived through so many assaults and abuse and always by different people- mostly strangers- that life is a constant fear.
Even now typing this I can feel my demons trying to get into the back of my mind, I can feel the pains beginning in my stomach and I don't know where it ends anymore.
The amount of times I have sat with these fucking pills thinking maybe the third time I'll get lucky, maybe the Third time will work and i will leave this fucking world behind me finally.
But I can't because I know it will affect my child even if he doesn't need me.

[Oceantide]

dear Shirongnl, I'm listening, relating, and caring. You were and are INNOCENT. I'm so sorry for the pain that feels like it never ends. I'm sorry you feel your child doesn't need you (he does) but I know what it feels like to think that. Like you, I resisted leaving this world because I feared it would traumatize my children. But I'm so very sorry for your pain and hope you can get the help and support you need to feel better. Listening, relating, caring, Oceantide

[Progress]

Dear Shirongnl,
I hate that you are living with these crushing thoughts and feelings. It’s beyond awful.
I hope you can get the help you need so you can get a break from this heavy heavy weight.
You are most certainly wanted and needed on this earth. My wish is for you to get help right now. When I feel like you do, I’m always terrified - what if these feelings get worse, and take over, and I follow through on my thoughts. At what moment does the scale tip? YIKES! YIKES! YIKES! It is enough to scare the bejesus out of me and reach for help.
Do you have a t or a doc you can reach out to? A hospital where you can walk right into the ER and say you need help? Bring your son and let people help you find the care your son needs while you get help? Think about it- he is better off with you here on earth, no matter what sacrifices you both might have to take to get help right now. He needs you and loves you. You don’t have to get better alone, and do it all yourself. Hopefully there is good support and care near you? Your son will be ok, if you find help and get to a more stable sense of self-safety.
I just worry. And I hope you can find good people near you who know what to do in times of crisis. There’s no shame in that. It’s the strongest thing actually, that you can do for your son. Even when a part of you says that it is weak to get help. The truth is that shedding those lies and reaching out is the most powerful thing you can do.

I hope I’m not overstepping. I just care about you, your son, and your struggles.
Stay safe,
Progress

[coconuts]

Oh those are hard thoughts. I hate when it seems they are flooding me. Like im drowning in them. Its so hard. I can say with time and help I see improvement. I do understand only being here for the benefit of your child. Im only here because of mine. And at a few points in my life that hasn't been enough. I do get scared when I find myself slipping deeper into it. Like progress said. What is the point when even that won't hold me back. Ive gotten there before.

I also get being a perpetual victim. They say we actually have something about us that attracts these people or that makes us attracted to them. Im sure its a longing for a different end to the story. I do have good friends. Friends that don't take advantage. Its just hard when you have been hurt so many times.

Here listening and caring