This mother's gift

[Crow]

This mother's gift

Sitting solemnly in my room
I hear the shouting downstairs.
Why won't they stop?
Always fighting, always arguing.
So much noise.
Is it the sound of my heart pounding filling my ear drums?
Or the chaotic soundtrack of another day?
It's safer up here behind this door.

Safety doesn't last for long though,
and silly me for thinking a door would help!
I hold my small frame against it hard, desperately gripping the handle tightly,
as I hear the familiar sound of angry steps towards my room.
The atmosphere has changed dramatically.
Adrenaline rushes and fear overwhelms me.
I cannot struggle under her force any longer,
and defeated, I submit and accept my fate.

Bursting in with fury, the hatred is released once more.
I shake as she shouts at me,
franticly scanning her face and towering presence in an effort to be prepared.
She is knowingly unpredictable and hostile,
so I instinctively adopt a pathetic, cowering stance.
A cocktail of rage and hatred is unleashed
as she hits me in the head, grabs my hair, and flings me about.
I freeze until the continued violence and verbal assault is over.

I watch her leave through blurry, tear filled eyes,
wondering what I had done to be so unloved.
I sit with ringing ears and a pounding head, whilst tears run down my cheeks.
Suddenly the shouting starts again, and I'm told to "get here boy!"
I slowly and fearfully go downstairs, my heart racing.
Told to stand before her, I edge closer with my head hung low.
I know what is coming... nothing changes.
Violent, rage filled outbursts are this mother's gift to her scared little son.

[Chessgirl]

This one is tragic but so beautifully written. I can feel the pain. I can relate to receiving such “gifts” from my own mother. I like this one a lot crow!

[Crow]

I relived the emotions as I went back there in my mind... so vivd.
It was an amazingly quick one to write compared to most of my others.
You know something? When I read it back I can't believe that I lived through this on a day to day basis. What amazing strength my mind and body had to endure this.
I'm beginning to see the reality of my childhood... and how it has shaped me. It really does help writing these experiences down like this.

[Chessgirl]

Oh i bet that was a helpful exercise. I may try that if I dare.... I know when I really think about all the Stress that was nonstop, it’s like wow how could little me deal with all that?! No wonder I developed such anxiety. My mom would scare me all the time. If I asked a question like “mom what are we having for dinner?” She would suddenly fly into a rage. Sometimes I’d be in my room and she would fling the door open and say “what are you doing?!” And it would make me jump. That’s why I think I’m still such a jumpy adult. It really reminds me of the descriptions of your mom with her hostility. I really like the name of the poem, so fitting .

[Crow]

Wow...

My mom would scare me all the time. If I asked a question like “mom what are we having for dinner?” She would suddenly fly into a rage. Sometimes I’d be in my room and she would fling the door open and say “what are you doing?!” And it would make me jump. That’s why I think I’m still such a jumpy adult.

Same, same, same!
I have read about 'exaggerated startle' in adults who experienced child abuse... it's no wonder really.

Also, I find it quite easy now to take a single memory (or sometimes a few and combine for poetic license) and write out the experience. Those negative emotions and experiences tend to come out and into text quite easily. Sometimes arranging them requires patience, but I get so drawn into the moment.

It's quite tiring emotionally writing. And as you can see I am experimenting more with free verse and maybe even prose too.

Crow

[Chessgirl]

I have not headed of that term exaggerated startle. I’ll have to look that up. It’s nice to
Know I’m not alone but awful you can relate. I really like the idea of writing from a single memory. I’m gonna try this some time.

[Crow]

You may find that you can connect with some deep emotions when you identify with a single moment in time. And I'm not sure how you are with 'your inner child' (I'm starting to tentatively look at it), but for me, writing this poem from the perspective of child me was deeply moving. Maybe that's why the words came so easily, regardless of the adult articulation.

[Chessgirl]

That’s very interesting. I’ve only recently really started understanding the inner child thing. She definitely comes out all the time but I don’t feel close with her. Maybe through poetry that could help.

[invisible]

crow that was a very well written and phenomenal poem.
I felt as if I was living my own story from so many years ago-it was not my mother, it was my aunt and my father who evoked those same emotions that you so very aptly described.
Thank you for sharing this.
We know we are not alone and we are here with you as well.

[Crow]

Thank you invisible for your praise.
I am just sorry that you know those feelings and experiences too.

Crow