Sharing my abuse

[Chessgirl]

Tryingtostayafloat,

Thank you for making me feel like I’m not crazy for expecting a reply. Also thank you for pointing out that this is a good thing- I have my voice now. After not having heard back, I really hve to convince myself I’ve done the right thing and there’s nothing wrong with what I’ve done. If one of my nieces or nephews decides to come out and share their abuse story, I will have paved the way for them to do so. Their story will not come as a shock. If my elderly grandmother who lives with my parents, turns up dead or hurt at the hands of my mother, I will know I at least tried to warn people. This can’t be a bad thing. I appreciate you helping me see it is ok to do this.

[Chessgirl]

I finally got a Hold of her. I downloaded the messenger app and asked her if I had her correct email. I said “I sent you a a sensitive email and need to make sure I sent it to the correct person” she responded. She said she was still processing everything and didn’t know how to respond.... she said it was understandable for me to not want to talk to my mother anymore. She was sort of validating but at the same time rather short... I don’t know how I feel about it. Sigh

[Tryingtostayafloat]

Hi chessgirl,

I hope your ok?
How do you feel now you have an answer?
It's good you know you sent it to the right person if that was something worrying you.

Your right you have done nothing wrong and your neices and nephews will have a great roll model who has shown them how to break the trauma cycle.

[Chessgirl]

Tryingtostayafloat

I don’t feel great about it. I feel I shouldn’t have had to download messenger and track her down to get a reply. I feel she minimized the abuse. She said “you have reason to be upset with your mom, however I know your mom was very upset when you went no contact because she went to mass daily and prayed.” Uhhhh.... in the email I explained my mom is a brilliant actress. I spent years in therapy accepting that my mother doesn’t love me and then now she’s trying to tell me she does love me which throws me off and upsets me. She also said “your mom handled things wrong but then my daughter would say that about me too” I feel like she is saying here that what I’ve experienced is not strange and very normal and I need to get over it. She was polite but not as validating as I needed her to be. I think she didn’t want to believe the truth because then that would mean her grandchrildrwn are in danger and that must be too Much for her to accept. I feel very angry about it. Thanks for asking! I appreciate you caring.

[dancingfish]

Oh Chessgirl. So glad you had some sort of response (I find silence harder, at least!), even if it wasn't quite the one you wanted. If you don't mind me adding, I've run into people not being able to accept unpleasant truths about people they have some sort of perception, relationship with, expectations of. We didn't have a choice, of course, and their denial or difficulty with it can make it harder for us.

I hear you though, your anger and hurt and frustration. Know your truth is not diminished, even if others have difficulty hearing it. That's on them, not you.

So glad to hear you're feeling better now too, wishing you well and all good things dear Chessgirl. :)

[Chessgirl]

Hey dancingfish

Yes that makes a lot of sense about some people having difficulty with certain truths. It has really bothered me. I almost wish I had never told her. How does she think I feel? Certainly she’s not suggesting that I would make this stuff up? It’s just so very upsetting....thank you so much for hearing my anger. Your words and understanding really do help. I appreciate you so much

[penguin]

Hey Chessgirl, glad you got a response from her. I know the silence can be so full of angst. I'm sorry she was dismissive. I have experienced the same from people before. I told my 5th grade teacher like a year ago what happened to me as a kid so that I could ask if he saw anything that might have been a sign that something was wrong (our school was doing a training on trafficking and the counselor asked me about any signs I could think of that weren't in the video, which was totally ok to ask me, I just didn't remember). He said that is so awful, etc. And that I had done well in life despite that and that it must have helped to have My mom's love and support during that time. That I had the ideal school situation with her working at the school I went to. Not even a thought about how she ignored my outcries, brought me back to him over and over, called me a liar, etc. How I was unable to ask for help at school because of her being there watching over me. I wasn't angry at the time, more just annoyed. but apparently I've been repressing all of my anger for a while now. Looking back, I think maybe it should have made me angry.

I think your answer at her comments is the appropriate response. I think it's even a healthy response. Recognizing the validity of your own story and feelings even if she doesn't. So good job. I hope that your feelings settle and you can begin to accept this as you need to and feel better about it (I hope that comes across like I mean it, I do NOT mean just "get over it"). I know the feeling can be amplified during a pregnancy and it can all be pretty overwhelming (it was for me at least). Thinking of you and sitting with you if you'd like.

[Serenity]

Chessgirl,

I understand how hard it is to open up so fully and get silence, or an unsupportive response. I've found that it's best to be extremely selective when disclosing this type of information, and to start small when I do disclose anything so that I can gauge how they respond. So many people just don't understand, or don't know what to say, or just can't wrap their brains around these things. It is very hurtful to not feel heard, but unfortunately we can't control other people's actions or reactions, we can only control our own. I hope that being able to talk about it and get support here is helpful for you.

With care,
Serenity

[Chessgirl]

Serenity and penguin

I’m sorry I’m just now responding. I read your responses right when you sent them but didn’t have it in me to respond at the time. I appreciate you both understanding how painful and hard this whole thing was for me. To be honest I’ve tried not to think of it lately so I probably won’t get into how I really feel at the this time but just wanted to let you know I’ve read your input several times and appreciate your words and support so much

[plantsandtigers]

Hi Chessgirl,

I just wanted to join with the others in supporting you with this. I know the pain of feeling that someone has minimized the abuse, or offered an 'at least you had ....' response. I struggle to understand why and how people react that way to disclosures of abuse too. My family members have been the worst people to disclose to, because they refuse to believe that someone they love could have been so abusive towards me, even though the signs were everywhere.

As the others have said your anger is righteous and you deserved a better response than you received. I think that how someone responds when we tell them about our abuse tells us so much about them and whether they belong in our lives. Sitting with you in this, in that place where it's too painful to talk about.

plantsandtigers